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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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  • Living Alone with Hemiparesis

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    Safety would be the primary concern of course when people with hemiparesis live alone or are alone for extended amounts of time. Of course your first references are your doctor, physical therapist and occupational therapists especially. This being stated, I can offer insights on some important items to consider in practical aspects of living alone after a traumatic brain injury or a stroke that result in a severe muscle weakness along the left or right side of the body and is sometimes exhibited in slight nerve damage as with me. Perhaps instead of living by them selves, it would be better to consider us living independently. At this writing, I will have reached almost thirty years of living with hemiparesis. Most of this time I was living alone and working as an engineer and writer, author.

    For us, the detrimental effects of hemiparesis are still prevalent even after initial rehabilitation and limited recovery. The effects can change with extreme variation.

    Effects When Tired or Awoken

    When the body is tired, effects can be worse and certainly more dangerous when living alone. An example is if awoken in the night, maybe by thirst, a call, or other concern. Even a healthy person could possibly stumble on sleepy legs or with eyes half open, but for those with left or right hemiparesis, the negative effects are magnified. A stumble can turn into a fall and possibly a head injury since one arm has poor strength, does not react quickly and is not likely to stop a fall. If a foot drags slightly during the day with shoes, then it can be so much worse at night even so unsafe that the person will roll over the toes so as to bruise them and fall forward on the weak side. Lessons learned here emphasize the need for uncluttered floors and hallways. A stray shoe on the floor or even newspaper can prove disastrous. Either could throw off the balance suddenly for a waking person especially in the dark.

    This brings up a suggestion for low level lighting in the home or apartment. Economical battery operated motion detector lights are available at many stores now or a search online. Even if a cane is not needed during the day; it would be wise to have a cane near the bed, even a quad cane for late night awakenings or an early morning rising. In the morning, there are other issues as tightened up leg muscles that need stretching before safely moving.

    Shower and Bathroom Safety

    Morning stretching is important, especially as we who are injured age but more importantly, shower safety needs to be addressed. There is much assistive devices available and occupational therapists can communicate effectively the needs here, however I can give you my thoughts. These are that it can be quite scary at times, especially if you have had an accident, falling in the shower, tub or bathroom before. You will need to be able to have something within reach on your good side to grab onto, basically at all times. Please note that if you can’t use the screwed in support rails and use the bars with suction cups, you really need at least two bars together. Redundant support as these are known t slip and when you have water or soap in your eyes and reach out with the bar slipping, it can be devastating. I would recommend having a bar on the entry or exit and on the opposite side. This way if a person with hemiparesis turns around there is always a bar on the good side.

    But it does not stop there. Bathroom floors are usually smooth surfaces and with one foot having no or minimal grab, then any water on a smooth tile or marble surface is like ice and can easily cause a fall when drying. Rubber backed rugs are most often used but can bunch up under feet. A work around solution for these throw rugs is rubber strips with adhesive on both sides. The local hardware store will have some rug grippers or search the web

    Dressing

    This is an area again where an occupational therapist assures you are prepared with any assistive devices for reaching around the weak side or fastening in back and collar. However, I can emphasize that so much more time needs to be available, just in case. Even though, there are assistive devices and there is ample training in doing this usually available before even leaving the hospital.

    Food Preparation, Cooking Kitchen Safety

    One’s ability to prepare meals will vary. I understand it’s good to be independent but in the kitchen it just may be smarter to minimize preparation with knives or stovetop. Even the oven can cause burns and fire easily. Having a cardboard pizza box fall onto a hot broiler iron can start a fire that is not too easy for someone with a disability to put out quickly. Sure there are now small convenient fire extinguishers available but some often need two good hands to operate correctly and then even finding it quickly can be an issue for trauma, brain injury or stroke victims.

    Fortunately, there has been an improvement In microwave dinners. This certainly would not be your first option in the past. However, I have been at this for almost thirty years now and I really have seen a great variety come on the market and costs go down. Good, healthy dinners can be cooked in one minute. I still bake chicken and pizze plus a few others but safety really needs to bethe forst priority. Losing balance and reaching out to find as hot frying pan to lean on can happen and I have personal experience, it’s not a quick heal having a burn in the palm of your good hand. Agsin here as in the bathroom, a rug with rubber backing and rug grabbers should be required.

