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  • Relationships: Can A Relationship Bring Up Someone’s Attachment Trauma?

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    When someone gets into a relationship, they may believe that they have finally met their match. What they have been through in the past, when it comes to this area of their life, is then going to be well and truly over.

    At one point, it will have been as though they were on a stormy sea and now, they will be on calm waters. There is then going to be no more bumps – the path in front of them will be completely flat.

    An Unexpected Outcome

    However, although this may be how one currently sees this area of their life, it doesn’t mean that their external world will match up with what is taking place in their mind as time goes by. What they could find is that their partner ends up pulling away as time goes by or that they come up too strong.

    If the former takes place, one could end up feeling rejected and abandoned, and what may follow is the feeling of being worthless. Yet, if the latter takes place, they could end up feeling smothered and trapped, which could result in them feeling powerless.

    Confusion

    If something like this was to take place, the first thing that one could do is to blame their partner. Instead of stepping back and reflecting on what is taking place, what is going on externally will be seen as the issue.

    As a result of this, their partner could end up reacting negatively to what they say, creating even more disharmony. Another thing that could take place is that the relationship could simply come to an end.

    A Similar Scenario

    At the same time, while one of the occurrences above could be what has taken place, it could be slightly different. So, instead of them feeling rejected and abandoned because their partner has actually pulled away, they could feel this way if their partner has a lot going on at work, for instance, and is unable to spend as much time with them as they usually would.

    And, while they could be feeling smothered and trapped due to their partner coming on too strong, they could feel this way whenever they express their needs. No matter what is going on, then, it will lead to a fair amount of internal discomfort.

    The Early Stages

    If one was fine before they got into a relationship with this person, they may wonder what is going on. But, while they may have been fine up until this point, there is also the chance that it is not this black and white.

    They may have only been seeing this person for a few weeks and had number of intense experiences during this time. Perhaps there was time when they didn’t hear from them for a little while, with this resulting in them feeling fearful and as though they had been rejected.

    Attached

    This may have been a time when they simply reacted to how they were feeling, doing what they could to get the other person to respond. Alternatively, they may have pushed down how they felt and tried to act normal.

    Their need to make a good impression at this point may have stopped them from criticising the other person. Based on how they felt, the last thing they would have wanted was for them to stop talking to them altogether.

    One Outlook

    One way of looking at what took place earlier on and/or what is taking place now that they are in a relationship would be to say that one is simply overacting. Ergo, the best thing for them to do would be to make sure that they don’t get caught up their ‘irrational’ feelings.

    One could end up coming to believe that they need to be mindful of what is taking place in their head, due to the fact that their thoughts create their feelings. It is then going to be all about what is going on up top.

    A Deeper Look

    Another way of looking at this would be to say that the reason all these feelings have been coming up is because they have become emotionally attached to another person, which has allowed their early wounds to be brought up to the surface. Consciously, one may not see the other person as their caregiver, but unconsciously, this can be exactly how they see them.

    At a deeper level, part of them will look towards their partner to give them what their caregivers didn’t give them, and when this doesn’t happen, how they felt during their early years will come back up to the surface. And not only will how they felt during their early years be triggered when their partner doesn’t behave in a certain way, this can also take place even if this part of them assumes that something has taken place.

    Deep Pain

    There is then going to be no need for clear evidence to be provided in order for their early wounds to be opened up. What complicates this even further is that although this part of them will want to receive what it didn’t receive all those years ago, experiencing the same experiences over and over again will be what feels safe.

    When their wounds are opened up, they can end up feeling like a needy and dependent child. Perhaps their early years were a time in their life when their needs were rarely, if ever met, meaning that they would have been spent a lot of time feeling rejected and abandoned.

    Awareness

    The years will have passed since that stage of their life but the trauma that they experienced will still be within them. If one can relate to this and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support.

    This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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    Source by Oliver JR Cooper

    Views: 0

  • The Motionless Traveller by Author Aspi Doctor, a Spiritual Journey

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    The Motionless Traveller by Author Aspi Doctor

    I thought it fitting to play my Dalai Lama CD while contemplating the novel I have just finished; “The Motionless Traveller” by author Aspi Doctor. It assists in setting the tone while I attempt to articulate the many levels of knowledge woven in between the lines for the reader to catch or to just simply sit back and enjoy the ride. Yes, the Dalai OM’ing in the background of my concsious mind overseeing that this review is done with honour. I think he would approve.

