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Tag: Wrong

  • When Your Husband Leaves You Without Any Warning

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    I often get correspondence from wives who are now living alone but who never saw this coming. Generally, they will come home from work or from running errands one day and find that their husband has left them. Or, the husband will abruptly pack his bags and announce that the marriage is no longer working for him and he thinks that he might “want out.” However this plays out, often the wife will tell me that she had no real warning and that this was very much an abrupt and unwelcome surprise.

    I often hear things like “I can’t believe he left me. I never really saw this coming. I knew we had issues, but every married couple has issues. I just can’t believe that he would leave me without ever trying to work things out. And, I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want a divorce. I want him to come back home, but I’m so angry that he didn’t try to approach me first that I don’t even know how to approach him. What should I do?”

    The answer to this question is going to depend upon the circumstances and the people involved. But, it will often help to deal directly with the real situation that is in front of you, rather than trying to deal with the situation that you envision or hope exists. I will discuss this more in the following article.

    Don’t Focus Only On The Fact That You Had No Warning When He Left. Focus On What To Do Now And Where To Go From Here: It’s completely normal to be floored by the fact that one morning you woke up with a husband living at home, but by evening you were alone without any warning. This is an abrupt blow that can be devastating. But, because it can be important to act quickly, you will often have to make a conscious decision not to focus on the way in which this happened.

    Yes, your husband could most certainly have handled this in a different and preferable way, but neither of you can change that now. There’s a real risk in allowing your reaction to how he handled this to interfere with how you act toward him in the present. It can really help to ask yourself what your ultimate goal is in this situation. Some women will just want to handle themselves with dignity and grace while coping and moving on in the best way that they know how.

    Others will decide that their primary goal is to get their husband to come back home as quickly as possible. Often, what will help with one of these goals will also help with the other. No matter what you decide that you ultimately want, it’s my experience that you will often have an easier time getting it if you focus on what is right in front of you rather than the manner in which it happened. Yes, being blindsided is very painful and shocking, but it can hurt rather than help the situation to dwell on this rather than taking action.

    Evaluating What Is Going To Most Improve Your Situation: Once you’ve decided where you want to go from here, it’s important to step back and to try to take the emotion out of it to come up with the strategy that is most likely to get you what you want. It’s so easy to lash out, feel resentful, and to feel sorry for yourself. But these things usually won’t get you any closer to what you want. In fact, allowing your feelings to run your actions will often keep you from getting what you want.

    Debating with your husband, arguing with him, or lashing out will often push him even further away and just make you more upset with your situation. It’s usually better, at least in my experience and observation, to try as best as you can to limit yourself to the actions that strengthen you and allow you to feel in control rather than to surrender to those feelings or actions that are natural (and may relieve some tension) but which will only make the situation worse.

    It’s usually when you can somewhat rise above this and handle yourself with strength and calm that you will often begin to gain some ground. I absolutely know that this can be difficult. Sometimes, you might need to wait to interact with your husband until you can actually be calm. This may not be possible in the very beginning. But it can really help to always keep in mind your ultimate goal so that you don’t lose control of your strategy.

    Interacting With Your Husband During This Difficult Situation: It’s probably fair to say that there will come a time when you will need to communicate with your husband about where your marriage is going from here. Whether it’s fair or not, your husband has sent a clear message by leaving. Now, it’s up to you as to how you are going to reply to that message. But, before you do, define how you ultimately want for this to turn out. If you could put aside the shock, the hurt, and the fear, what is your greatest wish right now? The answer to this question is what you must place your focus upon.

    Because I would argue that no matter what your ultimate goal is, you’ll usually get closer to it by trying to interact with him in a positive way. Even if you are ultimately going to end the marriage, this was an important relationship in your life and it will likely help you going forward if you can keep this as positive as you can. If you want to save the marriage, improving your relationship and communications going forward will go a long way toward helping you to eventually save your marriage.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your husband that although you’re devastated that he would leave you without warning, you would like to interact with him in a positive way going forward. Since the two of you were once the most important people in one another’s lives (and may well still be) it just doesn’t make sense to allow for one negative action to turn into something that is even worse. He may not be all that receptive to this at first, but when he sees that you’re not reacting as he anticipated and are working with him rather than against him, you will sometimes be able to slowly rebuild with time. This is often true even if you are not 100% sure how you want to approach him right now.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • Negotiation Tactics and The Poison of Emotion

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    “Don’t take it personally… it’s just business.”

    No doubt you have heard these words spoken by an opposing party to a business deal. Many people have heard these words, and they usually followed a bone-crushing blow from the other side. As if to make any wound acceptable, they remind you they wouldn’t do it on a personal level, but only in a business context.