    Mind Body Health Needs

    Concentration and Focus are the key in most everything that the person with hemiparesis might have to overcome. That is why ongoing brain training is so important.

    Human interaction, relationships contribute greatly to complex usage of our brain and even helping to stay young. Well living alone minimizes this benefit ad over time can have an adverse effect. Sure, some will say the upward potential may be limited but start with the objective of not losing ability. Without regular exercise, mind or body can atrophy to borrow a term used to describe not using muscles.

    There are free and paid sources on the web. There are now brain improvement magazines at the local supermarket and brain games are popular and effective, most even for one hand use.

    Geographic Area Specific Issues

    Depending on your locality, power outages can occur during natural events mostly as snow or ice storms, hurricanes, tornadoes. When living on the eastern coast, I lost power even when their was a high windstorm. Natural events as this can have an impact on people living with hemiparesis just as they do for others with a disability, elderly or families in general. However preparedness is the key here and living alone increases importance of having battery lighting, food, water, cell phone, radio, all available and easily attainable in possibly in the dark.

    The power loss may be worse in cold weather for this condition as detrimental effects can disable some people with this extreme muscle weakness and possibly nerve damage. This varies of course depending on person or injury but in general arms and legs can start shaking uncontrollably and a serious limitation to mobility. Poor effects are also exhibit in sudden changes of weather. Each person may experience this differently but a check with your physician is best.

    To assist in times as these, warm clothing, even a safe generator where it can be installed in a home as a backup are suggestions with heat packs available at sporting good stores or camping supply shop.

    Summary

    Some of the techniques and tips outlined here may seem obvious to some or simple but they are not always thought of ahead of time before they are used. This is evident in support forums online, knowing individuals and my own thirty years of living with hemiparesis. There are of course more but in general, consideration that movements can be slow at times as can thinking. An important point is if there is a loss of balance or tripping, it will most likely be on the weak side which of course doesn’t react fast nor have enough hand strength usually to hang on to something firmly. This is why safety is the first priority when living alone with this injury.

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    Source by Leon Edward

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  • Heal Your Sexual Abuse Issues

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    Have you ever experienced sexual abuse? Do you know that the negative experience you had may still be affecting you in the present?

    In my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I discovered that many women, and even some men, experienced sexual abuse. As I counseled the clients, they became aware of the negative decisions they had made from their sexual exploitation. In fact, many years later those painful thoughts were still affecting their lives in negative ways.

    Some of the symptoms that it still influenced their lives were low self-esteem, avoiding dating, struggling in their relationships, not enjoying their sexuality, hiding their physical beauty, shyness, and doing everything to please others.

    I included 14 hurtful thoughts that caused the above symptoms that I heard from many of the clients of all ages. Can you relate to any of them?

    14 Negative decisions based on sexual abuse include:

    1) I feel shame.

    2) I am bad and dirty.

    3) I am not safe in the world.

    4) I can’t trust men not to hurt me.

    5) My parent or parents betrayed me because they did not protect me.

    6) I can’t trust people I love to be there for me.

    7) I should have stopped it.

    8) Sex is painful, dirty and wrong.

    9) Men want me only for my body.

    10) I feel guilty because it felt good.

    11) I feel different than others; I am an outsider.

    12) I have to hide my secret so people do not judge me.

    13) I have to do what others want me to or I am not safe or loved.

    14) It is not safe for me to get attention from men.

    For example, Susan was molested by her father. As a result, she hated men and that affected all her relationships with the opposite sex. She also was very cute, free- spirited and loving as a child and that is when her father started to molest her. Her decision was many of the above negative beliefs, as well as it is not safe to be free, happy and shine. She just did what people wanted to stay safe. Her self-esteem was very low and that affected her social interactions and professional success. To stuff her pain, she overate and was obese.

