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Tag: Emotions

  • Implementing the Character’s Emotion

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    Now that you’ve made your choices, how do you generate these emotions and make them readable to the audience? And in doing so, does the actor actually feel the emotions or simulate them? These are the questions often asked about portraying the emotion.

    It stands to reason if you want to affect the audience and move them, you, playing a credible character, must feel these emotions. But you must feel them in such a way that they are conveyed to the audience. The degree to which you feel each emotion will depend upon the method used to carry out this feat and your ability to master it.

    Actors involved in what is termed “Method Acting” use the affective memory to generate emotions. Here the actor recalls a specific event in his own life that has produced the required feeling. For example, remembering a fight you had with another student in high school could arouse the emotion of anger. Recalling the death of a close relative might generate the emotion of grief. The actor has to go back, replay the experience leading to the desired emotion, and relive those moments in his mind. Through this method, the required emotion is revived.

    There are some benefits and also some dangers in this type of emotional generation. Usually, emotions derived this way seem real and deeply moving, more so to the actor than the audience. That’s because there is a tendency to internalize these emotions so much that they are not fully evident to the viewer. The method does make producing emotions seemingly easy, but at a price.

    You will find that emotions take time to evolve naturally and resist abrupt changes when deeply seated in ones memories. This is one reason few method actors make it big in comedy. The changes come too quickly and the method actor usually lacks the required emotional agility. Likewise, the method process takes up valuable rehearsal and production time as the crew and cast wait for the actor to call up the right emotion.

    Actors using the method are likely to develop a self-indulgent feel “good” attitude which gravitates towards feelings closest to them and more comfortable for them to generate. The performance then becomes one that portrays the actor’s reality and not that of the character’s. You can see how this may stifle the actor’s imagination and limit the search for emotional truth. The method can likewise put a strain on the actor’s psyche. Using past events, some best left forgotten, can lead to situations where it affects the actor’s mental stability.

    Another danger is that of becoming bored with affected memory when repeated retakes or performances are required. There is also the possibility of being so caught up in past events one does not relate as the character.

    Another way to generate emotions is to rely on our emotional conditioning, the response to the word for each feeling, and the ability of the body to remember the resulting psychical (of the mind) and physical manifestations. This is the most simple way to produce a whole galaxy of emotions with little effort on our part. Through our childhood development, we are conditioned by the meaning of words, especially with regard to feelings. We respond to them without any conscious thought.

    Consider what happens when you are reading a good book or script. You become involved in the story and the characters. You see and feel their imaginary lives. And when you read the action description:

    She looks at his mangled body, then turns away in horror.

    The word itself is the key to what she felt. We don’t have to stop, reflect back on our own life and re-experience some past event. The response is there before we have time to think. The word itself is the signal to release all the information we have on that emotion and to invoke an immediate physical response.

    This response, while different for each person, still has common traits and a behavior that tells others which emotion is being felt. It’s almost a language in itself and a part of our non-verbal communications.

    The answer lies in the fact that in physiological terms, all emotions have similar traits. That is to say, if we were to test the breathing, heart rate, skin temperature, etc., of two people, one feeling rage and the other joy, the “physiological” signs would be similar. Only the face, gestures, and movements would signal which emotion they were actually feeling. But the flush face, the pulse and breathing rate, etc., all signifying the energy behind the emotion, would determine the size of the emotion.

    Through this process we have learned how to reach and find the emotion. But now, we must learn to nurture these feelings, making them big enough for the performance and adapting them to build credible characters.

    As we said before, emotions are feelings large enough to change your life or destroy it. They need to be powerful feelings, but all that you start with is the small sensation that the name of the emotion evokes. How can we make it bigger?

    As the word for the emotion is read, the actor feels a response centered somewhere in his body. For instance, the emotion “fear” might be felt in the stomach. For another actor, it might be in the shoulders and neck. “Suspicion” causes a response around the eyes. “Lust” in the hips or groin. “Desire” could be centered in the lips or eyes.

    For each actor, the physical response will vary. But the important thing is that the actor feels these responses and gains awareness of the physical symptoms in various parts of his body.

    How do we increase this energy level? There is a technique taught by Don Richardson, a well know TV director. It entails having the actor do some physical exercise, such as push-ups, until he’s completely out of breath. Then after a few moments, have him go directly into the scene with his intention and emotion located and his energy level at a peak. The result is astounding for the actor has no choice but to emote fully.

    The next step is to start from a totally relaxed state, retaining the selected intention and emotion, and then adding what one felt at the peak when doing the push-ups. The small emotion is now fired up by a burst of adrenaline flowing through the system as the body recalls the effect of the push-ups. The emotion is thus achieved on a large-scale as the body remembers the intense physiological state attained earlier.

    Now the emotion has to be adapted to create your specific character and make him credible. Credible emotions evolve out of the character’s perception of reality, their past experiences (emotional conditioning), and their struggles as they strive toward their goals. Character traits also play an important role in how emotions are adapted. For instance, is the person you are portraying mainly rational, mainly emotional, or a balance of the two, and as a result, would the feelings be out flowing, repressed, or even denied? Is there a great deal of inner conflict where the emotions hinder the character from attaining his objectives? What is the dynamic range of feelings, deep, shallow, explosive, etc? All these questions entail a good deal of research into creating the emotional side of a credible character.

    To assist you in this regard, I’ve compiled discussions on the various root emotions. These will aid you in adapting emotions to your specific character needs as well as improving your emotional range and awareness.

