Tag: Divorce

  • My Separated Husband Claims To Being Open To A Gradual, Slow Reconciliation. Should I Believe Him?

    My Separated Husband Claims To Being Open To A Gradual, Slow Reconciliation. Should I Believe Him?

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    I sometimes hear from wives who could have been my past self. The reason for this is that they are separated and somewhat desperate to reconcile and save their marriages. I typically have a very good idea of how they feel because I have been there. I know that when you are separated, there is little else that you think about, other than a reconciliation. You want the reconciliation to happen today – or tomorrow at the very latest. Unfortunately, our husbands don’t always feel the same way. In fact, they are usually the one who wanted the separation in the first place, so they may be very noncommittal when you attempt to talk about a reconciliation. However, it can be hard not to become hopeful when you make start to make progress and you feel like you are connecting again. Understandably, the improvement process can make you anxious to begin to inch toward a reconciliation. But your husband may bristle at this idea. And some husbands even back away from you a little, because they don’t want to be rushed. This can leave the wife feeling a bit stuck. Because she loves her husband and she wants to reconcile, she might be willing to move at his pace. But she can worry about his sincerity.

    She might say, “I have been separated for over three months. In the beginning, I was nearly certain that a divorce was in my future. But over the last month, things have slowly started to improve. My husband has been coming over regularly to eat dinner with my son. After we put him to bed, we have been talking for hours. We have had some great talks. I have started to feel a little bit of hope that we might reconcile and I finally got up my courage to ask my husband about this. He said that he is not opposed to reconciling one day, but he insists that it is going to have to be a very gradual process because he isn’t ready to commit to anything. He said that we are both still figuring things out. I admit that I was disappointed and I wondered if perhaps he was saying this just to get me to back off. My girlfriend said that she would have her doubts too and that I shouldn’t put my heart into this until I get a commitment. I am torn. It’s not like my husband is asking anything of me. We aren’t sleeping together. So it’s not like lying to me is really to his benefit. At the same time, I don’t want to get my heart broken. Is it an awful sign that he wants to move slowly?”

    Why A Gradual Reconciliation Can Have Advantages: I know why this hurts. You think that he’s just trying delay hurting you and it is scary to get your hopes up. However, I can tell you that even when my husband and I were doing really well as a couple at the tail end of our separation, we both made the conscious decision to take it slowly. It was very hard for me. Because I wanted an immediate reconciliation. But I also knew that I didn’t want to fail and to have to get a divorce. I fully realized that our relationship was still fragile. I also knew that when I tried to pressure or rush my husband, he had a tendency to retreat. So I didn’t want to do anything to make him uncomfortable. I knew that I was probably going to get one chance at this reconciliation thing and I did not want to do anything at all to jeopardize it.

    What did help was that, like you, we were making some progress. So when I would get impatient, I would tell myself to contrast the weeks that we went not talking with the fact that we were regularly seeing one another, getting along, and enjoying ourselves. This was just not worth risking by rushing it. I understand your dread about your husband just trying to gain some time. But look at it this way: As long as you continue to make progress, why would he want to prolong the separation? As long as each day is a little better than the last, hopefully, you will both be more optimistic about the future. Why would he want to turn his back on that?

    I know that moving at a gradual pace requires more trust. But, trust is a skill that will enhance your marriage anyway. One positive of gradual movement is that it allows you to make little tweaks along the way. You’re not in a situation where it is all or nothing. When you hit a speed bump, you adjust. When things go well, you might accelerate a bit. But you have the flexibility to do so because no one is any huge hurry and no one needs to move out again when things feel rushed. When you reconcile gradually, there isn’t so much pressure when he moves back in because you’ve already encountered many of the issues that may crop up and you have already fixed them. Therefore, your reconciliation has a much higher chance of success. That is why it is important to keep your eye on the real prize.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • 9 Questions To Ask Before Marriage To Reduce The Risk Of Divorce

    9 Questions To Ask Before Marriage To Reduce The Risk Of Divorce

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    Love with your heart, but think with your mind and keep your eyes open love was never meant to be blind and foolish. Let's get into the most important 9 questions you need to ask before you walk down the aisle.