    Her mother knew but did nothing to protect Susan. (Mothers often cannot deal with the rejection so they deny it, and may also be afraid of their partners.) To help Susan, I suggested that she imagine her mother in front of her and say, “You did the best you could with the information you had, I forgive you.”

    Then I helped Susan release the other negative thoughts based on her negative experiences, and she felt much better, began speaking up for herself, and her relationship improved.

    By the way, sexual abuse is one major cause of weight issues. Nancy told me that whenever she was thin, men made sexual comments and she did not feel safe. The weight is her wall of protection. “Helene, she said, “I have to make myself unattractive with my unattractive hairstyle, baggy clothes, and fat, for the men to leave me alone!”

    Can you relate to Susan or Nancy? If you do, it would be very beneficial to release those hurtful decisions, so that you can enjoy a healthy and happy life.

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    Source by Helene Rothschild

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  • What Is a Relationship Mission Statement

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    RELATIONSHIP VISION

    Aligning values in relationships is a good thing to do intentionally. Think about how most people go through relationships. Does one person give up important values for the other? Is there conflict in the relationship? These things usually happen when values and beliefs aren’t talked about and don’t align with each other. Most conflicts in any relationship is due to differing values or beliefs. After all if we all agreed on what is most important there would be no need to argue. A Relationship Mission Statement can help!

    WE ALL COME FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS

    Think about how you grew up, your environment, money, food, school and so many other things. Did you partner grow up the same? Did your parents teach you different lessons regarding TV, meals, religion, or friends then you partner? We all bring expectations into our relationships but most likely they aren’t the same for each of us. So why do we think things are supposed to magically work out without talking about it, creating goals, or aligning values. Eventually if the bumps can’t be smoothed out then couples tend to search for someone like me. This is not a bad thing, seeing a professional can be incredibly helpful and restore the peace and longevity of your relationship.

    CHECKING IN WITH YOUR PARTNER

    For now let me provide you a simple way to check in with each other, communicate, and look at the future. Creating a Relationship Vision is a simple and helpful tool. It doesn’t take much time and can really target the lasting happiness of your relationship.

    A few steps to creating a Relationship Vision Sit down by yourself for about 30 minutes. Remember it doesn’t have to be done in one day.

    SIMPLE STEPS TO FOLLOW

    1. Go for the positive

    When brainstorming phrase things in a positive manner. For example instead of saying “we don’t argue” say “we will settle things calmly and peacefully” or “we trust each other” instead of “we won’t be jealous”.

    2. Write down your non-negotiables and desires

    Write down your “must-haves” such as “we will parent together” or “exercise is important” or “we will communicate openly and respect each other’s perspective”. You could also write things like, “going outside of our union is non negotiable”, “monogamy is of the utmost importance “, “attending church is a priority”, “traveling and experiencing the world with my partner is a high priority.” Make sure it’s not a laundry list for your partner, i.e. he mows the lawn and she does the laundry.

    3. Explore several areas of a relationship

    Since we have a multifaceted life it is important to address as many of these as you feel necessary. Expressing wants, desires, and values with sex, finances, lifestyle, parenting, career in-laws, leisure time and education are just a few of the things you may want to consider in You Relationship Vision. Answer questions about these topics such as what do I enjoy in my free time? How important are finances? Do I want to work full time? Do I need a 401k? What about insurance? Does my job need to provide this? What percentage or amount of time do we spend with in-laws? How do we allow them to interact with the children? Is sex satisfying? Do we want to explore new sexual ideals? Do the answers align with my values?

    4. Come together

    Come together as a couple and discuss the things you agree on first. Then Discuss what is negotiable and create short sentences expressing what is important to both of you. Leave the things that you don’t agree on for last. See if you can compromise on these issues if not this is where someone like me comes in. Having a professional help couples work through the hard stuff is helpful and will benefit your relationship for a lifetime.

    5. Come up with your statement.

    It doesn’t have to be long, complicated or directive. As a matter of practicality it’s better to make it succinct, covering the overarching theme of your intentions for your relationship.