    Aside from the fact that I am continually amazed at the phenomenal talent to be found off the beaten path of the big box book publishing houses and corporate monopoly distributors and retailers, who knew that this Northern Ontarian would be reviewing a such a ‘shining star’ from India.

    To have the gist of the novel, it is important to understand a bit of the man behind the words. Aspi was born in Bombay, India into a family of Zoroastrians and avid readers. He first demonstrated his gift for storytelling in primary school, to the delight of his classmates. Among the many other demands of a vocation within academia and in pursuit of his passion of the written word, Aspi studied English Literature obtaining a Masters Degree and Diploma in Journalism at the University of Bombay. Here Aspi was awarded the honourable prize of ‘First Standing’ in his subject group, and continued to explore many other dimensions of the wonderful world of literature in the Dramatic Arts and Theatre, Public Speaking and Radio Script Writing.

    In 1969, Aspi finally began putting pen to paper in earnest above and beyond his full duties as Principal and Academic of the Tolani College and the A.P. College of Commence, (affiliates of the University of Bombay). As a respected educator in his own right, he wrote and published a number of Text Books, such as; Business Communications-25 editions, Bank Correspondence-11 editions, Communications Skills in English-12 editions, Mass Communications-6 editions and more.

    In 1980, this calm, wise, insightful, mild mannered and ever smiling semi-retired professor began to put his wealth of knowledge into fiction format with “The Motionless Traveler”.

    A futuristic story that begins in Bombay India, in an era of post fossil fuel exhaustion and overpopulation with a bored government worker named Krish. Jolted out of his routine life when he rescues a young girl from a street gang, Krish inadvertently embarks on an adventure that spans the globe when he is gifted a ‘magical’ statue of the Buddha. Intertwined within the many levels of the story the reader gains glimpses into the Indian cultural mind with hints of Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, Spiritualism with some key Natural Law and Quantum Physics to ponder. Through the fine art of storytelling, we participate in Krish’s spiritual and metaphysical journey to a desert in Arabia, to Africa, to Mexico, to New Mexico, the United States, all to arrive at destination Canada. However, the true destination is to be continued long after the Buddha is handed over to a scientific research group, whose intent is to unravelling the statues mysteries amidst much intrigue as.

    Krish’s magical journey across oceans and continents brings thought provoking insights to the reader while he grows into new found power and understandings of the laws of nature and ultimately the evolution of mankind as a whole.

    As with all great teachings, the story is innately and humbly human while touching on the sacredness of the spiritual journey toward a collective and timeless God consciousness.

    Aspi continues to devote his so called spare time to his current writing endeavors which include another fiction novel entitled “Feet of Clay”. Several more text books are also in progress and pending publication.

    Aspi is currently the Vice President of the Association of College Principals in Bombay and an active member on the board of directors of two other educational institutions.

    I look forward to his next novel with anticipation of yet another spiritual journey filled with insights and the human condition. I am happy to recommend this work.

    Addendum: It is worth the time to peruse the http://www.ideaindia.com web site, a wealth of talented authors, good books, free e-books and articles covering many genres and topics.

    Reviewer:

    Jan Porter – http://www.inspiredsoulworks.com

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    Source by Jan I Porter

    Views: 0

  • How to Make Money As a Reflexologist

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    Being a reflexologist is one of the top five career choices in the field of holistic health. The trend shows that more and more people are turning toward holistic practices to enhance traditional medical therapies. Being a reflexologist also allows the practitioner to create a flexible schedule in many circumstances.

    If you have thought about a career in reflexology, it is time to start getting more information. The first thing you should do is contact the local reflexology association in your area. One such website is for the American Reflexology Certification Board. Although, certification is not required in the United States, for professional reasons, you should be certified if it is available.

    At the website, you will want to find answers to several things. You can look for schools certified to teach reflexology, licensing and certification requirements, and any other information you think would be helpful to you.

    Going to school to become a reflexologist is a requirement in most places, even if you don’t need to be licensed or certified after graduating. Classes range in duration from six months to one year or more. The class usually is at least 100 hours in classroom time and at least 300 hours practical time. Depending on your location, requirements may vary.