    The third way is indicating the emotions through mechanical acting. In this approach, the actor imitates the physical responses, mimicking the feelings as displayed by others.

    People often look down on mechanical acting. Yet sometimes, it becomes a necessity, either as a training or rehearsal tool exploring possible expressions and gestures, or when the actor’s capabilities cannot fulfill the complex demands of the scene. Demands such as acting style, blocking, stage business, and/or quick precise attitude and emotional changes. In such situations, producing the proper emotional illusion through a mechanical response will, at least, get the actor through these difficult moments. In addition, the director may specify certain emotional responses to attain his vision of the story, responses that may later be embellished by editing, music, and sound effects.

    In certain types of performances, particularly comedy sketches, parities, certain sit-coms, and stand up comedy, experience with mechanical acting is helpful. This is because the focus is centered on dialogue emphasis, precise timing, and clarity of attitudes. Likewise, exaggerated surface emotions have the potential to change unexpectedly while deeply felt realistic emotions lack this agility.

    This is not to say that the actor can not feel these emotions. In fact, he may feel them strongly, but the expression begins as a duplication of some physical response. Life studies, the observing of real people, nurture such emotional beginnings.

    ROOT EMOTIONS

    Root emotions are active feelings that clearly convey what is felt by the characters. They do not include happiness, sadness, sorrow, loneliness, or nervousness as these are not an emotion, but state of being. The state of being is the result of an emotion. Root emotions, on the other hand, are the cause and have the potential to affect change.

    Certain weak and complex emotions should likewise be avoided. Self-pity is weak in that it plays an effect and is often resented by the audience. Disinterest and boredom are likewise poor choices as there is no active force to motivate the character.

    Love is also a poor choice in that it is a complex emotion made up of many other feelings. Playing the feeling of love immobilizes the character rather than inviting action. A better choice would be to play a definitive emotion such as desire, lust, joy, exhilaration, or exaltation. In an unstable relationship, other emotions such as jealousy, suspicion, bewilderment, guilt, or embarrassment, along with certain other emotions, could be used. By using one single root emotion at a time, subtle shadings within the realm of love can be clarified as well as changes in the intensity.

    The emotions of the characters also plays into the psychological experience of the audience. It might be the voyeurism of spying on the character’s intimate moments. It could also be the vicarious experience of identifying with character’s situation or problems. It could also be the visceral feelings we experience as we watch the scene unfold, emotions moving us and giving us a sense of being entertained. Strong emotional choices and well-portrayed feelings, ones that connect with the viewer, can make for interesting and memorable scenes. They can help create anticipation, arouse curiosity, and hook us enough to be intrigue and involved.

    I’ve divided the most frequently used root emotions into five different categories. Each category is further clarified as to the focus of the emotion as well as the general clarifications.

    ROOT EMOTIONS

    DARK EMOTIONS (Active – Directed at or against someone, something.)

    Rage

    Anger

    Hatred

    Contempt

    Jealousy

    Envy

    SURVIVAL ORIENTED (Reactionary – Selfish – Focus usually on the expected or imagined.)

    Terror

    Horror

    Fear

    Dread

    Despair

    Grief

    Suspicion

    Apprehension

    GOAL ORIENTED (To find, to obtain, to provide – Focus usually on wants.)

    Revenge

    Ambition

    Greed

    Hope

    Desire

    Lust

    Determination

    Compassion

    Curiosity

    EGO ORIENTED (Self evaluation & result – Focus usually on masking or repressing the emotion.)

    Guilt

    Shame

    Indignation

    Intimidation

    Embarrassment

    Resentment

    BRIGHT EMOTIONS (Enjoyable – upbeat – Focus usually on the continued enjoyment.)

    Exaltation

    Joy

    Pride

    Exhilaration

    Wonderment

    Bewilderment

    In review, root emotions motivate you to fight for something, to change your (the character’s) life or destroy him (the character’s dramatic soul). To be a strong sympathetic character, always play the fighter’s side of the emotion, thinking you can win rather than loose. The physical look of one particular emotion will vary depending on the story situation, the characters, and the natural casting chemistry within and between actors.

    To further your knowledge on this subject, explore the physical sensations, sources, forms, and dynamics of the most common root emotions. Observe emotions in life as well as performances. What are the defining characteristics? Such research will also serve as a guide in stretching the clarity, strength, and polarity of your emotional repertoire.

    This chapter has covered the basic skills used in building and implementing dramatic emotions. Use these skills as tools to nurture and release the character’s true feelings, and make them readable to the audience. Most important, create emotions that serve the story, its genre and purpose.

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    Source by Erik Sean McGiven

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  • Homosexual Dating – Truth and Connection

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    Homosexual dating has become much more widespread and accepted in Western culture, allowing both gays and lesbians the chance to reach out to one another beyond that of closed doors. Now there are many ways you can have a rewarding homosexual dating experience, so don’t be afraid to get out there and explore all of the potential relationships you can create at a wonderful same-sex communities.

    Homosexuality is a form of love that needs not to be judged or explained, because it is just another example of how when you love someone it doesn’t matter what colour their skin is, how old they are, or even what sex they are. True love knows no boundaries, has no discriminations and only wishes to be shared with another who returns the same emotions.

    Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with this idea of love, and due to this fact, many homosexuals, regardless if they are male or female, are made to feel alienated, which can often lead to feelings of depression or loneliness. There is no reason why you should let these feelings overcome you, or let other opinions of those you care about, such as family members or friends, negatively influence your life when it comes to finding love, relationships, and homosexual dating.