    Examples

    We are co-creators of our lives, sharing a desire to love and be loved unconditionally, by consciously determining our behaviors and the outcomes we wish for ourselves and our family. We value respect, trust, non-judgment and self-control. We bring our best selves to this union, casting out destructive, egocentric motivations so that we may achieve the most positive and loving lifestyle we are capable of.

    We agree to always love and cherish each other and recognize how fortunate we both are; each of us consider ourselves the ‘lucky one.’ We build a healthy lifestyle together, where we support each other in getting exercise, eating well, having fun, resting and relaxing. We make all important decisions together, as a team. We don’t keep secrets from each other. We confide in each other and feel safe in each other’s care.

    We’re together to build a loving family and teach our children about healthy relationships. We create a sense of stability by having some routine but also make time for fun and spontaneity. We don’t intentionally hurt each other, but recognize we still do – and so we quickly and readily apologize. We take care of each other.

    6. Schedule a time

    Weekly, monthly, quarterly or whatever works for you, but make sure you come together to gauge if you are on track. This is the best way to ensure you both get your needs met and can address it if you’ve gotten off track. This will also provide space for growth. Since nothing in life stays the same, people, situations, events, or relationships, this provides room to renegotiate, change your Relationship Vision as the both of you change.

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    Source by Roxanna Teeling

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  • The Importance of Randomized DOT Drug Testing

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    Catch Drivers Off-Guard

    There is a reason for randomizing the DOT drug testing. If drivers know when to expect the drug test every month or every quarter, they’re going to know when to stop using drugs, if they are using. They will know exactly how long it takes to flush out of their system in order to get a negative result.

    By randomizing it, you catch drug abusing drivers off guard. They never know when you are going to call them in for a drug test, and therefore if they are using, you are likely going to catch it. This will allow you to learn more about your drivers and keep the roads safe. If for any reason you catch an employee who is using, you will be able to apply the necessary disciplinary action, which can include termination.

    Deter Drug Users

    You want to be smart about who you bring onto your team. You don’t want drug users and therefore, you may be able to detect any of them when you announce that you offer a randomized DOT drug testing. The moment they hear randomized, they know they will not be able to beat the system. Therefore, they are likely not even going to apply to your company – they will move on to someone who has yet to randomize their testing.

    Ensure No One is Being Targeted

    Employees often like to say that employers play favorites. This is something you have to be extremely cautious of. If you don’t randomize your drug testing, it’s likely that someone will feel as though they are being targeted. Particularly if you have a third-party running the program, no one will be able to claim such a thing.

    It Allows You to Be Complaint

    The DOT wants to be sure that you are running the best program possible. This means that they want you to be randomized, and being compliant is of the utmost importance. If the Department of Transportation decides to conduct an audit on your location and you are found to not be randomizing your DOT drug testing, you could be fined.

    In the end, there are plenty of reasons as to why you want to conduct a randomized drug test. Whether you are a large company or an owner-operator, you need to remain compliant. This doesn’t have to be a task that you do completely on your own. Assistance is available to conduct all of the drug testing, and manage the entire program, should you desire.

    Take the time to explore your current system and determine whether it is running effectively or not. If you aren’t randomizing the drug testing, get started right away. If you are inundated with the process, seek assistance.

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    Source by Jeff Weigang

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  • 5 Tips for Dating Slavic Women

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    Depending on how young is the lady you fancy and where she had grown up (in a western country or somewhere in Russia, Belarus, or Ukraine), she will behave more or less like the typical Slavic woman. Girls who grew up in western countries may behave similar to western females. But if she finished school in countries of the post-USSR, then she definitely will have some specific expectations that you need to take in consideration in your approach.

    1. Dress up.

    A well dressed man is a pleasant sight for most females. But Slavic women dating rule book has a special place for an elegant man, as Russian, Ukrainian ladies love to dress up themselves. If you look sloppy, she will not feel comfortable and may decide you are not a suitable match. Wearing a jacket, nice pants, and a collared shirt with laced-up shoes will make you look more attractive for women of Slavic origin.