    You should look for a reflexologist program that focuses on more than the feet and hands. Look for a school that discusses health, nutrition, biology, chemistry, physiology, anatomy, ethics and professionalism. Finding a school that also explains the business side of being a reflexologist is a plus.

    You may want to consider a school that also offers a massage therapist program. Even if you don’t do it now, becoming a massage therapist can add to your income potential and increase your marketability. You may decide to wait to take these classes later, since they are more intense and licensing is a requirement in many areas.

    As a reflexologist, you will be working with a client’s feet and hands for 45 minutes to one hour in a normal session. You should be able to talk with the client before, during and after the session. It is your job as a reflexologist to calm and relax the client while being a good listener.

    Once you are in the final stages of the reflexologist program, you should start working on marketing your services. From your practical experience, you may have a small client base, but you need a large client base that will continue to grow. You should decide if you want to go to your clients or have them come to you. If they come to you, consider renting space or partnering with a chiropractor, doctor’s office, podiatrist, or holistic health center.

    You may also want to check local gyms and spas as well. They may allow you to offer your reflexologist services through the business or they may hire you full time. It is just a matter of going to these different places and selling yourself and your services.

    If you decide to go to your clients, you will want to partner with doctors, holistic practitioners, chiropractors, and gyms. They may refer clients to you to enhance the therapies their patients are currently receiving.

    Once you know how you are going to work, you need to decide on the cost of your reflexology services. Some places will dictate the fees you can charge, and others will not. You will need to contact local reflexologists, and ask them about the services they offer and fees associated with the services. This information will give you a basis to work from when developing your own pricing system.

    You should check reflexologist web sites routinely and subscribe to industry magazines. This will keep you up on new trends, tips, and techniques in reflexology. You may also look at continuing education class at your local community college.

    Since you may with working with clients in a medical setting, the client may think you are a medical doctor. If this should happened, just gently remind the patient that you are not a doctor, but a trained, certified (when applicable), professional reflexologist.

    The only other real problem you could face would be if you feel the client is unclean or the client’s feet and/or hands have sores, fungus or other diseases. Never feel that you have to accept everyone who contacts you as a client. You need to protect the clients you already have, and that may mean refusing service to others. Let them know they have a problem and should seek medical attention. Tell them to return to you when the problem has been corrected and then you will take them as a client.

    If you are still interested in becoming a reflexologist, contact the local reflexology association, get more information, and get started.

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    Source by Randy Wilson

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  • My Husband Says He’s Miserable With Me and Isn’t Sure He Wants to Be Married – Insights to Help

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    Over the weekend, I received some correspondence from a wife who had noticed her husband acting cold and distant all weekend. He seemed to be picking fights, was clearly on edge and was showing body language and postures which indicated that something was very wrong. Of course, the wife asked him what was bothering him and he proceeded to answer with phrases like “nothing,” or “it’s just a bad day.”

    The wife was not happy with these responses and continued to press. The husband proceeded to withdrawal and act defensive. Finally, after the wife continued to follow him around and nag him, he angrily blurted out “can’t you see I’m miserable with you? If it weren’t for the kids, I’m not sure if I’d even want to be married to you.” The wife later regretted her response (which was to tell the husband that being married to him was no picnic either.)

    Later when they both calmed down, she asked him if he really meant what he said. The husband took a deep breath and said “I really don’t want to hurt you, but yes, I’m just not happy. I don’t know if it’s healthy for either of us to remain married.” The wife wanted my advice as to how she should proceed or act around him as he was clearly determined to sulk and complain. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

    Determining What Responsibility A Wife Has In Her Husband’s Misery: The wife admitted that things weren’t perfect in her marriage. In fact, she had felt a distance growing in her marriage for some time. However, she would have never guessed that her husband was as miserable as he said he was. She suspected that he was projecting some disappointment and misery in other areas of his life and from his work onto their marriage.

    She may well have been right. This is actually quite a common occurrence. Much of the misery that he was feeling may not have initiated with her, but what was more important than it’s origin was the fact that he was equating his negative feelings with her and with the marriage. This may well be very unfair and even quite inaccurate. But, like it or not, this was her reality today and even she admitted that the marriage could use some improvement.

