Global Digital Store – Ebooks and Softwares

Tag: Relationships

  • Relationships: Can A Relationship Bring Up Someone’s Attachment Trauma?

    [ad_1]

    When someone gets into a relationship, they may believe that they have finally met their match. What they have been through in the past, when it comes to this area of their life, is then going to be well and truly over.

    At one point, it will have been as though they were on a stormy sea and now, they will be on calm waters. There is then going to be no more bumps – the path in front of them will be completely flat.

    An Unexpected Outcome

    However, although this may be how one currently sees this area of their life, it doesn’t mean that their external world will match up with what is taking place in their mind as time goes by. What they could find is that their partner ends up pulling away as time goes by or that they come up too strong.

    If the former takes place, one could end up feeling rejected and abandoned, and what may follow is the feeling of being worthless. Yet, if the latter takes place, they could end up feeling smothered and trapped, which could result in them feeling powerless.

    Confusion

    If something like this was to take place, the first thing that one could do is to blame their partner. Instead of stepping back and reflecting on what is taking place, what is going on externally will be seen as the issue.

    As a result of this, their partner could end up reacting negatively to what they say, creating even more disharmony. Another thing that could take place is that the relationship could simply come to an end.

    A Similar Scenario

    At the same time, while one of the occurrences above could be what has taken place, it could be slightly different. So, instead of them feeling rejected and abandoned because their partner has actually pulled away, they could feel this way if their partner has a lot going on at work, for instance, and is unable to spend as much time with them as they usually would.

    And, while they could be feeling smothered and trapped due to their partner coming on too strong, they could feel this way whenever they express their needs. No matter what is going on, then, it will lead to a fair amount of internal discomfort.

    The Early Stages

    If one was fine before they got into a relationship with this person, they may wonder what is going on. But, while they may have been fine up until this point, there is also the chance that it is not this black and white.

    They may have only been seeing this person for a few weeks and had number of intense experiences during this time. Perhaps there was time when they didn’t hear from them for a little while, with this resulting in them feeling fearful and as though they had been rejected.

    Attached

    This may have been a time when they simply reacted to how they were feeling, doing what they could to get the other person to respond. Alternatively, they may have pushed down how they felt and tried to act normal.

    Their need to make a good impression at this point may have stopped them from criticising the other person. Based on how they felt, the last thing they would have wanted was for them to stop talking to them altogether.

    One Outlook

    One way of looking at what took place earlier on and/or what is taking place now that they are in a relationship would be to say that one is simply overacting. Ergo, the best thing for them to do would be to make sure that they don’t get caught up their ‘irrational’ feelings.

    One could end up coming to believe that they need to be mindful of what is taking place in their head, due to the fact that their thoughts create their feelings. It is then going to be all about what is going on up top.

    A Deeper Look

    Another way of looking at this would be to say that the reason all these feelings have been coming up is because they have become emotionally attached to another person, which has allowed their early wounds to be brought up to the surface. Consciously, one may not see the other person as their caregiver, but unconsciously, this can be exactly how they see them.

    At a deeper level, part of them will look towards their partner to give them what their caregivers didn’t give them, and when this doesn’t happen, how they felt during their early years will come back up to the surface. And not only will how they felt during their early years be triggered when their partner doesn’t behave in a certain way, this can also take place even if this part of them assumes that something has taken place.

    Deep Pain

    There is then going to be no need for clear evidence to be provided in order for their early wounds to be opened up. What complicates this even further is that although this part of them will want to receive what it didn’t receive all those years ago, experiencing the same experiences over and over again will be what feels safe.

    When their wounds are opened up, they can end up feeling like a needy and dependent child. Perhaps their early years were a time in their life when their needs were rarely, if ever met, meaning that they would have been spent a lot of time feeling rejected and abandoned.

    Awareness

    The years will have passed since that stage of their life but the trauma that they experienced will still be within them. If one can relate to this and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support.

    This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Oliver JR Cooper

    Views: 0

  • Success With Emotional Intelligence

    [ad_1]

    Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions and the emotions of other people in positive ways. Today we can clearly see that being only “book smart” and having a high intelligence quotient or IQ does not guarantee a successful, happy and fulfilled life. There are many people in all parts of the world who are very brilliant academically but are inept at dealing with people and successful at work or in their personal relationships. Academic intelligence is not enough on its own to be successful in life. IQ can help you get a job and earn a living, but it does not show you how to live a life. When it comes to happiness and success in life, emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your career and personal goals.