    Homosexual dating is about finding someone who feels the same way you do, enjoys spending time with you, treats you with respect and makes you feel like an equal. It is about being apart of a relationship with mutual understanding, which has the potential to forge a strong connection between both you and your partner.

    Like any dating experience, there will be certain setbacks and struggles that you may face during homosexual dating. This is only natural, simply because in order for you to connect with someone, it is important that you feel comfortable with them.

    As a gay or lesbian, you should not feel that you need to grab any opportunity that comes your way. There is no harm in starting as friends and working slowly into the relationship to discover how much you have in common. As long as you are honest with your feelings, you should have no problem finding a partner.

    Homosexual dating is how you can establish an amazing connection with someone who understands you, and loves you for who you are with no questions asked. Even though you will meet some people who are destined to give you a hard time with your sexual preference, all you can do is trust your own judgments, be true to yourself, and give your love and time to those who deserve it.

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    Source by Frank Duru

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  • Holistic Healthcare versus Traditional Western Medicine

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    The Western medicine community recently asked the question: Will Alternative Healthcare, a.k.a. Holistic, Metaphysical, Energy or Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Western Medicine (WM) merge? This question implies there is reason to wonder and/or we need to consider the benefits a merger might create. The consideration of merging Holistic, Metaphysical, Energy or Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Western Medicine is analogues to comparing apples to oranges. The only comparison between apples and oranges is that they are both fruit–but the comparison ends there. Holistic, Metaphysical, Energy or Mind, Body, Spirit Healing and Western Medicine is diametrically polar opposites with nothing in common, except the subject (you). I will explain.

    In order to understand the ideology of Western Medicine, you need to examine the language used by doctors and researchers. Their choice of words reveals their belief systems and the models they use to understand the way they think healing works. When observing the state of Western Medicine and the unprecedented influence of pharmaceuticals and over-the-counter (OTC) drugs, an interesting paradox arises. The drug companies claim that pharmaceuticals and OTC can do wonders for people: lower cholesterol, end clinical depression, reverse osteoporosis, eliminate allergies, cure cancer, cure MS, calm children and many other similar promises.

    If prescription or OTC drugs are so good for people, where are all the healthy medicated customers? The truth is, there aren’t, any. There’s nobody taking twelve prescriptions or OTC drugs with a clean bill of health. In fact, the more prescriptions a person takes, the worse their overall health. And if you approach the healthiest people you can find and ask what prescription drugs or OTC drugs they’re taking in order to be so healthy, they’ll give you a confused look: Healthy people don’t take prescription or OTC drugs!

    This sort of language is not uncommon from researchers in Western Medicine. They perceive the human body as a battleground on which wars are waged against invaders (viruses, bacterial infections and tumors). Beginning with the Victorian era, Western society has become addicted to quick fixes and results with no effort. Western Medicine has in some instances provided this result. When Western Medicine doesn’t produce a ‘quick fix’ result the answer is: “Sorry, it couldn’t be helped–the surgery was a success, the patient died.” It is interesting to note the AMA reports a dismal success rate–approximately 250,000 people die each year due to misdiagnosis and/or the treatment does little or nothing to improve the person’s health. In other words these people didn’t die due to an illness they died due to the wrong treatment.

    Western Medicine’s theory and doctrines fail to recognize that diseases are not separate from the person. In fact every disease can be more accurately called an expression of the patient’s lifestyle, beliefs, and energies. Cancer is not a tumor, for example: it is a systemic disorder that can only truly be cured by helping to support the body, not by attacking it with chemical bombs or knives. The tumor is merely one physical expression of the systemic disorder, and simply removing the tumor does nothing to cure the disease. The body is designed to heal itself–given it has the proper care–nutrition, herbal supplements, spiritual and emotional well-being.

    The body is designed to heal itself provided it has the proper support to do its job. Traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) is based on a concept of balanced qi (pronounced “chee”), or vital energy, that is believed to flow throughout the body. Qi is proposed to regulate a person’s spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical balance and to be influenced by the opposing forces of yin (negative energy) and yang (positive energy). Disease is proposed to result from the flow of qi being disrupted and yin and yang becoming imbalanced. Among the components of TCM are herbal and nutritional therapy, restorative physical exercises, meditation, acupuncture, and remedial massage.

    Holistic, Metaphysical, Energy or Mind, Body, Spirit healing has existed since the beginning of time amid religious beliefs and practices, along with the mystery, superstition, fear, and misunderstanding. Holistic Healing is now becoming recognized regardless of what anyone chooses to believe or think. Ask almost anyone about their spiritual well-being and they will probably tell you, “Yeah, I am a spiritual person, I go to church frequently.” Therein, the confusion arises out of the association of healing with religion. The majority of people, including religious leaders, do not understand the difference.

    Definition: “HEAL” 1. To restore to health or soundness, 2. To set right, repair, 3. To restore a person to spiritual wholeness, 4. To become whole and sound, to return to health.

    Definition: “SPIRIT” 1. The vital principle or animating force within living beings, Incorporeal consciousness. There are about twelve more elaborations mostly to do with various religious implications.

    Definition: “RELIGION” 1. Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe, 2. A set of beliefs, values and practices based on the teachings of a religious doctrine.