    So, while much of this may not have been her fault, there were certainly areas that she could address and improve. In a marriage that is working well, the spouse who is having issues with his job, his life, or his family will typically find solace and comfort in his spouse – rather than blaming her for the problem. The fact that he was doing just that indicated that there was a lot of room for improvement.

    So while the responsibility for the husband’s misery very likely did not lie totally with the wife, there was some opportunity to provide support and to let him know that she was there for him, willing to listen, and willing to help him in any way that she could – which is probably exactly what she would want for him to do if the roles were reversed.

    Beginning To Make Improvements In Your Marriage When You Husband Wants To Remain Alone In Being Miserable: When I explained some of these things with the wife, she was a bit resistant. She said that he was moping around so much that he might trip on his bottom lip. Granted, it can be hard to approach someone like this. But, she had pretty much been either ignoring him or trying to convince him either that he wasn’t as miserable as he thought, or that, if he was, this was his fault and not hers.

    Although this strategy is understandable, it’s not usually the most effective. The first step would be to calmly bring this out into the open and say your peace in a positive way that doesn’t continue to encourage or elicit his negative emotions. She might start by saying something like “I’m very sorry that you’re so unhappy right now. I love you and want for you to be happy. If there’s anything that I can do to help with this, I’m more than willing to do that. I can listen. I can offer support. I can make some shifts and changes if that’s what you need, but I can’t read your mind. Are you willing to talk about this so that we can come up with a plan to make this better?”

    I had no way to predict how the husband was going to react. I can tell you from previous experiences that some husbands will continue on with the negative act and say things like “it’s too late,” or “there’s nothing that you can do now.” Some men, though will begin to meet you half way even in the beginning. No matter what reaction you get, it’s very important that you respond in a positive manner. If they lash out, reply that you’re sorry to hear that and again offer your support. Eventually as you remain calm, supportive, and positive, it will become harder and harder to remain negative when you refuse to engage them.

    If they do tell you some things that might help, by all means meet them half way and do what you can to make things better. Although not all of this is your fault, it will only benefit both you and your marriage if you can lighten the tension, begin to identify and work on the issues, and to be the spouse that you would want your husband to be to you if the roles were reversed. If you can do this, it’s highly likely that all of the “ending the marriage” talk will begin to eventually lessen also.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • My Wife Is So Sensitive! How to Manage This in a Compassionate Way

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    Feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells in your own home is never a good thing. Although women don’t have the market cornered when it comes to sensitivity, it can be a huge issue for many wives. Living with a woman who is super sensitive leaves a man on edge and can affect the emotional connection he feels with his spouse. Trying to deal with this in an effective and compassionate manner takes some insight, some carefully chosen words and a lot of patience.

    It’s very rare for a woman who is sensitive to only be that way with her husband. Sensitive people tend to carry that trait into every relationship they have including work based ones as well as other family connections. If your wife is just as sensitive with her siblings, her parents or the people she works with, you can take at least some small degree of comfort in that. It doesn’t, however, help you to deal with it in a way that will help your wife manage her sensitivity issues while at the same time ensuring your marriage continues to grow.

    Since you are her life partner you must become the safest person in your wife’s life. You want her to feel as though you’re the one person who truly understands her and isn’t focused on hurting her. To that end you must treat her as the fragile person she is. Simply telling a sensitive person to grow a backbone or to grow up only makes matters worse. People who are sensitive by nature, absorb negative things very deeply so they continually need positive reinforcement.

    Tell your wife on a daily basis how special you believe she is. Give her examples of what you mean. If she’s a considerate and doting mother, tell her you recognize that. If she’s committed to her career and is a perfectionist in that regard, let her know that you deeply admire her drive. If she senses that you are her biggest supporter, she’s going to see you as the shining light of her life.

    It’s incredibly challenging to have any type of productive disagreement with someone who is very sensitive. Even one harsh comment or negative remark can set them into an emotional tailspin. Once that happens nothing is accomplished and the initial conflict becomes more far reaching because feelings are deeply hurt.

