Global Digital Store – Ebooks and Softwares

Tag: Married

  • Why Do You Need an Attorney for Marital Arrangements and Settlements?

    [ad_1]

    It is very unfortunate, when you are on the verge to sign a divorce agreement. But in spite of the emotional breakdown, you have to be caution before signing any agreement of settlement framed by the attorney of your spouse. If you do not agree with the settlements mentioned in the drafts, do not sign, rather look forward to hire a prolific divorce lawyer who is famous in handling most critical divorce cases.

    What are the qualities your attorney must have?

    Before hiring a divorce attorney to defend you for the case make sure that the legal professional and qualified enough to handle such critical case. Hence, it is recommended to hire a lawyer from a known countenance.

    If you have to appoint the legal practitioner without any reference, go through the website of the expert. Check the testimonials and the area of expertise. Moreover, check the reviews of the lawyer and how many successful marital agreement and settlement cases he/she has handled? Checking the license of the lawyer is also suggested.

    If you want to stay confident about all the mentioned pointers, consult a reputed attorney or a well-known solicitor firm that has the strong background of defending marital separation and settlement cases.

    Hire an attorney to write the agreement

    Often the departing married couples decide their own terms and depending on that they try to write their own agreements. But it is strongly recommended that even for a mutual agreement settlement you should afford a lawyer. These legal masterminds have the expertise to draft the lines with the legal twist that covers everything that have been decided among the divorcing couples. Often the self-drafted papers look vague and unclear. Moreover, the opponent can take advantage of the unclear data and blackmail the other spouse in future. This can also call for another case. Hence, to stay away from all such anticipated debaucheries, it is better to hire a lawyer and get him/her write the agreement.

    Handling the agreement of child custody

    The children of the separating parents have to go through several traumas and troublesome time. Therefore, lawyers of both the parties and the court are compassionate about such separation cases. Usually, the children are handed over to that parent who is more responsible and economically stable to take care of the kids. Some unfortunate cases have also witnessed where both the parents are not interested to take their children. During this critical situation, the court takes care of the kids and they are handed over to homes. But if your case is different and you want to fight for your kids, you need to hire an experienced lawyer that can ensure that the children will be will you.

    Therefore, before signing the agreement of the custody let your Attorney read the drafts thoroughly so that you may not be misguided or cheated by the opponent about the custody of your kids.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Garfield Langmuir Logan

    Views: 0

  • Why Men Won’t Marry And Go Their Own Way

    [ad_1]

    I am fascinated by the number of women who complain that there are not any good men out there for marriage and the number of men who go their own way (MGTOW).

    As I was doing research for one of my books, I learned something absolutely astonishing. I learned that both men and woman are more educated in the area of preparation for an occupation that we are to successfully choose and marry a mate for the next forty years. Why is this important? Many people who get into relationships and get married haven’t an accurate idea what they are getting themselves into. They are not educationally equipped with the tools that they need to have a healthy relationship. Even worse, due to the emasculation of men and manhood displayed in media, the court system, films, Human Resource policies, etc., there is no benefit to men for being men.

    More now than ever, schools and colleges are feminine-centric. The Judeo-Christian model of marriage where the roles of traditional marriage are not equal is frowned upon by the feminist movement. That said, how can a man see marriage in today’s society as a benefit? Most times he is not fully appreciated for all that he does. He is expected to work his whole life for his family and suddenly his wife decides to leave, causing him to lose all that he has invested in and worked for?

    Women are taught that they need to have high standards for the man they are supposed to marry. However, are they emotionally ready for marriage? It is clear that both men and women are not likely to have read a good relationship or communication book to prepare themselves for a healthy relationship. Men often complain how women can sometimes be “drama queens,” are selfish and want to be the center of attention. Some men also report that women are not steeped in bringing much to the table beside the sexual relationship which women tend to use to manipulate men. Men like companionship and women who like to share their time doing the things men like to do. Men love to be respected. They like women they can trust, are considerate but often say that they find these things lacking.

    Men who go their own way do not have to bear the risk of being decimated, financially, emotionally and physically. They can live a more peaceful, drama free life. They often will date, but will not marry again. Men want a relationship, but many men and women are unprepared. So how can this dynamic be improved?

