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Stopping Employee Theft in Your Coffee Business

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Regardless to how good of an employer you are, and even if you treat your employees well, understand that employee theft is a reality, and you need to control it. While it may only be a very small percentage of your staff that might steal from you, it can have a significant financial impact on your coffee business. If it goes unnoticed, employees will usually become even more brazen in their activities.

When it comes to theft, your employees are likely to fall into one of the following four categories:

Mr./Ms. honest – these are people who would never think of taking anything if it doesn’t belong to them. If they happen to go home with one of your ballpoint pens, they’ll bring it back the next day, and feel guilty that they took it home, even though it was unintentional.

Incidental theft – these are people that will take home your pen by accident, and will keep it. And, they may scarf a piece of cheesecake occasionally when you aren’t looking, even though they know they shouldn’t. Because these items have minimal value, they have no great sense of guilt related to their activities.

Theft because of need and opportunity – this is when you have an employee who is perhaps living on the edge financially, and because they have the need, and because your security may be lax, they’ll take advantage of an opportune situation to take something.

Compulsive theft – this is the person who is always looking for something to steal, and they have absolutely no conscience about it. They typically rationalize the theft in their own mind. They consider you to be the rich, fat cat, and feel that they are over worked and under paid, so stealing from you is justified.

Employee theft probably exists to some extent within your operation, whether you are aware of it or not. You can most likely live with incidental theft, provided it doesn’t get out of control. Theft related to need and opportunity is, in reality, your fault. These people would probably not steal from you normally, but a lack of security procedures has created the temptation and means for them to do so. Compulsive theft must be discovered, stopped, and you must eliminate the person(s) responsible.

Losing product due to theft:

Your employees may have no desire or need for a sleeve of 12oz. paper cups, Java Jackets, or a roll of toilet paper… but they might like a frozen cake, gallon of chocolate sauce, 6-pack of beer, or a bottle of wine.

There are some simple things you can do to greatly reduce the chance of being ripped-off. First, don’t allow your employees to store their jackets, backpacks, and purses near where you store products. This makes it incredibly simple for someone to slide something into their bag or jacket pocket when no one is watching. I always had my employees store their personal belongings in the cabinet under the cash register (where someone would always be watching), or in my office, under lock & and key.

Second, keep the back door of your store locked with a key at all times (you or your supervisor being the only ones having a key). If customers regularly enter through your back door, this may not be an option. If your back door is an emergency fire exit (and it probably is), you’ll need to install an alarmed breaker-bar. The whole point is that you don’t want your employees to be able to flow in and out of the back door without you knowing about it. Carrying product out the back door to their car, a hiding place for later pick-up, or an awaiting friend, is one of the most common ways products will exit your store.

Once you have made it more difficult to stash things in their personal belongings, or carry them out the back door, employees may resort to hiding items in the trashcan. Of course you will unlock the back door to let them take out the trash. If they have hidden something in the trashcan, a dumpster-diving expedition will certainly be planned for after-hours to recover their treasure.

Periodic trashcan checks should eliminate this problem, or make it a far less appealing option to anyone considering this method to smuggle things out of your store. Buy a long handle 3-prong garden rake. When employees ask to take out the trash, accompany them, and have them hold the can up on the edge of the dumpster while you rake out the trashcan contents. What you are looking for are things that might have been hidden in the trash, but you can tell your employees that you are merely making sure that small wares aren’t being accidentally thrown away. During the 15-years I owned and managed restaurants, I discovered everything from six-packs of beer, bottles of wine, and packages of steaks hidden in the trash!

Another situation that will create an ideal opportunity for employees to steal from you is having only one person working in your store. If your baker comes in each morning a hour before you or the next employee, or if one person is left to clean and lock-up the place at the end of the day, opportunities for theft abound. As the old saying goes: when the cat’s away…

Always try to have at least two people in your store at all times. If there is not justification for having a second employee on the clock, then you will need to be that second person. If this requires you going from a 60-hour workweek to 80-hours, then this may not be a tolerable option. If this is the case, then at least invest a couple of hours more each day for a week or two to do some detective work.

During those times of day when only one employee is working, park at the far end of the parking lot, or across the street, so that you will reduce the chance of being noticed by your employee. If they are familiar with your vehicle, use your spouse’s or friend’s vehicle for a few days. Watch carefully (with binoculars if necessary). I know this all sounds a little CSI – like, but better to rest-easy, feeling fairly assured that your employee isn’t carrying away your store when you’re not watching. If I had the time, I could tell you countless stories of my experiences in catching employees red handed, loading the trunks of their cars.

If you suspect that theft of product might be occurring, but you’ve seen no direct evidence of it, then conducting a daily key item inventory may shed some light on the situation. Write down a list of 15 to 20 products that you think would be most appealing for someone to steal. In your coffee business, this might include items such as coffee, syrups and sauces, smoothie puree, biscotti, cookies, and desserts, sandwich meats & cheeses, and of course beer & wine (if you serve those from your operation). Then take an inventory of these items every day. Your employees don’t need to know what you are doing, and if they ask, simply tell them you are taking an inventory for ordering purposes.

What you are looking for are anomalies in usage. For example, let’s say that from your daily inventories you assess that you use about half a gallon of chocolate sauce per day. Then, one day you notice you used 1 1/2 gallons of chocolate the previous day. This should send up a red flag! Why did you go through an extra gallon of chocolate? Were you significantly busier yesterday, or did you featuring several drink specials which contained chocolate sauce? A quick review of individual item sales from yesterday’s cash register report should provide you with the answer. If you average one ounce of chocolate per beverage, then using 1 1/2 gallons means you should have sold approximately 192 beverages containing chocolate (128 oz. per gal. x 1.5 = 192). If this was the case, no problem. But, if you discover that you only sold 64 beverages containing chocolate, then 128 oz. (or 1 gallon) is unaccounted for and missing! A good indication that it probably walked out the door. If this happens, keep track of who was working on the day of the shortage. If this happens continually, eventually you will discover that the same person or persons were working every time.

Theft of money by employees:

Hopefully, none of your employees will have the desire to steal products from you, but some will be tempted by the lure of cold, hard, cash. Everyone could use an extra $20 a day. Employees who steal money from you will definitely hurt your bottom line, and must be eliminated.

The first way to reduce cash theft is to have a cash handling policy in place that will discourage theft. If multiple employees are using the cash register, and no one person is responsible, then I can almost guarantee that your cash drawer will keep coming up short on a regular basis. The fact that no one person can be held responsible for the shortages, will make grabbing a bill or two easy and appealing.

