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Tag: Intimacy

  • Wrong Reasons For Getting Married – (1) Marrying Out of Sympathy

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    There are right and wrong reasons for getting married. The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong reason. There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry. One of the wrong reasons and perhaps among the most prominent of the wrong reasons is marrying out of sympathy.

    There are many scenarios under this subheading of marrying out of sympathy that relationship coaches experience in the course of counseling and coaching. Some of the most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex and getting married to a person just because one’s brother or sister jilted that person. Between these two extremes, are those who start relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve. Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbors who are being maltreated. Women fall into this kind of challenge too.

    When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful emotion. It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc. If the man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her attitudes, desires and mindset. He does not stop to find out what life purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into his own desires. If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young man, he would remain loyal to her forever.

    Findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking. If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he or she will do what all captives do, “flee”. Fleeing here may not mean running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the environment. In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as saviors and lordships. This is usually resisted, first psychologically and later verbally. And there goes your peace and comfort.

    Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other. Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would not be allowed into. Once these secret feelings are there, it produces reactive communication instead of responsive communication.

    These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship. This arises from the fact that as the usual challenges appear in the scene, instead of the woman finding a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the pregnancy. Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there is no way they would end up with the man they are married to. Instead of seeing the usual marriage and child rearing challenges as learning opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way. Some blame the child that resulted from the pregnancy. Hatred for a child has been known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.

    For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually overwhelmed. They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes. They now live the rest of their lives in regret, withdrawal or wickedness or under the influence of these three negative but powerful emotions.

    It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for joyful relationship. If while in a relationship with the opposite sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you, then there is no other reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.

    Interestingly, many marriages out there are based on sympathy.

    Young single adults (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face or to save somebody from suffering. Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no sexual intimacy is included. There is need to remember that sexual intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage contract. You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy is mainly for procreation and to cement companionship.

    The excitement and pleasure that accompany sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it. Any other use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of the law. And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law. In most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external court to try you and no external prison to sentence you. But there are internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland where your hard labor would be performed if you commit this offense.

    What is the way to go?

    Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on sympathy, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation. Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelled out, though. Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”. These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone. Both parties ought to know and understand this fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

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    Source by Francis Nmeribe

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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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  • Can A Spouse Have An Emotion-Based Revenge Affair And Not Realize It?

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    I get a decent amount of correspondence about revenge after an affair. Sometimes, the faithful spouse wants to (or is considering) doing something to get revenge. Other times, they are feeling the urge to want revenge but they are trying desperately to resist that urge because they know that it is not really going to help anything.

    Other times, I hear from the cheating spouse who is scared of revenge or who thinks that they might be seeing vengeful behavior (even if their spouse denies this.) Here is an example. A husband might say: “I really can not effectively tell you how sorry I am that I cheated on my wife. I really don’t know what I was thinking. And in fact I probably wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I believe that my children are the only reason that my wife did not leave me. But although she’s still here, at times she looks at me with pure hatred. Her opinion of me has obviously changed. Where she used to respect me, now she acts as if I have low morals and am just a jerk. She doesn’t really listen when I talk and half the time she rolls her eyes at me and doesn’t even try to engage me with conversation. For the past three weeks, she has been spending a lot of time with a male coworker. I didn’t say anything at first because she gets mad at me so easily. Plus I thought it would hypocritical of me to insinuate that I don’t want her to have male friends when I am the one who had an affair. But last night we were spending time with our kids and the guy called. So I lost patience and asked her about it. She said that it was her job to train the guy at work and that they had become ‘close.’ She says he makes her laugh and feel good in a way she hasn’t for a long time. I got flustered and asked her if she thought that the relationship had crossed a line and had become an emotional affair. She got very angry. She said that the last thing she would do is start up an affair considering how my affair pretty much ruined our lives. She said that she was not that stupid. But now I’m wondering if perhaps she’s started an emotional affair for revenge without even knowing it. Is that possible?”