    I believe that educating ourselves as to what a healthy relationship is supposed to be is critically important. Statistics reveal that the total percentage of college graduates that will not read another book after graduating college is 42%. For High School graduates it is 33%.

    Education is essential concerning relationships. Imagine what a difference it would make if 1/3 of our formal education included relationship skills? I submit that the result would be couples better prepared for relationships. That said, reading and practicing what is learned, would improve not only the quality but the longevity of a relationship. Realizing that “being” the right person who is prepared for a relationship versus “finding” the right person could change the dynamic of the lack of available marriage eligible men and women.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Johnn Williams Jr.

    Views: 0

  • Why Not Have A Happy Marriage While Avoiding The Crash Of A Divorce?

    [ad_1]

    It is very important to find both present moment joy and pleasure about happy and successful married life and your future.

    Happiness is of the keys to a successful marriage and is the fuel for a significant life, and without it we can not appear to get the life we want.

    Ways to find happiness and to have a successful marriage is not always a simple solution, and yet you have to be conscious of it.

    You must concentrate on the things that you have in order to find that you both have a happy married life.

    Many folks prefer to dwell on the important things that they do not have and even pine over them.

    When people can not find happiness in their own life they do not know the best ways to grow and discover into happy married life.

    How to possess the keys to a successful marriage means the aspect that you already have actually found happiness in your own life.

    In regular times, individuals understand exactly what they are blessed with.

    Others, who just merely crave exactly whatever they see and want it severely and obsessively, are never pleased for their worldly belongings can not fill the empty void inside of them.

    The best ways to discover happiness in a marriage starts with everybody finding happiness with God.

    When mood swings are in the air and lift you up assisting you to forget concerns, God will help you through your state of mind.

    Happiness is the normal state of grace for mankind.

    Take a look at a little child taking its first steps with a proud smile and you will realize that state of grace I’m speaking of.

    The little child does not want anything in return, it is genuinely pleased.

    For the next few days hang around looking for your pure instants of joy.

    Each instant in your life kept filled with enjoyment will help you to keep happiness and joy in your marriage.

    Please count the moments of joy that you have felt. How to find happiness in a marriage is by your mindset.

    Being truly happy is everything!

    Previously I discussed free available information on saving the marriage today by staying happy in such an often conflicting world.

    True happiness is a mindset of observing the excellence of grace within you constantly flowing your way.

    We need to understand how to keep from sinking far too low while we journey through this world.

    The trick to finding joy in our own lives and of our marital relationship is to get into the habit of searching for advantages, rather of griping all the time about whatever that has failed.

    Pleasure offers us a sensation of power and energy.

    Delight means being excited about now and about the future.

    I always thought that to discover actually JOY in your life that you need to follow these simple fundamental guidelines.

    You need to put your inner divine Self first in your life, something Jesus and so many other masters were here to teach us.

    Jesus has channeled to us through the Course in Miracles that, “My holy brother, I would enter into all relationships, and step between you and your fantasies. Let my relationship to you be real to you, and let me bring reality to your perception of your brothers.”

    Always put others upfront in your life, and have a caring attitude toward the world in general.

    That has always been my mantra, so to speak, for a better more fulfilled happy life and a happy married life.

    You must focus on the things that you have within you and learn to reflect that abundance and joy to the material world, in order to find happiness in your marital relationship, too.

    Be sure to extend your inner bliss.

    Remember, when you have no inner bliss being projected to your life in this world, you can not ever realize how to find happiness in a marriage.

    How to discover happiness in a marriage stems from the element that you already have discovered joy in your own life.

    On the other hand, a once happy married life for some folks turns into to an ugly matter of the divorce.

    (Please also note, I suggest seeking out the web for more helpful material on things like, how coping with divorce may need to be addressed, and if so, learning to redirect the mental power of our errors into positive results.)

    To success in love and life!

    [ad_2]

    Source by James Nussbaumer

    Views: 0

  • When Your Husband Leaves You Without Any Warning

    [ad_1]

    I often get correspondence from wives who are now living alone but who never saw this coming. Generally, they will come home from work or from running errands one day and find that their husband has left them. Or, the husband will abruptly pack his bags and announce that the marriage is no longer working for him and he thinks that he might “want out.” However this plays out, often the wife will tell me that she had no real warning and that this was very much an abrupt and unwelcome surprise.