Implement a policy that one, and only one person is responsible for the cash register for the entire shift. They should count the drawer at the beginning of their shift to verify that they are starting with the designated change bank. Then, they should be the only person to ring up sales and make change. Even you, the owner/manger, should keep your hands out of their cash drawer. Finally, at the end of their shift, they should set aside the amount they started with in the change drawer, and total all the remaining cash, checks, and charges, and balance against what was rung up on the register. If they started with the right amount of money in the cash drawer, rang everything up, took all the money, counted back all the change, and they end up short… who’s fault is it? It can only be theirs. By implementing this simple policy, I once took an operation that was coming up $100 a day ($3,000 a month) cash short, and reduced it to $3 a day, in just 30 days! That’s over a $2,900 bottom line improvement, (in case you didn’t do the math)!

The other common method that a cashier might use to steal money from you is by using a method called, building a bank. This is the process of not ringing up items on the cash register, while still taking money from the customers, and then pocketing that money. Typically, they will obscure the view of the cash register display on the customer’s side with something like a flower, retail merchandise, or by turning the display so that it cannot be easily seen. Then, they will pretend to ring up an item, but will hit the no sale key instead, popping the drawer open so they can take the cash and make change, but in reality, they haven’t rung up anything. The other thing they might do when it is busy is to just not shut the drawer between transactions. They simply convey verbally the cost of items ordered by customers and take the cash, but once again, nothing has been rung up.

A cash register that prints out the order on a remote receipt printer to the person who will be preparing the item, can eliminate this problem. Quite simply, if the item isn’t rung-up, it won’t print out. If your barista or cook won’t prepare anything without a receipt (and they shouldn’t!), it will force your cashier to ring everything up.

If you observe that the cash register’s display has been blocked from the customer’s view, or there are an excessive number of no sale indications on your cash register’s detail tape, or notice that your cashier is not shutting the drawer between transactions, beware! While these may not be indisputable proof that your cashier is stealing from you, they should certainly heighten your vigilance to find out if something is going on.

If your coffee business only warrants having one employee working at a time, perhaps because you own a cart, kiosk, or low volume drive-through operation, then how do you go about keeping your employee from building a bank and stealing from you? The best solution I’ve seen is to turn your customers in to watchdogs. Affix a sign to the front of your cash register, in plain sight of the customer, that reads: If you don’t receive a receipt with your order, it’s FREE! This will force your cashier to hand each customer a receipt for their purchase. If they are building a bank, this means they will have to hand the customer a receipt that says – NO SALE; something they probably won’t fell comfortable doing!

The financial impact of theft of money can be extremely damaging, for example: Let’s say you have a cashier who is skimming off $20 a day by not ringing things up, and then pocketing the money. Not only did you loose the stolen $20, but the $7 of ingredients that were probably used to produce the ordered products; ($20 x 35% ingredient cost = $7.00). So in reality, you lost $27, and it will take an additional $41.54 in sales, to recover this loss; ($41.54 x 65% gross profit = $27). $27 a day lost to theft, X 21 days worked by the employee = $567 lost cash & product per month; $872 extra sales required to offset this loss. (Annual loss, $6,804; $10,468 in additional income required to offset loss.) You must stop theft of money!

Theft of money management:

If you have a manger running your operation for you, this can really create an opportunity for cash theft. Just about anyone who has ever run a food service operation (self included), probably felt that they were over-worked and under-paid. Some are tempted to grant themselves an unapproved raise. Your manger has the control key to the cash register, which means they have the ability to back off items that were sold. You would be wise to check your cash register detail tapes on a regular basis. If you see multiple items backed off in groups, or more worrisome yet, all backed off at the very end of the shift, beware!

A good way to keep this from happening is to establish a policy that no over-rings are to be backed off of sales on the cash register with the management control key. Instead, when the cashier makes an over-ring, they should take the receipt, write over-ring on it, sign it, and put it in the cash drawer. At the end of the shift, the total of all over-rings should be manually backed off of the sales total indicated on the cash register report.

Many years ago I had a manager that was stealing money from me in another creative way. This manager, who opened the store each day, would reset the cash register by Z-ing it out after the first half hour of business. He would then pocket the proceeds earned during that first half hour. Because additional sales were generated during the second half hour, the cash register hourly sales report would always show sales for the first hour of operation, thus eliminating any suspicion that something might be going on.

It wasn’t until I was doing a routine audit of cash register Z tapes that I noticed something wasn’t right. When you run a Z report, which resets the cash register at the end of each day, a multi-digit number will usually be printed somewhere on that tape. The next time you Z the register, that number will advance by one digit. I noticed that even though the tapes were sequential in date, every other number was missing. This tipped me off that the register was being Z-ed twice a day! When I confronted my manager with the tapes, his look of panic spoke volumes.

If you are doubting the honesty of any of your employees or managers, one way you can verify or eliminate your suspicion is by baiting the cash drawer. Slip an extra $20 bill in the drawer sometime during the day when they aren’t watching. If they don’t end up reporting at the end of their shift that they were $20 cash-over, I’ll do it a second time (just to make sure). If they don’t report it a second time, you should have no doubts that they are indeed, dishonest.

NEVER accuse an employee or manger of stealing unless you catch them red-handed (actually stuffing money into their pockets). Even though the circumstantial evidence may be overwhelming, unless you actually catch them in the act, they are likely to deny your accusations, and will probably file a complaint against you with the department of labor! The brief moment of satisfaction you will gain from letting them know you are aware of what they’ve been doing, will be quickly overwhelmed by the legal predicament you will find yourself in. You will be far better off to not make accusations. Simply terminate their employment. In many states, you do not need to provide a reason as to why you are letting them go. When they ask for an explanation as to why you are firing them, simply say: I don’t need to give you a reason, I’m just letting you go, goodbye!

Finally, don’t over look technology to help you with security. Surveillance cameras linked to a DVR (digital video recorder) can provide you with peace of mind, or evidence of theft. These systems have become very affordable, and many are easy to install. The value of these cameras go beyond having a video record of operations. The mere fact that employees understand that their activities are being video recorded, will usually discourage them from doing things that they might not think twice about, if no one was watching.

I think it’s important to not be paranoid about employee theft. Certainly, you don’t want to be constantly obsessed with the suspicion that everyone is stealing from you. In reality, the majority of your employees are probably honest people. But, you would be wise to establish some simple safeguards, and maintain a watchful eye.

