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Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

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The formula for marital harmony and success is not a mysterious secret. It’s actually very straightforward.

The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don’t accumulate.

Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.

The following eight steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage:

1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.

Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage.

2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.

Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.

3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up.

Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand. Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse.

4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love.

Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things—the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.

Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.

5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.”

As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.

It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.

6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage.

The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”

Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”

7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse.

It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.

For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.

8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate.

Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those “Kodak moments” that are so delightful.

Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose.

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Source by Nancy Wasson

Views: 0

July 24, 2022
Pompeii by Marry Beard

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Marry Beard’s Pompeii succeeds in several quite different and sometimes surprising ways. This is a guidebook, a history, a survey of social relations, a description of culture and religion, a catalogue and analysis of art, and an archaeological record. It is also an excellent read, highly informative, enlighteningly descriptive and scrupulously accurate.

Pompeii is a complicated site. At first glance, it may appear to be very simple. One day in 79 AD a coastal town in modern-day Campania, near Naples, which was then at the heart of a Greco-Roman culture, was buried under volcanic ash that spread from the eruption of the nearby Mount Vesuvius. The town was completely destroyed, smothered under metres of ash. The disaster progressed quickly giving the town’s inhabitants little chance of escape, let alone a chance to gather their possessions. This naive description might thus suggest that all archaeologists need to do is uncover what the ash buried, and first century life in a Roman town will be revealed.

The reality, however, is somewhat different. The volcano did erupt and did bring about the end of Pompeii. But the town had previously in AD 62 suffered an earthquake, which had damaged many buildings, some of which was still not repaired in AD79. And Pompeii has been excavated many times. Some digs a couple of centuries ago extracted treasures for the titillation of monarchs, before volcanic ash, original construction materials and much of the historical and other material was randomly piled back to fill the holes. On the other hand, some areas have never been excavated and others still wait to be uncovered, but possibly not for the first time. Much work in previous centuries was undocumented, so who would know? Only the finds, and only some of those, were lodged in museums, and the provenance of many of those remains unclear.

Such a complicated history presents tremendous difficulties for modern archaeologists. There are many layers of possible interpretation, many potential complications. A great strength of Mary Beard’s book is that she always acknowledges these difficulties and, where simplistic, convenient or fashionable positions might create more attractive copy, consistently she is cautious with her assertions and considered in her conclusions. Refreshingly, where evidence is lacking, contradictory or merely open to interpretation, she usually leaves the matter open, thus allowing the reader to appreciate how hard it is to be definitive about the unknown.

Descriptions of everyday life in the first century AD are in many ways reassuringly familiar, with one significant exception. The modern reader may be rather shocked by how much daily life seems seemed to revolve around sex. But Mary beard does point out several times that this may be an overstatement. One is tempted to imagine how a modern town might be seen, if, once buried and uncovered, all that could be identified were advertising hoardings along a street where the only shop not to be obliterated sold sex toys. Our contemporary lack of knowledge about Pompeii’s inhabitants is illustrated by our inability to decide what might have been stored in the terracotta jars that were built into many of the town’s shop fronts. Mary Beard points out that theories they might have contained wine or oil are undermined by the simple fact that terracotta is porous, so it is more likely they contained dry goods. In one shop, a jar may have been a till, because it was found to contain a stash of small coins. But who knows whether the shop’s owner, frightened by a sudden eruption, merely tipped a box of small coins into the jar in a vain attempt to fill the box with more valuable possessions that might be carried?

The area of life that was clearly different in first century AD was that of religion and beliefs. There seemed to be a market in gods, as well as one in goods, and most buildings seem to have paintings or altars dedicated to a panoply of deities, drawn from several different traditions. Whether people did pick and choose, or whether people’s origins or ethnicity dictated allegiance, we simply do not know.

Pompeii clearly did have its own version of mass entertainment, both in theatre and amphitheatre. There was even a famous riot after a disputed contest, where supporters from a nearby town fought with locals. It made regional news. There was also a local language that was not Latin, but we have precious little of its literature.

A concept such a slavery, which in the modern mind is inextricably linked with the trade of recent colonial powers, is yet another aspect of ancient Roman life that is more complicated than contemporary assumptions allow. Mary Beard regularly refers to the complexity of these relationships throughout the text and long before then end we feel we really have learned something about a culture that quite suddenly feels much more distant than a mere couple of millennia.

Mary Beard’s Pompeii is a brilliant book that is worth reading in itself. But anyone who has visited or plans to visit the site will find it brings the experience or memory completely to life. It is a comprehensive description of the site and its culture, but makes clear that there are still stones to be turned. Unusually, however, readers who previously might have thought they were well-informed on the history, culture and archaeology of Pompei might just find, after reading this book, that they knew rather less than they thought.

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Source by Philip Spires

Views: 0

July 23, 2022
Habits – The Big Secret to Marketing Success

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What do you think you need more than anything else to attract more of your ideal clients?

Many people will say, "better information to show me how to do what works."

Others will say, "more motivation and drive to implement what I already know."

Another common answer is , "more time to fit marketing activities into my schedule."

And lots of people will say, "I need better goals and more clarity about what I want to achieve."

In writing this ezine / blog for the past 20 years I've talked about the importance of all of those.

But I'm finally understanding a factor that is much more important: good habits.

Over the past year, I've been a big advocate of the writings of James Clear. He writes a blog about success and habits. And he just came out with his first book, Atomic Habits, which is fantastic.