    Anything is possible. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that there is a vulnerability there. Being cheated on makes you doubt yourself. It makes you wonder if anyone will ever find you attractive again. It makes you wonder if everyone is going to see you as damaged. So when a man show interest in you, allows you to confide in him, and boosts your confidence, this can feel like a relief. It can feel as if it’s just what the doctor ordered. And if your spouse gets jealous and insecure, well, perhaps he deserves it.

    At the same time, I am only speaking for myself when I say that although I would have welcomed any attention, I would have never made my situation worse by actually cheating. Our family life was so broken at the time that there was no way that I was going to add to my problems by adding another infidelity into the mix. I was not in any state to be in any sort of romantic relationship.

    I’m not saying that this is how your wife feels. I can’t possibly know that. However, I also can tell you that plenty of women have men friends at work, with there being nothing inappropriate about it. Adults are capable of having friends of the opposite sex without cheating. So your wife having a relationship with a male coworker doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anything to worry about.

    Rather than accuse your wife of something that might not be true and making her feel defensive, I would place my focus on your marriage and your relationship with her rather than placing your focus on her relationship with him. Because if you can work through the issues and strengthen your marriage, then you will have more confidence that you have nothing to worry about. And your wife won’t have the need to get her emotional needs met elsewhere.

    She may not even be consciously trying to do anything inappropriate. She may just be finding relief in having someone to interact with. And it may be nothing to worry about. But, if it gives you a bad feeling, there is nothing wrong with trying to bump up your attempts to improve your marriage and to strengthen your intimacy as quickly as you can. The sooner she is getting her emotional needs met by you, the sooner she will no longer need to get it from someone else, assuming that’s what is happening right now. That said, it’s possible that you are very sensitive about something that is innocent due to the affair.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

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  • Dousing the Flames of Marital Conflict

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    Conflicts in marriage are endemic. Because this is a union of two distinct individuals each with his or her own likes, dislikes, prejudices and pet peeves, conflicts are built into the marriage packet. As the famous evangelist Billy Graham once said, “For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in ‘happily-ever-after’ fairy tales. ‘Happily incompatible’ is a good adjustment.”

    No human relationship can exist in a permanent state of happiness, and conflicts need not be viewed as a sign of instability or impending rupture of marriage. Couples need to master the art of quarreling constructively and resolving all conflicts positively. A mature approach will increase understanding and trust, and strengthen their relationship. However this depends on their level of commitment to each other.

    Areas of conflict:

    o Finance: In this consumer-oriented society of today, money or the lack of it can lead to conflict. Spouses have different spending habits. Overspending or unnecessary spending by one partner can upset the family budget, leaving less money for essentials. Entertainment, alcohol, consumer goods can eat into one’s pocket. Similarly miserliness will also trigger conflict.

    o When the needs, wants and desires of one partner are not met, there is a tendency to be irritable or argumentative over trifles.

    o Domination: When one partner is excluded from the decisions that affect them both, friction is bound to arise. Similarly, procrastination by one partner on issues that need urgent decisions can be annoying.

    o In-laws: Too much interference or over dependence of in-laws can become a bone of contention. Unfair references and comparisons lead to quarrels.

    o Children: Different styles of parenting or lack of proper parenting skills can result in heated arguments.

    o Sex: Husbands and wives have exclusive conjugal rights over their partners. Depriving a spouse of normal sexual activity creates tension in the relationship.

    o Working wives: Some women with high tech jobs may not have quality time to spend with husband and children. Stress, fatigue or overwork can sap them of strength and put them in an irritable frame of mind.

    o Habits: Drinking, smoking, gambling or drug taking are frequent causes of conflict.

    o Social activities. Time consuming parties or games leave very little time to spend with each other.

    o Physical and emotional abuse.

    o Self-centeredness.

    o Secrecy: Keeping important secrets from each other is a breach of trust.

    o Infidelity.

    The mark of a good marriage is not the absence of conflict, but how each partner deals with the problem. Conflict is like an ember with the potential to spark into a flame, and if not doused in time, can blaze into a conflagration. The foremost thing to remember is that it is not a battle between enemies. It is just a disagreement between spouses who have promised to love and cherish each other till the end of their lives.