    As if the two are separable.

    The reality is, personal and business are really not separable, and this is why: when you negotiate a deal, you do not negotiate with a retail shop, or a construction crew, or a brand of product – you negotiate with a person. And that makes it personal, every time.

    Because negotiations are personal, there usually are emotions involved. Humans are emotional creatures; in fact, we are the only emotional creatures. We are unique from the rest of the created world in that we have wills, intellects and emotions. These three trademarks of the human psyche are integral to any negotiation, and the more value involved, the more these three human traits play a role.

    When emotions take the stage in a negotiation, things can get skewed very quickly, and what began as a logical journey to a reasonable conclusion becomes an intense entanglement of anger, pride, and despondency.

    When people get angry, they let reason go to the wind. “Okay, fine,” they say, “if he is going to treat me like I’m stupid, I’ll make sure he knows I’m not.” Then an unwise, unproductive decision is made.

    When a negotiation becomes a showdown of who can prove they are getting the better deal, there’s a battle of pride, and the two sides just continue to try to top the other and the negotiation goes nowhere.

    When someone feels like the breath was just knocked out of them, like when the opposing party downplays or even criticizes what the other party thought was the most valuable element of the deal, a hurt, dejected emotion surfaces and there is an underlying resentment from there on through the rest of the process.

    Emotions are poison to negotiations.

    A skilled negotiator who understands how to apply effective negotiation tactics will do all she can to leave emotions at the door… and lock the door behind her until an agreement is reached.

    In many negotiations, emotions are expected to arise, and some situations almost guarantee them. When two people who have lived in their house for thirty years, reared their children there, made lifelong friendships with the neighbors, and remodeled the home with their own blood and sweat and tears, realize they are at a point where they must sell, they are not going to sell easily. You can bet these folks are going to have some serious emotions when accepting an offer to buy their home. They are selling a part of themselves and may need some serious motivation, which could be an irresistible, bullet proof, over-asking price offer from a buyer.

    And this can mean a tough negotiation ahead.

    High octane deals can create problems, but there are negotiation tactics to deal with them. Here are a few to consider:

    • Understand the other party may be putting on a front

    Some of the nicest, most pleasant people become monsters at the negotiating table. Why? Many reasons. For one, certain people believe you are supposed to be rude and hard-nosed in a negotiation. Yes, they are wrong, but telling them about it is useless. The important thing to remember is you must absorb the abrasiveness and harsh language with grace. Let them be as assinne as they want, but don’t let it affect you. Even if you are burning inside because the buyer just told you the mural your friend painted on the building side will be painted over as soon as the recording ink dries, DON’T LET THEM KNOW IT. Emotion is fine; expressing emotion in a business dealing is weakness.

    You must be strong whether you feel it or not, because it is not so much how you feel that counts, it is how the other side perceives how you feel.

    • View everything from the standpoint of fair market value

    The fact that you hand planned those deck boards and involved your kids through the whole project really doesn’t matter. It may make the deck more valuable to you, but it doesn’t to your buyer. A deck is worth what the fair market value for decks is. Nothing more. In a similar way, the fact that it took you a full year of pursuit to secure that particular client doesn’t affect the value to the buyer of your business. The client is worth the fair market value of their revenue generation for the business. Nothing more.

    Leaving personal emotions out of the deal will help a negotiator to view the value and transferability of his assets properly, and encourage a healthy and balanced negotiation.

    • Have a third party do the negotiating

    Usually big corporations involved in mergers and acquisitions and buy-outs employ the services of an attorney or attorneys to handle the negotiations. This is partly because of the technical know-how required in complicated deals, but it is more than that. Corporate execs know that to have an outside, neutral person to handle the dealing removes any personal element (or at least most of it) from the negotiations. The attorney’s job is not on the line, nor is his standing in the company. But the executive’s is, and there is power in removing those personal elements which can make a party weaker.

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    Source by Rhett Kniep

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  • Advantages and Disadvantages of Alternative Medicine

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    There are reasons why people chose alternative medicine and reasons why they avoid it, preferring conventional medicine. Alternative medicine is safer than standard health treatments and usually works. It’s true that it can’t be used in severe conditions like car accidents or other severe emergencies, but be that as it may, there are enough situations in which alternative medicine is recommended. When it comes to emotional and spiritual needs, non-conventional medicine may come up with the solution. Furthermore, it’s better for preventing illnesses than standard medicine. More and more physicians nowadays agree upon the benefits of alternative medicine and also even advise their clients to choose the best natural treatment for them.

    One of the advantages of alternative medicine is that it encompasses a broad range of therapies, treatments and products, thus the search for obtaining positive results doesn’t flow on a narrow path at all.