    Thus, based on Western Medicine’s common interpretations of how things ‘ARE’, many paradoxes are created. The resultant effect is confusion and un-wellness. The Truth, as Carl Jung and others have carefully worded in their writing, is this: Every Thing in the universe is Energy and Consciousness. How anyone thinks or feels about that Fact cannot change it. The purpose of All religions is the recognition that humans have a part of themselves that is not physical and there is a need to explore and experience this aspect of themselves. Part of the intent is to discover one’s purpose and to live in the best way possible. Another part of that goal also includes the attainment of Truth and Spiritual Wellness. However, the result of religious teachings with regard to our Spiritual health has been an abysmal failure. If the most important aspect of our being is our Spiritual self, and it has been neglected, it is a miracle we have existed this long.

    Many churches are in a state of extreme confusion in an attempt to avoid accepting the “Truth.” The greatest struggle is how to incorporate all the now known knowledge and assimilate it into the religious dogma and theology. The problem is the impossibility of reconciling the obvious flaws in most theology and doctrine. The obvious shortcomings and how political and nationalistic and other special interests and agendas have resulted in a history filled with disappointment, tragedy, confusion and religious wars.

    In many cultures it has always been thought and/or known that we are spiritual beings, the biggest exception is in western industrialized cultures that we believe we are people who happen to have a soul. Eastern philosophy believes we are a soul first, housed in this thing called a ‘body.’ The most beautiful and simple interpretation of how everything ‘IS’ can be found in the Native American tradition. “Everything in the universe is Spirit, each thing in it is of the same Spirit and it is all Connected.” This is exactly what we are beginning to understand in science and quantum physics, that everything in the universe is made of the same thing and has a consciousness about it. The two things that frustrate scientists the most is the fact that all these

    things operate across time, space and dimensions they do not yet understand, and the ability of things to operate on inter-dimensional and multi-dimensional levels. A high degree of new understanding about the science and physics of what spiritual really means is now mostly coming from independent researchers. High-tech and aerospace research physicists and scientists, all seem to have a more concise and accurate understanding of Spirit and the Spiritual than those from a theological background.

    The Reality and The Truth of Spirit–In plain language, there is only One God or Universal Energy that Is Everything. There is only One Consciousness. We are only one individuated expression of The One. All the dogma, theology and religious beliefs anyone chooses to pile on this truth is commonly referred to as Bunk. It is the lack of true knowledge and the application of these distortions, which have been the source of all emotional, physical and spiritual problems. Spirit is alive, it is something that is lived and experienced, the surest way to destroy or suppress it is to organize it and institutionalize it.

    Spiritual Experiences teach us: Everything we think or feel affects oneself and others. We need to realize every feeling–anger, fear, hate, sadness, judgment–are mind generated emotions and need to be modified or eliminated. Left to fester–anger, fear, hate, sadness, judgment, creates physical reactions. For every physical reaction, a.k.a. symptoms–i.e. colds, cancer, MS, and everything from A to Z, there is a direct link to mind generated emotions. When these mind generated emotions are eliminated and the wounds created from long term and dysfunctional expressions are healed, the physical manifestation labeled as illness by Western Medicine is eliminated.

    The bottom line is Health and Well-Being is affected by two factions–Doctors and Ministers. Doctors are trained as mechanics who work on the physical mechanism. They are in the Business of “Treatment.” They are Not Trained in the “Art of Healing”. Most doctors do not even understand the most rudimentary concepts of Healing. Most do not realize how they can produce damage and even induce death sentences on their patients.

    There is little difference in the effects produced by an intentional damaging curse or a prayer prayed improperly, bad advice or simply some random negative thought. Ministers are trained in traditional theosophical dogmatic perceptions specific to the cultural religious views they ascribe to. Most people have little concept about True Spirituality or how the universe really operates. As a consequence they convey misinformation, half-truths, superstitions and fears along with a multitude of associated damaging information into a person’s consciousness. The result of which is Confusion and Paradox–which leads to distress, disease and un-wellness.

    Both the good in our lives and the dis-eases we have are the results of our experiences, conditioning and beliefs. It is the experiences, conditioning and beliefs that are counter to our true nature that causes the damage. No matter how dire a client’s predicament seems to be, I Know if they are ‘Willing’ to do the emotional and spiritual work of releasing old habits, beliefs and forgiving, everything can be healed. The word ‘incurable’ used by Western Medicine really only means that the person can not be ‘cured’ by ‘outer’ methods and that they must Go Within to effect their healing. The condition was created as a way to cope–it came from within and can be healed from within. Reference: Heal Your Body, Louise L. Hay

    Since Holistic/Metaphysical Healthcare focuses on supporting the Mind, Body, Spirit to heal itself as it is designed to do and Western Medicine perceives the human body as a battleground on which wars are waged with chemical bombs and scalpels against invaders, how can these divergent ideologies be merged?

    The answer: They can’t be–i.e. water and vinegar doesn’t mix–it is metaphysically impossible. Likewise, it is metaphysically impossible to merge Holistic, Metaphysical, Energy or Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Western Medicine. Anyone who would consider such a merger does not understand the laws of Holistic, Metaphysical, Energy or Mind, Body, Spirit healing.

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    Source by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD

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  • Mind, Body, Spirit Healing–Putting It into Practice

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    Modern Medicine promotes the belief that health and wellness is a crap shoot, genetically driven and at best, pure luck. If the roll of the dice isn’t in your favor or your genetic make-up has been doomed six generations back, or luck runs out, Modern Medicine has a magic pill, chemical bomb or simply cutting out whatever organ is afflicted as a solution.