    2. Bring flowers.

    Most westerners think it’s too much to give a woman flowers on the first date. But if a woman is from the former USSR, she expects it as a necessary gesture of adherence to the polite courtship ritual (as opposed to a guy simply trying to pick her up). FSU dating culture still insists on a man bringing a bouquet for a lady on the first date, or she will think you do not respect her. How do you find out if the Slavic girl you have a date with expects flowers from a man? Ask her if she likes flowers. If she says, “Of course!”, then ask her what kind of flowers she likes. If she can give you an instant answer, she is definitely into the “flower dating culture” and you are safe to bring a bunch of pretty blossoms. (Sure, if she says she doesn’t like flowers, no need to do it.)

    3. Court her.

    Courting means looking after your girl on a date as if she was a dainty lady: Open doors, move chairs, offer your hand when she exits a car, hold her coat for her to slip in. Things that gentlemen used to do for their ladies in 1950s. (Ask your grandmother if you struggle to understand what it’s all about.) These little gestures are still in vogue among Slavic girls and she will be really impressed, as most westerners don’t do it. That’s a sure way to separate yourself from all the other guys trying to woo her.

    4. Make decisions.

    Every Slavic girl wants to meet a “real man”. What does she mean by that? Someone who is decisive and confident. This means, book a restaurant (you can even find a good Russian restaurant, she will approve), decide what you do before and after, ask what she is going to eat prior the waiter coming and order for her, and so on. She wants to feel that she can simply relax and rely on you. That’s what Slavic women seek in a partner.

    5. Pick the bill.

    If you offer to split expenses, this will be the last time you see your Slavic girl. In Russia and Ukraine, men still pay for dates -moreover, a Russian guy would feel insulted if a woman offered to go halves, as if she thought he wasn’t a “real man”.

    If you follow these 5 easy tips, your dates with Slavic ladies will definitely go smoother.

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    Source by Elena Petrova

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  • How to Lose 60 Pounds in 2 Months

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    Is it possible to lose 60 pounds in 2 months? Yes, it is, and many people have done this before. You can do this as well if you do the right way.

    Is it safe to lose 60 pounds in 2 months? Well, it depends as everybody is unique. It may be safe for others, but it doesn’t mean it is safe for you.

    So what’s wrong with dropping 60 pounds in 2 months? There is nothing wrong with losing weight quickly, as long as it’s done the right way. You know that in theory, one could drop as much as 20 pounds a week following a very ambitious eating and exercise plan, devoting more than seven hours per week to rigorous exercise, and under a physician’s care.

    You would need to lose only 7-8 pounds a week to reach your goal, which is far less than 20 pounds a week. I think there’s nothing wrong losing 60 pounds in 2 months if you don’t have any health issues. Do consult your doctor first before you go for it to be sure it’s safe for you as I already mentioned, everyone is different. What is safe for others may not be safe for you.

    The very important key to lose 60 pounds in 2 months is to plan your diet and exercise very well. You need a proper plan to stick with. The plan must fit your daily lifestyle, the one that you are able to follow, not just quit after a week or less.

    The first thing you need to do is to find out why you can’t lose weight.

    1. Can you reduce high calorie foods and drinks?

    2. Do you feel stressed when you don’t have your favorite foods?

    3. Is exercise killing you?

    4. Are you too tired to exercise because you’re obese?

    5. Are you bored with following the diet program?

    6. Do you think you have tried many weight loss programs but they don’t seem to work for you?

    The list goes on and on. As you may already know that the basic rule of losing weight is to eat less but to maintain a healthy diet and exercise more. It sounds very simple to say but it isn’t in practice. You could overcome this issue by gradually changing your lifestyle. I understand that it takes time and you may not lose 60 pounds as fast as you want. That’s why you need to find out the right plan for yourself by trying out many weight loss programs and see what works best for you. Most people who successfully lost weight may have had many failures but it didn’t stop them from trying. You need to keep your motivation high in term of weight loss. Think positive and you’ve already won half the battle.