    A pretty important disadvantage states the idea that, even though the expenses of using acupuncture or chiropractic are sometimes covered by health insurances, the majority of alternative treatments are not reimbursed.

    There are certain risks that come along with the usage of natural remedies. Despite the use of herbs throughout the years and even ancient times, not all of them have been studied regarding their safety and efficiency. There are issues concerning their purity and their possible interaction with other substances related to conventional therapies. The majority of information regarding herbs have been perpetuated throughout history and with the help of tradition. Many people assume that herbal medicines are better than synthetic drugs simply because, well, they are natural and not synthetic, therefore present no risk. But they are not risk free; they can do more harm than good if taken without having the details of their effects over the body.

    People might abuse of natural medicines the same way as they do it in the case of synthetic drugs. They have the misconception that if unconventional medicine consists of herbal products which are natural, then there is no harm done if they triple the dosage or more. This is totally wrong and can have serious consequences. Take vitamins for example. They are just vitamins, right? They can’t possibly do any damage inside the body. But they do. Vitamin overdosing or vitamin toxicity can lead to unpleasant effects depending on the vitamin that has been taken one too many times. Vitamin A over dosage can cause liver problems, osteoporosis, hair loss and other dangerous effects and Hypervitaminosis D leads to dehydration, vomiting, anorexia and even kidney stones.

    An advantage of using herbal remedies concerns the effectiveness related with chronic health issues that don’t respond well or even at all to traditional medicines. If long term medication is needed, then herbs are pretty much safer than conventional drugs. The alternative medicine industry takes advantage from this and keeps evolving and developing due to the constant need for natural remedies.

    Another advantage is the low cost of herbal products compared to synthetic drugs which are highly priced for the simple reason that researching and testing the products is expensive. Furthermore, herbal products can be bought without a prescription and are easy to procure. The availability of natural remedies is outstanding; chamomile for example can be easily picked out from a nearby field.

    The advantages of using herbal medicines are numerous, but so are the disadvantages. The best idea would be to consider modern medicine according to the severity of the illness, to consult a physician upon the proper medication and dosage and if you do chose the alternative medicine, try to gather enough information upon both kinds of treatments, natural or synthetic, so you may reassure yourself that you took the right decision to balance your health situation.

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    Source by Peter Rosenblum

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  • Wrong Reasons For Getting Married – (1) Marrying Out of Sympathy

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    There are right and wrong reasons for getting married. The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong reason. There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry. One of the wrong reasons and perhaps among the most prominent of the wrong reasons is marrying out of sympathy.

    There are many scenarios under this subheading of marrying out of sympathy that relationship coaches experience in the course of counseling and coaching. Some of the most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex and getting married to a person just because one’s brother or sister jilted that person. Between these two extremes, are those who start relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve. Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbors who are being maltreated. Women fall into this kind of challenge too.

    When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful emotion. It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc. If the man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her attitudes, desires and mindset. He does not stop to find out what life purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into his own desires. If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young man, he would remain loyal to her forever.

    Findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking. If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he or she will do what all captives do, “flee”. Fleeing here may not mean running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the environment. In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as saviors and lordships. This is usually resisted, first psychologically and later verbally. And there goes your peace and comfort.

    Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other. Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would not be allowed into. Once these secret feelings are there, it produces reactive communication instead of responsive communication.

    These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship. This arises from the fact that as the usual challenges appear in the scene, instead of the woman finding a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the pregnancy. Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there is no way they would end up with the man they are married to. Instead of seeing the usual marriage and child rearing challenges as learning opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way. Some blame the child that resulted from the pregnancy. Hatred for a child has been known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.

    For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually overwhelmed. They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes. They now live the rest of their lives in regret, withdrawal or wickedness or under the influence of these three negative but powerful emotions.

    It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for joyful relationship. If while in a relationship with the opposite sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you, then there is no other reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.

    Interestingly, many marriages out there are based on sympathy.

    Young single adults (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face or to save somebody from suffering. Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no sexual intimacy is included. There is need to remember that sexual intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage contract. You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy is mainly for procreation and to cement companionship.

    The excitement and pleasure that accompany sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it. Any other use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of the law. And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law. In most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external court to try you and no external prison to sentence you. But there are internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland where your hard labor would be performed if you commit this offense.

    What is the way to go?

    Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on sympathy, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage – companionship and procreation. Remember the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelled out, though. Latter-day prophets have clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful marriage is ordained of God”. These are the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the plan for marriage with someone. Both parties ought to know and understand this fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like standing the building on its roof.

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    Source by Francis Nmeribe

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