    “Many marriages would be better if both husband and wife realize that they are on the same side,” says Zig Ziglar.

    The aim must be to diffuse the situation by proper resolution, so that it does not crop up again and again.

    There are two options available.

    1.The Negative Approach which will generate hostility.

    2.The Positive Approach which will make the bonds of marriage stronger.

    Negative Approach:

    – One partner personalizes the problem and treats it as an attack. Women are more prone to this approach. They withdraw into themselves and wallow in self pity. Withdrawal may be physical, sexual or emotional. Breach of communication follows. This is a dangerous trend. A trivial problem festers in the mind until it assumes gigantic proportions.

    – Angry reactions like yelling, crying, abuse, sarcasm, insults or even violence are disastrous. The idea obviously is to hurt the other person while defending one’s self in the blame game.

    As Broderick said, “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get at its cause and cure are committing marital suicide.”

    Positive Approach:

    1. Couples should never communicate when angry. They should first think things over calmly by themselves and then discuss the issue. Privacy is important. Discussions should not take place in the presence of their children or relatives, but in a quiet place where there will be no interruptions. They must bear in mind at all times that they are allies and not adversaries. There must be eye contact throughout the discussion. Respect for each other’s feelings is important. So the tone of voice and body language must be appropriate. Listening carefully to the other’s point of view is showing respect. Questions and clarifications are in order. It is also a time to share one’s genuine hurts and frustrations. Generalizations like ‘You always find fault’ or ‘You never listen’ are not helpful.

    2. The core issue must be tackled. It is important to define and discuss only the problem that started the conflict. Is the problem repetitive? Is there a recurring pattern? If so, why has the problem not been resolved before? There should be no deviation into unrelated issues. Old problems must not be dredged up and recycled to score a point.

    3. Finance can be a contentious subject. Bad financial habits must be mended. Budgeting one’s income is important. If expenses go beyond the budgeted amount, there should be a discussion on how best to make good the deficit. Honest conversations about purchases, savings and overspending will help. It might require lowering one’s standard of living or finding other ways of income generation.

    4. Sex is an important aspect of marriage. Withholding sex by one partner as a means of punishing the other, is hurtful. Sex enhances intimacy and reconciliation.

    5. Spouses must take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They should be willing to change their behaviour if necessary. Owning up faults and admitting their weaknesses will diffuse tension. Sometimes it may even be necessary to give into the partner’s wishes, even though not fully agreeable. It is important to focus on what is right and not on who is right. Compromise is by no means weakness. It reflects strength and helps resolve the problem permanently.

    6. Forgiveness is the most important salve that will heal the hurt of conflict. Couples should be generous in forgiving each other’s faults. It may not be easy, but it is always better to get it over with and move on.

    Conflicts in marriage are inevitable. Fault finding and negativity can destroy and tear apart relationships. ‘Let not the sun go down upon your wrath,’ advises Scripture. With proper communication, tolerance and commitment, most conflicts can be resolved.

    As Alexander Perry said, “The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.”

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    Source by Eva Bell

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  • My Opinion on Sex and Love

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    Sex is not the perfect way to express your love: Rather it’s the perfect way to express love’s feelings. It’s perfect between a husband and a wife, a boy and a girl. It’s not only a physical activity, instead of it mostly a spiritual integration of two souls. It joints the spirit of the people involve. Sex is not love and love isn’t sex. Many often muddle the difference between sex and love. Most people don’t perceive that there’s a difference between them. In this note I’ll give my view on why these things are different from one another.

    Let’s start with sex. It’s something that does not often slump real feelings, real relationship or even a committed. There are few peoples who seek enjoyment from one-night stands. Often many have a ‘friend with benefits’, that’s what I would put under the sex’s category. There are never any real or deep feelings; it’s only about the enjoyment of the act. Usually when people only search to have sex, there’s very little opposite play and intimacy afterwards, the cuddling and holding of one another, well that doesn’t happen often.