    I often hear things like “I can’t believe he left me. I never really saw this coming. I knew we had issues, but every married couple has issues. I just can’t believe that he would leave me without ever trying to work things out. And, I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want a divorce. I want him to come back home, but I’m so angry that he didn’t try to approach me first that I don’t even know how to approach him. What should I do?”

    The answer to this question is going to depend upon the circumstances and the people involved. But, it will often help to deal directly with the real situation that is in front of you, rather than trying to deal with the situation that you envision or hope exists. I will discuss this more in the following article.

    Don’t Focus Only On The Fact That You Had No Warning When He Left. Focus On What To Do Now And Where To Go From Here: It’s completely normal to be floored by the fact that one morning you woke up with a husband living at home, but by evening you were alone without any warning. This is an abrupt blow that can be devastating. But, because it can be important to act quickly, you will often have to make a conscious decision not to focus on the way in which this happened.

    Yes, your husband could most certainly have handled this in a different and preferable way, but neither of you can change that now. There’s a real risk in allowing your reaction to how he handled this to interfere with how you act toward him in the present. It can really help to ask yourself what your ultimate goal is in this situation. Some women will just want to handle themselves with dignity and grace while coping and moving on in the best way that they know how.

    Others will decide that their primary goal is to get their husband to come back home as quickly as possible. Often, what will help with one of these goals will also help with the other. No matter what you decide that you ultimately want, it’s my experience that you will often have an easier time getting it if you focus on what is right in front of you rather than the manner in which it happened. Yes, being blindsided is very painful and shocking, but it can hurt rather than help the situation to dwell on this rather than taking action.

    Evaluating What Is Going To Most Improve Your Situation: Once you’ve decided where you want to go from here, it’s important to step back and to try to take the emotion out of it to come up with the strategy that is most likely to get you what you want. It’s so easy to lash out, feel resentful, and to feel sorry for yourself. But these things usually won’t get you any closer to what you want. In fact, allowing your feelings to run your actions will often keep you from getting what you want.

    Debating with your husband, arguing with him, or lashing out will often push him even further away and just make you more upset with your situation. It’s usually better, at least in my experience and observation, to try as best as you can to limit yourself to the actions that strengthen you and allow you to feel in control rather than to surrender to those feelings or actions that are natural (and may relieve some tension) but which will only make the situation worse.

    It’s usually when you can somewhat rise above this and handle yourself with strength and calm that you will often begin to gain some ground. I absolutely know that this can be difficult. Sometimes, you might need to wait to interact with your husband until you can actually be calm. This may not be possible in the very beginning. But it can really help to always keep in mind your ultimate goal so that you don’t lose control of your strategy.

    Interacting With Your Husband During This Difficult Situation: It’s probably fair to say that there will come a time when you will need to communicate with your husband about where your marriage is going from here. Whether it’s fair or not, your husband has sent a clear message by leaving. Now, it’s up to you as to how you are going to reply to that message. But, before you do, define how you ultimately want for this to turn out. If you could put aside the shock, the hurt, and the fear, what is your greatest wish right now? The answer to this question is what you must place your focus upon.

    Because I would argue that no matter what your ultimate goal is, you’ll usually get closer to it by trying to interact with him in a positive way. Even if you are ultimately going to end the marriage, this was an important relationship in your life and it will likely help you going forward if you can keep this as positive as you can. If you want to save the marriage, improving your relationship and communications going forward will go a long way toward helping you to eventually save your marriage.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your husband that although you’re devastated that he would leave you without warning, you would like to interact with him in a positive way going forward. Since the two of you were once the most important people in one another’s lives (and may well still be) it just doesn’t make sense to allow for one negative action to turn into something that is even worse. He may not be all that receptive to this at first, but when he sees that you’re not reacting as he anticipated and are working with him rather than against him, you will sometimes be able to slowly rebuild with time. This is often true even if you are not 100% sure how you want to approach him right now.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Leslie Cane

    Views: 0

  • The Husband and Wife Relationship – Understand the Dynamics

    [ad_1]

    The relationship between a husband and wife are usually complex, and many married couples do not understand the dynamics of the relationship they are in this is the cause of many failing relationships. For a really strong marriage they both need to understand how the dynamics of a husband and wife relationship works. The key to the question of dynamics is to appreciate just how men and woman are poles apart not only physically but more importantly emotionally and mentally.

