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My Husband Says He Doesn’t Care If I Stay Or Leave

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I sometimes hear from wives who have been telling their husband that they are considering leaving the home or the marriage. Some are sincere about this. They are unhappy and feel that taking a break by leaving may be the best thing at the time. Others are not exactly serious about leaving. They are threatening to leave in the hopes that their husband will ask them not to (or they will at least get a reaction out of him to show that he still cares.)

Unfortunately, sometimes this backfires. The wife will announce her intention to leave and hope that her husband will try to stop her (or at the very least ask her not to leave.) Instead, her husband will tell her that he really doesn’t care if she stays or goes. This leaves her unsure of how to proceed. Does she go when she really doesn’t want to in order to save face or make a point? Or does she cave and simply tell him that she changed her mind? And what does her husband’s indifference say about the state of her marriage or her ability to save it?

She might say, “my husband and I have been fighting pretty badly for almost four months. Things are definitely not happy at home. For a while, my husband was apartment hunting and was telling me that he was going to move out, but he never actually did. Still, he complained constantly. I got tired of hearing him complain all of the time, so I told him that I was going to leave so he wouldn’t have to be so unhappy. Now, I’m going to be honest. I really hoped that he would confess that he really doesn’t want for us to live apart, which is why he hadn’t actually signed a lease or moved out yet. Instead, his exact words to me were: ‘I really don’t care if you stay or go.’ He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said that nothing really changes between us no matter what we do. Now, I am unsure about how to proceed. This hurts me. I had hoped that his not moving out meant that he was willing to save our marriage, but now he acts as if he is indifferent as to whether we live together or not. I don’t want to pack my stuff and leave, but what do I even say now? How do I avoid not having to leave my house? Do I just have to admit that I gambled and lost and that my marriage is over?”

I don’t think so. If everyone who ever threatened to leave their marriage ended up divorced, the divorce rate would be much higher than it actually is. Many couples make these sorts of threats in the heat of the moment and nothing actually comes of them. The threats are understandable. They are usually made because things are bad, but nothing is changing. So one of the spouses decides to shake things up by threatening to leave. The hope is the other spouse will beg them not to go and will have to craft a plan to make things better. Frankly, your husband might have done exactly the same thing when he threatened to leave previously. He did not make good on the threat and I don’t believe that you have to, either, especially if you really don’t want to go.

However, it goes without saying that in order for both of you to want to stay put, you’re going to need to dig in and really improve your marriage so that one or both of you do not get so frustrated that you just give up. I think it would be helpful if you could clear the air, if possible, so that you both know that no one is going anywhere immediately. Because if the living situation is up in the air, it becomes harder to commit to doing the work necessary to save your marriage. If you doubt that your spouse will stick around and work with you, there can be some uncertainty, which could hurt your progress. So you might try something like, “well, you may not care if I leave or stay, but I have decided that I care very much. I have calmed down and thought about it and, if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to leave. I said that I did because I was frustrated and didn’t know how to fix this. But I think of instead of us both getting angry and threatening to leave, we could turn our energy toward making things better between us so that no one has to go. I’d prefer not to leave and live alone. I am hopeful that if we work together, neither of us will need to live alone.”

Yes, saying this will make you feel vulnerable, may feel awkward, and requires that you are the bigger person. But it will hopefully buy you some time. After you have cleared the air, hopefully no one will need to threaten to leave in the hopes that the other will ask them not to go. Because in essence, you will have accomplished what you are both hoping for – the reassurance that with work, no one will have to leave, because no one really wants to separate.

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Source by Leslie Cane

Views: 0

July 24, 2022
7 Qualities of a Good Wife – Part I

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Whether you’re a man looking for a good wife or a wife wanting to improve yourself, your marriage or your relationship – take a look at these 7 qualities of a good wife. Good fruit will come from these basic qualities anyone can develop.

7) Nag free. Ladies, a good wife is going to be nag free. Nagging is an ineffective method of trying to get your husband to perform a task you desire. Trust me ladies – it doesn’t work and often will have the opposite of its intended affect.

6) Supportive. Are you supportive? What does it mean to be supportive? Do you belittle your man or do you help him to feel good about himself, his job, activities? Your husband will be much more respectful of you if you support him. Even when you don’t agree with him – respectfully let him know you don’t agree – then support him anyway. Otherwise, if he has difficulties – he’ll feel as though you’re adding to his troubles.