    1. What does marriage mean to you and your fiancé? This question helps you understand the basic concept you and your fiancé have of marriage. Being a wife or husband is like being partners of a start-up company. If both partners have very different views of what this means the marriage will never be managed effectively.

    2. What does the marriage look like to you and your fiancé? You are deep in love and have a picture in mind of what the marriage will look like 5, 10 and 25 plus years down the road. Your fiancé also has expectation of what the marriage will look like and how it will function. These expectations may be quite different so get them clear early on.

    3. Why did you fall in love? This needs to be clear as well especially when the storms and challenges come. You need to always have this beautiful story to reflect on and help refocus your feelings.

    4. What is your purpose in the marriage? Getting married is more about what you bring to the relationship than what you can get from it. There is a very specific set of reasons that make you the best person for your spouse. You need to know how being you and fulfilling your potential will add tremendous value to your spouse.

    5. What is the purpose of your spouse as a partner? No matter how well together you believe you are, your spouse also has value to add that will make you a better person.

    6. Who are you as a unique person? People get lost in relationships because they lose sight of who they are. You need to take time to figure out who you are before trying to become one with someone else.

    7. Who is your fiancé as a different unique person? Apart from appreciating who you are as a unique person you need to appreciate the uniqueness of your fiancé as well.

    8. What problems have you already noticed? Love is not blind; love sees the best and minimises the worst. Love lets you know that the issues did not stop you from falling in love. You still need to acknowledge the issues and bring them to the light.

    9. What are the expectations you have for your life? Frustration comes when expectations are not met. In marriage you are likely to blame your spouse when these are not met. Your life expectations need to be measured against what you and your fiancé agree on for the marriage.

    Taking time to answer these 9 simple questions can save you from the pitfalls that have wrecked many couples. Reduce the risk of divorce by spending more time on questions like these and less on questions about the color of bridesmaid dresses, menus and flowers.

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    Source by Kerwyn Joseph

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  • THE ESSENTIALS OF A HOME

    The basic incentive for marriage.—A completed home embraces a father, mother and one or more children, bound together by natural love for each other. The initial step in home building is taken when a man and woman decide to assume the duties, responsibilities and functions of marriage. Courtship and marriage may be prompted by a number of motives. There is but one natural and worthy motive—LOVE. This motive may be a little out of date in some circles, but it remains essential to a normal home, a happy productive home. This expression of love is awakened to conscious activity through acquaintance and friendship, becomes a joyful reality in courtship, is consummated in marriage and is perpetuated through life, because{16} of a chaste, pure, unselfish sex preference of one man for one woman and that one woman for that one man. If for any reason, this sex preference is ever broken, the bonds of love between husband and wife will be weakened, if not severed for all time. This bond of union may be broken in a number of ways. There may be other causes of domestic inharmony, all of which can be adjusted so long as sex preference, or love, binds the two as one. Under the guidance of unselfish sex selection, few mistakes would ever be made, in the choice of a companion.

    The tests of true love.—A man and woman bound by pure love for each other, may live in a shack or a humble rented cottage, they may have to toil late and hard to support a family of growing children, but they and the children will be happy and usually healthy and strong, bound together by mutual love. They will remain true to each other through adversity, sickness and death.

    Mismated.—If husband and wife are not bound to each other by a natural sex preference, or love, though they may hold in their possession broad acres of land, railroad bonds and heavy deposits in the bank, live in a mansion and move in the élite circles of society, they will not love each other, their children, or be able to build a REAL home.