    These differences are best illustrated when you consider the way a husband and wife relationship approaches the matter of problem solving, which shows how they approach problems in completely different ways

    The wife will typically talk about the problem with friends and family alike, explore different angles for a solution then combine that research with input from her group of family and friends. This may take some time because women in general like to discuss various solutions and how they feel and relate to the problem, before deciding on any one answer.

    The husband on the other hand is more likely tom be a solitary thinker and by virtue of that will be unlikely to discuss the problem with anyone till he has decided on the solution to the problem.

    In the husband and wife relationship, problems can be caused by their opposite approach to problem solving, the husband could think that she is taking the problem lightly by talking too much to her friends and family when in his opinion she should be thinking rather than talking about the solution. Conversely the wife may be concerned that he is not addressing their problems because he is not talking about it, when in reality the reason he is not talking about it is that it is constantly on his mind but he has not yet come up with an answer to discuss.

    Some of the time a wife can talk about a problem she may have, simply to vent her feelings about a certain matter, to lessen the tension they feel rather than to get an opinion on how to solve the issue. In that way she express her thoughts in front of her friends who in the main will empathize with her while not necessarily offering their opinion as to the solution. Men on the other hand rarely talks about a problem unless he wants advice or help to reach a solution to the problem

    The danger is in this situation is that a husband might give his wife his considered opinion as to the solution to a problem, thinking that he is solving things in the way he thinks he is expected to, while his wife is thinking that he does want to listen to the problem and just giving an answer to put an end to the matter.

    Though not totally accurate the above example illustrates how the usual differences between men’s and women’s approach to problem solving work out. Understanding they way in which the different genders react can help to stop arguments about the way things are done, consider your partners needs before you act.

    The Husband and wife relationship understand the dynamics and you will builder a stronger and longer lasting relationship.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Tom Janic

    Views: 0

  • Marital Discord in Astrology

    [ad_1]

    People normally say that a marriage has been settled in haven and is performed at the earth. It is seen that a married person is leading a very peaceful, prosper and comfortable life, but many are such who are weeping over married life and consequent upon this tension. All these are because of mismatch and adverse compatibility.

    Marital discord is a universal problem all over the world. The reasons can be many including the economical, lack of physical and psychological compatibility, extra-marital relationships, aggressive attitudes, selfish nature, over ambitions etc.

    Astrology can accurately reveal the ins and outs of human life, and therefore, can advice beneficially. Definitely, it has immense value, for astrology can give true guidance and advice regarding one’s marriage.

     

    Basic Factors Responsible for Marital Discord

     

    ·       Strength of ascendant

     

    ·       Moon—revels the desires of human mind

     

    ·       Venus—revels sexual appetite, love, desire, and happiness

     

    ·       Mars—assists in strengthening the sexual instincts in the ease of marriage or to help to establish sexual relationship.

     

    ·       Jupiter—significator of husbands for women

     

    ·       Sun/Saturn/Rahu— fiery, separative in nature

     

    ·       2nd house—denotes family

     

    ·       5th house — love affairs and marriage following intercourse

     

    ·       7th house— stands for love and matrimony,

     

    Wife/husband/law suits, partnerships.

     

     Different Combination for Marital Discord

    ·       Weakness of 2nd /7th houses because of planets present in the house or the lords of house are

     

    1.   Malefic in nature

     

    2.   Inauspicious placement of lords

     

    3.   Combust

     

    4.   Debilitated

     

    5.   Are in infancy or old -age state

     

    6.   Afflicted by functional malefic nodes [Rahu/Ketu]

     

    7.   Sandwiched between malefic planets

     

    ·       2nd /7th houses or their lords afflicted by the separative planet like Sun/Saturn/Rahu.

     

    ·       6/8 placement of 1st/7th lords—separation/divorce/break of agreement.