    Norman Vincent Peale declared, “Change your thoughts, and you change your world.” Caroline Myss, medical intuitive extraordinaire states, “Every choice we make, every thought and feeling we have, is an act of power that has biological, environmental, social, personal and global consequences.” Wayne Dyer states, “We are responsible for everything in our lives, including whether the chemistry in our body works or doesn’t work.” If you believe health and wellness is a crap shoot, genetically driven or pure luck you have set the stage for body malfunction. If you believe as Norman Vincent Peale, Caroline Myss, PhD and Wayne Dyer, PhD, Deepak Chopra, MD believe your choices, thoughts and feelings are an act of power, and that you are responsible, then you are in control of your health.

    To be effective Mind, Body, Spirit healing needs to be practiced on a daily basis–not after your body is being ravaged by a malfunction. Mind, Body, Spirit healing is a process that maintains and supports health and wellness, thereby prevents body malfunction. People who practice Mind, Body Spirit healing avoid having cancer, MS, heart attacks, strokes, and the 101 other afflictions from A to Z, which Modern Medicine has conditioned us to be plagued by from birth to death–for many a premature death.

    The nine most frequent surgeries in America are Tonsillectomies, myringotomies, Cataract removal, Low-back surgery, Gall Bladder removal, Hysterectomies, C-Section, Sleep Apnea, Jaw pain.

    As Dr. Myss stated–“…every thought and feeling we have, is an act of power that has biological,…consequences.” In order to change any biological consequence you need to change your thoughts, which changes your feelings. Your new thoughts/beliefs must be shifted to empower you to control your health.

    To eliminate/avoid the most common reasons for surgery, it is important to know the thoughts/beliefs, which creates body malfunctions and healthy thoughts/beliefs to prevent or heal it.

    Tonsillitis, Quinsy, Sore Throat – cause: Fear, Repressed emotions, Stifled Creativity, A strong belief that you cannot speak up for yourself and ask for your needs, Feeling unable to express yourself. Holding in angry words.

    Remedy: “I release all restrictions and I am free to be me. It is my birth right to have my needs met. I now ask for what I want with love and with ease. My good now flows freely. Divine ideas express through me. I am at peace.”

    Ear Infection – cause: Anger. Not wanting to hear. Too much turmoil. Parents arguing.

    Remedy: Myringotomies are performed for recurrent ear infection, usually in children under five. Since your child is incapable of changing the thoughts/feelings you need to take the responsibility to change the child’s experience and foster the expression of feelings. Listen to and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Avoid talking at your child, talk with your child. There many excellent books on effective parenting. If there is turmoil, fighting and arguing between the parents–seek counseling to resolve your adult issues. I urge adults who have frequent colds/sore throats to use the following thought patterns. “I hear with love. Harmony surrounds me. I listen with love to the pleasant and the good. I am a center of love.”

    Cataracts – cause: Inability to see ahead with joy. Belief in a dark future.

    Remedy: “Life is eternal and filled with joy. I look forward to every moment.”

    Gall Bladder problems-cause: Bitterness. Hard thoughts. Condemning. Pride. Fear.

    Remedy: “I joyously release all hurts from the past. Life is sweet and so am I.

    Uterus/ovary problems – cause: Allowing confusion to reign. Giving power to outside influences. Rejection of the feminine processes.

    Remedy: “I am at home in my body. I am balanced in my creative flow.

    C-Section-cause: Belief in old wives tales. Belief–childbirth should be painless. Fear. Stopping the process. Rejection of the feminine processes. Unhealed aftereffects of child sexual abuse/rape or adult rape cause the memory of trauma to interfere with the natural birth process. If you are a sexual child abuse or adult rape survivor heal the emotional and physical aftereffects. See http://www.gen-assist.com to find a sexual abuse recovery specialist, traditional therapy is not effective to guide you through sexual abuse recovery.

    Remedy: Change your beliefs about childbirth. Take natural childbirth classes. A mid-wife and/or doula can lead you through a healthy delivery in the majority of instances. “I trust the process of life. I am safe. I am balanced in my creative flow.”

    Jaw Pain-cause: Anger. Resentment. Desire for revenge.

    Remedy: “I am willing to change the patterns in me that created this condition. I love and approve of myself. I am safe.”

    Sleep Apnea: Stubborn refusal to let go of old patterns, overweight or tonsil malfunction.

    Remedy: “I release all that is unlike love and joy in my mind. I move from the past into the new and fresh and vital.” Lose weight and follow remedy for tonsil malfunction.

    Low-Back Pain L-1 to L- 5 – cause: Crying for love and a need to be lonely. Insecurity. Stuck in childhood pain. See no way out. Sexual abuse. Guilt. Self-hatred. Rejection of sexuality. Financial insecurity. Fear of career. Feeling powerless. Insecurity. Difficulty in communicating. Anger. Inability to accept pleasure.

    Remedy: “I am safe in the universe and all Life loves me and supports me. I grow beyond my parents’ limitations and live for myself. It is my turn now. I release the past. I cherish myself and my beautiful sexuality. I am safe. I love who I am. I am grounded in my own power. I am secure on all levels. I deserve to enjoy life. I ask for what I want and I accept with joy and pleasure.”

    Tip: Write these thoughts on a 3X5 card. Read them silently or out loud 3 times upon awakening and before going to sleep. Have a copy with you, if you notice you are running the old tapes in your head, read the new thought pattern. Within 30 – 45 days you will notice you feel better, more energized and have a sense of relief.

    The food we eat or lack of proper nutrition contributes to physical malfunction. I will discuss nutritional needs–titled Holistic Nutrition.

    Article resource: Heal Your Body, Louise Hay.