    Other incentives for marriage.—It is quite customary,{17}


    A Good Argument for Pure Living

    A Good Argument for Pure Living

    in some grades of society, to choose a life companion for social or financial advantage. Such unions are not natural. They are cold business transactions. A man prompted by these motives sees in a woman the qualities of a good housekeeper, a social queen, or a financial gain. A woman prompted by unnatural motives sees in a man opportunities for social prestige, a life of luxury and ease. They drift apart instead of their personalities blending, through love, as one. Soon he spends his days in his daily vocation and his evenings in the lodges. She finds her only pleasure in following the latest fashions and devoting her time to various social functions. Each have their secrets and manage to avoid public disgrace.

    Should a child be born into such an unnatural home, it would receive an unfortunate heredity and a still more unfortunate environment. The initial of its life was accidental, its prenatal rights were not regarded, its advent was not welcomed, it is now turned over to a hired nurse. Such a child is more unfortunate than an orphan. In no true sense has it a father or mother. This child, when visitors are about, or when the family is making a public display, may be petted, pampered and spoiled by its parents and on all occasions lavishly supplied with dress and toys; thus egotism will be stimulated and propensities gratified and this child will be placed at a decided disadvantage in life. Compared{19} with this child, the little ragged street urchin is to be congratulated.

    When the natural, God-designed and God-honored, sex instinct is perverted and base desire supplants love, in the choice of a companion, the home instinct is degraded, love dethroned and inharmony prevails.

    The Romance, of Courtship and the Honeymoon, is Transitory. There is a certain amount of the glamour, mystery, novelty, romance and poetry connected with courtship and the honeymoon, while perhaps natural at the time, but in the very nature of the case cannot be permanent. The plain, practical, everyday experiences of life must become prominent in every successful home. The fairyland, of flowery visions, rippling streams of sentiment, poetic fancies of bliss and the lunar and stellar raptures of love, must yield, after a period of such experiences, to mundane realities where these beautiful dreams terminate and air castles are destroyed and life once more becomes real.

    When the termination of this romantic period comes to the young wife, whose vision of marriage was received from sensational novels, fashion journals, the theater and gay social gatherings, and to the young husband, kid-gloved, well-starched and much-cravatted, it will be unexpected and very disastrous to their imaginary love. Cruel and prudish are they, who are responsible for creating artificial social{20} visions in the minds of the youth. But when the termination of romance comes to the young husband and wife, whose courtship and marriage have been true to nature, this will be supplanted by the dawning consciousness of life’s real mission in marriage and they will discover that the truest, sweetest and most enduring pleasures and joys of life have only begun.

    The first born.—Fortunate and happy is that young couple, who, before the romance of marriage is over, becomes aware that preparations must be made for the first little stranger into their home. If the faint prophecies, of the approaching advent of their first-born, thrill their lives with hopeful and joyful anticipations, marriage will now have a deeper significance, the bonds of love and dependence become stronger and the pleasures of life more real. The supremest moment of marriage comes when the young husband, who for the first time, in the birth chamber, stands by his wife’s side, holding her hands in his; stoops and kisses her lips, cheeks and brow, as she bravely and beautifully endures the throes of parturition. Such an experience is enough to transform a brute into a man. When the first-born is placed to the young mother’s breast, a deep, profound, but quiet happiness knows no bounds in two hearts that beat as one. This is the primary purpose of marriage. A cooing baby is nature’s own sequel to the honeymoon.{21}
    God’s Richest Blessing to a Home.

    God’s Richest Blessing to a Home.

    Health, happiness and life worth living is made possible through parenthood.

    If a child was intelligently planned for and warmly welcomed into every home, the first year of married life, then one by one at reasonable intervals until the family consists of four to eight healthy, happy, well-cared-for children, most of the problems of marriage would be solved.

    The childless homes.—All efforts to evade the fiat of nature and God, “multiply and replenish the earth,” not justified by the authors of this law, will lead to health blighted, happiness destroyed, a home wrecked and two souls will be arrested in their endless progress. In homes, voluntarily childless, and in homes where one or two little intruders were accidentally and unwillingly admitted, can be found the most serious and perplexing social problems.