     

    ·       If lords of 1st/ 7th/2nd and Venus are occupying unfavourable houses/combust/debilitated/in enemy sign misfortune will happen after marriage.

     

    ·       Venus and Mercury in 7th house make a person of loose morals and drag to have extra marital relations.

     

    ·       Mars when debilitated and forming relationship with 1st/7th houses or their lords, make the person aggressive and ill tempered.

     

    ·       Node or Rahu/Ketu joining closely Mars makes native/spouse stray and that becomes the reasons for the discord.

     

    ·       The ascendant/Moon of husband/wife in inimical signs sows the seeds of inharmonious relations.

     

    ·       Afflicted or weak Jupiter shows selfish nature of married partner.

     

    ·       6/8 placement of Venus and Moon denotes disputes in love and marriage.

     

    ·       Aspect of at least two retrograde planets on 1st/7th houses/lords.

     

    ·       Saturn and Rahu/Mars and Rahu/Sun and Mars combinations afflicts 1st/7th denotes disputes and discords.

     

    ·       8th/12th lords occupy 3rd house, and 7th house with nods/malefic planets, divorce or separation takes place. 

    [ad_2]

    Source by Geeta Jha

    Views: 0

  • Wrong Reasons For Getting Married – (1) Marrying Out of Sympathy

    [ad_1]

    There are right and wrong reasons for getting married. The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong reason. There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry. One of the wrong reasons and perhaps among the most prominent of the wrong reasons is marrying out of sympathy.

    There are many scenarios under this subheading of marrying out of sympathy that relationship coaches experience in the course of counseling and coaching. Some of the most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex and getting married to a person just because one’s brother or sister jilted that person. Between these two extremes, are those who start relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve. Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbors who are being maltreated. Women fall into this kind of challenge too.

    When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful emotion. It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc. If the man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her attitudes, desires and mindset. He does not stop to find out what life purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into his own desires. If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young man, he would remain loyal to her forever.

    Findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking. If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he or she will do what all captives do, “flee”. Fleeing here may not mean running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the environment. In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as saviors and lordships. This is usually resisted, first psychologically and later verbally. And there goes your peace and comfort.

    Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other. Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would not be allowed into. Once these secret feelings are there, it produces reactive communication instead of responsive communication.

    These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship. This arises from the fact that as the usual challenges appear in the scene, instead of the woman finding a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the pregnancy. Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there is no way they would end up with the man they are married to. Instead of seeing the usual marriage and child rearing challenges as learning opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way. Some blame the child that resulted from the pregnancy. Hatred for a child has been known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.

    For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually overwhelmed. They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes. They now live the rest of their lives in regret, withdrawal or wickedness or under the influence of these three negative but powerful emotions.

    It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for joyful relationship. If while in a relationship with the opposite sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you, then there is no other reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.

    Interestingly, many marriages out there are based on sympathy.

    Young single adults (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face or to save somebody from suffering. Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no sexual intimacy is included. There is need to remember that sexual intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage contract. You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy is mainly for procreation and to cement companionship.

    The excitement and pleasure that accompany sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it. Any other use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of the law. And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law. In most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external court to try you and no external prison to sentence you. But there are internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland where your hard labor would be performed if you commit this offense.

    What is the way to go?

    Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on sympathy, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation. Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelled out, though. Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”. These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone. Both parties ought to know and understand this fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Francis Nmeribe

    Views: 0

  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

    [ad_1]

    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Mandy Peterson

    Views: 0

  • My Husband Left Because He Needs Space – But I Love Him and Want Him to Come Home, What Should I Do?

    [ad_1]

    I recently heard from a wife who was quite lonely and devastated. Last week, her husband had decided that he “needed some space,” and he packed his bags and left the home. He had called a few times during his absence, but he wouldn’t give the wife any specifics about how long he expected to be gone and when (or if) he was coming back. The wife regretted how they had left things. They had argued and she had said some things that she definitely didn’t mean while the husband had said some heartless things to her as well.

    So, she had no idea where she stood or where the marriage was headed. And, even though she was angry at the husband for leaving her and for the things that she said, she knew that she still loved him and she wanted for him to come home as soon as possible. She did not want for this one impulsive event to mean the end of her marriage. But she didn’t know how to change the path that they seemed to be on. And, every time she tried to broach this subject with her husband and express her feelings to him, he became flustered and abruptly ended the conversation.