    Emotionally intelligent people are able to recognize their own emotional state and the emotional states of others and as a result they connect more easily with people. They therefore communicate better, form stronger relationships, achieve greater success at work, and lead a more fulfilling life. John Gottman was right when he said “In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”

    Emotional Intelligence consists of five basic components namely self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. The first three competencies are intra-personal and concern your ability to know and manage yourself. Empathy and social skills are inter-personal competencies and concern your ability to interact and get along with others. The better your intra-personal skills, the easier it becomes to express your inter-personal skills. Mastering these skills will allow you to live a better, happier and more successful and fulfilled life.

    Self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence. It is the ability to know which emotions you are feeling and why. When you understand your emotions, it is easier for you to acknowledge and control your emotions and prevent your feelings from ruling you. You also become more confident as you do not let your emotions get out of control. Being self-aware also enables you to take an honest look at yourself and better know your strengths and weaknesses, and work on these areas to achieve better outcomes for yourself and others.

    Self-Regulation is the ability to control your emotions and impulses and choose the emotions that you want to experience instead of being the victim of whatever emotions arise. When you are able to manage your emotional state, it becomes easier for you to think before you act and this prevents you from making impulsive and careless decisions. This skill also allows you to transform negative exhausting emotions into more positive and productive ones

    The third component of emotional intelligence is motivation. This is about using your emotions to remain positive, optimistic and persistent rather than negative and pessimistic. When you have a high degree of emotional intelligence you tend to be very motivated, productive and efficient in everything they do. You also use your emotions positively to take the right actions to persist and achieve your goals even in the face of considerable adversity or difficulty.

    Empathy is the fourth element of emotional intelligence. It is the ability to truly recognize and understand the feelings and point of view of people around you. Empathetic people usually possess the ability to listen effectively and accurately to others and are normally excellent at managing relationships, improving communication, building trust and relating to others.

    The fifth component of emotional intelligence is social skills. Emotionally intelligent people have good social skills and are excellent at building and maintaining relationships. When you are highly emotionally intelligent, you no longer focus on your own success first and you always have other’s best interests in mind. You always promote an environment where people cooperate with each other instead of compete with one another and you always help others develop and grow.

    Today emotional intelligence is a key to success in life and the good news is that whatever your actual level of emotional intelligence, you can improve it The best way to develop your emotional skills is through practice. You can then become more efficient at recognizing and managing your emotions as well as the emotions of others and lead a happier, more successful and fulfilled life. Always remember the wise words of Daniel Goleman who said, “What really matters for success, character, happiness and life long achievements is a definite set of emotional skills – your EQ – not just purely cognitive abilities that are measured by conventional IQ tests.”

    [ad_2]

    Source by Priya Deelchand

    Views: 0

  • A Beautiful Mind – Nobel Prize Winning Doctor John Nash

    [ad_1]

    “Nothing’s ever for sure, John. That’s the only sure thing I do know,” says the schitzotypical auditory plus visual delusion and hallucination known to John Nash as Charles. This is very true even coming from one of these three imaginary people that John Nash believes to be a part of his daily life. Although non-existent these characters including not only Charles, but his adolescent niece Marcie, and his military contact William Parcher or just Parcher, play a pivotal role in the life of professor and doctor, John Nash.

    True, much of what the public knows of the mental disorders, and specifically Schizophrenia is based on what they observe from films and television. This Oscar/Academy four time wining film, A Beautiful Mind, is a very compelling story about a genius mathematician/ cryptologist, who’s life in Cold War era America, aroused his super paranoid and delusional thought process to overwhelm his mind.

    ONSET:

    John Nash exhibited mild symptoms or schitzotypal behavior probably through his childhood. This is evident because of his avoidant personality shown by his impeded interpersonal communication and relationships, and by his moderate “word salad” that he has. His hallucinations and delusions manifested initially by his graduate school Princeton roommate Charles.

    His peers played a crucial role in his life and in his recovery. Once stabilized to a level of acceptance and coping with his symptoms he is given visitations and job opportunities to help him in reintegration. Through the entire relations ship from student to wife, Alicia Nash was interceptive and supportive of his treatment and life after treatment, including a dangerous relapse of behaviors.