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    Source by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD

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  • Success With Emotional Intelligence

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    Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions and the emotions of other people in positive ways. Today we can clearly see that being only “book smart” and having a high intelligence quotient or IQ does not guarantee a successful, happy and fulfilled life. There are many people in all parts of the world who are very brilliant academically but are inept at dealing with people and successful at work or in their personal relationships. Academic intelligence is not enough on its own to be successful in life. IQ can help you get a job and earn a living, but it does not show you how to live a life. When it comes to happiness and success in life, emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your career and personal goals.

    Emotionally intelligent people are able to recognize their own emotional state and the emotional states of others and as a result they connect more easily with people. They therefore communicate better, form stronger relationships, achieve greater success at work, and lead a more fulfilling life. John Gottman was right when he said “In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”

    Emotional Intelligence consists of five basic components namely self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. The first three competencies are intra-personal and concern your ability to know and manage yourself. Empathy and social skills are inter-personal competencies and concern your ability to interact and get along with others. The better your intra-personal skills, the easier it becomes to express your inter-personal skills. Mastering these skills will allow you to live a better, happier and more successful and fulfilled life.

    Self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence. It is the ability to know which emotions you are feeling and why. When you understand your emotions, it is easier for you to acknowledge and control your emotions and prevent your feelings from ruling you. You also become more confident as you do not let your emotions get out of control. Being self-aware also enables you to take an honest look at yourself and better know your strengths and weaknesses, and work on these areas to achieve better outcomes for yourself and others.

    Self-Regulation is the ability to control your emotions and impulses and choose the emotions that you want to experience instead of being the victim of whatever emotions arise. When you are able to manage your emotional state, it becomes easier for you to think before you act and this prevents you from making impulsive and careless decisions. This skill also allows you to transform negative exhausting emotions into more positive and productive ones

    The third component of emotional intelligence is motivation. This is about using your emotions to remain positive, optimistic and persistent rather than negative and pessimistic. When you have a high degree of emotional intelligence you tend to be very motivated, productive and efficient in everything they do. You also use your emotions positively to take the right actions to persist and achieve your goals even in the face of considerable adversity or difficulty.

    Empathy is the fourth element of emotional intelligence. It is the ability to truly recognize and understand the feelings and point of view of people around you. Empathetic people usually possess the ability to listen effectively and accurately to others and are normally excellent at managing relationships, improving communication, building trust and relating to others.

    The fifth component of emotional intelligence is social skills. Emotionally intelligent people have good social skills and are excellent at building and maintaining relationships. When you are highly emotionally intelligent, you no longer focus on your own success first and you always have other’s best interests in mind. You always promote an environment where people cooperate with each other instead of compete with one another and you always help others develop and grow.

    Today emotional intelligence is a key to success in life and the good news is that whatever your actual level of emotional intelligence, you can improve it The best way to develop your emotional skills is through practice. You can then become more efficient at recognizing and managing your emotions as well as the emotions of others and lead a happier, more successful and fulfilled life. Always remember the wise words of Daniel Goleman who said, “What really matters for success, character, happiness and life long achievements is a definite set of emotional skills – your EQ – not just purely cognitive abilities that are measured by conventional IQ tests.”

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    Source by Priya Deelchand

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  • Negotiation Tactics and The Poison of Emotion

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    “Don’t take it personally… it’s just business.”

    No doubt you have heard these words spoken by an opposing party to a business deal. Many people have heard these words, and they usually followed a bone-crushing blow from the other side. As if to make any wound acceptable, they remind you they wouldn’t do it on a personal level, but only in a business context.

    As if the two are separable.

    The reality is, personal and business are really not separable, and this is why: when you negotiate a deal, you do not negotiate with a retail shop, or a construction crew, or a brand of product – you negotiate with a person. And that makes it personal, every time.

    Because negotiations are personal, there usually are emotions involved. Humans are emotional creatures; in fact, we are the only emotional creatures. We are unique from the rest of the created world in that we have wills, intellects and emotions. These three trademarks of the human psyche are integral to any negotiation, and the more value involved, the more these three human traits play a role.

    When emotions take the stage in a negotiation, things can get skewed very quickly, and what began as a logical journey to a reasonable conclusion becomes an intense entanglement of anger, pride, and despondency.

    When people get angry, they let reason go to the wind. “Okay, fine,” they say, “if he is going to treat me like I’m stupid, I’ll make sure he knows I’m not.” Then an unwise, unproductive decision is made.

    When a negotiation becomes a showdown of who can prove they are getting the better deal, there’s a battle of pride, and the two sides just continue to try to top the other and the negotiation goes nowhere.

    When someone feels like the breath was just knocked out of them, like when the opposing party downplays or even criticizes what the other party thought was the most valuable element of the deal, a hurt, dejected emotion surfaces and there is an underlying resentment from there on through the rest of the process.

    Emotions are poison to negotiations.

    A skilled negotiator who understands how to apply effective negotiation tactics will do all she can to leave emotions at the door… and lock the door behind her until an agreement is reached.

    In many negotiations, emotions are expected to arise, and some situations almost guarantee them. When two people who have lived in their house for thirty years, reared their children there, made lifelong friendships with the neighbors, and remodeled the home with their own blood and sweat and tears, realize they are at a point where they must sell, they are not going to sell easily. You can bet these folks are going to have some serious emotions when accepting an offer to buy their home. They are selling a part of themselves and may need some serious motivation, which could be an irresistible, bullet proof, over-asking price offer from a buyer.

    And this can mean a tough negotiation ahead.