    It’s important not to approach your wife if you’re incredibly angry or frustrated. It can be hard to temper what you feel in a moment like that and you may inadvertently say something that will pain her deeply, causing her to retreat into herself. Whatever the conflict is, it will still be there in an hour or two when you’ve had time to cool down a bit and logically think about the best way to initiate a conversation with your wife about it. If you come to a discussion like this with a calm and rational tone, your wife won’t feel too defensive which will help you to solve whatever the problem is.

    You can’t control what anyone else says or does to your wife. Sensitivity is often accompanied with low self esteem issues. It might be commonplace in your marriage for your wife to feel hurt or rejected by others if they criticize her in anyway. Once this happens explain to her that she can’t please everyone but the people who love her most think she’s remarkable. Hearing those words from you, when she’s feeling down, will help her tremendously.

    Love your wife the best way you can and be her supporter at every turn. By being sensitive in your own way to her sensitivity issues you’ll build a stronger and more mutually satisfying marriage. Your wife needs you to understand her so show her that you’re going to do that and more by always being mindful of her feelings.

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    Source by Gillian Reynolds

    Views: 0

  • Dealing With Emotional Triggers

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    I write this article because I realized that while going through a tough season in my life and going through the emotional healing process there were moments when out of nowhere something and even someone would say or do something unbeknownst to them that would set me on an emotional spiral because it triggered a negative memory or life moment gripped by strong emotions.

    Once the moment subsided I started wondering what I could do to not be undermined by emotional triggers in my life. It has a lot to do with your thought process which works with your emotions. I have been in the process of healing my soul and crucial to that process was dealing with how I think and how it was effecting my life. For the most part I am positive but a long season of growing pains had created a lot of woundedness in my soul. I made the decision not to see through my wounds anymore and to see from a healthy soul which begins with ridding myself of the negative thoughts that have been bombarding me. To do so I began with prayer and seeking God for the wisdom and solution to deal with the hurt in my soul. Below are the solutions that has and continue to work for me. I am wired to be productive so this is incorporated into my day and what I will do for that day

    1) Pray and get quiet within yourself to hear the answer

    2) Once the answer comes stay committed to the healing process. It will take time to heal in your soul.

    3) Stay Diligent it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, and 90 days to become a way of life.

    4) I listen to and watch positive teaching on thinking and healing my soul daily.

    5) I wake up praying and then listening to teaching on the radio to replace negative thoughts and self talk with faith filled thoughts & words

    6) I Listen to worship music and worship God through song, I also listen to soothing music without lyrics sometimes. This creates an environment of peace conducive for my soul to heal.

    7) On hard days press in harder and don’t stop the healing process.

    8) It is crucial to guard your eyes, ears, and heart.

    9) Negative things do happen and it’s important how you manage your emotional response

    10) Believe in yourself and make the decision to not line up with a negative perspective and choose to see the good

    For example there is a great worship song that was sung at my sisters home going service and on a Sunday in church the song was sung. I began to come unglued emotionally inside but no one around me knew I was struggling and I wanted to run but The Holy Spirit reassured me I will be alright with a comforting peace. I just started saying Hallelujah to calm myself and stay focused on the worship. Till this day I can no longer hear that song but learning how to manage the trigger. My Pastor A. R. Bernard taught us that it will take twelve pieces of positive information to replace one piece of negative information. Yes it is a battle but worth fighting to be free indeed, healed and whole in your soul.

    This sums it up when dealing with Triggers… It’s crucial to Breathe properly to help calm yourself and gather your thoughts to respond and not react to your triggers

    Quote: Take a breath. Pause. Iyanla Vanzant

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    Source by Jana Hicks

    Views: 0

  • Aromatherapy – Nature’s Fragrant Medicine

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    We all know how fragrances make us feel. Some aromas make us euphoric, others have a more soothing effect, and specific familiar smells can transport us back in time and bring on feelings of nostalgia. The psychological and emotional effects of fragrance and the extreme importance of our sense of smell are obvious. But, did you know these same fragrances can also be used to heal your body and create well-being in your life? Aromatherapy is a well-known technique amongst healers from all parts of the world and all civilizations.

    What do they know that you don’t?