    Many people are happy with having sex only for pleasure, never caring for the emotional circumstance of being in love. Often some will lope partner to partner because that’s all they’re searching that’s the instant rush and release in the sex’s pleasure. I’m one of the ones who have never been capable to do this thing. I could never jump into a one-night stand and I could never only have a “friend with benefits”. These parts are the values I’ve about lovemaking. It also, for me, means more that my friend is in love with me, and sex isn’t only about enjoyment. It’s where making love comes into play.

    When two people are in love, and who share the emotional bond with one another, they superintendence very much about making their partner feel desired and taken care of. When an individual is in love makes love to their partner, they give all their needs, not only sexually. They’ll take time by doing sex and making their lover happy. They’re careful to their partner’s every desires and needs. They get more pleasure out of tolerable them then they do themselves.

    Often times, they don’t always need to be glad while making love. Making love between couple who are in love is often intimate and slow. After lovemaking, many people that love one another will clasp and cuddle their lover like a deeper form of close affinity afterwards. It also brings the lovers together and they interconnect deeper on that soulful bond.

    Which is more essential to you in marriage?

    Love, sex or nothing…

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    Source by Sushil Chand

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  • Timing Counts In A Relationship

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    Human beings are social animals. Most of us crave the comfort and warmth of sharing life experiences and love with others. Most of us crave the intimacy of a love relationship, with shared hopes, dreams, and adventures of life.

    We want deep and loving relationships, and they are a lot of hard work to make them happen. A friend of mine said, the dream is on the other side of the hard work.

    Having the dream is worth it. That makes the hard work worth it, too.

    Part of the hard work is being realistic about timing.

    Timing matters about dealing with things within a loving relationship.

    If your partner has had a lot of external conflict or stress in the day, it is probably not the best time to bring up talking about a new challenge you are interested in. It may be time to listen, to just be together, and to nurture, rather than a time to bring up additional conversation that may be stressful.

    Timing also matters in starting a new relationship. Being in a healthy place and relationship with yourself first gives a better chance of relationship success.

    What kinds of timing issues could there be?

    1. Work Stress. If your career is at a point where it is demanding 70 or 80 hour weeks, where you are exhausted the rest of the time and your mind is full of work challenges and solutions, it's probably not the best time to try to start a new relationship . Your date may very well feel neglected and overlooked. What can you do? Make some changes in your specify if you can. Or have a conversation, let the person know you're interested and that you need a bit of time to straighten things out. Either he or she accepts that and is willing to wait a bit, or not. You've taken responsibility, and need to accept both your situation and the response.

    2. Financial Difficulties. Tough financial times are not a good time to begin a relationship. Your partner could feel used as a money resource. You could embroil your partner in your problems rather than find common interests.

    3. Recent breakup. No matter how well you broke up, you will have some loss to deal with. It's best to heal from the baggage of your loss before you try to enter into a new relationship.

    4. Recent trauma. It could be a death in the family, an illness, the loss of a job, even being in an accident or a crime victim. The best idea is to work through your emotions over the trauma before investing in a new relationship. Things are going to come up until you deal that will interrupt and strain the exploration and fun you want to have.

    5. Long Distance. Relationships are hard enough without adding long distance. In a new relationship you want to get to know one another, spend time together, and share experiences. The honeymoon phase of a new relationship is precious. Resentments may occur that wouldn't happen without the distance challenge.

    Timing in Relationships is crucial. Stresses are going to happen. If you are in a committed relationship, seeking good timing counts, for dealing with life issues.

    Setting a time together to talk can be a good idea. For a new relationship, diving in when the timing is wrong is a set-up for failure and disappointment. The goal is love and happiness. Be mindful of timing.

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    Source by Annie Collyer

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  • A Christian Love That Goes Beyond Words in Marriage

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    If there is anything that stands at the center of Christianity, it is a deep love expressed to humanity by God himself, which is in turn expressed to others by each of us who have chosen to receive that love. And yet, when it comes to many Christian marriages, this necessary expression of love is often replaced by emotional distancing and painful conflict, which leads many of us to ask, “Where’s the breakdown?”