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    Source by Susan Boyce

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  • Cash Register Basics and Functions

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    A cash register is one of the devices that are used within a sales establishment and which are being operated by a sales clerk. This is usually used to calculate the total number of sale a customer was able to purchase, and will also give the people the proper change and the respective receipts with what they are buying. Attached to a cash register is a cash drawer, and this drawer will open during the process of the transaction and will allow the cashier to make the change necessary for the customer. If there are no changes required, the receipts will just immediately comes out from the said device. Cash register is commonly seen within a department store, since it is one way where they can give fast services to their customers.

    Instead of making manual calculations with all the items being purchased by the customer, cash register is one way for you to calculate all the sales right away and without any waste of time, you can immediately give the fast services that your customer expect from you. In order to start the process with this cash register, the sales clerk will only scan a certain item with its corresponding bar code scanner, and this will allow the register to display the current price of each item being purchase by the customer. When the sales clerk is done with it, she will then put the payment amount on the register and immediately calculation will certain follow. If there are change that should be given to the customer, the cash drawer will also open immediately for the cashier to get the change, and the receipts will immediately follow.

    A receipt will come out when the process is already completed, and the items are being keyed out of the store’s inventory records right away. This record will help the store to have an accurate check during their inventory. In every item being purchase, there is also a corresponding record on it. The register will going to keep each record of every item being purchase, and it will be printed out at the end of the day for their inventory. It is also advisable that cash drawers will be counted from time to time in order to ensure that the cash register always has its appropriate amount of money in order to conduct the process. If you are going to handle the said device, make sure to observe strictly the procedures and safety precautions, so that all transactions are made to be safe. The safety rules, programming of the department key, basic set up of the said device, and all transactions necessary to operate the cash register must always be taken into consideration.

    Cash registers make every transaction fast and easy especially for the sales clerk. A simple scan of every item will immediately program the different records of each item. This device will not only benefit the customers, but in the same manner it is also a great advantage for the store owner since it will enable them to have an accurate inventory at the end of the day.

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    Source by Louisse Deannise Medina

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  • Holistic Healing for Digestive Disorders

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    The digestive system is very crucial. It assists the body to absorb required nutrients and eliminate waste products. Any problems affecting it can lead to a lot of discomforts. The National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases estimates that the number of Americans affected by digestive disorders to be 60 to 70 million. Luckily, there are natural, holistic healing remedies that can eliminate these diseases. Digestive disorders include the following.

    Heartburn (acid reflux) is a symptom of Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD). It occurs when contents from the stomach move back into the esophagus causing irritation.

    Gas is simply the air inside your digestive tract. It enters the gut when you swallow it and when undigested foods in your large intestine are broken down by bacteria to release it. Its symptoms include passing gas, burping, stomach pain and bloating.

    • Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) occurs when the contents of your stomach return into the esophagus leading to heartburn. GERD is caused by unexpected relaxation of the lower esophageal sphincter.
    • Diarrhea is characterized by loose, watery stools. It leads to malabsorption and dehydration. Diarrhea can be caused by food allergies and intolerances, infections, problems in the digestive tract and medicine side effects.
    • Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) is a term used to describe two disorders that lead to inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract. They are ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease. They both cause abdominal pain, severe diarrhea, stomach cramps, weight loss, and fatigue.
    • Constipation is characterized by fewer than normal bowel movements (less than three a week) or dry, hard and difficult bowel movements that are painful to pass. Other symptoms of constipation may include bloating and stomach pain.
    • Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a condition that occurs in the large intestine (colon). It leads to bloating, abdominal pain, diarrhea, gas, and constipation. It is still not clear what causes IBS.

    Nutritional Response testing is the perfect holistic healing remedy to deal with digestive disorders. This form of treatment is pegged on the concept that the body knows and is able to correct its problems. The technique first analyzes the body to identify the root cause of the disorders after which nutritional support and lifestyle changes are recommended to help the body heal itself. Unlike traditional forms of treatment, it does not attempt to mask the symptoms. Instead, it tackles the underlying cause of the problem.