    Also, his peers did not initially know how to respond to the disorder because of John Nash’s involvement with the US government. It may have opaque at times but eventually they could make light of the situation once Nash was coping and stable.

    THE PLOT THICKENS?:

    John Nash almost killed his baby son by drowning him in the tub during his major relapse. He had been pocketing the medication and eventually he regained his code breaking and psychotic behaviors. He was in the back shed while drawing the bath and got caught up in what was allegedly provided by Parcher and the US governments’ highest echelons.

    + Symptoms= Racing thoughts, Hallucinations, Delusions

    – Symptoms= Cognitive impairment, grossly distorted reality

    (Axis I and Axis II)

    RETURN TREATMENT:

    Nash was able to eventually be stabilized on his psychotropic medications and with time and strong encouragements able to cope. This was abruptly made evident by his realization that the manifestation of Marcie never aged and paired his wife’s’ strong endearment and optimism towards him.

    Self Reliance was key to his rehabilitation and integration back into society. Aside from a strong support network he found that working in his field of abstract mathematics was his tool for learning interpersonal relationships and separating reality from his reality.

    The Nobel Prize was a major pat on the back for John Nash. Although he did not know the extent of his economic theories had spilled over into, Nash was still acknowledged for his intelligence. It is his life time achievement and it is he can observe that his life was great, not grandiose.

    PAST & PRESENT THEORIES:

    Although many scientific advancement have been made in psychology and imaging techniques treatment has not evolved juristically. Although doctors can now see the brain functioning and areas of brain used in a schizophrenic person the treatment is somewhat similar to that of the 1950’s. ECT, medication, hospitalization, and reintegration are the keystones of treatment for the stabilizing of this mental disorder. Then a medical round of SSRI’s and atypical anti-psychotics are used to maintain an even keel. Hospitalization is a safe way to intervene on an individual although laws have changed regarding commitment of those deemed unsafe for society. ECT has been modernized and more finite now and can be used to treat a plethora of moderate to severe mental disorders. Also, SSRI’s are more affective and paired with support many will stay stable.

    Once John Nash was known to be schizophrenic his friends help with the families clarification of his advanced symptoms. Then they slowly allow him back into his life with some initial hesitance that eventually will turn into a subject of laughter between old friends. Although some were intolerant and mocking of his disorder and effort he was able to maintain a level of functioning on the normal plane of societal existence and even win the highest scientific achievement award.

    [ad_2]

    Source by J Greenes

    Views: 0

  • Marital Discord in Astrology

    [ad_1]

    People normally say that a marriage has been settled in haven and is performed at the earth. It is seen that a married person is leading a very peaceful, prosper and comfortable life, but many are such who are weeping over married life and consequent upon this tension. All these are because of mismatch and adverse compatibility.

    Marital discord is a universal problem all over the world. The reasons can be many including the economical, lack of physical and psychological compatibility, extra-marital relationships, aggressive attitudes, selfish nature, over ambitions etc.

    Astrology can accurately reveal the ins and outs of human life, and therefore, can advice beneficially. Definitely, it has immense value, for astrology can give true guidance and advice regarding one’s marriage.

     

    Basic Factors Responsible for Marital Discord

     

    ·       Strength of ascendant

     

    ·       Moon—revels the desires of human mind

     

    ·       Venus—revels sexual appetite, love, desire, and happiness

     

    ·       Mars—assists in strengthening the sexual instincts in the ease of marriage or to help to establish sexual relationship.

     

    ·       Jupiter—significator of husbands for women

     

    ·       Sun/Saturn/Rahu— fiery, separative in nature

     

    ·       2nd house—denotes family

     

    ·       5th house — love affairs and marriage following intercourse

     

    ·       7th house— stands for love and matrimony,

     

    Wife/husband/law suits, partnerships.

     

     Different Combination for Marital Discord

    ·       Weakness of 2nd /7th houses because of planets present in the house or the lords of house are

     

    1.   Malefic in nature

     

    2.   Inauspicious placement of lords

     

    3.   Combust

     

    4.   Debilitated

     

    5.   Are in infancy or old -age state

     

    6.   Afflicted by functional malefic nodes [Rahu/Ketu]

     

    7.   Sandwiched between malefic planets

     

    ·       2nd /7th houses or their lords afflicted by the separative planet like Sun/Saturn/Rahu.