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Source by Ed Arvidson

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February 6, 2020
Christian Healing Ministries That Heal Stress and Addictions

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Jesus Christ is the focus of Christian healing ministries that are freeing people from the pain associated with unhealthy lifestyles. There is no limit on the healing power of Jesus Christ. If you are seeking: healing addictions, healing sexual abuse and healing stress: Jesus cares about those things that are plaguing you and here are some Biblical steps that you can take. Spiritual healing is available that will reach deep into a person’s soul to bring healing from these common torments that are destroying the peace and joy that is available through Jesus Christ.

Healing Stress
Negative emotions are damaging to the body. Modern life is often characterized by a mounting sea of daily pressures and stressful events which are coming at us from every direction. However, the real culprit behind stress and stress related illnesses is not the situations and daily pressures that are bombarding us. The real culprit behind stress is the emotional reactions that we are experiencing on the inside of us. These emotions can generate sickness within our body. Negative emotions release chemical reactions in the body and the brain. These reactions affect organs on every level including the stomach, heart, large muscles, and the cells throughout the entire body. The most dangerous emotions include: un-forgiveness, depression, rage, anger, worry, fear, grief, guilt and frustration.

What many don’t realize is that these negative emotions are sins which not only cause disease, they also separate us from God. But don’t be discouraged! There is good news in this truth and that good news is that there is a way out from disease and the entrapment of negative attitudes and emotions that may have affected our personality. Jesus died so that we can be free of sin’s penalty and from its power. We can be set free of negative emotions which cause sickness and stress by learning how to carry our negative emotions captive to Christ (2Co 10:5). Healing stress can bring forth physical healings in our bodies from diseases that we may be experiencing. It always carries us closer to Christ.

Healing sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is a traumatic experience that causes deep feelings of rejection within the abused person. Sins against us whether they are verbal, physical, or sexual are tremendously painful experiences which can leave us experiencing symptoms in our personalities such as shyness, perfectionism, exhibitionists, and high achievers. Healing sexual abuse is necessary in order to experience the freedom of life without seeking the approval of others. The deep-rooted pain can cause a person to hide their real self from others and even from God. Healing sexual abuse will result in meaningful relationships and purposeful lives which are filled with true intimacy with others and with God.

Healing Addictions
Addiction is bondage in our lives. Spiritual/emotional bondage is anything in our lives that controls us or rules us. God-and the peace and freedom He gives us-is to be our master, not sin. Some things that are good can become addictions when moderation is passed such as eating, work, relationships, shopping, prescription drugs and entertainment. Other addictions are based on things that are not good to begin with such as gambling, foul language, illegal drug use, and pornography. True freedom from addiction and healing addictions begins with allowing God to work on your emotional life and honestly admitting deep down inside that you need His help to help you surrender and stay surrendered to His leadership in your life.

Healing stress, healing addiction, and healing sexual abuse are only possible through the power of the cross. When you receive Jesus Christ as your savior you receive the Spirit of Jesus Christ within you. Becoming a new man is not always immediately visible outwardly, but as you seek God through the truths found in the Bible you will experience freedom in your life as never before. Christ in you is the hope of glory (Col 1:27):
To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

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Source by Scott J Thomas

Views: 0

February 5, 2020
How to Attract Wealth by Altering Your Invisible Field?

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Wealth attraction means more than just inviting more money into your life. It means having fulfilling relationships, love, wealth, health, career and success. If you agree that money is not the only yardstick for wealth, and like to know how to attract wealth by altering your invisible field, you are in the right place.

First, what is this invisible field? It is the aura that surrounds us. Most of us can’t see this glowing field, but certainly we can feel it.

Think about this: Have you ever experienced someone standing quietly behind you? It might be your boss watching what you were doing, or a friend planning to give you a surprise. For whatever reason, you would have felt their presence unless you were overly engrossed in your task. The reason why you could feel it was because another invisible field impinged into yours. And that invisible field is the aura.

Our aura is not only invisible, it is also magnetic. What you attract into your life first manifests in your aura, then in reality. Of course, the manifestation in the aura is not in term of events or objects. Instead, it shows in the shade, shape, condition and colors of the aura.

Simply put, by changing your aura, you can attract abundance. So how to attract wealth by changing the aura? The 5 step formula for manifesting abundance are as follows:

1) Create a Clear Picture of Your Desire – First is to be clear and concise on what you want. For simplicity, let’s say you want more money. Write down the amount. Start with what you expect to have 3, 6 and 12 months from now. Check your emotions when you put down the value. If you feel uneasy, adjust the amount till you feel manageable.

Based on the amount you have written, see yourself celebrating and holding more money progressively.

2) Get the Aura Tool for Wealth – The truth is you can use visualization to change your aura. But it is easier and faster with crystal. Why crystal? How does it work? The vibe of each type of crystal is unique, consistent and pure. Because of this special characteristic, each crystal has an aura of specific shade and color.

By leveraging on these stones we can alter our aura to attract wealth. But how to attract wealth with crystal?

Depending on your definition of wealth, first select a suitable crystal. But since we used money as the example earlier, let’s continue with it.

For money, we will go with citrine. This stone is a renowned money magnet and mood lifter. Get a citrine crystal sphere of 2 inches or more – the bigger, the better.

3) Preparing your Wealth Tool – You need to cleanse, charge and program it with the wealth images you have created in step 1.

Soak the citrine in sea salt water overnight. Rinse with distilled or filtered water and sun it for about half hour. Next place the citrine on your left palm and visualize the images you have created earlier. During visualization, stay relaxed, happy and fulfilled.

4) Wealth Meditation – In step 4 on how to attract wealth, meditate with the citrine. You can adopt the “sitting on char”, half lotus or full lotus posture. Hold your citrine in your left hand and firmly supported with the right below.

Meditate for 30 minutes for 7 consecutive days. It will be better to do it for 49 days straight. During meditation, again visualize the created images to reinforce the wealth attraction power.

5) Release the Feeling – At the end of the meditation, let go of the images and feelings. Place the citrine by the side of your bed and carry on your usual daily tasks.

With the help of citrine, you have infused your aura with the right shade and colors for wealth attraction. Congratulation!

Having learned how to attract wealth by changing your aura colors, you must be impressed with what crystals can do for you.

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Source by Glen Lim

Views: 0

February 5, 2020
An Unusual Way to Get Rich – Create a Flea Market Small-Business Empire With Wholesale Products

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FACT: Many people earn $1,000 per day (that’s $104,000 per year) just selling at flea markets and swap meets on weekends. (I’ve actually made more than that on some days.) Most people think we are just a bunch of poor folks trying to make an extra dollar, and that’s exactly what we want them to think.