    As with Color Therapy, Sound Healing, Crystal Healing, and Energy Therapy, the aim of Aromatherapy, within the scope of healing, is to activate the senses of the body. The goal is to eliminate the conditioned, logical, and analytical mind, thus activating the wonderful reality of “feeling” and experiencing life in it most empirical and purest form. It is in this empirical state, that we are able to break the illusions of separation and connect on a deeper level with the energies that surround us. Dr. Richard Gerber MD, author of Vibrational Medicine, tells us that one of the best ways we can change dysfunctional patterns in our energy bodies is to administer therapeutic doses of frequency-specific energy. We do this by using herbs, crystals, sound, and energy also called vibrational medicines.

    It is common knowledge and practice, that scent can affect physical and psychological changes in living beings. We experience it regularly in our daily lives. When we smell a fragrance, it triggers an immediate emotion or feeling, that makes us happy, excited, calm or even nostalgic. Aromatherapy, practiced throughout thousands of years, dating back to the ancient Egyptians and the Vedic culture of India, where plant extracts and medicinal plants are still widely used.

    The term Aromatherapy was coined in 1937, by a French perfumer and chemist by the name of Rene-Maurice Gatterfosee. Aromatherapy is the holistic science of utilizing naturally extracted essences from plants to balance, harmonize and promote the health of body, mind, and spirit. Through the knowledgeable and controlled use of essential oils, we are able to achieve physical, emotional health, and overall well-being. As with other holistic practices, Aromatherapy is always used to treat the “whole” person and not just the symptom or the disease.The application of essential oils is historically mentioned countless times and throughout diverse civilizations (Egyptians, Greeks, Romans etc.) for a variety of health-related applications. Today, there are thousands of studies on essential oils. We know that their effectiveness is accurately merited by their composition of very small molecules, that are able to penetrate deeply and quickly into our cells (Transdermal delivery).

    The sense of smell is the most neglected of all the senses in humans. This is surprising when we consider that seventy to seventy-five percent of what we perceive as taste, actually comes from our sense of smell. The neurons that sense the odor molecules, lie deep within the nasal cavity, in a patch of cells called the olfactory epithelium. To understand how odor is humanly perceived, it is important to know why the limbic system allows us to behave differently when experiencing different odors. The Limbic system is a complex system of nerves and networks in the brain, involving several areas near the edge of the cortex, related to our instinct and mood. It also controls our most basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and drives (hunger, sex, dominance, care of offspring). A very important aspect of smell is that olfactory neurons make up the only sensory pathway, that is in direct contact with the brain. Because of the close connection to the limbic center, feelings and emotions can naturally be regulated, as well as memory.

    The application and uses of Aromatherapy in healing, obey the same Universal Law that everything vibrates at different and specific frequencies. Every atom in the universe has a specific vibratory or periodic motion. Most plants (and animals,) use enzymes to break down molecular components during their life processes. And, each of these enzymes has a unique crystalline form with a specific vibratory frequency. The vibrational frequency of an oil reflects the innate integrity of these elements and the intrinsic enzymes embodied within its substance.

    The process of using Aromatherapy in healing treatments is to apply plant-derived oils with the correct matching frequency. Therefore, allowing the physical body to absorb these energetic vibrations and bring the body back to a state of well-being and equilibrium. Essential oils do not resonate with the toxins in our bodies; neither, do they resonate with negative emotions. This incompatibility is what naturally helps remove toxins and toxic energy from our systems. Aromatherapy, energetically speaking, can help dislodge forgotten traumas by surfacing them in our consciousness. For, it is in a state of consciousness that we can face, deal with them, and let them go. The therapeutic properties of this method, create exceptional vibrational remedies, capable of healing or rebalancing the body/mind/soul/spirit. Essential oils can regularly be used in body oils for massage, facial/body lotions and oils, baths, inhalation, diffusion, and on the energy points on your body.

    It is fairly simple to integrate Aromatherapy into your daily life. You do not need to be a master of plants and herbs. Choose a few. Learn about their energetic properties. Smell each oil. How do they make you feel? Once you have narrowed down your list and hand chosen your favorites, here are some DIY ideas:

    • Place a few drops on a tissue and place it in the air vents in your car. Enjoy Aromatherapy anywhere you go. No need to schedule extra time to enjoy the benefits of essential oils.
    • You can mix your favorite oils with coconut or jojoba oil (my favorites) and use them instead of your regular perfume.
    • Mix your essential oil in distilled water. Then, using a spray bottle, spray it as an air freshener around the house. You can also spray it on your favorite pillows and throws.