Even though James isn't a marketing expert, I'm convinced he's right when he says that the ultimate determinant of success is building positive habits.

This idea is simple but true: Self-employed professionals who establish regular marketing habits have a much better chance of succeeding than those who don't.

And the crazy thing is that the four items – information, motivation, time, and goals – I mentioned above don't actually make a huge difference.

Information. These days, we have access to more information about marketing than ever before in history. And much of it is free and instantly available through a Google or YouTube search.

The problem is that most of us have not established a regular habit of studying what we need to know to become better marketers. The information is useless unless we become proficient at implementing it.

And even if we pay good money for courses and programs, much of it goes to waste. I just learned recently online that 97% of people who buy a course online never complete it.

Motivation. If we measured motivation by intention, we are all motivated. Don't we all want and need to grow our businesses? But we keep getting distracted and don't follow through on our intentions. Again, the issue is poor habits.

Time. If only we had more of it. But unsuccessful marketers have just as much of it as the most successful ones. The key is that they dedicate more time to implementing regular marketing habits.

Goals. Nothing wrong with goals except that they are only a starting point for success. And they can get us stuck in the future, instead of doing what needs to be done today – the routine marketing habits that we perform every day or week.

"A habit or system beats a goal every time." – James Clear

The research is in and the conclusion is clear.

Establishing positive and consistent marketing habits have a bigger impact on marketing success than anything else.

We may have great information, high motivation, lots of time, and clear goals, but unless marketing activities are performed regularly and habitually, the chances of success are slim to none.

The question you should be asking is, "How do I start establishing better marketing habits?"

James's Atomic Habits goes to great lengths to share a multitude of ways to become an expert habit practitioner. So I highly suggest you get his book. It could be the most valuable 'marketing' book you'll ever read.

But let me also give you my perspective on what it takes to establish new marketing habits.

The C – SPAT Model

This is a model I came up with for one of my marketing programs.

Coaching or Context. A coach declares the game, how it is played and how to win at it. And this creates the context in which you play the game. It helps if you have an outside source that can hold you accountable to play by the rules necessary to succeed.

This principle is why when you're working with a coach or in a program that you suddenly find it's easier to take action and form positive habits. The context of the game helps shape your behaviors.

Notice that all professionals such as doctors, lawyers, and accountants go through rigorous training in the form of a professional school and internship. And in this context, professional habits and protocols are established.

As independent professionals, we'd all prefer to do things on our own, charting our own direction. That's nice, except that it doesn't always work very well, does it?

Study. A big part of the game is study and learning the body of knowledge necessary to perform effectively. Again, the information required to be an effective marketer is readily available, but you need some assistance in sorting the wheat from the chaff and studying what is most useful.

Planning. All successful marketing needs a plan. The alternative is implementing random marketing activities with little structure and direction. So it's not how much you know, but how you put what you know into action.

Action. Success doesn't come from being busy or doing a lot of things, but in doing the right things at the right time. This is where establishing regular marketing habits comes in.

To some, it might be writing an article once or twice a week. For others, it may mean setting up more meetings with networking contacts. Or it could be booking regular speaking engagements.

The secret to making this work is to leverage the first three steps of the model – Coaching, Study, and Planning, into marketing Actions that you perform as consistently as possible.

Tracking. What gets measured gets done. And when we fail to measure, habits don't tend to stick. When we measure and track habits, the chances increase dramatically that they are performed consistently.

It can take some time to establish positive habits. You know that's happened when you don't even have to think about it anymore; you just sit down and write that article every Monday or make five calls to prospects every week.

And when you're in action like this, you create a feedback loop, learning what works the best and what doesn't. This enables you to fine-tune and adjust over time until your marketing habits become more established.

So, stop putting so much attention on searching for the "perfect" marketing strategy, getting motivated, finding more time, and setting goals.

Instead, use the C – SPAT approach to establishing positive marketing habits.

Cheers, Robert

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Source by Robert Middleton

Views: 0

July 23, 2022
What Is Relationship Coaching Really Like?

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People often wonder what Relationship Coaching is really like? Because each person has different issues and goals for coaching, it will be different depending on the individual. In general, you can expect to discuss with your Relationship Coach such things as the current events happening in your life, your personal history relevant to your issue, and report progress (or any new insights gained) from the previous session. Depending on your specific needs, coaching can be short-term, for a specific issue, or longer-term, to deal with more difficult patterns or your desire for more personal development. Either way, it is most common to schedule regular sessions with your coach (usually weekly).

TAKE AN ACTIVE PART IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP COACHING FOR THE BEST RESULTS

It is important to understand that you will get more results from coaching if you actively participate in the process. The ultimate purpose of coaching is to help you bring what you learn in session back into your life. Therefore, beyond the work you do in coaching sessions, your coach may suggest some things you can do outside of sessions to support your process – such as reading a pertinent book, journaling on specific topics, noting particular behaviors or taking action on your goals. People seeking coaching are ready to make positive changes in their lives, are open to new perspectives and take responsibility for their lives.

WHAT ABOUT MEDICATION VS. RELATIONSHIP COACHING?

It is well established that the long-term solution to mental and emotional problems and the pain they cause cannot be solved solely by medication. Instead of just treating the symptom, coaching addresses the cause of our distress and the behavior patterns that curb our progress. You can best achieve sustainable growth and a greater sense of well-being with an integrative approach to wellness. Working with your medical doctor you can determine what’s best for you, and in some cases a combination of medication and coaching is the right course of action.