    Holistic Healing

    The first instinct when we experience pain and physical discomfort is to visit a medical professional to address the disease. This is not wrong, and it’s sometimes the best way to deal with the situation. However, physical pain is usually a manifestation of an underlying greater imbalance. Holistic healing appreciates this fact. Instead of dealing with the physical aspect only, it addresses the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects, too. It is not a quick fix. It is a journey to a more balanced lifestyle.

    The body contains different types of chemicals including neurotransmitters, enzymes, and hormones. Chemical imbalances can lead to many disorders in the body. Some diets can inhibit or stimulate hormone production and neurotransmitters thus leading to chemical imbalances. What appears to work for one individual might not work for another. That is why Nutritional Response Testing is perfect for identifying chemical imbalances. It can be customized to fit each individual’s needs.

    Are you struggling with any disorders? Are you looking for a safe, less invasive and effective treatment to deal with your condition? Nutritional Response testing is one of the best holistic healing remedies. You don’t have to suffer any longer.

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    Source by Dr. Louis Granirer

    Views: 0

  • 5 Best Homeopathic Medicines for Asthma

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    Homeopathy is a secure science that offers an everlasting therapy for asthma. Homeopathic medicines work splendidly nicely to remove asthma at the root. Those treatments activate the body's own restorative processes, mainly strengthening its natural recuperation system to make it strong sufficient to combat the situation. In case asthma is allergic in origin, Homeopathic start by way of treating the hypersensitive reactions inflicting the asthma to completely uproot the disease. Homeopathic medicine treatments are herbal, safe and free from any adverse side effects. They may be prescribed to people of all age groups. Top listed Homeopathic medicines for asthma encompass Arsenic Album, Antimonium Tart, Spongia Tosta, Ipecac and Drosera Rotundifolia.

    Homeopathic Medicine for Asthma

    Arsenic Album
    Arsenic Album is one of the best Homeopathic medicines for asthma. The signs and symptoms indicative of use Arsenic Album are suffocative cough, wheezing, and shortness of breath. That receives worse round midnight is likewise dealt with nicely with this medicine. Every other critical guiding feature for the use of Arsenic Album is bronchial asthma that alternatives with skin rash or eczema.

    Spongia Tosta
    Spongia Tosta is a help for asthma with dry cough. The cough in this situation can be deep, barking, hacking kind. The cough is attended with excessive dryness of all the air passages. Together with dry cough, whistling from the chest on inspiration in noted. Respiratory is likewise tough. In most instances, warm liquids deliver remedy from the cough.

    Antimonium Tartaricum
    Antimonium Tartaricum is an extremely good for asthma with immoderate, rattling cough. The cough is loose, rattling and the lungs experience complete of mucus. Mucus from the lungs is raised with lots trouble. Respiration is rapid and difficult. Excessive suffocation is located. The suffocation worsens on lying down, with a need to sit up.

    Ipecac and Sambucus Nigra
    Ipecac and Sambucus Nigra are tremendous for treating asthma in kids. Ipecac works well when there's excessive cough with mucus rales in chest. The cough is observed by means of suffocation, shortness of breath and gasping for air. The kid may additionally emerge as blue and stiff all through the assault. Homeopathic medicine Sambucus Nigra is indicated for night time episodes in kids. A child in want of Sambucus Nigra wakes up abruptly at night time, with cough and suffocation.

    Dulcamara and Natrum Sulfuricum
    Dulcamara and Natrum Sulfuricum are very beneficial for asthma in damp weather. Amongst them, Dulcamara is the high quality prescription for loose, rattling asthmatic cough in damp weather where the person has to cough a long time to expel phlegm. Natrum Sulfuricum is the maximum beneficial Homeopathic medicinal medicine in which cough with thick, ropy, inexperienced phlegm is present. Natrum Sulfuricum also works properly in which the asthma worsens round 4 am and 5 am. Natrum Sulfuricum is also most of the top grade Homeopathic medicines for treating in kids.

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    Source by Praveen Kumar

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