5) Build up your man. Ladies, there’s no quicker way to build resentment in your man than to criticize him – especially in front of others. On the flip side – try genuinely complementing your husband in front of other people. Your husband will glow with admiration toward you and you’ll feel his appreciation as love.

4) Keep him happy in the bedroom. Unfortunately, many women underestimate the importance of keeping her man’s needs met. Often this comes from the basic differences in women and men. For men, sexual desire is much like physical hunger and if it’s not fed properly – the relationship will struggle. Women must look to understand the needs of the man from his perspective not hers.

3) Respect. A good wife will try to treat her man with respect. How? Much of learning how to be respectful toward your husband has to do with the way you talk to him. The old phrase “It’s not so much what you say but how you say it” should become a wife’s motto. This doesn’t mean you need to be careful what you say to your husband – just be respectful in the way you say it.

2) Communicate. Ironically, good communication between men and women can be quite frustrating. However, a good wife will seek to discover what’s on her mind and find a way to express herself to her husband. Often, men and women will make a joint decision – while the man thinks she’s in agreement with him – but only to discover later that she thought the decision was a bad idea.

1) Be pleasant. Work to be pleasant toward your husband. Don’t be one of those people who makes everyone around you feel bad just because you’ve had a hard day. Good things will come from being pleasant. It’s a decision – just decide to be pleasant. But if you can’t be pleasant – make a decision not to bring him down with you.

Marriage & Love Blog

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Source by Edward Welch

Views: 0

July 24, 2022
Guilt Is a Useless Emotion

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I once read a poem in my doctor’s office that went something like this:

If a child is raised in anger, he will feel anger.

If a child is raised with guilt, he will feel guilty.

If a child is raised with shame, he will feel shame.

If a child is raised in love, he will feel love.

Of course that is not the whole poem, but you get the point. At the time, the poem was just something to read while I waited. Today the meaning is very clear to me.

There is no such thing as guilt, you can not go to the store and buy a pound or bag of guilt. It is a man made ego minded emotion this is detrimental to humans living to their full potential.

It seems to me that women carry so much guilt, whether it stems from being a woman, or the way we raised our children, or for being/or wanting to be successful, to being a sexual human. Where did it all start? Why have we continued to pass this down to each new generations? Mostly we do it subconsciously, although I know there are times when it is used for our advantage in certain situations.

Many moons ago the female Goddess energy was the ruler of the universe, it was honored and valued. Did guilt arise when we stopped tuning into that energy and were slowly overpowered by the male energy that has dominated the universe for so long? Was it because we stopped standing our ground and speaking our truth? Who knows were guilt originated. I am not saying it is a female only emotion, nor pointing fingers, my point is for this particular article only.

Guilt has kept so many stuck in the same place for years. Why? Just like the poem says, it is passed down through the stories we were told by our parents, grand parents, teachers and role models. These stories were laced with limiting beliefs that blocked us from actually achieving our full potential in life. This useless emotion became a vicious circle that many are still trying to step out of, or don’t even realize they are in.

You get a great idea that will make you lots of money. Then the guilt thinking comes in, you start to hear the old stories, you can’t make more money than your husband, men are supposed to support the family. You may even see pictures of the people telling the story. OR, even worse, you want to express your sexuality, or your sexual energy and you hear that voice saying “good girls don’t” Well guess what, good girls do, and they have been for years. Even those catholic girls in high school that swore they didn’t. They do. We are human, we don’t need to feel guilty about anything. Especially expressing our true selves.

Everyone makes mistakes in life, everyone, but we don’t have to feel guilty about it and carry it with us the rest of our lives. It is time to free ourselves of the past, to free ourselves of the guilt. It is time to forgive ourselves for allowing this to control any part of our lives.

Guilt is an emotion that comes from fear based thinking. If we take a really good look at why we feel guilty for any particular situation, we will probably find that the thought process is not even our own. It was something passed down to us from someone else. And to think that is ruling our days!!