DOES WHAT WE TALK ABOUT IN SESSION REMAIN CONFIDENTIAL?

Confidentiality is one of the most important components between a client and coach. Successful Relationship Coaching requires a high degree of trust with highly sensitive subject matter that is usually not discussed anywhere but the coach’s office. Every coach should provide a written copy of their confidential disclosure agreement, and you can expect that what you discuss in session will not be shared with anyone. Sometimes, however, you may want your coach to share information or give an update to someone on your healthcare team (your Physician, Naturopath, Attorney), but your Relationship Coach will never release this information without obtaining your written permission.

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Source by Roxanna Teeling

Views: 0

July 22, 2022
Entrepreneurial Mind Frame

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Entrepreneurs make up only about 15% of the working population in the US. Far fewer actually succeed than those who attempt to become self employed business people and venture out on their own. So what makes people decide to take the entrepreneurial path, when so few actually make it a reality?

Is the American dream a possibility for anyone, or, does it take more than most to become a successful entrepreneur?

The success of an entrepreneur does depend on their mindset. A large percentage of business owners will quit in their first five years in business. What is needed is the fortitude and belief that goes with attaining success.

Entrepreneurs are risk takers and dreamers. The difference between the dreamer and the entrepreneur though, is that the entrepreneur takes actions based on their dreams. They persist through the hardships and never give up! Many entrepreneurs start with an idea. Their success is determined by their belief that they can create something greater than simple monetary success. Often, it is about creating something which will benefit the world.

James Dyson, for example, came up with the idea of the bagless vacuum cleaner. Despite multiple set backs, over 5000 prototypes and not being able to get any manufacturers or distributors to accept his idea, he persevered. It was over a decade after his initial idea when his concept came to fruition. Even then, it was after a lot of difficulties and hardship due to the vacuum replacement bag industry, which was worth £100 million in the UK.

In Simon Sinek’s book ‘Start With Why’, he suggests that the biggest companies in the world are so because of their “why?” – their reasons for building a business in the first place. In all cases, it wasn’t just to make money, or make technology better, or some whimsical ideology.

The Wright Brothers, for example, became known as the pioneers of the first manned flight. But their competition was much better funded and well connected – Samuel Pierpont Langley had worked at Harvard, had a number of powerful connections, including Andrew Carnegie and Alexander Graham Bell. The War Department funded his project with a $50k grant, a seemingly massive advantage to the unconnected Wright Brothers who had no money or influence. However, their passion and devotion to change the world with this new technology drove them to attain the first flight in history in 1903.

Desire for material things and monetary wealth can only carry someone so far. Unless you have a goal or passion which is bigger than that, you may lose the momentum and fail to maintain your enthusiasm for any length of time.

The entrepreneurial mindset is one which taps into your purpose. Without a purpose driven goal or aim, it can’t take long before disillusionment kicks in. With a mindset which takes into account a larger purpose, entrepreneurs can build huge businesses because they ‘saw’ a vision of what they wanted to create. If the purpose is greater than the obstacles which lie in the path of attaining it, no amount of setbacks will stop you from achieving your goal.

On the other hand, if you set out to do something and something gets in the way and stops you, your initial reason, (your “why?”), may not have been strong enough to endure all the battles along the way.

Entrepreneurial mind frame (or mindset) therefore, must be aligned with both your vision, your values and your purpose. If your values are not in alignment with your purpose and vision, you’ll come up against road blocks which will stop you from achieving your goal.

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Source by Tim Halloran

Views: 0

July 22, 2022
Find Your Success Sweet Spot!

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Most people don’t show anyone their scars and bruises or share their “up to their eyeballs in the dirty stuff”, real and RAW stories of what the journey to success is sometimes like.

They usually reveal the rainbows and glitz of it instead.

The pretty and SHINY version.

When only the SHINY and glammed-up version, smelling like roses is revealed it seems off and PHONEY, like they’re disingenuous or hiding something.

And truth is an empowering act — because the Universe only works in the truth of the matter. So, while someone only shows mostly pretty and SHINY stuff she/he has one foot in a false reality and the other foot in some of the truth. The Universe only works in the truth of all matters. Truth be known the Universe led you to speak to this person because she/he has been through what you are struggling with and would share their solution, if she/he knew the truth of what you are experiencing.

That aside, Success comes wrapped up in something called ‘WORK’.

Are you resisting the idea of HARD work in your business or career?

The “Law of Attraction” doesn’t mean that successful people are sitting behind a mahogany desk all day and aren’t PUSHING themselves, breaking a sweat or putting out fires.

And when you resist HARD work you are keeping yourself from LEANING in and getting the dirty work done.

Are you believing the pretty and SHINY version of the Law of Attraction – that successful people had some lucky break or were especially talented or gifted in some magical way and were somehow omitted from the heavy TASK of working?

If so, accept my empathy for the misinformation!

You can decide to make a change and get to work and commit to your success no matter how difficult or afraid of failing you are, and no matter what – LEAN in and figure it out you need to do. You can adopts a ‘Do or die mode. Beast mode’.

That’s the real secret to success.

A persistent “I will figure it out AND WIN no matter what” attitude.