    Be Creative! You Are Unique!

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    Source by Susan Vilanova

    Views: 0

  • What Can I Say To Make My Husband Understand The Pain That His Cheating Has Caused?

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    It’s very common from me to hear from wives who are struggling to explain to their husbands just how much his cheating or affair hurt them and caused them pain. But often, their husband doesn’t react in the way that they were hoping for and they are looking for a way to explain their feelings so that he actually understands them.

    I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I have repeatedly tried to explain to my husband the depth of and reasons for my pain after his infidelity, but he either doesn’t want to hear it or he’s not understanding what I’m saying. Sometimes, I pour my heart out to him and try to explain how he has hurt me and all I get is blank stare back or empty assurances that he really is trying. This is so frustrating to me because I need him to understand the extent of my pain so that I can have some reassurance that he’ll never cheat again. I want him to understand why I sometimes act in the way that I do because of what a grave mistake he has made. But part of me thinks that he’s unwilling or just incapable of hearing me. How can I explain my pain in a way that he’ll actually understand and be willing to listen?” I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

    Pick The Right Time And Know That, Once You Start Repeating Yourself, Your Words Lose Their Effectiveness: I hear from both wives who are faithful and husbands who are not on my blog and I can tell you that if you are constantly talking about your hurt and pain, eventually, even the most sincere husband will begin to tune you out. One reason for this is that no one wants to constantly be reminded of the pain that they have caused. And husbands will often want to place their focus on moving on while the wife wants to place her focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

    This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or just doesn’t want to hear it. But, at least sometimes, he hears your words as accusations. He might constantly hear that his selfishness and weakness has hurt you deeply and this just isn’t a message that he wants to hear on a continual basis, day after day. Men will often give comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much the infidelity has hurt her. I do believe and understand that and I’m sorry for it. But, do I really need or have to listen to what an awful person I am every single day? How many times does she need to explain where I went wrong or how awful I am before she will feel satisfied that she’s said it enough? I tell her I’m deeply sorry. I listen. But it doesn’t seem to be enough and we repeat this process constantly.”

    I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t regularly discuss and try to work through the infidelity. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your way and the dynamics that are at play here. If you really want your husband to listen and to take your words to heart, then sometimes you have to pick the right time and limit the message so that it has the maximum impact.

    Consider What Your Husband Is Actually Going To Hear Before You Say The Words: I alluded to this in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message that your husband hears has more to do with your tone and your delivery than the words that you say. So you might say something like “your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It’s made me doubt your integrity and your love and commitment to me. It’s affected my self esteem and my level of trust. And I’m not sure when things are going to get any better.”

    But what he hears is often something more in line with: “your poor decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage. You are an awful, selfish person with very little impulse control. And your actions have caused me so much pain that I might not ever fully recover. Because of this, I am going to feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think of you. And, this is going to be our lot in life from this day on because I don’t anticipate any changes.”

    These examples might seem a little extreme, but they aren’t that far off from the comments that I hear. An unfaithful husband can hear a message that you never intended. And because of this, he is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often take this to mean he isn’t listening or he just doesn’t care and so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course, this just keeps the cycle going. She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten down and neither person is getting what they want or need.

    If you think about it, what you probably really want is to feel heard. You want for him to know, understand, (and even feel) your pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat again and more likely to show the remorse that so many of us really want and need. So, think about what’s most likely to accomplish this.

    You don’t want to come across as too accusatory or too despondent because unfortunately, these things will contribute to him feeling defensive and to tuning you out. Instead, you want to use “I” phrases so that it sounds as if you’re talking responsibility for your own feelings and you’re not just trying to lay on the blame or make him feel continuously guilty for the rest of his life. And, you want to choose the time when your message is most likely to be heard. You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when you’re main goal is to hurt him. I’ve found that the message is often more likely to be heard if you say it when things are going a little more positively and both people are calm.

    An Example Of What To Say To Express The Pain His Cheating Has Caused: An example would be something like: “if this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain how much your infidelity has hurt me. I’m not doing this to punish you or to paint you as a horrible person. I love you and don’t think you’re an awful person, but I need to feel as though you care enough to hear me. And I need to know that you truly understand so that you will hesitate to cheat again. Having someone who you love more than anything betray you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have ever imagined. It calls into doubt things about your marriage and yourself that are just devastating. Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the rolls were reversed? Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so that we can begin to move forward once and for all. I don’t intend to keep bringing this up, but before I move on, I need to know that you truly understand.”