    High octane deals can create problems, but there are negotiation tactics to deal with them. Here are a few to consider:

    • Understand the other party may be putting on a front

    Some of the nicest, most pleasant people become monsters at the negotiating table. Why? Many reasons. For one, certain people believe you are supposed to be rude and hard-nosed in a negotiation. Yes, they are wrong, but telling them about it is useless. The important thing to remember is you must absorb the abrasiveness and harsh language with grace. Let them be as assinne as they want, but don’t let it affect you. Even if you are burning inside because the buyer just told you the mural your friend painted on the building side will be painted over as soon as the recording ink dries, DON’T LET THEM KNOW IT. Emotion is fine; expressing emotion in a business dealing is weakness.

    You must be strong whether you feel it or not, because it is not so much how you feel that counts, it is how the other side perceives how you feel.

    • View everything from the standpoint of fair market value

    The fact that you hand planned those deck boards and involved your kids through the whole project really doesn’t matter. It may make the deck more valuable to you, but it doesn’t to your buyer. A deck is worth what the fair market value for decks is. Nothing more. In a similar way, the fact that it took you a full year of pursuit to secure that particular client doesn’t affect the value to the buyer of your business. The client is worth the fair market value of their revenue generation for the business. Nothing more.

    Leaving personal emotions out of the deal will help a negotiator to view the value and transferability of his assets properly, and encourage a healthy and balanced negotiation.

    • Have a third party do the negotiating

    Usually big corporations involved in mergers and acquisitions and buy-outs employ the services of an attorney or attorneys to handle the negotiations. This is partly because of the technical know-how required in complicated deals, but it is more than that. Corporate execs know that to have an outside, neutral person to handle the dealing removes any personal element (or at least most of it) from the negotiations. The attorney’s job is not on the line, nor is his standing in the company. But the executive’s is, and there is power in removing those personal elements which can make a party weaker.

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    Source by Rhett Kniep

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  • Wrong Reasons For Getting Married – (1) Marrying Out of Sympathy

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    There are right and wrong reasons for getting married. The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong reason. There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry. One of the wrong reasons and perhaps among the most prominent of the wrong reasons is marrying out of sympathy.

    There are many scenarios under this subheading of marrying out of sympathy that relationship coaches experience in the course of counseling and coaching. Some of the most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex and getting married to a person just because one’s brother or sister jilted that person. Between these two extremes, are those who start relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve. Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbors who are being maltreated. Women fall into this kind of challenge too.

    When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful emotion. It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc. If the man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her attitudes, desires and mindset. He does not stop to find out what life purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into his own desires. If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young man, he would remain loyal to her forever.

    Findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking. If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he or she will do what all captives do, “flee”. Fleeing here may not mean running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the environment. In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as saviors and lordships. This is usually resisted, first psychologically and later verbally. And there goes your peace and comfort.

    Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other. Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would not be allowed into. Once these secret feelings are there, it produces reactive communication instead of responsive communication.

    These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship. This arises from the fact that as the usual challenges appear in the scene, instead of the woman finding a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the pregnancy. Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there is no way they would end up with the man they are married to. Instead of seeing the usual marriage and child rearing challenges as learning opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way. Some blame the child that resulted from the pregnancy. Hatred for a child has been known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.

    For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually overwhelmed. They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes. They now live the rest of their lives in regret, withdrawal or wickedness or under the influence of these three negative but powerful emotions.

    It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for joyful relationship. If while in a relationship with the opposite sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you, then there is no other reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.

    Interestingly, many marriages out there are based on sympathy.

    Young single adults (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face or to save somebody from suffering. Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no sexual intimacy is included. There is need to remember that sexual intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage contract. You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy is mainly for procreation and to cement companionship.

    The excitement and pleasure that accompany sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it. Any other use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of the law. And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law. In most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external court to try you and no external prison to sentence you. But there are internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland where your hard labor would be performed if you commit this offense.

    What is the way to go?

    Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on sympathy, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation. Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelled out, though. Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”. These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone. Both parties ought to know and understand this fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

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    Source by Francis Nmeribe

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  • Five Distinct Mindsets of an Entrepreneur

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    I have written in this column before about whether entrepreneurs are made or born (January 18). As I noted in that column, the issue is no longer the subject of debate. Entrepreneurs can be made, that much is clear. Unfortunately, the culmination of that debate begs a new question: What do aspiring entrepreneurs need to learn?

    The most fruitful research into this question has identified a number of cognitive skills that “expert entrepreneurs” possess. Cognitive skills are, in short, unique ways of thinking. Entrepreneurs who have been examined to reveal the cognitive skills they possess are usually NOT able to articulate them. They are aware that they’ve developed capabilities to convert disparate resources into profitable opportunities, but they can’t exactly say how they do it.

    Research has identified distinct patterns in the thought processes in an exceedingly diverse set of entrepreneurs. Scholars have translated these patterns into terms that can be used by people who teach entrepreneurship and, more importantly, those who practice it.

    In another field of study, Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner wrote a book titled “Five Minds for the Future”. The rationale for Gardner’s work is that: “One cannot even begin to develop an educational system unless one has in mind the knowledge and skills that one values, and the kinds of individuals one hopes will emerge at the end”. His book focuses on the five “mindsets” that he believes essential to general education: the disciplined mind, the synthesizing mind, the creative mind, the ethical mind, and the responsible mind.