What do we know that you don’t? What are our secrets? Can you do it?

Yes. Anyone can sell at flea markets and become wealthy…and I’m going to tell you exactly how right here.

Becoming a flea market vendor is easy and affordable. Your expenses will be the cost of your merchandise and space rent. Daily rent for an outside space can be as little as $5-$10 per day. Many people begin by selling used items and move into selling brand new items purchased from wholesale companies. New items outsell used items two to one and have a higher profit ratio.

Most people already have a table or two they can bring with them. I actually began my flea market and swap meet business with only $200 and a couple card tables I borrowed. I now earn thousands of dollars every month without fail. (Of course, the more money you have to buy merchandise, the faster your new business will grow.)

The key is to let your new business grow. Don’t kill it by taking all the profits out of it! I suggest that you have a job or another source of income to cover your living expenses for at least the first six months after starting your new business.

There’s an old adage in this business: ‘The more you have, the more you’ll sell.’ Believe me, it is true! Take that to heart and put all of your profits into buying more merchandise, so you’ll have even more to sell the next weekend.

Who do you think most shoppers will go to, the guy sitting there with four items on a single card table or three spaces across the aisle from him literally loaded with millions of different items? If you think you have enough merchandise, you don’t.

If you use your profits to build your business and buy more merchandise every week it won’t be more than a few months before your sales rapidly increase and you can begin keeping some of the profits for yourself without killing it.

If you live in a northern climate that is cold in winter or a southern climate that is hot and humid during summer, you might consider renting a space inside a flea market building. Yes, your space rent will go up a bit, but you’ll have the advantage of heat and air conditioning (comfortable shoppers spend more money), as well as a secure enclosure for your tables and merchandise during the week when the market is closed.

Once your first small business is running well, use the profits from it to open a second small business at the same flea market or swap meet, selling a different type of merchandise. Expanding is as simple as renting another space and hiring someone to run it for you. Again, your costs will only be merchandise and space rent and whatever you pay your help. (Be good to them and they will be very good to you.) Just as with your first business, put the profits back into your second business and allow it to build.

The profits from two small businesses will allow you to open a third small business with ease. Do the same as you did before and allow your third business to grow. Put the money back into it by purchasing more merchandise.

Then open a fourth, a fifth, a sixth small business at the same flea market. It’s not only possible but almost guaranteed that if you will do that you will create your own small business empire in less than one year and have a yearly income in excess of $100,000 after expenses.

If you just put the profit back into your first new business, it will grow without another penny out of your pocket. The profits will allow you to open a second, a third and so on. You don’t need a small business loan to get started.

Plus, you are not limited to just one flea market or swap meet. There may be other markets within 20 or 30 miles of you, where you can do the very same thing and multiply your earnings.

If you follow this simple yet effective formula it won’t be long before you can stop selling at flea markets yourself and just become a manager, overseeing your small business empire and stepping in to give your employees breaks.

Once you are making a very good income, consider other ways to invest your money to make even more profit, such as opening your own wholesale house and selling merchandise to flea market vendors and make even more.

Flea markets and swap meets are an excellent venue in which the average person may start their own small business and become wealthy by creating a small business empire.

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Source by Allen Farlow

Views: 0

February 4, 2020
Created To Bond – Changes That Heal Part II
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Failure To Develop Relationships

Emotional ties have a dramatic effect on our well-being. When one fails to develop relationships or bond with others, it can and often does affect their ability to stave off or recover from a variety of not only physical but also emotional ills. When they learn to attach to and trust others, they begin to develop not only emotionally, but also psychologically. Thus, their ability to bond with others… to become closely knit, often carryover into their home life.

When a child is distressed, he/she may show unusual signs such as increased pulse, increased or labored respiration, helplessness, and hopelessness and may easily become enraged. These signs are often seen when the biological parent remarries and the child tends to believe that he/she must compete with the step-parent for the biological parent’s attention.

When the adoptive or step-parent enters the situation with food, physical contact, compassion and other help, the child learns her parents can meet her needs. The child is then more active and able to respond to stimulation such as playing. When the child is content, she is able to sleep and feel comfortable in her surroundings.

According to Deborah Gray, author of Attaching in Adoption, “attachment is a relationship formed primarily with members of the family and requires more time and interaction to be created. Attachment is what most adoptive parents are referring to when they talk about bonding with their child. Adopted children of all ages may have an attachment to their birth family, even if the relationship was neglectful or abusive. Many adoption experts agree that if a child can form an attachment to birth and foster parents, she will have the skills to attach to her adoptive family as well.”

Signs of Secure Attachment

The parental attachment process can often take weeks or years to fully develop, and in some cases there maybe pervasive attachment disorders for which professional therapy will be required. A strong indicator of whether attachment is taking place is the comfort with which the adoptive or step-parent is able to recognize the child’s needs. It is important to remember that the repetition of parents meeting a child’s needs is the foundation of forming a secure attachment with children of all ages, not just infants.

The attachment bond shapes an infant’s brain

The attachment bond is the term for our first interactive love relationship-the one we had with our primary caregivers, that is, our mothers. The mother-child attachment bond is instrumental in shaping infants brains. This important attachment profoundly influences our self-esteem, our expectations of others, and our ability to attract and maintain successful relationships. So, the success, or failure, of our first love-the attachment bond-has a life-long effect.

Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:
- feel safe
- develop meaningful connections with others
- explore our world
- deal with stress
- balance emotions
- experience comfort and security
- make sense of our lives
- create positive memories and expectations of relationships
Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers do not have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in agreement with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

We were born with an innate or preprogrammed need to bond with one very significant person-our primary caregiver, usually our mother. Like all infants, you were a small bundle of disjointed emotions-intensely experiencing fear, anger, sadness, and joy, often at the same time. The natural emotional attachment that grew between you and your caregiver was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. Therefore, the bonding you experienced in this relationship determined how you would relate to other people throughout your life. This bonding relationship established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships.

For better or worse, the attachment bond profoundly influences the infant brain. It is a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic.

People who fail to establish this type of bonding relationship often experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during their infancy and often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This hampers their ability to establish, build and/or maintain attachments leading to successful relationships.

What is Attachment?