Frequently for some wild reason past clients came out of the woodwork and leave me beautiful grateful email messages and Facebook messages about their success BEYOND working with (some are clients who are from a year or two ago). I treasure each one as if it was the only grateful message I received.

I won’t mislead you that all people show up to work with a committed “all-in” attitude. Many have bought into the ‘secret’ as a magic fix. They are sorely disillusioned when they didn’t create their magical success. Then, I am the one to dispel the myth. I need to help them to Turn On, Tune In and Tap In to the depths of their strength and courage to persevere and do the HARD work.

Somewhere hidden in the recesses of your “contract” is an often overlooked fine-print statement that is quite easily forgotten: The party of the first part (you) to the party of the second part (the Universe), you hereby agree that according to the messages you send out to the Universe, so you shall reap.” This phenomenon is written in the Bible, Galatians VI (King James Version), “Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

Did you know that every person who has created financial freedom has one or more mentors. Ask Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Sir Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, Madam C. J. Walker, first female, self-made millionaire, other self-made female millionaires–Meg Whitman, former eBay owner, first CEO for a hi-tech company, Hewlett-Packard, Beyoncé Knowles, pop singer, Danielle Steele, romance author, Taylor Swift, singer/songwriter, Diane von Furstenberg, clothes designer, and Judge, Judy Shiendlin, TV personality.

Together, we developed a plan, and they fought their own demons and WON.

They strapped their grown-up shoes on when the going got hard, leaned in and embraced new ways of being, discovered new found confidence, stepped beyond their comfort zone, and WON.

And they keep on winning long after their initial mentoring work is over.

Anyway…

If you’re interested in doing the work and committing to your success (because there is no success without commitment) book a call and allow me to assist you to create your success and Financial Freedom.

Don’t wait. Book a call http://drdorothy.net and get your business or career rocking TODAY!

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Source by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD

Views: 0

July 21, 2022
The Power Of Pocket Money

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Kids have always loved the thrill of receiving their very own pocket money to spend however they like. From saving up to buy the toy they’ve had their eye on for weeks to the quick delight that comes from waving around a bubble sword or getting stuck into a new puzzle book, hours of fun can come from the simplest of things.

Halifax, which has conducted an annual pocket money survey since 1987, suggests the average amount kids receive is now £7.01. And in today’s financial climate, pocket money can be a good way to teach children to be careful with their cash and learn how to make it go further. Advance education about the importance of saving and an understanding of money has been shown to give children a head start when it comes to money management in later life.

But it’s not just the kids that are jumping onto the pocket money bandwagon.

Parents are also opting to turn away from bigger box items. After all, there’s nothing more frustrating than shelling out on an expensive toy only to see your child tire of it after half an hour. Especially when it takes so long to undo all the wasteful packaging!

The growing trend for pocket money toys means a wider variety for the smaller customer, and it’s a great way for parents to get the latest fad without breaking the bank.

One pocket money item that has seen incredible growth in sales is slime and putty. Venture onto YouTube and you’ll find millions of videos of kids playing with it. In fact, there are even global slime conventions throughout the world off the back of this massive craze and there is no sign of it slowing down. Global sales are still rising and the popularity of this realtively simple and inexpensive toy is still growing. With thousands of variations – magnetic slime, rainbow slime, glow in the dar slime and more this is the craze that should go for many months more.

Of course, certain toys are timeless and will never go out of fashion. Spinning tops, tumbling tower games, marble drops and classic board games have captured children’s imaginations throughout the years and continue to be just as popular today as they ever were.

Another range that has been adapted for the pocket money market is the educational toy. It’s no secret that play is a great way to help children learn and toys are continually evolving to support this trend with more and more unique playsets and experimental kits to keep them entertained.

So to summarise, think twice before thinking you need to shell out large sums of money to keep your kids happy. Sometimes a £1 pot of slime will bring just as many smiles.

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Source by Vicky Walmsley

Views: 0

July 21, 2022
Is He Marriage Material? Four Steps for Creating Your Custom Plan & Deciding If He's Worth Your Time

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It's important that you know yourself, your goals, your needs and wants really well before you can find a great relationship that could potentially lead to marriage.

And the best way to determine if your current or future boyfriend is marriage material is to know yourself, create a checklist of what's right for you, and then test him to see if he fits.

In this article, we'll break down what things you need to know about both yourself and him in order to even consider that next step!

Step One: Know There Is a "Mr. Perfect for You" and That You Can Design Him

Are you still waiting for HIM? You know who I mean:

"Mr. Right". The perfect man that will satisfy all your dreams and make your life worth living?

Yeah, that guy. Well, sorry to break it to you like this but …

Prince Charming, riding on a white stallion, lost his way because men hate asking for directions.

Or he found Princess Charming and got married to her on his way to your castle … or, you know, your apartment.

And by the way, even Prince Charming wasn't flawless. I'm pretty sure he left dirty dishes in the sink and never made up the bed.

Anyway, the point is that PERFECT isn't showing up anytime soon.

Truth is … nobody is perfect. No man and no woman. Perfection doesn't exist in people. But don't feel bad if you have been looking for the perfect man.

I did that for a long time, deathly afraid that if I didn't get him exactly right, I'd failed myself, my future kids, the planet, my Mama, and possibly God.

I was wrong. Don't even look for perfect, because the concept of "perfect for YOU" exists instead. You can plan the guy that may not perfect in the world, but is perfect for and fits YOU well.