    CRACKS IN THE MARRIAGE FOUNDATION

    The more I work with Christian couples it becomes apparent that this breakdown is tied to cracks in their marital and spiritual foundations. On the marital front, encouragement is replaced by criticism, validation is replaced by defensiveness, and listening is replaced by the need to express one’s own frustrations. Spiritually, it is often the case that these couples have neglected a pursuit of God in their daily lives, and have defaulted to simply doing things their own way relationally. Yet, they also recognize how relevant that pursuit is to them being able to love one another in the manner they desire.

    A MARITAL DEFINITION OF LOVE

    It is hard to overstate how important love is to a married couple having a strong foundation that lasts a lifetime and facilitates an unbreakable sense of intimacy and connection. Yet, how is the type of love we’re discussing defined? Here’s a definition I will often apply when counseling married couples:

    Love is choosing to be other-centered for the benefit of your spouse, so that what is important to them becomes important to you. It is unselfish and without pride, and aims to offer them the forgiveness and grace which you did not deserve, but were given anyway by God in spite of your sin.

    I realize you may be familiar with other definitions of love, however I believe this definition helps bring married couples to the point of being able to see that their Christian faith is more than a simple tradition. It is a lifestyle of discipleship in which commands such as “love your neighbor as yourself” become formative principles calling each of us to rely on the Lord to empower and guide us as we seek to cherish our significant other.

    RECLAIMING OUR PURSUIT OF THE LORD

    I’m absolutely confident that couples who pursue the Lord in their daily lives, and consistently educate themselves by studying His Word so that they can faithfully follow its instruction and wisdom, will utterly reap the benefits in their marriage. The reason is that we ultimately live out what we believe and what we focus on. Therefore, let us focus on these things so that we can experience a Christian love that goes beyond words in our marriages.

    A MARRIAGE THAT STANDS FIRM

    Let me end by encouraging you to never neglect the freedom that we have to pursue God will all our hearts, and to actually know him and his great love, so that your marriage will stand as a clear reflection of the powerful work the Lord is doing within you.

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    Source by Eric Gomez

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  • How To Make Your Rebellious Wife a Submissive Wife

    How To Make Your Rebellious Wife a Submissive Wife

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    All too frequently in the regular or secular world exist the battle and the discussion about women who ought to submit to men. Do an Internet search on “rebellious wives” or “rebellious women” and you will find this is no small concern, nor is there a shortage of opinions. There are Rebellious Magazine For Women, Rebellious Thoughts of A Woman, videos of men chastising women to submit, etc. Christians carry a greater volume of the discussion since in books of the Bible like Ephesians, Colossians, and 1 Peter clearly says that “…submit yourselves to your own husbands” (NIV).

    Even government and political issues have no protection from this culturally unsettling thought as presidential candidate Michele Bachman was asked if she is a “submissive wife” in an Iowa GOP debate.

    Well, while we are in the mood of celebrating “Fathers Day” I want to bring an answer and the solution to men and likely fathers who are being shredded emotionally by this psychological think-tank we have created around this issue. Regardless of my position as an author, speaker, and more for family legacy issues, I deliver this more from a man and father who has a willingly submissive wife. Yet my wife is a mother, career woman, independently strong, and opinionated. However there is no conflict in her submission. Why, you ask?

    The way to make rebellious wife a submissive wife is to:

    1) Be a considerate husband – Have knowledgeable and intelligent understanding of your wife. Be a student of your wife at all levels of intimacy and not just pertaining to sexuality. Give her honor which is more from your ready preparation to endure the price of deep suffering for her. This is the same price that is meant by the readiness to die protecting your wife and children.

    2) Acknowledge her as the weaker vessel – Remember that a vessel is very rarely ever interpreted as something abstract; rather there is always tangibility to the context of its use. As such the expression of weaker is clearly addressing a physical aspect of the woman or your wife, and not mental (intelligence), psychological, or emotional. Our society has abused this expression greatly.