Fortunately there is good news. The choice is ours as to whether we are going to carry the guilt or let it go. Give a moment to think how you would feel if you decided right this moment to let go of it. How would it feel to have put it out with the garbage on Monday morning? How does it feel? Light? Airy? Expansive? Free? Now ask yourself this. How often do you put the garbage out at the road, and then walk out and bring it back into the house? Never, Right? The same needs to happen when letting go of guilt, once you put it out, leave it out. In fact don’t even go back to smell it.

How can we release guilt? Here are a few steps, these require you to love yourself enough to give yourself permission to feel good.

1. Write out what you feel guilty about and why. Take one situation at a time. Write adamantly, don’t hold back on anything, just let it all go, allow the emotions to flow. Once you are done, set it down for a few moments, then go back and write a little more. Don’t read it over, tear it up, or burn it. As you do repeat ” I now choose to let this go, it no longer affects my life.”

2. Sit with a situation in mind. Allow yourself to feel how you feel about it, visualize it, hear the stories other people told you about the situation. Feel where you feel this in your body. Ask yourself if the guilt is yours or someone else’s? When you have sat with it as long as you can, allow yourself to let it go. Visualize it leaving your body, feel it leaving your body and say I choose to let this go. I no longer need this in my life. I let it go in exchange for peace.

3. Change the story you are telling yourself. When you catch yourself telling the guilt story either to yourself or someone else, catch it, don’t judge it, just change it to something possible, with positive emotions. Be aware of the thoughts and stories you tell, after all we get to choose them, they might as well be positive.

4. Train your mind to look for thing to be grateful for. You will always find what you are look for, again it might as well be positive.

In doing these exercises you will release the emotional charge the thoughts and feelings have on you. The memories may come back from time to time, but the emotions will not take hold of you, they will not control you. Quilt really is a useless emotion, with a choice attached. I choose to let it go so I can soar through the rest of my life free as a bird. Free yourself.

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Source by Jenn Prothero

Views: 0

July 24, 2022
Money – And How to Make More of It

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I don't know many independent professionals who wouldn't like to make more money.

It seems so simple. Ultimately there are only four ways to make more money in your business:

1. Get more new clients or customers

2. Raise your rates or fees

3. Sell more services to each client

4. Get more repeat business from existing clients.

Yes, but how do you actually accomplish those three things?

For the next several weeks, I'm going to write a series of articles on how to make more money in your business.

And I'm going to do my best to give you practical, actionable ideas that work. I know they work because I've3 used them and so have many of my clients over the years.

But before I start, there's an important things to understand about money.

Money. Is. An. Emotional. Issue.

Money isn't dollar bills in our pocket or numbers in our bank account.

No, in our minds, money is about our self worth, about how we compare ourselves to others, about how we feel about ourselves, about our success, and ultimately about our survival.

I have a favorite story about money that makes this very clear.

A few years ago, I worked with a husband and wife team who were executive coaches.

Because of our work together, they started to attract more clients on a consistent basis.

However, like many independent professionals, they were undercharging for their professional services.

But when I suggested they raise their fees, they became very uncomfortable.

And when I dug in, I discovered why.

It turns out that both had been raised in relatively poor families and they continually got the message that "rich people are dishonest."

Because they believed that to be true, of course they didn't want to raise their fees. That would make them, in their minds, dishonest.

And, if they felt they were dishonest, that would be a moral failure. That wouldn't feel good. It actually felt better to make less money!

After we explored this belief in depth, they realized that it was both emotional and illogical. It clearly wasn't true that all rich people were dishonest.

Their belief started to transform to: "We offer an honest service that makes a difference to our clients and it's OK to charge what that service is really worth."

This new belief felt a lot better than the old one.

And realizing this, they finally clearly saw that the fees they then charged were virtually nothing compared to the value their clients received.

And before too long they had doubled their fees with almost no pushback from their clients.

And no angst on their part.

So, the very first thing to examine if you are not making the money you want, are your beliefs about money.

Sounds simple, but it's trickier than it seems.

Why? Because we believe what we believe to protect us from any kind of harm – even if this harm is imaginary.

My clients believed they'd become dishonest if they raised their fees. So, in their minds, not raising their fees prevented that from happening.

What shifted this belief was clearly seeing that it was essentially nonsense. They could raise their fees and still be honest people.

With this powerful insight, their belief was forever changed.

And now, as a business owner, I challenge you to question your beliefs about money. First, identify the ones that are holding you back.