The perfect-for-you man of your dreams is not hiding under your bed, though. That would be too easy. Can't have that.

Nope, you are going to have to actively design and then look for him. But don't worry, the search can be fun if you want it to be, and the hardest part is done. You now know you won't find perfect, so the pressure is off!

By the way, are you feeling the whole "not pretty enough" thing sometimes too? Wondering "why am I still single" even?

I did too. However, I learned that although I may not completely fit my society's "standard of beauty", I did meet quite a few men's individual standard of beauty … or was at least close enough!

And that's all you really need. So don't worry. "Mr. Close-Enough-To-Perfect-For-You" might be just around the corner … if you'll give him a chance!

You can plan him. Don't do this by default.

I've noticed that we sometimes find ourselves dating or even married by what I call "by default". That means we find a man, decide that he is the best we can do, and latch on without really analyzing him to determine if he's really right for us or our lives.

Don't fall victim to default. This isn't the time for "get in where you fit in". You CAN plan him. When you do your research and work your strategy, you won't have to put up with the losers!

You'll have a way to know whether he's marriage material … or not!

Now that you know that there is no "Mr. Right" or perfect man, the pressure is off, and you can now have fun looking for what I call your "ideal male". You're also aware that dating by default isn't the best way to avoid the pain of being with a dud. And you understand you can take the bull by the horns and decide what you want your ideal guy to look like.

Now it's time to dive into YOU, determine your dating deal breakers, and decide what kind of guy fits you best.

Step Two: Get to Know YOU: Your Goals and Dreams, Needs and Wants, and Deal Breakers

Did you see the first The Matrix ™ movie? Remember that scene where Neo goes to see the Oracle?

He is trying to figure out if he's "the one" – a Messiah of sorts and the man Morpheus is searching for– and thinks the Oracle can help him decide what to do.

Typical of a good mentor, the Oracle makes Neo find his own way. Before putting him out to find his own answers, she points out the plaque above her door that reads nosce te ipsum.

Know thyself.

You should know yourself really well before committing to someone else.

Have you ever taken time to really think about what YOU want for your life? I don't mean what you THINK you want – which is usually what others want for you – or what society wants for you – don't get me started on that, but what YOU really, truly, want for yourself?

Why? Well, understanding yourself is the most important thing you can do before getting deeply involved with another person.

I'm not saying you'll do everything perfectly even if you see yourself clearly. Problems can still happen, and you will make mistakes.

But if you pick a mate based on what you learn about yourself, you will have a much better shot at finding compatibility than if you have no idea who you are and just go into this blindly, hoping it will turn out okay.

If you don't know yourself or your needs well, and hook up with someone before finding YOU first, you may end up realizing that the person you are with does not fit you or your life at all, or at least not enough for things to last very long. Relationship compatibility is CRUCIAL.

Being badly matched could be disastrous, especially if you cement yourself to him by having a child or getting married.

Know Your Goals and Dreams … and Stick With Them

When I think about it, I'm so glad to have been born when I was. We've got so many options now that women in my mother's age range and older just didn't have. We now have the tools and the right to decide what we want in terms of a career, marriage, and family just as much as men do.

However, despite having goals and dreams, we sometimes get so caught up in a relationship that our own lives take a backseat. We end up giving up our dreams for relationships and marriage, children and family.

Now, if you have a family with a man that's right for you then maybe these sacrifices are worth it.

However, they are never worth it with the wrong man, so always keep your goals in the front of your mind and don't let the wrong guy take them from you.

So what are your goals and dreams?

Think about the things you want to do with your life. Your goals can be in any category, including career, travel, health, spirituality … anything at all. It's up to you. But to get you started, I suggest you look at these areas.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Do you have a specific career in mind? Is there any special education you want to achieve? Anywhere in particular you want to work? Maybe even start your own business?

What about fun? Have you always wanted to travel? Where to? How long? Don't be modest; anything is possible!

Do you have any specific body or health goals? Want to lose a bit of weight? Gain weight? Gain muscle? Run a marathon?

Do you feel a lack in your spiritual life? Want to attend church more? Study other religions? Memorize a holy book or two? Become a Buddhist? None of the above? Don't forget this is about YOU.

Do you want kids? No kids, but more dogs? A cat or two? A llama? Plan your own family goals!

The point is that these are to be YOUR ambitions and no one else's. Let your imagination have some fun.

Now that you've considered your goals, let's look at what you want and need in a relationship.

Decide on Your Needs / Wants

I hear some of you asking: "wants or needs … what's the difference?"

Well, when I say needs, it's exactly that. Those are characteristics you can't really live without. Wants are nice, but not crucial. You can go on without them if necessary.

I have several friends who are single and looking for a good man. A couple of these ladies wanted to buck the trend of just dating whoever came along.

Instead they really studied themselves and then decided what type of man they want. They began to examine what type of guy complemented them and quickly discovered what they would and would not tolerate in a mate. I suggested they document their needs and wants to decide if the next guy would fit them.

For example, one friend, Josie, decided her ideal guy would know how – and be willing to – cook some of the meals. He had to be thoughtful, emotionally available and like to talk things out after an argument instead of hiding out and pouting.

She also realized she needed him to be on the same page as her spiritually, and that he would have to be an avid church attendee. He also should love and want children like she did.