    3) Realize your equality with your wife – This speaks of yours and your wife’s level of importance. Between the two of you there is none favored; you are absolutely equals in the essence of your relationship. So does the Bible contradict itself by repeatedly stating “wives must submit”? No, the Bible’s call is strictly based on the roles we must play as a husband and wife.

    4) Intercede on her behalf in purity – Your purity of heart, actions, and thoughts carry a great importance and is the determinant your consistency or inconsistency in attitude towards her. More importantly your purity is critical to your prayers for her and your children before God.

    If you can authentically demonstrate, personify, and exemplify these four components within the nature of your relationship to your wife, I promise you a rebellious wife will fast become a submissive wife to and for you. The truth is your wife is design to be incapable of not submitting. In honesty, she does not have a problem submitting to a man. She simply has a problem submitting to you as a man. Sadly, you are the only one she is truly designed/created to submit to. The great news…it can be fixed.

    By the way, here is the source of my wisdom:

    1 Peter 3:7 (AMP)

    In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an[c]intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]

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    Source by Ezechiel Bambolo, Jr

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  • Dealing With Relationship Stress

    Dealing With Relationship Stress

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    The start to a relationship is often high-spirited when couples tend to fall head over heels for each other. The urgency to talk and meet is so intense that time seems to fly initially. However, when the euphoria settles and one gets used to the partner, real time problems start surfacing. At times, things might get so stressful that the partners start contemplating separation. At others, the stress slowly pushes them to the brink of developing mental disorders like depression and anxiety.

    Breaking the bond is the easiest thing to do, but, the actual strength of a relationship lies in dealing with the relationship stress together, as a couple and bringing back harmony. Unfortunately, not many couples have the patience to walk through the stressful times together. Yet, one must remember that it is a choice. Either one can work as a team and emerge stronger or one may decide to deal with the stress individually and let the relationship weaken. Given below are some of the ways in which relationship stress can be handled and the development of mental disorders prevented:

    • Accepting each other as is – It is important to understand that reality is far from the rom-com movies that we watch and romantic novels that we read. Expecting your partner to be perfect all the time is not realistic. All of us are flawed. Expecting too much paves the way for intense pressure and disappointments in the long run. Thus, one must accept their partner as is and focus on their strengths.

    • Communicating constructively – When faced with problems, some couples tend to go on silent mode with long periods of no communication. This is a recipe for disaster. One must muster the courage to break the silence and address the issues that have hampered the equation. Moreover, one must express their feelings gently. Shouting and not listening to the other person’s perspective is damaging and would do nothing to rebuild the relationship.

    • De-stressing together – Couples must de-stress together. This can be achieved by going on a holiday, attending concerts, going for walks, learning some hobby together, watching movies, and indulging in any activities that both the partners enjoy. Getting intimate is also indispensable to relieve stress in a relationship. Some couples avoid intimacy when they have unresolved conflicts, however, it is important to make love as that might set you talking and help resolve the unsaid issues.

    • Avoiding blame game – It is important to understand that in a relationship, both the partners are in the same team. Pushing down the other person by constant blaming them can get tiring and destructive for the health of the relationship. In addition, it is also critical to apologize sincerely once they understand that they are at fault.

    • Keeping up social networking – Sometimes, a couple gets so obsessed with each other that they forget about their social obligations. While the option of spending all your time with each other might seem interesting at first, over time, it may bring boredom into the equation. It might also build a lot of stress and socializing might offer a vent to it. Thus, one must keep in touch with their friends and relatives and meet them as often as possible.

    • Investing on self – It is vital to be present for each other in a relationship, however, one must not forget themselves. One must, therefore, ensure that they invest some time and resources on taking care of the self also. Eating right, getting adequate sleep, indulging in some sort of physical activity, getting a massage, etc., can help build self-esteem and invigorate the spirits of an individual.

    Seeking professional help for stress

    Sometimes, despite best intentions and efforts, it gets very difficult to reach a stage of equilibrium in a relationship. In such cases, the continuous stress may lead to the development of mental disorders like depression and anxiety.

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    Source by Susan Navarez

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