Here are a few very popular ones:

Money is scarce

My clients can't pay higher fees

People will think I'm greedy

More money will lead to problems

It feels wrong to make money doing what I love

Money will corrupt me

Being wealthy will make me arrogant

I don't deserve a lot of money

Money leads to bad things

More money just means more taxes

Wanting more money is selfish and shallow

List yours here: ______________________

I don't know which of these beliefs is running you, but if you aren't making the money you want it's almost certain that one or more of these beliefs is holding you back.

What are the fears behind the beliefs?

Honestly ask if those beliefs are true and if they are serving you or limiting you.

Then ask how things might change without those beliefs.

You just might find that it's not so hard to raise your fees after all.

So, the first thing you must do to earn more money is to question your beliefs about money. Unless you do that, you're unlikely to take the practical steps that will help you earn more money.

Do this honest questioning about your money beliefs and you'll be ready to learn a number of step-by-step approaches to earning more money that I'll cover in the following weeks.

Cheers, Robert

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Source by Robert Middleton

Views: 0

July 22, 2022
My Separated Husband Claims To Being Open To A Gradual, Slow Reconciliation. Should I Believe Him?

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I sometimes hear from wives who could have been my past self. The reason for this is that they are separated and somewhat desperate to reconcile and save their marriages. I typically have a very good idea of how they feel because I have been there. I know that when you are separated, there is little else that you think about, other than a reconciliation. You want the reconciliation to happen today – or tomorrow at the very latest. Unfortunately, our husbands don’t always feel the same way. In fact, they are usually the one who wanted the separation in the first place, so they may be very noncommittal when you attempt to talk about a reconciliation. However, it can be hard not to become hopeful when you make start to make progress and you feel like you are connecting again. Understandably, the improvement process can make you anxious to begin to inch toward a reconciliation. But your husband may bristle at this idea. And some husbands even back away from you a little, because they don’t want to be rushed. This can leave the wife feeling a bit stuck. Because she loves her husband and she wants to reconcile, she might be willing to move at his pace. But she can worry about his sincerity.

She might say, “I have been separated for over three months. In the beginning, I was nearly certain that a divorce was in my future. But over the last month, things have slowly started to improve. My husband has been coming over regularly to eat dinner with my son. After we put him to bed, we have been talking for hours. We have had some great talks. I have started to feel a little bit of hope that we might reconcile and I finally got up my courage to ask my husband about this. He said that he is not opposed to reconciling one day, but he insists that it is going to have to be a very gradual process because he isn’t ready to commit to anything. He said that we are both still figuring things out. I admit that I was disappointed and I wondered if perhaps he was saying this just to get me to back off. My girlfriend said that she would have her doubts too and that I shouldn’t put my heart into this until I get a commitment. I am torn. It’s not like my husband is asking anything of me. We aren’t sleeping together. So it’s not like lying to me is really to his benefit. At the same time, I don’t want to get my heart broken. Is it an awful sign that he wants to move slowly?”

Why A Gradual Reconciliation Can Have Advantages: I know why this hurts. You think that he’s just trying delay hurting you and it is scary to get your hopes up. However, I can tell you that even when my husband and I were doing really well as a couple at the tail end of our separation, we both made the conscious decision to take it slowly. It was very hard for me. Because I wanted an immediate reconciliation. But I also knew that I didn’t want to fail and to have to get a divorce. I fully realized that our relationship was still fragile. I also knew that when I tried to pressure or rush my husband, he had a tendency to retreat. So I didn’t want to do anything to make him uncomfortable. I knew that I was probably going to get one chance at this reconciliation thing and I did not want to do anything at all to jeopardize it.

What did help was that, like you, we were making some progress. So when I would get impatient, I would tell myself to contrast the weeks that we went not talking with the fact that we were regularly seeing one another, getting along, and enjoying ourselves. This was just not worth risking by rushing it. I understand your dread about your husband just trying to gain some time. But look at it this way: As long as you continue to make progress, why would he want to prolong the separation? As long as each day is a little better than the last, hopefully, you will both be more optimistic about the future. Why would he want to turn his back on that?