    Childless homes made happy.—The involuntarily childless homes, and the homes voluntarily childless, because of justifiable reasons, need not be unhappy. Their paternal and maternal natures may be developed by adopting homeless children. In this land there are many such happy homes. If the mother love, in childless homes, annually wasted on poodle dogs, was expended on homeless children, there would soon be no childless homes, orphan homes and homeless children, and more happiness in the world.{22}

    How shall family troubles be solved?—While natural sex preference and the birth of children solve almost all the domestic problems and make possible the solution of all family troubles, they do not render the husband and wife immune to all differences, disagreements, incompatibilities and perplexities. It is not possible for the husband to see everything from his wife’s view point, or the wife to see everything from the husband’s point of view. If they differ in taste, retain their personalities, have lofty ambitions, possess sensitive natures and have their individual ideals, they will often differ in their opinions, and, occasionally very good people will find themselves in disastrous disputes. Commendable ideals and virtues, as well as faults, may become the sources of domestic trouble. What should they do—separate? No. Secure a divorce? Certainly not. Let these steps be the last possible resort. Where a family of children are to be scattered and injured by the disgrace, perhaps a divorce should not be sought, on any grounds. The bleeding hearts and blasted hopes caused by one divorce is greater than that caused by a score of deaths. Divorce degrades morals, withers ideals and causes untold human suffering. What is the remedy? Agree to let past differences, disagreements and quarrels remain in the past. Don’t bring the dead yesterdays over into the living to-days. Each{23} morning, give each other a clean slate. Resolve each morning to please, rather than to displease your partner. By doing this, irreconcilable differences will gradually disappear. This does not mean that they should lose their individualities, or compromise with their convictions. This is not a radical or expensive remedy, but one that works in nearly every case.

    Extract from EBook of Self Knowledge and Guide to Sex Instruction, by T. W. Shannon

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  • Buhari: An Illiterate Jubril? By Ozodinukwe Okenwa

    Buhari: An Illiterate Jubril? By Ozodinukwe Okenwa

    SOC Okenwa
    SOC Okenwa

    Buhari: An Illiterate Jubril? By Ozodinukwe Okenwa 1SOC Okenwa


     

    “President Buhari is an illiterate, he does not know what restructuring means, he is less concerned about the future of Nigeria, he is only bothered about his cows.”— Pa Ayo Adebanjo, Afenifere Chieftain and elder Nigerian statesman.

    Illiteracy is outlined by the dictionary merely as the lack to learn and write. Someone unable to learn or write might categorical themselves orally however when it comes all the way down to placing pen to paper or studying a guide or newspaper, as an illustration, their incapacity is uncovered to their disgrace. Nigeria boasts of tens of millions of instances of analphabetism particularly within the rural areas. While 1000’s graduate yearly from the colleges increasingly more numbers be part of the illiteracy class.

    Analphabetism is a harmful phenomenon given the ignorance it propagates. An illiterate is as harmful to themselves as they’re to the society at giant. That is why it’s mentioned that schooling will endlessly govern ignorance! Serious-minded and well-governed societies make investments closely in schooling as a result of it ensures each improvement and the longer term.

    President Muhammadu Buhari, even previous to his common election in 2015 and controversial ‘re-election’ final 12 months, had been embroiled in educational scandal bothering on his WAEC certificates. To the opposition he by no means possessed any; maybe he by no means sat for one. As a septuagenarian Buhari’s technology could possibly be mentioned debatably to have had little or no educational data, so his claims and counter-claims of the opposition concerning his academic profile are comprehensible.

    Litigations over his educational qualification for the presidency lingered for years with none definitive judicial pronouncement. He had as soon as claimed that his CV was with the navy excessive command! Yet the difficulty right here just isn’t whether or not he was certified to vie for the presidency or not however whether or not he dedicated perjury by affirming what he by no means possessed.