Attachment is the relationship between infants and their primary caregivers-is responsible for:
- shaping the success or failure of future intimate relationships
- the ability to maintain a normal emotional balance
- the ability to enjoy being ourselves and to find satisfaction in being with others
- the ability to successfully rebound from various disappointments, discouragement, and misfortune
Many scientific studies of the brain-and the primary role attachment plays in shaping it-has given us a new basis for understanding why vast numbers of people have great difficulty communicating with the most important individuals in their work and love lives. Once, we could only use guesswork to try and determine why important relationships never evolved, or developed chronic problems, or fell apart. Now, thanks to new insights into brain development, we can understand what it takes to help build and nurture productive and meaningful relationships at home and at work.

What is the attachment bond?

The mother-child bond is the primary force in infant development, according to the attachment bond theory pioneered by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through worldwide scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology.

The attachment bond theory states that the relationship between infants and primary caretakers is responsible for:
- shaping all of our future relationships
- strengthening or damaging our abilities to focus, be conscious of our feelings, and calm ourselves
- the ability to bounce back from misfortune
Scientific research reveals the infant/adult interactions that result in a successful, secure attachment, where both people are aware of the other’s feelings and emotions is the necessary precursor for successful relationships. These studies also reveal troubled, or insecure attachment, in which the communication of feelings fails thus resulting in an inability to form the bind needed to establish a solid relationship. Researchers found that in order to have successful adult relationships there must exist in us and we must depend on the ability to:
- manage stress
- stay “tuned in” with emotions
- use communicative body language
- be playful in a mutually engaging manner
- be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges
The same research also found that when an insecure attachment exists some type of abuse may have caused it, but it is just as likely to be caused by isolation or loneliness. These recent discoveries offer a new glimpse into successful love relationships. Taking these observations into account often provides the keys to identifying and repairing a love relationship that is strained or falling apart.

Insecure attachment affects adult relationships

Insecurity can be a significant problem in all of our lives, and it usually takes root when an infant’s attachment bond fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord. These insecurities may lead us to:
- Tune out and turn off-Most often, if our parent is unavailable and self-absorbed, we may-as children-get lost in our own inner world, we become introverted, avoiding any close, emotional connections. This often causes us as adults to become physically and emotionally distant in relationships.
- Remain insecure-If we have parents who are inconsistent or intrusive, it’s more than likely that we will become unrealistically anxious and fearful, never knowing what to expect. Then as adults, we may become willingly available one moment and totally rejecting the next.
- Become disorganized, aggressive and angry-When our early needs for emotional closeness and comfort is neglected, or when a parent’s erratic behavior is a source of disorienting terror, emotional problems are sure to follow. As we grow into adults, we may lack the ability to love easily and may unknowingly be insensitive to the needs of our partner.
- Develop slowly-Problems often occur when we fail to develop as rapidly as we should, both emotionally and intellectually. Such developmental delays often manifest themselves in the form of deficits and often result in subsequent physical and mental health problems, and generally lead to social and learning disabilities.
Lessons Learned From Our Attachment Bond

There are many powerful, life-altering lessons we learn from our attachment bond-our first love relationship continues to teach us as adults. The gut-level knowledge we gained from this bond then guides us in improving our adult relationships and making them secure.

Lesson No. 1-All adult relationships depend on nonverbal forms of communication for their success. These nonverbal communication skills are learned in infancy. Newborn infants cannot talk, reason or plan; yet they are equipped to make sure their needs are met. Infants don’t know what they need, they feel what they need, and communicate accordingly. When an infant communicates with a caretaker who understands and meets their physical and emotional needs an attachment takes place and the strength of that attachment influences other relationships later in life.

Lesson No. 2-Relationships in which the parties are tuned in to each other’s emotions are called attuned relationships, and attuned relationships teach us that:
- nonverbal cues deeply impact our love relationships
- as we play it helps us smooth over the turbulent times we endure in love relationships
- inevitable conflicts can build trusting relationships if we approach them without fear or a need to punish or retaliate
When we can recognize knee-jerk memories, perceive expectations, inappropriate attitudes, unfounded assumptions and improper behaviors as problems resulting from insecure attachment bonds, we can squelch their influence and their effect on our adult relationships. That recognition allows us to readily reconstruct the healthy nonverbal communication skills that ultimately produce an attuned attachment and successful relationship.

Becoming an Adult and Relationship Orientation

As we grow into adulthood, for the most part we bring with us the ideas and communication lessons we have learned from the time of our infancy. Whether these are good or bad depends on our ability to not only view life from our perspective but also have the ability and the willingness to see things from the other person’s point of view as well. When we are able to do that, then we are in a more astute position to deal with situations and circumstances that are adverse to us.

As we move through the adolescent stage of life we find ourselves at odds not only with others but also with ourselves. We want to be an adult with all of its rights and privileges sooner that we can become one, yet at the same time we want to abdicate the responsibility that goes with that station in life. It is a time of being able to make your own decisions and taking authority over your own life, but you are not there yet. You must learn to maintain control of your impulsiveness and your inhibitions. You must be able to objectionably reevaluate your beliefs, see your parents and authority figures realistically, recognize and pursue your God-given talents and goals, and be willing to take ultimate responsibility for yourself. Finally you must be able to accept and appreciate people who are different.

This ability helps us to be able to accept the good and the bad because we are able to address situations in a mature manner. When we are able to do this, we place ourselves into a position of strength, resulting in a proper evaluation of ourselves. Thus we are able to overcome some of the most persistent problems we face daily because now we are not only able to see things in black and white but also in the various shades of gray. As such, we are able to make allowances for our and other peoples mistakes.

We at that point come to realize that everything in life doesn’t have to go our way in order for us to be happy. We gain a new perspective on ourselves, others and God as a result of our changed thinking. We are then able to deal with each other with mercy, in grace, with the understanding that we too make mistakes. When we move into the realm of tolerance and forgiveness, we are able to love others without them having to be perfect.

Yet, in order to accomplish the task and responsibility of growing up we must also be willing to take responsibility and be accountable for those things of which we have been put in charge. Those things include our attitude, tongue, and actions. As we continue to grow in stature and wisdom the maturity level of our life should also increase proportionately.

Differences Between Men And Women

From my experience in dealing with women, (my mother, aunts, seven sisters and many friends and associates) I find that the majority of women are generally oriented towards their existing friendship networks whereas men were more interested in meeting new people and finding people who had similar interests — in other words, men would rather enjoy the adventure of reaching out to new people rather than cementing their existing relationships.

These results contribute to the growing research on social capital, networking and highlight the importance of examining specific interactive applications. The importance of distinguishing between strong and weak ties plays a major role in establishing new relationships. Also, it is necessary to consider the importance of taking into account gender differences in social interaction patterns. Whereas, women increase their bonding social capital as a result of using these sites but men do not. Women, on the other hand, show a decrease in bonding social capital with those whom they meet outside of their normal sphere of influence.