I know that moving at a gradual pace requires more trust. But, trust is a skill that will enhance your marriage anyway. One positive of gradual movement is that it allows you to make little tweaks along the way. You’re not in a situation where it is all or nothing. When you hit a speed bump, you adjust. When things go well, you might accelerate a bit. But you have the flexibility to do so because no one is any huge hurry and no one needs to move out again when things feel rushed. When you reconcile gradually, there isn’t so much pressure when he moves back in because you’ve already encountered many of the issues that may crop up and you have already fixed them. Therefore, your reconciliation has a much higher chance of success. That is why it is important to keep your eye on the real prize.

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Source by Leslie Cane

Views: 0

July 22, 2022
My Wife Thinks I’m Immature! What Steps Can Help Change This

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Your wife tells you that you’re immature. Perhaps you agree with her, or maybe you think she’s way off base. Regardless of your stance on the issue, she’s clear on hers. It’s hurtful knowing that the woman you’ve chosen to spend your life with sees you as nothing more than a child in a man’s clothing. Her comments sting, her attitude overshadows all the great things you do and you’re getting tired of trying to please her when you truly believe you’re fine exactly as you are, right?

There’s a very specific dynamic that dominates a marriage when the wife views her husband as immature. She’ll tend to take the reins on everything from major decision making to raising the children. Over time, a man in a relationship like this will start to feel as though his opinion and contributions aren’t welcomed or embraced. Once a marriage hits this bump in the road, it can be difficult to get it back on a loving and mutually respectful path.

Talk to Your Wife About Your Concerns

Before you can work on changing how your wife views you, you must get to the root of why she holds the opinion of you that she does. In some marriages, it’s obvious in that the husband refuses to take on the necessary responsibility that a married partner must carry. This may manifest itself in a man who hasn’t chosen a career path yet even though he’s been out of college for a decade, or it can be a man who insists on splurging on things that the couple can’t afford.

If you’re unsure why your wife continually views you as immature, ask her. You must be prepared to hear some difficult things about yourself. In fact, when you ask your wife about how she sees your behavior, this may actually open the floodgates and she’ll pour out every criticism she has of you.

View this as a step in a positive direction. Try not to become defensive. Instead, absorb it as a tool for change and a means towards a closer, more enriching marriage.

Do Things Within Your Marriage That Command Respect

If someone views you as immature it may be a sign that they simply have little or no respect for you. In the case of a married couple, this can stem from any number of circumstances but it’s generally something that can be rectified.

Commanding respect may feel like an ominous task, particularly in the case of a man who wants his wife to show him more respect. But it’s often your own view of yourself that others will follow. For instance, if you don’t take care of yourself physically or emotionally, your wife may start to believe that you don’t value yourself. In turn, she’ll begin to devalue you as well which can result in her seeing you as someone who isn’t on the same level as she is.

Working on improving yourself is a simple way to garner more respect from your wife. Take stock of where your life is compared to where you want it to be at this point. Perhaps you believed that you’d be running your own company by the age of thirty, or maybe you envisioned yourself a successful investor by the time you entered your forties. Whatever your life goals have been now is the time to redefine them and start making them a reality.

When a person invests more energy, care and time in themselves, others follow that lead. That’s why you must start putting more effort into becoming the man you know you’re capable of. You can show your wife, through dedicated actions, that you aren’t the immature boy that she believes she marries. Instead, begin showing her that you are indeed a focused and mature man who now sees the potential within himself.

Don’t Try and Hurt Your Wife in Retaliation for Her Criticism

When a person we love hurts us verbally there’s a very strong temptation to throw something just as hurtful back in their direction. You may have already done this with your wife when she referred to you as immature. If you have, ensure that it’s the last time it happens.

If you fall to the same level of your wife and throw hurtful words in her direction, you are showing her that you are the definition of immature. You are, in fact, proving her own point for her. Children like to engage in hurtful banter that often results in one person being so stung that the relationship will never be the same. It’s much worse when it’s married adults who are engaging in this type of destruction behavior.

The next time your wife tells you that she thinks you are immature, you need to respond in a very specific way. Look her straight in the eye and calmly say, “you are entitled to your opinion, but I disagree.” Then end the conversation by leaving the room or saying goodbye if it’s via telephone. Don’t engage her a moment longer because if you do you will be tempted to say things that will escalate the situation until you both are hurt.