Clearly, getting involved with a man who had none (or barely any) of these characteristics would result in serious arguments and almost guaranteed problems in Josie's future.

So she wrote her requirements on a checklist, and if potential dates didn't meet her minimum needs, she politely said thanks, but no thanks.

By doing her work up front, Josie was able to avoid a lot of the painful frustrations of dating the wrong guy. She hasn't found the "right one" quite yet, but she's successfully avoided several really wrong ones.

So what are your wants and needs pertaining to him?

Like Josie, do you want him to be spiritual or religious? Look back at your goals list. Does it have any things on it that you want to do and he should match? For example, if your goal is to become a Buddhist, should he already be one, or be open to it?

Should he want kids? Should he want pets? Do you already have a pet and / or or kids and the "children" have to sign off on him?

Next, you will discover that some of your wants / needs will have nothing to do with your goals. They'll be all about his personality traits, which we'll cover in a bit.

Be Aware of Your Deal Breakers

Speaking of wants vs. needs … deal breakers – like needs- are crucial. These are the characteristics you must have – or avoid – for a relationship to work.

A huge deal breaker that I have encountered in my work has been the differing desire for children. If that's you, just be upfront about it.

If he wants kids and you don't, that's okay, but you two aren't compatible. If you want them and he doesn't, then it isn't going to work. Children just aren't something you can compromise on.

Another deal breaker I recommend you consider is ANY type of abuse. Even if it seems "mild" or that he's "just playing", mistreatment is a red flag and it's better to be single than dead. Too many women have ignored the signs and ended up paying with their lives.

Are there other deal breakers on your mind? Then put them on your list.

Now That You've Listed Them, Look for Your Needs, Wants, Dreams and Deal Breakers in HIM

If you're currently dating, does your current guy fit any of the items on your checklist so far?

Remember to be honest about this. Be aware whether you see these attributes because you want to, or if they are really there.

Be honest with yourself, put the emotion aside, and find out who he actually is. Time out for the fantasies and soap operas. This is serious. If he really doesn't fit – even if you really want him to – strike him from consideration. Doing so doesn't mean he isn't a good guy, he's just not the right one for you.

Step Three: Look for Generally Good Traits in Him

Remember I said earlier that you also needed to consider his personality traits too?

Now it's time to look into whether he has good personality traits or whether he shows some relationship red flags you need to steer clear of.

I'll mention my top three desirable traits just to get you started. It's up to you decide whether they are also on your list, or you can do without them. I know I've said this a lot, but your checklist is always yours and should reflect you, not me or anyone else.

Trust

Trust. I usually trust close family and friends, but are hesitant to extend it to strangers. It takes a while to gain my trust, and I suggest you do the same when dating.

Have you ever heard the expression "measure twice, cut once?". I think it's mostly for carpenters and woodworkers who want to be sure before making a permanent move. You can always take off a little more, but you can't always put it back.

Keeping that phrase in mind while dating wouldn't hurt. Why?

We have to be careful. A poor choice in a mate can have huge consequences in a woman's life, so we definitely have to measure our men multiple times before committing. One of the ways you should evaluate a man is whether you trust him, so be sure to do that carefully.

To determine whether you can trust your partner, here are a few tips:

* Rely on yourself first. Do you normally make good decisions? Yes? Then trust that you will make the right call.

* Depend on your head and your heart. Look for signs. Is he checking out other women when you're together? Does he hang around with trustworthy people or does he deal with shadies?

* Pay attention to what he is telling you AND showing you and then use that information to help you make informed decisions. Talk is cheap. Watch what he DOES.

* Remember that if you have decided that you are going to trust him, then follow through and trust him! Don't sit and worry at night, wondering what he's doing or if he's being unfaithful.?If you feel you have to do that, then a relationship with this guy just isn't worth the stress.

Honesty

Trust and honesty go hand in hand, so let's talk about it a bit. Find out if your partner is honest before getting too deeply involved with him.

How do you know if your guy is honest?

Take the initiative.

You must be honest if you're expecting it from your partner. Don't hide things, mislead him, or tell little "white lies" that are so easy to rationalize: it's no big deal if I just hide this small detail, etc.

I know an otherwise really sweet couple who seemed to build their relationship on white lies. I think they were trying to "spare each other" from bad stuff, but it ended up backfiring on them. They didn't outright lie to each other (at least in their minds), but those little lies formed cracks in their relationship that eventually caused it to collapse.

Do your homework.

Find out all you can about your partner.

You don't have to be obsessed, but do your research within reasonable boundaries.

I don't think it's necessary to get the cops involved here, but say if you were introduced by a mutual friend or family member, ask that person about your partner. Are they trustworthy? What are they like in private? Find out those types of things and you'll quickly get an idea of their honesty.

You'd ask for a referral and recommendations for anything else you're considering -from a plumber to a lawyer-why not get more information on a potential mate?

Last, make sure he knows upfront that honesty is an expectation and you won't tolerate anything less.

Have conversations about honesty. Make it clear that you are going to be honest and ask him to do the same. It's funny how many issues in relationships can be worked out through simple communication. Just talk.

If you start your relationship on a good, honest foundation, your chances of success increase greatly over those who choose to be dishonest or shady. And if you inform him upfront that it's expected, here's his chance to leave if he can't handle it.

As with anything else, there is risk involved. If trust is earned and then continues, awesome! But if it gets broken, don't beat yourself up and think you failed. You did everything you could.