    A patriotic devoted ‘illiterate’ who demonstrated uncanny skill to offer management could also be preferable to a PHD holder who manifested crass incompetence in main a brand new technology of Nigerians. Former President Goodluck Jonathan was mentioned to be a PHD holder but his presidency was riddled with corruption and ineptitude. So the place is the educational hyperlink to sound management right here?

    We usually are not advocating for a Barkin Zuwo as President right here. Sound schooling and management has one thing in widespread globally however sure elements might present an avenue for ‘divorce’ particularly within the African political context.

    Is President Buhari a Jubril from Chad or Sudan? Nnamdi Kanu and his proscribed IPOB “terrorists” assume that the Buhari we knew earlier than he went for medical tourism that lasted months in London some years again had ‘died’ and was instantly changed surgically with a Jubril from Chad or Sudan. Why Sudan or Chad and never Niger or Guinea? The so-called Jubril might have come from elsewhere!

    Personally this commentator has by no means believed such wild declare as a result of there was by no means any tangible proof to help identical. It may be very low cost to allege that the primary citizen of a nation was useless and chirurgically changed with a look-alike with out the key leaking in a digitally-powered world.

    Telling us that proof existed within the President’s head coated all the time with cap is like asking us to replay Thomas biblically by seeing earlier than believing. Pray, how might anybody aside from the First Lady, Aisha, or the distinguished members of the infamous Aso Villa cabal ever see Buhari with out his customary cap? Or can we rent a detective to do the job for us by planting a digital camera in his toilet or bed room?

    A former Head of State, former Minister and former Chairman of the Petroleum Trust “Fraud” (apology to Ray Ekpu) can’t ordinarily be mentioned to not be certified to be President, one democratically elected. When he led us by the Jackboot within the early 80s nobody of their proper senses dared questioned his educational credentials. But that’s irrelevant.

    His case just isn’t distinctive in a continent the place barbarians and cannibals just like the late Idi Amin Dada of Uganda had dominated their nations ignorantly for many years. It is nothing particular in our continental political house the place the likes of ex-President Yahya Jammeh dictatorially caged the Gambians for many years; the place the likes of Dadis Camara dominated their Guinean animal kingdom.

    Is President Buhari an illiterate Jubril? Or higher nonetheless, is he a glorified illiterate? A Jubril from Sudan or Chad? Well, all issues thought-about we refuse to simply accept that our President can’t learn and write if sure educational indices are utilized. He couldn’t have been as good as Prof. Wole Soyinka in class or Alassane Ouattara as President however he ‘troopers’ on taking us all down the abyss of despair.

    To begin with it might quantity to uncharitable insolence to insinuate {that a} retired General who has put in a long time into the Nigerian navy service is barely educated or an outright case of analphabetism. It can’t stand any mental crucible.

    You don’t rise by the ranks and file in your chosen career as an illiterate, do you? Besides, he did navy programs overseas and these research had been carried out in English and never Hausa, Fulani or Fulfulde. It is subsequently disingenuous to say that Buhari is something close to illiteracy!

    The President could also be grammatically challenged; he might not be fluent sufficient, he could not possess the required presidential grit and charisma to guide an ideal nation like ours however that’s secondary in our reckoning. He could also be sluggish to taking selections and might not be conversant sufficient with world realities (Covid-19 pandemic for instance) however he has been ‘elected’ twice to offer management on the nationwide stage — though such management is manifestly missing in our embattled nation.

    The President might not be used to hiring and firing as circumstances dictate however nothing much less might have been anticipated from an outdated health-challenged lacklustre chief. The cabal led by Mamman Daura and Abba Kyari might have seized the chance to avoid energy by taking presidential selections on behalf of Buhari. But, happily, the ship of state continues to be afloat, not but run aground.