If you repeatedly handle the situation with this type of dignity and grace your wife will soon realize that her words are hollow. You’ll be showing her that you are indeed mature, calm and reasonable.

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Source by Gillian Reynolds

Views: 0

July 22, 2022
Marital Affairs And Your Karma
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Two people can be mutually attracted to one another, only if there was some relationship between them in some previous life. When you meet a person, to whom you were related in a previous life, the stored memories or the Runanubhandhana stir up your emotions and you may start “feeling” for the person. Every longstanding relationship leads to certain deep impressions. Any act when done repeatedly can become a habit. Every habit leaves an impression. These impressions are the Samskaras, which drive us to act again. But if we have no more debt (runa) with the other person, it just remains a fleeting thought, an impulse only.

Sometimes even though the karmic debt is discharged, the old Samskaras (impressions of past acts) can generate an irresistible inner urge to enter into a relationship. We eventually end up creating a fresh account, a further karmic debt that is not advisable. But if there is undischarged karmic debt, it results in a relationship naturally. When the karmic accounts are settled, once there is no more debt, the relationship ends. But if the Runanubhandhana is very strong, it results in a long-standing relationship like marriage.

This is the cause of every relationship, how it is born and how it ends. But nothing is permanent. No karmic debt can be everlasting. Eventually it has to end when the debt is discharged, when the account is balanced. In this impermanent world change is the law of life. Countless wombs have we passed through. Innumerable mothers, fathers, spouses and children have we been with. It is hard to interact with another being who has not been a parent, brother, sister, spouse, child, friend or associate in some other life. But when a karmic debt is over, the attachment might still be there. We still cling on. When rna (debt) is over, the relationship has to end, but anubandhana (bondage or attachment) might still make us cling to the person. Like the fan that turns for a while even after the power supply has been switched off, the attachment doesn’t die for some time. Once the runa is over, nothing can sustain the relationship. Hence any further remnants of attachment (anubandhana) are bound to produce only suffering and misery.

In some cases, one of the two people involved grows out of the relationship once the runa (debt) is discharged. But the other refuses to move on, due to the attachment (anubandhana). The second person suffers tremendously because any further attachment leads to misery and suffering only. Sometimes there is bitterness also after separation. This bitterness can sow the seeds for future karma! When the karmic debts are over, when a couple has to part ways, as far as possible, it should be done with the least negative feelings. They should part in an amicable way to avoid further seeds of new karma, which is easier said than done.

The karma that brings two people together into marriage can also be of many types.
1. Bitter enemies can be born as husband and wife, and always fight, criticize, deceive one another and make each other’s lives miserable.
2. Two people who have created negative karma between them come back as man and wife, and lead a life of suffering together, fighting with one another.
3. Two people who have created both positive and negative karma between them come back as man and wife, and have a mixed life causing both happiness and unhappiness to one another.
4. Two people who have created positive karma between them in previous lives come back as man and wife and lead a relatively happy life.
5. One who has taken a lot in some life has to give in the present life. In such a case, one of them will always be giving (money, love, care, etc.) and the other receiving.
6. Two souls who are evolving spiritually come as husband and wife, help each other in their evolution and benefit one another. This is the purpose of marriage.
7. A couple who has been husband and wife may come back as husband and wife again, if their Runanubhandhana is very strong. If the Runanubhandhana is very strong and their destinies (lives) are so strongly interlinked, usually both die almost at the same time. If one dies first, generally the other also dies within a few hours or days or weeks. The souls are so strongly identified with one another that towards the end of a successful married life, they behave as if they are one.
8. Sometimes (rarely) a very highly evolved being or soul, or spirit or even an avatar is born as two people to accomplish a mission. After the accomplishment of the mission, they merge back into one. Though very rare, such a divine couple can take birth at times. Such a high soul may be born as two separate individuals as husband and wife, brothers, guru and disciple, etc.
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Source by Diwakar Vashist

Views: 0
July 21, 2022
9 Questions To Ask Before Marriage To Reduce The Risk Of Divorce

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Love with your heart, but think with your mind and keep your eyes open love was never meant to be blind and foolish. Let's get into the most important 9 questions you need to ask before you walk down the aisle.

1. What does marriage mean to you and your fiancé? This question helps you understand the basic concept you and your fiancé have of marriage. Being a wife or husband is like being partners of a start-up company. If both partners have very different views of what this means the marriage will never be managed effectively.