    So, it was clear to the wife that the topic was, at least for now, off limits. And, this left her confused as what she should do. She worried that if she just dropped the topic and backed off altogether, then her husband might just continue to drift away and not come home. But, she didn’t want to continue to push him further away.

    Actually, from my own experience and research, I believe that there is a happy medium here and a tactic that usually brings about the best outcome for everyone concerned. It would also allow for the wife to keep her self respect intact and to emerge in a position of strength rather than one of weakness.

    Even Though You Want Him Home, Try Not To Come On Too Strongly: Obviously, if the wife had her way, the husband would come home full of love and apologies that very evening. But, it was pretty clear that this wasn’t likely. The husband had been calling less and less and seemed more and more annoyed. Believe it or not, you will usually get better results and a better response from him if you let him come to you rather than pushing yourself onto him when he is not receptive to this.

    When I tell women this they will often respond with something like: “well, if I wait for him to pursue me or to come around, I may be waiting around forever. I can’t risk it. What if the saying ‘out of sight out of mind’ is true? What if I give him this space and he doesn’t ever come back to me?”

    Here’s what you might want to consider. He has already left. You can not turn back time and keep this from happening. But, what you can control is how you react right now. You can control how you present yourself right now and this is likely going to influence his perceptions of what he really wants. And, his perceptions aren’t likely to be good if you push when he’s not receptive or focus on the negative and how miserable you are without him.

    A desperate woman who is nagging, debating, or falling apart is not likely to be perceived as attractive. I don’t mean to be cruel about this, but my conversations with men who visit my blog indicate to me that, unfortunately, this is just the way that it is.

    Presenting Yourself As The Woman That You Know He Really Wants: Many women in this situation tell me that they feel like they are no longer who or what their husband wants. You mustn’t think this way. Here’s what you have likely forgotten. He has already chosen you once. You’ve already proven that you have the attributes that he values the most. He was already so crazy about you that he married you.

    Yes, things have started to go wrong and your life might be off track. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t fix it. You know what he loves about you. Make sure he sees these things without your having to over reach for them. Wait until he is more receptive and then give him small doses of who you know he loves very much. Always keep things light hearted and allow for him to see the woman that he has been missing.

    Even if you feel frightened, unsure, and insecure, save these emotions for trusted girlfriends and family members because it is so important that you try to keep all of the perceptions as positive as you can right now. Make sure that he thinks you aren’t moping around the house praying for his return. Give the impression that you’re confident that if you can gradually improve things, he will come back willingly because you are meant to be together. If you can pull this off, you’ll often find that he’s becoming more and more receptive to you and to the idea of coming home.

    [ad_2]

    Source by Leslie Cane

    Views: 0

  • Dousing the Flames of Marital Conflict

    [ad_1]

    Conflicts in marriage are endemic. Because this is a union of two distinct individuals each with his or her own likes, dislikes, prejudices and pet peeves, conflicts are built into the marriage packet. As the famous evangelist Billy Graham once said, “For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in ‘happily-ever-after’ fairy tales. ‘Happily incompatible’ is a good adjustment.”

    No human relationship can exist in a permanent state of happiness, and conflicts need not be viewed as a sign of instability or impending rupture of marriage. Couples need to master the art of quarreling constructively and resolving all conflicts positively. A mature approach will increase understanding and trust, and strengthen their relationship. However this depends on their level of commitment to each other.

    Areas of conflict:

    o Finance: In this consumer-oriented society of today, money or the lack of it can lead to conflict. Spouses have different spending habits. Overspending or unnecessary spending by one partner can upset the family budget, leaving less money for essentials. Entertainment, alcohol, consumer goods can eat into one’s pocket. Similarly miserliness will also trigger conflict.

    o When the needs, wants and desires of one partner are not met, there is a tendency to be irritable or argumentative over trifles.

    o Domination: When one partner is excluded from the decisions that affect them both, friction is bound to arise. Similarly, procrastination by one partner on issues that need urgent decisions can be annoying.