We all make mistakes, you're only human. Learn from it, move on, and eventually you'll get it right!

Respect

I try to follow "The Golden Rule". I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. I want to be respected, so I try my hardest to respect others. It ain't easy all of the time, but it's worth at least trying!

If you have tried giving plenty of respect to your partner, but are not getting it in return, don't forget that you have the right to fix that problem. Don't just take his lack of respect lying down!

Whether that means talking with him about the lack of respect and asking for changes, or deciding this is not worth your time, make sure you don't allow disrespect to continue too long.

To figure out where you stand, ask yourself these questions:

• Does he respect you? If he demeans, objectifies, or degrades you, you're better off leaving. As the investors say on Shark Tank ™: "I'm out".

• Notice the way he treats you when you don't agree with him. Can you appreciate each other's different views without him getting pissed off?

• Find opportunities to be around his closest friends or family. When with familiar people, he will show his true colors eventually. Is he respectful around them?

• How does his family treat you? If they treat you as their equal, not an inferior, that's a good sign. Hopefully, he learned good things from them.

You also need to be honest with yourself regarding how you view your partner. Do you really value him, too? If you find you don't, you need to rethink your relationship.

Step Four: Tidy Up Your List

This isn't the end, it's just the beginning. Your checklist is always growing and changing along with you, so don't hesitate to add or even delete items that no longer fit you.

The point is that your plan reflect you at all times and if used, will allow you to choose a man who is right for you.

Good luck!

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Source by Nichole White

Views: 0

July 19, 2022
DOUBLE-BLINDED MEDICINE: When Doctor and Patient Are Both in the Dark

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DOUBLE-BLINDED MEDICINE:

When Doctor and Patient Are

Both in the Dark

I met a dermatologist the other day who made my skin crawl. He was in his thirties, tall, lean, and unsmiling, like many doctors these days. But what stood out most was a fresh-looking, full-color, eye-popping tattoo on his right arm that snaked its way up from his wrist, circumvented his forearm, and slipped beneath his short-sleeved shirt to unknown anatomical areas. I believe he also had a tattoo on his left arm, but I was too gobsmacked at the time to take note.

Now, you might think, as I do, that a tattooed dermatologist is an oxymoron. It doesn’t take much imagination, or research on the Internet, to realize that tattoos are bad for the skin.

The most obvious issue is that tattooing is done by puncturing the skin, causing skin trauma and risk of infection. Interestingly, there is research that connects the injury to the skin made by both tattooing and vaccinations as a cause of numerous skin reactions, including cancer.

The 2014 article, “Tattoo and vaccination sites: Possible nest for opportunistic infections, tumors, and dysimmune reactions”, in the journal Clinical Dermatology, explains that, “Both dermal tattoos and vaccine injections may alter local immune responses, creating an immunocompromised district on or near the site of placement. This can lead to the development of opportunistic infections, benign and malignant tumors, and local dysimmune reactions… A variety of tumors including basal and squamous cell carcinomas, keratoacanthomas, and malignant melanoma also have been reported in association with tattoos… Vaccination sites similarly provide a setting for both benign and malignant tumors.”

The inks used are also a problem, causing allergies and exposure to heavy metals. It is fairly common for individuals to have an allergic reaction to the dyes used in tattoos. Ink is actually filled with many chemicals and unnatural ingredients that can irritate a person’s skin.

There is also a link to skin cancer. When it comes to cancer, black ink can be especially dangerous because it contains a very high level of benzo(a)pyrene. Benzo(a)pyrene is currently listed as a carcinogen by the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC). Black ink is the most commonly used color for tattooing.

You might think that this doctor may have gotten his tattoos before becoming a doctor, so he didn’t know any better. But this was a new tattoo. And he was flaunting it, not hiding it.

Tattoos are common these days, and fashionable in certain circles. Doctors want to look cool, like everyone else. They grew up like everyone else, exposed to, and brainwashed by, the same cultural messages. They just choose to go into medicine.

I also met a cardiologist who smoked cigarettes. He was also grossly overweight, and ate a big, juicy hamburger with fries for lunch. Of course, being obese, smoking and eating fried foods can increase heart disease.

An obese, smoking cardiologist eating fast food makes as much sense as a tattooed dermatologist.

Maybe these doctors are attracted to their specialties because they know they will need treatment from that specialty due to their lifestyles? It’s like when mentally-disturbed, neurotic people become psychologists or psychiatrists.

How about female doctors who constrict their breasts with tight bras for long hours daily? There are many female breast health experts, including breast surgeons, who wear breast-harming bras. Their medical training never mentioned tight clothing as a cause of circulatory impairment and lymph stasis. These doctors willingly immobilize and alter their breast shape, hide their nipples, and basically re-design their breast appearance for cultural reasons, and do this despite the documented harms caused by bras, including causing breast pain, cysts, and cancer. Wearing bras is just something every woman is culturally expected to do, even doctors.

Is this hypocrisy? Should we expect doctors to be paragons of health and healthy lifestyles?

More basically, when we seek help, does it matter whether the helper is in the same mess we are in? In other words, can you trust a lifeline from someone in the same boat as you?

We seek help in many places.

Would you go to a priest who was a known pedophile?

Would you use a mechanic whose car is broken down?

Would you go to a hairdresser who is having a “bad hair day”?