2. What does the marriage look like to you and your fiancé? You are deep in love and have a picture in mind of what the marriage will look like 5, 10 and 25 plus years down the road. Your fiancé also has expectation of what the marriage will look like and how it will function. These expectations may be quite different so get them clear early on.

3. Why did you fall in love? This needs to be clear as well especially when the storms and challenges come. You need to always have this beautiful story to reflect on and help refocus your feelings.

4. What is your purpose in the marriage? Getting married is more about what you bring to the relationship than what you can get from it. There is a very specific set of reasons that make you the best person for your spouse. You need to know how being you and fulfilling your potential will add tremendous value to your spouse.

5. What is the purpose of your spouse as a partner? No matter how well together you believe you are, your spouse also has value to add that will make you a better person.

6. Who are you as a unique person? People get lost in relationships because they lose sight of who they are. You need to take time to figure out who you are before trying to become one with someone else.

7. Who is your fiancé as a different unique person? Apart from appreciating who you are as a unique person you need to appreciate the uniqueness of your fiancé as well.

8. What problems have you already noticed? Love is not blind; love sees the best and minimises the worst. Love lets you know that the issues did not stop you from falling in love. You still need to acknowledge the issues and bring them to the light.

9. What are the expectations you have for your life? Frustration comes when expectations are not met. In marriage you are likely to blame your spouse when these are not met. Your life expectations need to be measured against what you and your fiancé agree on for the marriage.

Taking time to answer these 9 simple questions can save you from the pitfalls that have wrecked many couples. Reduce the risk of divorce by spending more time on questions like these and less on questions about the color of bridesmaid dresses, menus and flowers.

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Source by Kerwyn Joseph

Views: 0

July 21, 2022
It Appears That My Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me After His Affair

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I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated not only by their husband’s cheating or affair, but also by the loss of intimacy and physical contact. For whatever reason, sex has been taken off the table. So at a time when a wife is already hurt and confused, she’s now struggling with the fact that she can’t have the reassurance of being intimate. This leaves her wondering whether her husband is still attracted to her sexually and whether or not her marriage will be able to recover.

She might say, “my husband had an affair about two months ago. At first, I would not even speak to him. Eventually, I allowed him to come and see the kids, and little by little, we began talking again. I can tell that he feels very guilty and embarrassed. He goes out of his way to be accommodating and kind to me. He has told me that although he’d like to stay married and that he would never cheat on me again, he can’t ask me to stay with him because he doesn’t know if he could stay with me if I cheated. He is basically saying that he wouldn’t blame me if I refused to take him back. I’ve told him that I’m going to take my time in making a decision. But up until this week, I truly was considering it. However, last weekend, the kids and I watched a movie with my husband and they fell asleep. My husband and I ended up talking and laughing. One thing lead to another and before long we were kissing. When things were about to get intimate, my husband pulled away and said ‘I just can’t have sex with you right now.’ I was stunned, so I asked, ‘you can’t or you won’t?’ He got up and said ‘I just can’t. I’m sorry.’ I have no idea what to make of this. I have tried to ask him about this, but he always changes the subject. Is he not attracted to me? Can he not physically complete the task because of the affair? I want to save my marriage, but I also want to have a healthy sex life again one day. Why would a man not be able to have sex with his wife after the affair?”

I can’t speak for your husband, but I’d suspect that it wasn’t that he couldn’t have sex with you. I suspect that he could have completed the task if he had felt right about it. However, many men have quite a bit of guilt and shame after the affair. So they know that having sex again might create a good deal of awkwardness and negative feelings. On the one hand, they may very much want to have sex with you. But they are ashamed of this desire since they feel that they don’t have any right to ask this of you. Plus, they know that when you disrobe and begin to have sex, you might both be caught up in thoughts of him having sex with someone else, since that wound is so fresh. The thought of this might terrify him. And he might figure that it’s better to just wait to have sex than to try it now and have it be a disaster. Also, he may not want for it to look like he’s only interested in sex with you when he doesn’t really deserve it.