    o In-laws: Too much interference or over dependence of in-laws can become a bone of contention. Unfair references and comparisons lead to quarrels.

    o Children: Different styles of parenting or lack of proper parenting skills can result in heated arguments.

    o Sex: Husbands and wives have exclusive conjugal rights over their partners. Depriving a spouse of normal sexual activity creates tension in the relationship.

    o Working wives: Some women with high tech jobs may not have quality time to spend with husband and children. Stress, fatigue or overwork can sap them of strength and put them in an irritable frame of mind.

    o Habits: Drinking, smoking, gambling or drug taking are frequent causes of conflict.

    o Social activities. Time consuming parties or games leave very little time to spend with each other.

    o Physical and emotional abuse.

    o Self-centeredness.

    o Secrecy: Keeping important secrets from each other is a breach of trust.

    o Infidelity.

    The mark of a good marriage is not the absence of conflict, but how each partner deals with the problem. Conflict is like an ember with the potential to spark into a flame, and if not doused in time, can blaze into a conflagration. The foremost thing to remember is that it is not a battle between enemies. It is just a disagreement between spouses who have promised to love and cherish each other till the end of their lives.

    “Many marriages would be better if both husband and wife realize that they are on the same side,” says Zig Ziglar.

    The aim must be to diffuse the situation by proper resolution, so that it does not crop up again and again.

    There are two options available.

    1.The Negative Approach which will generate hostility.

    2.The Positive Approach which will make the bonds of marriage stronger.

    Negative Approach:

    – One partner personalizes the problem and treats it as an attack. Women are more prone to this approach. They withdraw into themselves and wallow in self pity. Withdrawal may be physical, sexual or emotional. Breach of communication follows. This is a dangerous trend. A trivial problem festers in the mind until it assumes gigantic proportions.

    – Angry reactions like yelling, crying, abuse, sarcasm, insults or even violence are disastrous. The idea obviously is to hurt the other person while defending one’s self in the blame game.

    As Broderick said, “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get at its cause and cure are committing marital suicide.”

    Positive Approach:

    1. Couples should never communicate when angry. They should first think things over calmly by themselves and then discuss the issue. Privacy is important. Discussions should not take place in the presence of their children or relatives, but in a quiet place where there will be no interruptions. They must bear in mind at all times that they are allies and not adversaries. There must be eye contact throughout the discussion. Respect for each other’s feelings is important. So the tone of voice and body language must be appropriate. Listening carefully to the other’s point of view is showing respect. Questions and clarifications are in order. It is also a time to share one’s genuine hurts and frustrations. Generalizations like ‘You always find fault’ or ‘You never listen’ are not helpful.

    2. The core issue must be tackled. It is important to define and discuss only the problem that started the conflict. Is the problem repetitive? Is there a recurring pattern? If so, why has the problem not been resolved before? There should be no deviation into unrelated issues. Old problems must not be dredged up and recycled to score a point.

    3. Finance can be a contentious subject. Bad financial habits must be mended. Budgeting one’s income is important. If expenses go beyond the budgeted amount, there should be a discussion on how best to make good the deficit. Honest conversations about purchases, savings and overspending will help. It might require lowering one’s standard of living or finding other ways of income generation.

    4. Sex is an important aspect of marriage. Withholding sex by one partner as a means of punishing the other, is hurtful. Sex enhances intimacy and reconciliation.

    5. Spouses must take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They should be willing to change their behaviour if necessary. Owning up faults and admitting their weaknesses will diffuse tension. Sometimes it may even be necessary to give into the partner’s wishes, even though not fully agreeable. It is important to focus on what is right and not on who is right. Compromise is by no means weakness. It reflects strength and helps resolve the problem permanently.

    6. Forgiveness is the most important salve that will heal the hurt of conflict. Couples should be generous in forgiving each other’s faults. It may not be easy, but it is always better to get it over with and move on.

    Conflicts in marriage are inevitable. Fault finding and negativity can destroy and tear apart relationships. ‘Let not the sun go down upon your wrath,’ advises Scripture. With proper communication, tolerance and commitment, most conflicts can be resolved.

    As Alexander Perry said, “The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.”

    [ad_2]

    Source by Eva Bell

    Views: 0