     

    ·       6/8 placement of 1st/7th lords—separation/divorce/break of agreement.

     

    ·       If lords of 1st/ 7th/2nd and Venus are occupying unfavourable houses/combust/debilitated/in enemy sign misfortune will happen after marriage.

     

    ·       Venus and Mercury in 7th house make a person of loose morals and drag to have extra marital relations.

     

    ·       Mars when debilitated and forming relationship with 1st/7th houses or their lords, make the person aggressive and ill tempered.

     

    ·       Node or Rahu/Ketu joining closely Mars makes native/spouse stray and that becomes the reasons for the discord.

     

    ·       The ascendant/Moon of husband/wife in inimical signs sows the seeds of inharmonious relations.

     

    ·       Afflicted or weak Jupiter shows selfish nature of married partner.

     

    ·       6/8 placement of Venus and Moon denotes disputes in love and marriage.

     

    ·       Aspect of at least two retrograde planets on 1st/7th houses/lords.

     

    ·       Saturn and Rahu/Mars and Rahu/Sun and Mars combinations afflicts 1st/7th denotes disputes and discords.

     

    ·       8th/12th lords occupy 3rd house, and 7th house with nods/malefic planets, divorce or separation takes place. 

    [ad_2]

    Source by Geeta Jha

    Views: 0

  • Wrong Reasons For Getting Married – (1) Marrying Out of Sympathy

    [ad_1]

    There are right and wrong reasons for getting married. The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong reason. There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry. One of the wrong reasons and perhaps among the most prominent of the wrong reasons is marrying out of sympathy.

    There are many scenarios under this subheading of marrying out of sympathy that relationship coaches experience in the course of counseling and coaching. Some of the most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex and getting married to a person just because one’s brother or sister jilted that person. Between these two extremes, are those who start relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve. Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbors who are being maltreated. Women fall into this kind of challenge too.

    When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful emotion. It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc. If the man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her attitudes, desires and mindset. He does not stop to find out what life purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into his own desires. If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young man, he would remain loyal to her forever.

    Findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking. If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he or she will do what all captives do, “flee”. Fleeing here may not mean running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the environment. In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as saviors and lordships. This is usually resisted, first psychologically and later verbally. And there goes your peace and comfort.

    Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other. Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would not be allowed into. Once these secret feelings are there, it produces reactive communication instead of responsive communication.

    These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship. This arises from the fact that as the usual challenges appear in the scene, instead of the woman finding a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the pregnancy. Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there is no way they would end up with the man they are married to. Instead of seeing the usual marriage and child rearing challenges as learning opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way. Some blame the child that resulted from the pregnancy. Hatred for a child has been known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.

    For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually overwhelmed. They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes. They now live the rest of their lives in regret, withdrawal or wickedness or under the influence of these three negative but powerful emotions.

    It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for joyful relationship. If while in a relationship with the opposite sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you, then there is no other reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.

    Interestingly, many marriages out there are based on sympathy.

    Young single adults (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face or to save somebody from suffering. Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no sexual intimacy is included. There is need to remember that sexual intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage contract. You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy is mainly for procreation and to cement companionship.

    The excitement and pleasure that accompany sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it. Any other use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of the law. And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law. In most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external court to try you and no external prison to sentence you. But there are internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland where your hard labor would be performed if you commit this offense.

    What is the way to go?

    Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on sympathy, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation. Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelled out, though. Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”. These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone. Both parties ought to know and understand this fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Francis Nmeribe

    Views: 0

  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

    [ad_1]

    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Mandy Peterson

    Views: 0

  • Living Alone with Hemiparesis

    [ad_1]

    Safety would be the primary concern of course when people with hemiparesis live alone or are alone for extended amounts of time. Of course your first references are your doctor, physical therapist and occupational therapists especially. This being stated, I can offer insights on some important items to consider in practical aspects of living alone after a traumatic brain injury or a stroke that result in a severe muscle weakness along the left or right side of the body and is sometimes exhibited in slight nerve damage as with me. Perhaps instead of living by them selves, it would be better to consider us living independently. At this writing, I will have reached almost thirty years of living with hemiparesis. Most of this time I was living alone and working as an engineer and writer, author.