    While Gardner’s minds are debatable, his perspective that the way people think largely defines who they become is instructive. In light of his work, it seems natural to wonder whether it is possible to identify five specific “mindsets” that are important to entrepreneurial success. My own research has identified five such mindsets: the opportunity recognizing mind, the designing mind, the risk managing mind, the resilient mind, and the effectuating mind.

    The opportunity recognizing mind is cultivated by identifying “pain points” in industry-specific value chains. Expert entrepreneurs rapidly go from spotting a pain point to analyzing the size of the market opportunity. Aspiring entrepreneurs, in contrast, are more likely to extrapolate from limited experience, and they tend to neglect analyzing the SIZE of the opportunity.

    The designing mind has learned how to create repeatable production processes that consistently create valuable output for an identified market. In fact, one of the main differentiators between entrepreneurship and small business is the entrepreneur designs and develops of production processes that do not require his or her constant attention. Small business owners generally enjoy working in their business. Entrepreneurs prefer the design approach of working on their business.

    Risk management is a too-often overlooked element of entrepreneurial expertise. A common belief is that entrepreneurs are risk takers. In reality, entrepreneurs have learned to be highly effective risk minimizers. Where others see intolerable risk, the expert entrepreneur has learned to reduce the risk to an acceptable level. For example, expert entrepreneurs operate according to the “principle of affordable loss” when launching a new venture. They don’t risk more than they can afford to lose.

    The resilient mind is simply the ability to bounce back from the inevitable failures and setbacks that all entrepreneurs encounter. Expert entrepreneurs have learned to distinguish their business failures from personal failure. Without question they still experience disappointment and frustration, but they don’t turn their negative emotions inward. They view their business experiences objectively, and they strive to learn as much or more from their failures than they do from their successes.

    Finally, the effectuating mind is simply the ability realistically to assess one’s talents, situation, and prospects. Any particular entrepreneurial opportunity could be pursued by anyone, but not everyone can pursue each opportunity. Some people simply will be better prepared to capitalize on an opportunity than others. This may be due to their life history, family circumstances, genetic gifts, or other factors. Expert entrepreneurs have learned honestly to assess their own unique talents and to leverage them in pursuit of opportunity. They do not care that others may be better suited to pursue other, potentially more lucrative, opportunities.

    The five mindsets entrepreneurial expertise are targets for lifelong learning and development. No matter your current level of expertise in any of these mindsets it is likely that you have room for improvement. If you deliberately practice and develop skills in these specific mindsets over time, the chances for your entrepreneurial success inexorably will improve.

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    Source by Dr. Thomas Duening

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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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  • Sex As a Natural Treatment For Gout

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    I wanted to laugh when I first came across this rather ridiculous suggestion on some of the online sources about natural treatments for gout. After the initial state of skepticism, I decided to do some study about this interesting topic about having sex as a natural treatment for gout.

    Well, it must somehow works on some of the gout patients until this method is widely spread as one of the treatment option for gout. Some people think it works, but they just cannot explain how it works on reducing the inflammation and pain of the notorious gout attacks. Before I explain how to have good sex as one of the method of treating your gout, you must first understand the chemistry of sex.

    We all know about the temptation and good feelings that good sex gives us. That is part of our natural instinct, and having a healthy sex life plays an important role in maintaining the well being of our body and mind.

    Scientists call sex as a melting pot of the soup of bio-chemicals, the hormones. This scientific statement may somehow kills away some of the romantic side of sex, but whatever you feel as the result of sex can actually be explained by simple science. It is not a matter of what happens between your legs, it is about the chemical reactions happen between your ears.

    There are a few vital hormones that contribute the pleasures (and pain relief) we feel during sexual intercourse. It starts with dopamine, which is one of the brain’s pleasure chemicals. Dopamine is released in the ‘reward centre’ of the brain when we see something that arouses our desire, such as good food and attractive partner. Dopamine increases the pulse rate and cardiac functions which result in the ‘blushing’ effect in some people.

    During sexual orgasm, your brain will push the amount of dopamine to the max and then bring it down right after the climax with the release of prolactin which prevents you from over indulge in the rush of dopamine. Prolactin rises sharply immediately after orgasm and it is what gives you the “full” feeling after your intimate moment. Prolactin disengages you from sex after orgasm and makes room for your mind to think of other things besides the naked person lying next to you.

    Beside the roller coaster ride of dopamine, there are two other sex related neurotransmitters that contribute to the whole sensation of sex. Oxytocin, which is also known as the “cuddling hormone” is a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland when you feel the affection to someone you love dearly. Oxytocin helps in creating a strong bond between you and your lover.

    Oxytocin stimulates the production of endorphin which is the ‘happy neuro chemical’ that produces the feelings of ecstasy and pleasure. Endorphins fill you with a sense of well-being and relaxation, and sometimes might even drift you off to sleep. Endorphin has a similar chemical structure of morphine and that explains why it has the pain relief effects.

    The quality of you sex life determine the levels of the above mentions hormones in your body. If you want to have sex as a treatment for gout, you must know how to ‘control’ the release of those hormones.

    The best guideline is to increase the amount of oxytocin and endorphin as much as you can while minimize the fluctuation of dopamine and prolactin. Since oxytocin and endorphin are more emotionally related, so it is good to practice longer lasting sensual experiences with your lover instead of a lustful release of desire.

    Make love, not sex. Those pain and stress relief hormones are hidden in your brain not your sex organ. Cultivate the right feelings and emotions with your love ones by having romantic foreplay and delay the ejaculation for as long as you can while making sure both of you enjoy the pleasure of sex.

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    Source by Heemen Ee

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