I know that this is painful and may feel like a rejection, but let’s look at the facts. Your husband and yourself were having a nice, light-hearted time laughing together. He was clearly into it when he was kissing you. And then something changed. Since he’s told you that he’d like to save your marriage, I highly doubt that he’s not attracted to you. In fact, I’m sure it was tempting to have sex. However, he was probably trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing or awkward encounter. And perhaps he didn’t want for you to feel taken advantage of in the morning or he did not want for you to feel guilty.

Many couples delay sex after an affair for a couple of different reasons. They want to make sure that it is the right time. They do not want to rush into it and potentially make bigger problems than they already had. Many know that if the sex was awkward and just not good then they would take that to mean that their marriage was doomed. So they wait until they are sure that it will be right, because they know that they are going to analyze it.

Your husband could have the same thought process. He may want to wait until you’re both sure that it’s the right time. He may not want to look like the creep who is pressuring his wife to have sex after his affair. And he probably knows that you might both have thoughts of the affair during sex. All these reasons are why it can truly make sense to wait.

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Source by Katie Lersch

Views: 0

July 20, 2022
I Miss My Separated Husband And Fear That He’s Never Coming Back

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There are certain times in your life where it’s very easy to dread the worst case scenario. Even if you are a natural optimist, when you are faced with the reality that you dread and fear the most, you tend to allow your mind to go to unfortunate places and you almost expect the worst to happen to you.

This is very common. Unfortunately though, your sense of dread can cause you to make desperate moves that you would not normally make, so that your worst case scenario actually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s extremely normal to expect the worst during a separation. For example, a wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for almost six months. If you would have told me at the beginning of the separation that things would be this bad, I would not have believed you. But they are pretty darn bad. When my husband left home and declared us separated, he made it sound like it would hopefully only be a temporary thing. I don’t know if this was really his intention or if he just did this for my benefit. But the separation has been anything but temporary. My husband never calls. I ask mutual friends if he asks about me and they have to admit that he does not. He acts like I am an annoyance to him. When we first separated, I figured that he would be back in less than three months time. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this much time would go by. And I have to be honest. I now think that he is never coming back. And I miss him so much. I am generally an upbeat person, but this has brought me down so badly. It is all I can think about. In the beginning of our separation, I tried to reach out to my husband all of the time, but he was not receptive to me. I still try, but not as often because the rejection is very hard to take. Some of my friends and family tell me that I need to just accept that he is never coming back and I guess that they are right. But this is a very sad reality for me to face and I’m finding it affecting me much more than I thought it would. How do you face the reality that the separated husband you miss so much is probably never coming back?”

I am probably not the best person to ask as, despite all evidence to the contrary, I never really accepted that my husband wasn’t coming back. But things did get so bad that at one point, it became clear that I needed to live my life. I never gave up on my husband or my marriage. And I figured that if we were going to divorce, then he would need to be the one to pursue it. I left that alone and I tried to live my life as best as I could. I forced myself to stay busy so that I would stop continuously bothering my husband and being rebuffed. I traveled a lot so that the distance made it almost impossible for me to continue on with this cycle.

Ironically, once I forced this shift on myself, my husband became receptive again. But I like to think that I would have carried on regardless. It is true that you can not control what your husband is ultimately going to do. But you do have control over what YOU are going to do. Focusing on the negative while standing still in your own life, (while absolutely understandable,) is not the best course of action. It took me far too long to learn this.

You deserve better than just treading water. As hard as it is to see at the time, your marriage is just one aspect of your life. You have many others. Sure, no one willingly wants to put their marriage on hold. But when you have no choice in this, it is best not to put yourself dead last on your priority list. Because in that sense, you are suffering twice. You are suffering because of what is happening with your marriage. But you are also suffering as an individual because you are basically standing still – just waiting for something that is not completely within your control.

Sure, you can certainly paint yourself in the best light, work on yourself, address your marital issues, and take advantage of any interaction with your spouse. (These things all help tremendously and may make it so that he might eventually come back.) But you can’t control what he thinks or does. So the best course of action is to do what you can and then to focus on moving yourself forward. Doing this doesn’t mean that you have to accept that your husband is never coming back – I certainly didn’t. But it does mean that you’ve made a conscious decision to not solely focus on the negative and to prioritize yourself enough to continue to live your life — rather than putting it off and seeing it through the negative lens that the separation has brought about.

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Source by Leslie Cane

Views: 0

July 20, 2022