    For us, the detrimental effects of hemiparesis are still prevalent even after initial rehabilitation and limited recovery. The effects can change with extreme variation.

    Effects When Tired or Awoken

    When the body is tired, effects can be worse and certainly more dangerous when living alone. An example is if awoken in the night, maybe by thirst, a call, or other concern. Even a healthy person could possibly stumble on sleepy legs or with eyes half open, but for those with left or right hemiparesis, the negative effects are magnified. A stumble can turn into a fall and possibly a head injury since one arm has poor strength, does not react quickly and is not likely to stop a fall. If a foot drags slightly during the day with shoes, then it can be so much worse at night even so unsafe that the person will roll over the toes so as to bruise them and fall forward on the weak side. Lessons learned here emphasize the need for uncluttered floors and hallways. A stray shoe on the floor or even newspaper can prove disastrous. Either could throw off the balance suddenly for a waking person especially in the dark.

    This brings up a suggestion for low level lighting in the home or apartment. Economical battery operated motion detector lights are available at many stores now or a search online. Even if a cane is not needed during the day; it would be wise to have a cane near the bed, even a quad cane for late night awakenings or an early morning rising. In the morning, there are other issues as tightened up leg muscles that need stretching before safely moving.

    Shower and Bathroom Safety

    Morning stretching is important, especially as we who are injured age but more importantly, shower safety needs to be addressed. There is much assistive devices available and occupational therapists can communicate effectively the needs here, however I can give you my thoughts. These are that it can be quite scary at times, especially if you have had an accident, falling in the shower, tub or bathroom before. You will need to be able to have something within reach on your good side to grab onto, basically at all times. Please note that if you can’t use the screwed in support rails and use the bars with suction cups, you really need at least two bars together. Redundant support as these are known t slip and when you have water or soap in your eyes and reach out with the bar slipping, it can be devastating. I would recommend having a bar on the entry or exit and on the opposite side. This way if a person with hemiparesis turns around there is always a bar on the good side.

    But it does not stop there. Bathroom floors are usually smooth surfaces and with one foot having no or minimal grab, then any water on a smooth tile or marble surface is like ice and can easily cause a fall when drying. Rubber backed rugs are most often used but can bunch up under feet. A work around solution for these throw rugs is rubber strips with adhesive on both sides. The local hardware store will have some rug grippers or search the web

    Dressing

    This is an area again where an occupational therapist assures you are prepared with any assistive devices for reaching around the weak side or fastening in back and collar. However, I can emphasize that so much more time needs to be available, just in case. Even though, there are assistive devices and there is ample training in doing this usually available before even leaving the hospital.

    Food Preparation, Cooking Kitchen Safety

    One’s ability to prepare meals will vary. I understand it’s good to be independent but in the kitchen it just may be smarter to minimize preparation with knives or stovetop. Even the oven can cause burns and fire easily. Having a cardboard pizza box fall onto a hot broiler iron can start a fire that is not too easy for someone with a disability to put out quickly. Sure there are now small convenient fire extinguishers available but some often need two good hands to operate correctly and then even finding it quickly can be an issue for trauma, brain injury or stroke victims.

    Fortunately, there has been an improvement In microwave dinners. This certainly would not be your first option in the past. However, I have been at this for almost thirty years now and I really have seen a great variety come on the market and costs go down. Good, healthy dinners can be cooked in one minute. I still bake chicken and pizze plus a few others but safety really needs to bethe forst priority. Losing balance and reaching out to find as hot frying pan to lean on can happen and I have personal experience, it’s not a quick heal having a burn in the palm of your good hand. Agsin here as in the bathroom, a rug with rubber backing and rug grabbers should be required.

    Mind Body Health Needs

    Concentration and Focus are the key in most everything that the person with hemiparesis might have to overcome. That is why ongoing brain training is so important.

    Human interaction, relationships contribute greatly to complex usage of our brain and even helping to stay young. Well living alone minimizes this benefit ad over time can have an adverse effect. Sure, some will say the upward potential may be limited but start with the objective of not losing ability. Without regular exercise, mind or body can atrophy to borrow a term used to describe not using muscles.

    There are free and paid sources on the web. There are now brain improvement magazines at the local supermarket and brain games are popular and effective, most even for one hand use.