The fear of incorporating emotional intimacy into these association/relationships is mainly due to a fear of rejection and engulfment – a fear of losing the other and/or losing yourself. To overcome this obstacle you must be able to establish an inner bond with yourself. Inner Bonding is a transformational process for healing the fear of intimacy related ideas that have been carried from past experiences.

The mental visualization of these experiences often cause us to digress into a self-contained state of emotional security that hinders our ability to openly tolerate the inconsistencies we see in others. As a result, we ourselves are moved to a protective state and therefore unable to deal with the negative feelings that we will invariably experience. This barrier can block us from resolving issues that in reality are non-issues.

The Immaturity In Adolescence

Struggles with adolescent identity and depression usually set in when an adolescent experiences a loss. The most important loss in their lives is the changing relationship between the adolescent and their parents. Adolescents may also experience strife in their relationships with friends. This may be due to the activities their friends take part in, such as smoking, which causes adolescents to feel as though participating in such activities themselves is likely essential to maintaining these friendships. Teen depression can be extremely intense at times because of physical and hormonal changes but emotional instability is part of adolescence. Their changing mind, body and relationships often present themselves as stressful and that change, they assume, is something to be feared.

Your experiences in life help you to mature. The maturity is developed when you know you have no one to blame for the past but the circumstances and your immaturity. Oftentimes your immaturity stopped you from having a proper perspective of the facts facts and seeing things as they were. This made you blame others for your sufferings. You may have created and escalated your suffering without realizing the facts and circumstances and taking a easy way out by holding others responsible for it.

You feel you are always on the receiving end of every wrong or perceived wrong due to your immaturity. However, life has a knack of replaying memories and after few years it recreates the same circumstances but this time puts you on the opposite side (giving end), you are left with no choice but to accept the fact that you were so immature then and have grow-up with years. As you mature, life makes you see your ‘old you’ in somebody else now in these replaying of circumstances and you know that the other person still has to wait years ahead to grow and realize these facts.

Maturity slowly leads to wisdom when you know that it is only you who has to stand up and take responsibility for your past – action / inaction, sufferings / failures instead of holding others responsible. It is truly said that you create your own happiness. By blaming others and holding grudges you keep happiness at bay and give way to hatred and self pity. However, with time and wisdom when you accept the responsibility for your sufferings and embrace all your successes without pride -you are truly happy.

Divorce And Its Affects On Maturity

Children of divorced parents often bitterly vow not to repeat the same mistakes. They want to avoid putting themselves and their own children through the pain that comes from the dissolution of a marriage. But, according to University of Utah researcher Nicholas H. Wolfinger, these children’s aspirations face unfavorable odds. “Growing up in a divorced family greatly increases the chances of ending one’s own marriage, a phenomenon called the divorce cycle or the intergenerational transmission of divorce.” Dr. Wolfinger has spent almost a decade studying the marriages of children from divorced homes in America. These children are more likely to marry during their teenage years, cohabitate and marry someone who is also a child of divorced parents. And they are also one-third less likely to marry if they are over age 20.

“Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in Their Own Marriages,” by Wolfinger, published by Cambridge University Press, contains important information for those interested in divorce and its repercussions. “Divorce is an important topic because it has so many consequences for well-being,” writes Wolfinger,

“Its transmission between generations adds a whole new dimension by perpetuating the cycle of divorce. The divorce cycle, in short, can be thought of as a cascade. Ending a marriage starts a cycle that threatens to affect increasing numbers of people over time, a sobering thought in an era when half of all new marriages fail.” His research also suggests that if one spouse comes from divorced parents, the couple may be up to twice as likely to divorce. Spouses who are both children of divorced parents are three times more likely to divorce as couples who both hail from intact families.

Besides observing the marital stability of the offspring of divorced couples, Wolfinger’s book provides another perspective on how parental divorce affects offspring marriage timing, mate selection, cohabitating relationships as well as historical trends in the divorce cycle. Wolfinger also explores the divorce reform movement in America and argues in favor of no-fault divorce laws, arguing that a return to an age of tough divorce laws would recreate the social conditions that used to make divorce harder on children.

It is my opinion considering all that has been written on this subject that one reason children from divorced families get divorced more often is because they have a tendency to marry as teenagers. Social history demonstrates that the older you are when you marry, the less likely you are to get divorced. It’s good advice for everyone.”

On the other hand, the more transitions children experience while growing up, the more they will experience as adults. Taking this into consideration, the question that needs to be asked is, “What is the hardest for kids is how many disruptions they experience — the up-and-down cycles.

This is a valid question because many children will have stepparents, and some will see their new families dissolve. This type of disruption occurs any time they lose a parent — except from death. That’s different, and doesn’t have the same negative effects on children… whereas divorce is ambiguous. Children wonder whether the divorce was their fault or who is to blame. And they wonder ‘Is he coming back?’” It is certainly good news that people are less likely to stay in high conflict marriages than they used to. However, “ending a low-conflict marriage may hurt children as much as staying in a high-conflict family,” and the odds of divorce transmission are actually highest if parents dissolve a marriage after little or no conflict. It therefore behooves us to evaluate the effects divorce will have upon our children and their emotional well being should we decide to travel that road.

But before making that decision, we should honestly examine ourselves and the motivating things that are moving us in that direction. This inventory, if prayerfully done will allow us to see the other persons point of view more clearly and thereby make the necessary adjustments, where warranted, to resolve the issues that precipitated situation to begin with. If we are truly willing to continue the relationship, then we must take the necessary steps needed to resolve the issues of what is good or bad by first considering what we could have done to alleviate the problem rather than casting blame. When we allow the power of forgiveness to flow in us we cannot only deal with the past and present, but also the future as bonds are cemented.

Gray, Deborah. Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents. Indiana:Perspectives Press Inc., 2002.

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Source by Franklyn T. Johnson, Ph.D

Views: 0
February 3, 2020
Personal or Team Accountability In Multi-Level Marketing – Which Is More Important?

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Personal and Team Accountability Are Both Keys to MLM Success

You’ve started your own network marketing business. You’ve teamed with a great company who has products you believe in, you’ve made your time commitment, and you start to generate interest in your business. You’re enthusiastic, you sell some product, maybe even add a few people to your downline. It seems you’re putting a lot of effort into your new business. But after a couple of months, you think “why am I getting nowhere fast?”

The vast majority of those who start an MLM business fail – historically as many as 95%. Some lose their investment entirely, some break even, some even make a little money.