    SOC Okenwa

    soco_abj_2006_rci@hotmail.fr

     

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  • The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

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    Stop to consider your last fight with your spouse. The exact subject may escape you at the moment. We understand. After a while, the spats – over bills, your job, in-laws or the dishes still in the sink – can all blur together. But contrary to popular belief, it’s not the amount of conflict in your marriage or what you argue about that determines your relationship’s survival rate. to marriage researchers, how a couple fights tends to be the best predicator of whether they’ll end up enjoying their golden years together or battling it out in divorce court. So learning to fight less may not be quite as important as learning to fight fair.

    Four Deadly Sins of Marriage

    Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage. He ominously refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Every couple needs to be vigilant and ensure none of the four gallop into their marriage and wreak irreversible havoc.

    Horseman #1: Criticism

    The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together – day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.

    Note that criticism differs from complaining. Criticism focuses on the person. Complaining focuses on the behavior. This may seem like subtle nuance but research shows it is a distinction that makes a significant difference in the long term. For example, this is a critical statement: “You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction.” These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack.

    Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person’s behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an “I” instead of “you”: “I get so frustrated when you are driving and don’t know where you are going.” See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though “I” statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage manageable during explosive moments.

    Horseman #2: Contempt

    You’re an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Period.

    Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.

    Horseman #3: Defensiveness

    Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn’t put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.

    As understandable as this response can be, it is still hugely destructive. It builds walls. Rather than allow room for connectedness, the foundation for conflict resolution, it tends to breed emotional distance. Defensiveness blocks healing and forgiveness.

    Horseman #4: Stonewalling

    Because stonewalling is not explicitly aggressive, couples often underestimate its destructive potential. But it can be just as devastating to a relationship in its passiveness. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution.

    Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners.

    The Secret to Fighting Fair

    Now that you know the four horsemen, make a conscious effort to keep them in the stable before they trample your marriage. One of the best ways to do this is to make “repair attempts” during your next argument. According to Gottman, repair attempts are any words or actions that prevent a conflict from escalating out of control. As simple as it sounds, repair attempts keep a marriage from becoming negative, hostile and distant.

    Repair attempts can be as basic as changing the topic, giving a compliment, apologizing or saying, “I’ve been cranky all day, can we start over?” It can be as simple as saying, “Don’t worry, we’ll get through this” or cracking a joke to diffuse tension. Research even shows couples who touch during arguments also tend to show higher relationship satisfaction. Do whatever works for you when conflict rears its ugly head.

    Remember, the more entrenched the negative patterns of behavior in your marriage become, the more difficult it becomes to break them. Don’t become a victim of these negative cycles. When two mature people can take ownership and be flexible, they will keep their marriage strong even though they may not always agree. As a Scottish proverb says, “Better bend than break.”

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    Source by Grant Langston

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  • How Do I Get My Wife to Come Back Home – Tips to Help Rebuild Your Marriage

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    How do I get my wife to come back home? Any man asking that is staring face first into a divorce. If your wife has moved out that means the state of your marriage is delicate at best. Maybe you told her to go or perhaps you begged her to stay. Regardless, now you’re faced with a future without the woman you really love. You obviously want her back so you two can start the process of rebuilding your broken marriage. It can happen but you have to be determined to put in the effort and understanding that it takes.

    Understanding how to get your wife to want to reconcile has a lot to do with recognizing and respecting her feelings at the moment. If things got to the point where it felt necessary for her to leave the family home, that speaks volumes about where you two were at. Obviously you weren’t getting along at all. Perhaps your days and evenings were filled with arguments and conflict. Maybe it reached a point where you two just stopped talking altogether. Before you can expect to move forward with repairing the relationship you have to acknowledge that she needs to not be with you. Her decision to leave has to be respected.

    Initiating contact again is something that should be done in a very specific way. You must start with an apology. Regardless of what you did wrong or what you two argued about the most, it’s important for you to acknowledge your part in that. Obviously, the apology that you’ll present will be different if she left because you cheated but essentially at its foundation it’s all about beginning the process of forgiveness and healing. Let her know that you regret your actions and you’ve learned from them. It’s important that she understands that you’re working hard to become a better person.