    Geographic Area Specific Issues

    Depending on your locality, power outages can occur during natural events mostly as snow or ice storms, hurricanes, tornadoes. When living on the eastern coast, I lost power even when their was a high windstorm. Natural events as this can have an impact on people living with hemiparesis just as they do for others with a disability, elderly or families in general. However preparedness is the key here and living alone increases importance of having battery lighting, food, water, cell phone, radio, all available and easily attainable in possibly in the dark.

    The power loss may be worse in cold weather for this condition as detrimental effects can disable some people with this extreme muscle weakness and possibly nerve damage. This varies of course depending on person or injury but in general arms and legs can start shaking uncontrollably and a serious limitation to mobility. Poor effects are also exhibit in sudden changes of weather. Each person may experience this differently but a check with your physician is best.

    To assist in times as these, warm clothing, even a safe generator where it can be installed in a home as a backup are suggestions with heat packs available at sporting good stores or camping supply shop.

    Summary

    Some of the techniques and tips outlined here may seem obvious to some or simple but they are not always thought of ahead of time before they are used. This is evident in support forums online, knowing individuals and my own thirty years of living with hemiparesis. There are of course more but in general, consideration that movements can be slow at times as can thinking. An important point is if there is a loss of balance or tripping, it will most likely be on the weak side which of course doesn’t react fast nor have enough hand strength usually to hang on to something firmly. This is why safety is the first priority when living alone with this injury.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Leon Edward

    Views: 0

  • Heal Your Sexual Abuse Issues

    [ad_1]

    Have you ever experienced sexual abuse? Do you know that the negative experience you had may still be affecting you in the present?

    In my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I discovered that many women, and even some men, experienced sexual abuse. As I counseled the clients, they became aware of the negative decisions they had made from their sexual exploitation. In fact, many years later those painful thoughts were still affecting their lives in negative ways.

    Some of the symptoms that it still influenced their lives were low self-esteem, avoiding dating, struggling in their relationships, not enjoying their sexuality, hiding their physical beauty, shyness, and doing everything to please others.

    I included 14 hurtful thoughts that caused the above symptoms that I heard from many of the clients of all ages. Can you relate to any of them?

    14 Negative decisions based on sexual abuse include:

    1) I feel shame.

    2) I am bad and dirty.

    3) I am not safe in the world.

    4) I can’t trust men not to hurt me.

    5) My parent or parents betrayed me because they did not protect me.

    6) I can’t trust people I love to be there for me.

    7) I should have stopped it.

    8) Sex is painful, dirty and wrong.

    9) Men want me only for my body.

    10) I feel guilty because it felt good.

    11) I feel different than others; I am an outsider.

    12) I have to hide my secret so people do not judge me.

    13) I have to do what others want me to or I am not safe or loved.

    14) It is not safe for me to get attention from men.

    For example, Susan was molested by her father. As a result, she hated men and that affected all her relationships with the opposite sex. She also was very cute, free- spirited and loving as a child and that is when her father started to molest her. Her decision was many of the above negative beliefs, as well as it is not safe to be free, happy and shine. She just did what people wanted to stay safe. Her self-esteem was very low and that affected her social interactions and professional success. To stuff her pain, she overate and was obese.

    Her mother knew but did nothing to protect Susan. (Mothers often cannot deal with the rejection so they deny it, and may also be afraid of their partners.) To help Susan, I suggested that she imagine her mother in front of her and say, “You did the best you could with the information you had, I forgive you.”

    Then I helped Susan release the other negative thoughts based on her negative experiences, and she felt much better, began speaking up for herself, and her relationship improved.

    By the way, sexual abuse is one major cause of weight issues. Nancy told me that whenever she was thin, men made sexual comments and she did not feel safe. The weight is her wall of protection. “Helene, she said, “I have to make myself unattractive with my unattractive hairstyle, baggy clothes, and fat, for the men to leave me alone!”

    Can you relate to Susan or Nancy? If you do, it would be very beneficial to release those hurtful decisions, so that you can enjoy a healthy and happy life.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Helene Rothschild

    Views: 0

  • What Is a Relationship Mission Statement

    [ad_1]

    RELATIONSHIP VISION

    Aligning values in relationships is a good thing to do intentionally. Think about how most people go through relationships. Does one person give up important values for the other? Is there conflict in the relationship? These things usually happen when values and beliefs aren’t talked about and don’t align with each other. Most conflicts in any relationship is due to differing values or beliefs. After all if we all agreed on what is most important there would be no need to argue. A Relationship Mission Statement can help!