There are a number of reasons why.

Many MLM’ers may not succeed because they don’t pay attention to a key component of their business. Accountability.

Webster’s defines “accountability” as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions”, “to be accountable or answerable”.

You may think – “It’s my own business, I’m independent, who do I need to be accountable to?” The answer is you.

The Importance of Personal Accountability

Many of us have used day planners, call logs, activity reports, and all manner of reports to track and manage our day, and report to our bosses who we have seen, what we sold and what we accomplished every day or week. Wouldn’t that be a good idea for you and your business?

Daily goals and visualization go a long way to creating a thriving business. What’s really needed is a format to track this information. Some of you may have trackers for your business. Do they incorporate your goals? Do they help you have a clear picture of your business? Are they simple and easy to use? If not, look for one that fits your needs, and use it religiously.

Team Accountability Is Just As Important

Multi-level marketing, along with practically any other business, functions best if the drivers and the followers all know where the team is going. Communication among team members is crucial. Communicating to your downline is just as important – just letting them know you are there to help them in any way possible can be motivating. Remember, if your downline succeeds, you succeed.

Personal and Team Accountability – can they work for you? Absolutely. Be dedicated, work hard and be accountable. Do it, and be amazed at the results!

For more about Accountability, and a free Accountability Tracker, go here.

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Source by Horace Calvert

Views: 0

February 3, 2020
Alternative Treatment for Smelly Vagina – Can the Black Seed Treatment Cure Yeast Infections?
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Some women are still having problems of smelly vagina although they have been washing it every day. If this is your case, you should realize by now that symptoms of smelly vagina could be a signal of candida yeast infection. This is especially true, if the bad odor is accompanied by severe itch, thick white discharge, soreness and inflammation on the vagina area.

Treating candida yeast infection can be rather tricky. Most people who conveniently bought over the counter medications to treat their yeast infections will more often than not be facing recurring symptoms once they stopped taking them. Worst, some of them are even affected by the medications’ side effects.

Fortunately, there are alternative treatment for smelly vagina that is available which will actually cure candida yeast infection at the same time. You can do the the following tips to treat smelly vagina and yeast infection symptoms.
1. Apple Cider Vinegar – Wipe the your vagina with a combination of apple cider vinegar and warm water solutions after shower.
2. Nigella Sativa Oil – Mix a tablespoon of Nigella Sativa oil (Black seed oil) with a tablespoon of olive oil. Rub this potent mixture on the affected areas including the inside of the vagina and leave it for about 20-30 minutes before you can wash them off.
3. Yogurt – Alternatively, you can also apply pure unsweetened yogurt on the vagina to speed up recovery. Use all of the above as and when necessary until you can see positive results from them.
This alternative treatment for smelly vagina will produce even better results to your total well-being if they are included in your daily diet. The benefits of Nigella Sativa are simply too much to be listed here. Dubbed as the “cure to all ailments” by medical experts, Nigella Sativa’s potency in curing yeast infection is simply amazing.

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Source by Sam Simon

Views: 0
February 2, 2020
Book Summary: Unlimited Wealth – Theory and Practice of Economic Alchemy by Paul Zane Pilzer

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The basics of economics are supply, demand and scarcity. Economics best describes how to divide these scarce resources up amongst a growing population. Paul Pilzer takes a very different approach to Economics. He believes in Unlimited Wealth and shows examples of why technology and human ingenuity are the keys that unlock that wealth.

Why is this important to me?

I am not doing this summary to waste your time. It is my vision to provide concise action steps that you can adopt right now to enhance your financial life. Paul Pilzer writes of unlimited wealth creation. His spin is Alchemy is the creation of wealth while Economics is simply the method for moving it around.

I am really intrigued by the concept of unlimited wealth creation. If you look at human progress in free societies, the real difference has been in creation. Commodities and resources are in fact finite but the way we use them is what is unlimited. The ideas are unlimited. An acre of land today produces far more food than an acre a generation ago.

Unlimited Wealth discusses several major topics. For the sake of time, I will review the salient points outlined by Paul.

1. Supply Side Alchemy – The Wealth Equation: W=PT^n – This equation means – W (Wealth) = P (Physical Resources) x T (Technology) to the nth power where n is the effects of the technological advances. The expansion of physical resources depends on the technological advances. Supply side Alchemy consists of three laws. The key to this equation is what Paul calls the third law of Alchemy – The rate at which a society’s technology advances is determined by the relative level of its ability to process information. Let’s look at how society has progressed based on the third law of Alchemy. Humans figured out how to write, then the printing press was created, then the computer was created and purchasable by the average consumer. Now we have the internet, social media, search engines and everything else to share knowledge. The speed of information exchange is exponential hence so is our level of wealth.

2. Demand Side Alchemy – The demand side alchemy consists of the fourth and fifth laws. The fourth law states – By providing us with new products and processes that change the way in which we live, technology determines what constitutes a need, and hence the nature of consumer demand. In a nutshell, demand can be created by creating and innovating new products. Apple is on its way to be the first company to hit a Trillion dollar valuation. All of their products were created first and then the demand came from it.

3. Sixth Law of Alchemy – The immediate economic potential for an individual, an industry or society can be explained by examining the technology gap, the best practices possible with current knowledge, and the practices in actual use. This is important today because China and India are way ahead of the U.S. in terms of science and math. Technology strives on science and math and societies that adapt it faster will create wealth faster. This is where the balance of power can shift over time.

Unlimited Wealth is definitely a controversial study based on regular Economics theory. Since I am in the technology field, I agree with Paul that Unlimited Wealth can be created through technology and innovation. Products are being created right now that no market exists. Some of these products will fall flat while others will explode. Take a look at Facebook. This company came from nowhere and is now valued at over $50 billion.

I hope you have found this short summary useful. The key to any new idea is to work it into your daily routine until it becomes habit. Habits form in as little as 21 days. One thing you can take away from this book is scarcity is a negative mind set. I say this because if you believe in unlimited wealth creation then ideas will flourish.

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Source by Joe Mosed

Views: 0

February 1, 2020
Healing Grief & Loss – A Fresh Start

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Every Day Can Be A Fresh Start

“There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.”