    Dating your wife again may seem like a foreign concept given the fact that you’ve been married for some time, but it has a lot of merit when it comes to getting close to her again. She needs to feel that you value her not only as a wife and mother but as a woman as well. If you show her that spending time alone with her is your priority, she’ll open back up. Make an effort to plan dates with her and be a gentlemen. If she sees hints of that man that she first fell in love with she’ll be more inclined to let her guard down and she’ll consider the idea of giving your marriage another try.

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    Source by Gillian Reynolds

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  • 3 Attitudes You Need To Make Marital Conflict Resolution Work

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    One of the biggest contributors to divorce is fatigue and emotional exhaustion. Couples allow things to get so bad that by the time meaningful intervention is sought one or both are unwilling to do what is necessary. You might finally have a solution that works but no longer have the strength or will to act.

    It is very sad when you see a couple get to the point where they lose the will to keep trying. Your attitude will add energy to your relationship or add fuel to the many unresolved conflict causing issues. Trying to do the right thing with the wrong attitude will not bring back the love and passion in your marriage. The 3 attitudes that will help repair, protect and save your marriage are:

    An Attitude of Forgiveness

    As issues are identified they will be directly or indirectly attached to you or your spouse in most instances. If you start seeing yourself or your spouse as ‘The Problem’ this opens doors for resentment. In order to move forward you must have a heart of forgiveness.

    You must be mature enough mentally and emotionally to live out your vows of ‘for better or worse’. We must be able to wake up in the morning knowing that we will have an attitude of forgiveness towards any issue that may arise. Making a proactive decision to forgive prepares you mentally and emotionally to honestly deal with marital issues.

    An Attitude of Friendship

    One of the worst things about constant fights and conflict in marriage is feeling like you lost your best friend. You feel unable to freely express your love and affection. The home becomes a hostile environment that you want to avoid instead of a place of solace, love and passion.

    In marriage you will not always like each other. One of the marriage killers is when a couple stops being friends. Making a proactive decision to remain friends reminds your mind to keep doing nice things for the person you fell in love with, while you are working through an issue. You instinctively want to do nice things for a friend so do not get in the habit of seeing your spouse as the enemy.

    An Attitude of Fidelity

    Divorce happens when one person decides the best option is to leave the marriage. They feel like it is no longer worth it to remain in the relationship. Identification, isolation and improvement have to do with your approach to conflict resolution. Forgiveness, friendship and fidelity have to do with love.

    Marriages are built on love and managed by healthy approaches to everyday living and dealing with issues. It is difficult for a marriage to flourish in love when you have a list of things that will make you seek divorce. Making a proactive decision of fidelity reminds you of your commitment to work through every issue.

    It is impossible for any issue to get the upper hand in your marriage when the attitudes of forgiveness, friendship and fidelity are the foundation of your relationship. Change your attitude and change the course of your marriage.

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    Source by Kerwyn Joseph

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  • How Do I Convince My Husband That I’ve Changed My Ways So He’ll Give Me A Second Chance?

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    It’s an awful feeling to be looking back on your marriage with negative hindsight. Sometimes, we don’t see things clearly enough until we’re faced with actually losing them for good. I recently heard from a wife who was experiencing this first hand. Her husband had left her after finally becoming tired of her constantly bending the truth, not treating him in a respectful way, acting irresponsibly, and taking him for granted.