    Phrasing like this is much more likely to get the response and the understanding that you are after. But you can only play this card so often before your husband begins to tune you out. So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to begin to move forward so that your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continuously punish him.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

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  • To Prevent A Divorce And Save Your Relationship Merely Takes A Willingness To Do So

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    If your relationship is going through a rough patch and it is one of numerous rough spots you may be worried that you are heading for divorce.

    Often divorce can’t be avoided, it will depend on the couple and the circumstance, but there are many times that you can pursue healing your relationship prior to it reaches the point for divorce.

    One error many people make is that they start making promises.

    Even if you believe you are genuine and that you can make some attitude and behavior changes, but do not commit, declarations like these will not save your relationship.

    You do need to go over the issues with your partner though since you can’t simply alter who you are to make them more than satisfied, and you need to be pleased and more than satisfied, too.

    Often there are issues that both of you require to work with to improve the relationship.

    The Idea is to Repair the Relationship Issues

    Telling your partner that you love or admire him/her continuously is not a great idea either, because even if it is true and you do like him, stating it constantly won’t repair any issues.

    Telling him that you like him can be seen as a bit of emotional blackmail – when all else fails to say ‘I love you’ – it doesn’t rather work like that.

    Rather, it’s the holiness within each of you that must be and connect seen as whole that is the miracle remedy for a failing marital relationship.

    The Course in Miracles states, “The holy relationship is a phenomenal teaching accomplishment. In all its aspects, as it begins, develops and becomes accomplished, it represents the reversal of the unholy relationship.”

    When a relationship is in difficulty it can be difficult and you may find yourself a psychological wreck and seem to think that to prevent divorce is impossible.

    Due to the fact that it will just drain him more emotionally, this is another factor why you shouldn’t keep telling him that you love him.

    Telling him that he is sexy or that you love him is something you must save for when you have your relationship back on track.

    Another big mistake when a relationship is in difficulty is to constantly argue, and all it does is add more stress to the relationship, and no one wins these arguments.

    No one Wins Over Arguments

    In a previous discussion I went deeper into the best marriage advice online and does couples therapy really work?

    – Do not start any arguments with your partner and if he begins one then leave.

    – If he would like to go over matters, when he has actually soothed down then ask him.

    – Do not approach the marital relationship like a competitor.

    You are not wanting to prove who is best at relationships and who is to blame for it stopping working, but do approach it like a partnership that you both need to help each other with.

    Sit down with your husband/wife and calmly talk about any problems you have, if your marriage is heading for divorce perhaps discuss how to avoid divorce.

    Don’t argue with him however ask him exactly what he is feeling and how he thinks you can prevent and enhance the marital relationship divorce.

    To save your relationship take his answers into factor to consider along with your own sensations and attempt to work some compromise that will make you both feel better.

    If you handle the problem in a calm and fully grown method, you can between the two of you, and perhaps with marriage counseling, find how to avoid a divorce.

    Even if you believe you are sincere, but he/she is not, and that you can make positive changes, statements of demanding or pleading will only hurt chances for how to fix a failing relationship.

    – Can you stop a divorce after filing?

    It Takes a Readiness to do the Work

    You may, but typically there are issues that both parties need to work with to rather than dealing with a breakup to enhance the relationship.

    Telling him that you enjoy him or that you will do anything for him/her, is something you need to save for when communication and holiness within is found and connected, and you have your relationship back on track.

    When a relationship is in trouble and continuously arguing is happening, the biggest error that needs forgiveness is.

    Do not approach the marital relationship like a competitor to find who is best at relationships and who is to blame, because the ego is in charge then, and you’ll see you both ending the relationship.

    It may be time for leaving the relationship where healing after a breakup is your next phase if you simply can not reconnect and heal within your hearts.

    (I also suggest searching the web for further content that dives into the idea of getting back with your ex, if that may be in the cards, and sure ways to rekindle a relationship.)

    To success in life and love!

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    Source by James Nussbaumer

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