~ Ronald Reagan

7 DAILY FRESH START BULLET POINTS can help you heal your grief and loss. You have special unique empowerment to seize the moment again and again. Erect possibilities. Erect personal healing solutions. Erect your own peace. Erect hope. Every hour of every day can be a fresh start. Your condition may limit what you are able and desire to perform. However, constraints, walls or barriers don’t need to be in your mind. The opportunities for healing and progress toward a better you are abundant even if done in small baby steps; and on a few occasions one step forward and two steps back. There are keys to minimize the constraints in your mind. 7 must-consider steps to make every day a fresh start follow:

*Fresh Start #1 Erect Possibilities

“Seeds of great discoveries are constantly floating around us,

but they only take root in minds well prepared to receive them.”

~ Joseph Henry

Your grief loss happening may have sent you on a personal detour filled with discouragement and despair. On this detour confusion and hopelessness may jump in front of you on every turn of your healing journey. This is the essential time to explore all possibilities to reconcile your sorrow and grief. Undiscovered possibilities are available. Now is time to be open to receive all possible healing opportunities. Will you prepare to receive them? Search diligently for unrecognized or hidden possibilities.

*Fresh Start #2 Erect Personal Healing Solutions

Especially after a horrendous grief experience your life can be confusing and without meaning. It is essential to recognize you bring the meaning to every living moment. The meaning of your life is what you ascribe it to be. Being alive and proactive determines your healing solutions.

*Fresh Start #3 Erect Your Own Peace

You are absolutely correct. SOMETIMES LIFE IS TOUGH! In fact, life is not always fair. To be at peace because of grief circumstances can be extremely challenging. Finding your own personal peace can be enhanced by counting all the reasons why you can be grateful. Writing down a gratitude list can buoy up your spirit. No matter your condition after your grief there are blessings you can count. Counting your blessings can bring you peace.

*Fresh Start #4 Erect Hope

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems you cannot hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time the tide will turn.”

~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Hope and peace go together. Nonetheless, without hope you cannot have personal peace. Hope is a powerful and vital quality to own and magnify. Consider all the ways you might create hope in your attitude and in your actions. Holding hope in a strong grasp every day will turn your tide to more happiness, hope and peace.

*Fresh Start #5 Erect Barrier Deletes

Learn to erase negative thinking. Erase hopelessness from your daily thinking. Everyone gets discouraged. Life grief experiences may be joined with partners of despair, confusion, uncertainty, and even anger. Were it that you could simple press a delete button and erase all things that are barriers to your happiness. Essential to your transformation from your grieving experience to a happier state of mind are behaviors that will eradicate negative thinking. It begins and ends with your attitude. Others can help but you are the one who must press the delete button over and over again until your mind is full of positive thinking. You can.

*Fresh Start #6 Erect Empowerment Discovery

I like to think of a tool box inside each of us. Perhaps a hammer, chisel, screwdriver, measuring tape, a pair of pliers, a small level, to mention a few. I dare say it has been a long time since you have used all of those tools – maybe never. However, the time may very well come when a simple use of a pair of pliers will be vital to you. Just like the foregoing tools mentioned are empowerment tools for your mind and attitude. Perhaps you have not needed them before. Maybe they were not needed until your grief loss experience. They might not have ever been used. You may need to dig deep within. If you do you will discover empowerment strength you were unaware you always had. Asking again and again, what can I do will help you discover your personal needed empowerment. Strength will begin to grow in your mind.

*Fresh Start #7 Erect A Daily Fresh Start

Even without a horrendous grief experience a fresh start can be invigorating and revitalizing. Erect each day with a fresh attitude of positive possibilities and opportunities. Seek for all healing solutions. Count your blessings. Delete all negative thinking. Search for your own empowerment. Begin each day with a positive attitude. Think about how you can gain more hope with a daily fresh healing attitude.

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Source by Duane Marchant

Views: 0

February 1, 2020
How Dirty Bunks At Summer Camp Can Teach You How To Heal

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When I was a child and a young adult, I spent twenty summers at Camp Ramah, a network of Hebrew-speaking summer camps located throughout North and South America, Israel, Russia and even Eastern Europe. I was a camper, counselor, teacher, division head, Camp Rabbi and assistant camp director at Ramah in the Poconos and Ramah Massachusetts. Aside from having a wonderful time learning all about what it meant to be a “good Jewish boy,” I now realize that it was at Camp Ramah that I learned a valuable life-lesson which would teach me-and you– how to heal from the pain of loss.

Surprisingly enough, I learned that lesson from our dirty bunks!

Every single day, our bunk needed to be cleaned, except for Shabbat, our Sabbath. Chores were divvied up, sometimes using a daily “job Wheel of Fortune,” sometime a weekly cleaning assignment, and sometimes the counselor simply told us what to do. No one liked to clean the bunk, but from bunk clean-up, I learned my first, and perhaps most important healing lesson: mourners need to clean out the losses from their lives, to make room for the life of joy and celebration that is waiting to enter. It wasn’t about the clean-up at all, it was about having something to do each day that would help us reach our goal. We were never allowed not to have a job, that was not an option. Each day we had to actually do something, we couldn’t just sit on our beds and read comic books, and we couldn’t just lie in bed all day!

Now I am a man, and I do not see dirt, whether it was in my bunk at camp or in my home now. But somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew then, and know now, that there was indeed dirt which we needed to clean up and remove. Though I mostly didn’t want to clean, I knew it was necessary.

You could say that when loss enters our lives, our life-bunks become covered with dirt. The dirt won’t go away by itself, it needs to be swept out. That’s why routine tasks are crucial-they help us get out of bed every morning and tend to the chore of cleaning our bunks. Or our lives..

If you’re like me, you would sometimes rather not do anything to heal, perhaps just wait until “the right time comes along.” It’s too hard, or it hurts too much, or I don’t like making changes so I’ll just stay the way I am right now-as if you could…

I know people, and so do you, who are still grieving a loss from ten, twenty or even thirty years ago. I know some one whose husband died ten years ago, and to this day has still not emptied out his clothes closet. When I asked her why not, her answer was: I like to feel that he’s still here with me. Okay, I get that, but for her, he is still alive while she is drowning in sadness, and that is not how life is supposed to be. If she cannot clear out his clothes, then she cannot ever begin to heal, because for her, he hasn’t truly died, and she has not yet said goodbye to him. It’s easier, she thinks, to do nothing. Except we know the truth. Doing nothing is worse than just doing nothing. Doing nothing only makes it harder and harder to begin to sweep out that dirt and let the beauty of life enter into our lives.

So at camp, the dirt needs to be cleaned up and swept out, or else the bunk will get even dirtier. The lesson is clear. When loss comes, we need to similarly begin to clean up, do what needs to be done, and let the healing begin.

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Source by Dr. Mel Glazer

Views: 0

February 1, 2020