Would you use a plastic surgeon who has a big nose, cock-eyed chin, and facial scars?

How about eating in a restaurant where the cook is out because of food poisoning?

You could also go into a health food store and buy chips, coffee, candy, wine, beer, and lots of other unhealthy stuff.

Then there are the drug addiction recovery programs that offer coffee to everyone, one of the most addictive substances we consume.

Clearly, there’s a problem here. We live in a culture where there are lots of products and activities that can harm us. In fact, the biggest cause of disease and death is the culture and all the bad things it teaches us to think, do and feel. We absorb these cultural messages from the uterus onward, as our nature becomes modified by our culture.

This applies to everyone. It includes doctors, too. Just because someone studied medicine, it does not mean that they personally eliminated all harmful cultural practices in their lives. The same cultural causes of disease that fill their waiting rooms also fill their personal lives. In fact, the medical culture is even worse on doctors.

For some reason that is not clear, the medical system exploits doctors with long work hours and sleepless day and night shifts. Doctors are rushed and pressured, grabbing unhealthy snacks on the go. They become tempted to abuse drugs to keep going, but may settle for drinking 10-20 cups of strong coffee, instead. They also become tempted to use drugs to relax, but may settle for a few alcoholic drinks. They have little recreation time, or time with their families. And depending on their specialty, they are exposed daily to infectious diseases, death, radiation, the soul-robbing sights and smells of hospitals, and the depression of treating endless lines of sick people, often using treatments that do no good, and for conditions that have no known cause.

Clearly, being a doctor can make you sick, mentally and physically. No wonder why there are so many doctor suicides. Just practicing medicine is slow suicide.

This also means that doctors are not the ones to tell patients to clean up their lifestyles. The doctor’s lifestyle is at least as bad, and actually worse. They participate in the same unhealthy culture as everyone else, addicted to many of the same things, and suffering from the same psychological and physical issues. But they are the ones who are meant to treat those problems.

This is a basic reason why medicine does not emphasize lifestyle or other cultural causes of disease. How can doctors tell patients to not do things that they themselves do?

This is also why many discoveries of the cultural causes of disease are left unnoticed by medicine. For example, when smoking was culturally accepted as safe and good for you, everyone smoked, including doctors. In the 1950’s, there were ads by tobacco companies using doctors to promote smoking. New research that showed smoking caused lung cancer was ignored, ridiculed, and opposed vehemently by many in the medical profession.

Nobody likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong and can harm them, especially doctors who are regarded as the experts on health. Telling smoking doctors that their habit is actually bad is a challenge to their authority. And how can they tell smoking patients to stop?

Another example can be found in today’s debate over the health hazards of bras and their link to breast cancer. I know about this issue personally, as the co-researcher, with my wife Soma Grismaijer, of the world’s first study focused on the bra-cancer link. We announced our results in the 1995 book, Dressed to Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras, now updated for 2018.

There are now many studies internationally which link breast cancer with the wearing of tight bras.

Essentially, bra-free women have about the same risk of breast cancer as men, while the tighter and longer the bra is worn the higher the risk rises, to over 100 times higher for a 24/7 bra user compared to a bra-free woman.

But this information is still being resisted by a culture which has become as addicted to bras as it had been to cigarettes. Women have become conditioned into believing that they need artificially-shaped breasts to be acceptable in public. Even doctors have bought into that message. Under the spell of the lingerie industry, the thought of being bra-free in public sends a chill down the backs of women who would feel naked and ashamed without their breasts being bound by a bra.

As a result, the bra issue is still relegated to alternative health and fringe groups, although women are now asking why they need to wear bras in the post-#MeToo world. Must women’s breasts be constantly sexualized by pushing, squeezing, prodding, pinching, compressing, constricting, cleavaging, and lifting their breasts with bras? Many women are now saying no.

Ironically, many female doctors who use bras are insisting that under no circumstances can bras cause disease, especially cancer. The reason is that they cannot imagine themselves being bra-free at work, which is a logical conclusion of this information. If they realized that bras were causing disease, then they would have to defend their bra habit.

This means that there is an additional problem caused by doctors being as ignorant as everyone else with regards to unhealthy lifestyles. Not only does the bad-lifestyle doctor model bad lifestyles, but that doctor may also be personally and psychologically invested in defending those bad lifestyles. They don’t want to stop doing what everyone else is also doing. They want to belong, just like everyone else, even if that requires smoking, drinking, or doing other harmful behaviors.

But their denial carries weight with patients. Doctors model and teach implicitly by their own behaviors.

Should doctors be required to practice the latest lifestyle trend alleged to improve health and prevent disease? Before anything like this can even be considered, the bigger obstacle for doctors is their own medical culture that abuses them and drives them to depression and suicide. So long as the institutional and corporate powers that control medicine continue to abuse doctors with a harmful medical culture, don’t expect medicine to focus on culture.

Medical culture is a glass house that will not throw stones at pop culture.

And since the medical industry profits from the detection and treatment of the resulting diseases, there is actually financial incentive to maintain the cultural status quo, even if that culture is also killing doctors. There are many more pre-med students waiting to take their place.

This is double-blind medicine. Both the patient and doctor are in the dark. It’s the blind leading the blind, except that the blind leaders deny their blindness and scoff at those who see the light.

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Source by Sydney Ross Singer

Views: 0

July 19, 2022
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May 5, 2022