    WE ALL COME FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS

    Think about how you grew up, your environment, money, food, school and so many other things. Did you partner grow up the same? Did your parents teach you different lessons regarding TV, meals, religion, or friends then you partner? We all bring expectations into our relationships but most likely they aren’t the same for each of us. So why do we think things are supposed to magically work out without talking about it, creating goals, or aligning values. Eventually if the bumps can’t be smoothed out then couples tend to search for someone like me. This is not a bad thing, seeing a professional can be incredibly helpful and restore the peace and longevity of your relationship.

    CHECKING IN WITH YOUR PARTNER

    For now let me provide you a simple way to check in with each other, communicate, and look at the future. Creating a Relationship Vision is a simple and helpful tool. It doesn’t take much time and can really target the lasting happiness of your relationship.

    A few steps to creating a Relationship Vision Sit down by yourself for about 30 minutes. Remember it doesn’t have to be done in one day.

    SIMPLE STEPS TO FOLLOW

    1. Go for the positive

    When brainstorming phrase things in a positive manner. For example instead of saying “we don’t argue” say “we will settle things calmly and peacefully” or “we trust each other” instead of “we won’t be jealous”.

    2. Write down your non-negotiables and desires

    Write down your “must-haves” such as “we will parent together” or “exercise is important” or “we will communicate openly and respect each other’s perspective”. You could also write things like, “going outside of our union is non negotiable”, “monogamy is of the utmost importance “, “attending church is a priority”, “traveling and experiencing the world with my partner is a high priority.” Make sure it’s not a laundry list for your partner, i.e. he mows the lawn and she does the laundry.

    3. Explore several areas of a relationship

    Since we have a multifaceted life it is important to address as many of these as you feel necessary. Expressing wants, desires, and values with sex, finances, lifestyle, parenting, career in-laws, leisure time and education are just a few of the things you may want to consider in You Relationship Vision. Answer questions about these topics such as what do I enjoy in my free time? How important are finances? Do I want to work full time? Do I need a 401k? What about insurance? Does my job need to provide this? What percentage or amount of time do we spend with in-laws? How do we allow them to interact with the children? Is sex satisfying? Do we want to explore new sexual ideals? Do the answers align with my values?

    4. Come together

    Come together as a couple and discuss the things you agree on first. Then Discuss what is negotiable and create short sentences expressing what is important to both of you. Leave the things that you don’t agree on for last. See if you can compromise on these issues if not this is where someone like me comes in. Having a professional help couples work through the hard stuff is helpful and will benefit your relationship for a lifetime.

    5. Come up with your statement.

    It doesn’t have to be long, complicated or directive. As a matter of practicality it’s better to make it succinct, covering the overarching theme of your intentions for your relationship.

    Examples

    We are co-creators of our lives, sharing a desire to love and be loved unconditionally, by consciously determining our behaviors and the outcomes we wish for ourselves and our family. We value respect, trust, non-judgment and self-control. We bring our best selves to this union, casting out destructive, egocentric motivations so that we may achieve the most positive and loving lifestyle we are capable of.

    We agree to always love and cherish each other and recognize how fortunate we both are; each of us consider ourselves the ‘lucky one.’ We build a healthy lifestyle together, where we support each other in getting exercise, eating well, having fun, resting and relaxing. We make all important decisions together, as a team. We don’t keep secrets from each other. We confide in each other and feel safe in each other’s care.

    We’re together to build a loving family and teach our children about healthy relationships. We create a sense of stability by having some routine but also make time for fun and spontaneity. We don’t intentionally hurt each other, but recognize we still do – and so we quickly and readily apologize. We take care of each other.

    6. Schedule a time

    Weekly, monthly, quarterly or whatever works for you, but make sure you come together to gauge if you are on track. This is the best way to ensure you both get your needs met and can address it if you’ve gotten off track. This will also provide space for growth. Since nothing in life stays the same, people, situations, events, or relationships, this provides room to renegotiate, change your Relationship Vision as the both of you change.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Roxanna Teeling

    Views: 0