    She said, in part: “I was furious with my husband when he left me. I was mad that he would give up on our marriage without giving me any warning first. But after I began to think clearly, I realized that he did give me plenty of warnings but I wasn’t always paying attention. I spent the money that he mostly earned like crazy and put us heavily into debt. I would bend the truth about my activities so I could keep on doing exactly what he wanted. He worked hard while I had the fun. If he mentioned not being happy about this to me, I’d call him a stick in the mud or asked him if he was my father. I flirted with other guys and didn’t show him the respect he deserved. He was nothing but loving, loyal, and good to me, but I didn’t fully appreciate him until now. So now I’m at the point where I fully realize my mistakes and am committed to changing my ways. I’ve gotten a better job and have stopped the spending, lying, and partying. But when I tell him this, he looks at me with doubt in his eyes and doesn’t make any further attempts to see me. If he would only give me a second chance, I could and would prove to him that our marriage could be different. Will he give me that second chance? How can I make sure that he does?” I’ll try to answer these questions below.

    Usually, In Order For Your Husband To Give You And Your Marriage A Second Chance, Several Things Need To Happen All At Once: Over time, it became pretty obvious that this wife was sincere. It has been months since her husband had left. And, during that time, she had gotten a job, adjusted her thinking and her behavior, and really embraced a new way of life that the husband had been encouraging and calling for all along.

    The wife was frustrated that she’d made all of these changes and yet, despite her repeatedly detailing her mistakes and how she had changed them, her husband still had not been receptive enough to give her another chance or to come home. In fact, he’d started talking about divorce, which was especially upsetting to her.

    This wife didn’t understand that in order for your husband to give you a second chance or to be open to a reconciliation, several things need to happen, as follows:

    1. Your husband needs to completely believe that, not only have you really and truly changed, but that you understand why you acted the way that you did and are completely remorseful for it. He needs to believe that you now see the attributes in him that you missed before so that you won’t continue to take him for granted.

    2. Your husband needs to believe that the changes that you made are lasting and that you didn’t only “change” for his benefit. Many husbands suspect that as soon as he agrees to give you another chance or comes back home, you’ll eventually get comfortable again and resort back to your old ways so that he’s having to deal with the same behaviors over and over again without any escape.

    3. Once your husband believes that you’ve made lasting realizations and changes, then he has to perceive that continuing in a relationship or marriage with you is going to be better for him (or make him more happy) than to continue to be alone. Sure, he might believe that it’s possible that you’ve changed. But sometimes, he still feels that too much negativity has happened between you to really salvage the marriage. Or, he doubts if things can ever really “be the same” again.

    Identifying And Addressing Any Doubts That Your Husband Might Have About Giving You A Second Chance. Where Is His Reluctance And His Resistance Coming From? Admittedly, I didn’t personally know either the husband or the wife in this scenario. So, I couldn’t pinpoint which of the above 3 factors was keeping the husband from believing his wife or from giving her a second chance. But, if the wife truly observed the husband’s behaviors and listened to the clues he was likely offering her, then she should be able to figure out what truly stood in her way.

    Most of the time, this is a gradual process because you have to hang in there in order to keep going long enough to over come what is usually a husband’s considerable resistance and doubt. In truth, this couple had been married for years and yet the wife’s changes had only been around for a few months. The husband likely still had his doubts that the changes were sincere or were truly going to last. And he may have also had his doubts if the two of them could be happy again after he’d walked out on her and given up on the marriage.

    The best way to address these doubts was to just continue on with what she was doing and to give the process time to work. Because with time, the husband could likely see that she truly was sincere and absolutely meant what she said. It helps if you can somehow let your husband know that you are incorporating these changes even when he’s not watching you. If a mutual friend or family member comments about the changes in you without your being present, this can help.

    Here’s one more point that I would like to make. It’s entirely possible that the husband was slowing warming to the idea that his wife could change, but that he still had his doubts that the marriage could truly be a genuinely easy or happy one. The wife admitted to me that sometimes things were tense when they were together because she was frustrated that her plan didn’t seem to be working. This was something that needed to be avoided in the future.

    It’s vitally important that your husband sees you being light hearted, fun loving, and very easy to be around. The relationship and the conversations should be light and should not feel awkward or forced. I know that this sometimes takes some doing, but if every interaction feels or reads negatively, then this will often just reinforce the husband’s belief that the marriage is too far gone to save.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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