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Tag: Reasons

  • What Can I Say To Make My Husband Understand The Pain That His Cheating Has Caused?

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    It’s very common from me to hear from wives who are struggling to explain to their husbands just how much his cheating or affair hurt them and caused them pain. But often, their husband doesn’t react in the way that they were hoping for and they are looking for a way to explain their feelings so that he actually understands them.

    I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I have repeatedly tried to explain to my husband the depth of and reasons for my pain after his infidelity, but he either doesn’t want to hear it or he’s not understanding what I’m saying. Sometimes, I pour my heart out to him and try to explain how he has hurt me and all I get is blank stare back or empty assurances that he really is trying. This is so frustrating to me because I need him to understand the extent of my pain so that I can have some reassurance that he’ll never cheat again. I want him to understand why I sometimes act in the way that I do because of what a grave mistake he has made. But part of me thinks that he’s unwilling or just incapable of hearing me. How can I explain my pain in a way that he’ll actually understand and be willing to listen?” I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

    Pick The Right Time And Know That, Once You Start Repeating Yourself, Your Words Lose Their Effectiveness: I hear from both wives who are faithful and husbands who are not on my blog and I can tell you that if you are constantly talking about your hurt and pain, eventually, even the most sincere husband will begin to tune you out. One reason for this is that no one wants to constantly be reminded of the pain that they have caused. And husbands will often want to place their focus on moving on while the wife wants to place her focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

    This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or just doesn’t want to hear it. But, at least sometimes, he hears your words as accusations. He might constantly hear that his selfishness and weakness has hurt you deeply and this just isn’t a message that he wants to hear on a continual basis, day after day. Men will often give comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much the infidelity has hurt her. I do believe and understand that and I’m sorry for it. But, do I really need or have to listen to what an awful person I am every single day? How many times does she need to explain where I went wrong or how awful I am before she will feel satisfied that she’s said it enough? I tell her I’m deeply sorry. I listen. But it doesn’t seem to be enough and we repeat this process constantly.”

    I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t regularly discuss and try to work through the infidelity. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your way and the dynamics that are at play here. If you really want your husband to listen and to take your words to heart, then sometimes you have to pick the right time and limit the message so that it has the maximum impact.

    Consider What Your Husband Is Actually Going To Hear Before You Say The Words: I alluded to this in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message that your husband hears has more to do with your tone and your delivery than the words that you say. So you might say something like “your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It’s made me doubt your integrity and your love and commitment to me. It’s affected my self esteem and my level of trust. And I’m not sure when things are going to get any better.”

    But what he hears is often something more in line with: “your poor decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage. You are an awful, selfish person with very little impulse control. And your actions have caused me so much pain that I might not ever fully recover. Because of this, I am going to feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think of you. And, this is going to be our lot in life from this day on because I don’t anticipate any changes.”

    These examples might seem a little extreme, but they aren’t that far off from the comments that I hear. An unfaithful husband can hear a message that you never intended. And because of this, he is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often take this to mean he isn’t listening or he just doesn’t care and so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course, this just keeps the cycle going. She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten down and neither person is getting what they want or need.

    If you think about it, what you probably really want is to feel heard. You want for him to know, understand, (and even feel) your pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat again and more likely to show the remorse that so many of us really want and need. So, think about what’s most likely to accomplish this.

    You don’t want to come across as too accusatory or too despondent because unfortunately, these things will contribute to him feeling defensive and to tuning you out. Instead, you want to use “I” phrases so that it sounds as if you’re talking responsibility for your own feelings and you’re not just trying to lay on the blame or make him feel continuously guilty for the rest of his life. And, you want to choose the time when your message is most likely to be heard. You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when you’re main goal is to hurt him. I’ve found that the message is often more likely to be heard if you say it when things are going a little more positively and both people are calm.

    An Example Of What To Say To Express The Pain His Cheating Has Caused: An example would be something like: “if this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain how much your infidelity has hurt me. I’m not doing this to punish you or to paint you as a horrible person. I love you and don’t think you’re an awful person, but I need to feel as though you care enough to hear me. And I need to know that you truly understand so that you will hesitate to cheat again. Having someone who you love more than anything betray you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have ever imagined. It calls into doubt things about your marriage and yourself that are just devastating. Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the rolls were reversed? Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so that we can begin to move forward once and for all. I don’t intend to keep bringing this up, but before I move on, I need to know that you truly understand.”

    Phrasing like this is much more likely to get the response and the understanding that you are after. But you can only play this card so often before your husband begins to tune you out. So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to begin to move forward so that your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continuously punish him.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

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  • My Wife Feels Trapped in the Marriage

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    My wife feels trapped in the marriage and she wants me to leave her alone. For some reasons, she seems to lose her passion in the marriage. When you tried asking her many times, she will shun your questions to answer you. When this is happening to your marriage, it is obvious that something is bothering your wife and you do not know what to do.

    Your wife probably feels that her needs are not being met. She is most likely to be in a frustration of not knowing what to do and that is why she feels trapped in the marriage. She may also be worried or lost because she is feeling insecure too. If she wants some time to be left alone, just let her be. It will be worse when you try to force or pester her for an answer. You definitely need to find out what went wrong in the marriage, but you should not try to provoke her if she is not ready to share.

    Let her know that you truly care for her and is willing to do whenever she needs help to make her feel secure and even let her know you are willing to make better changes to the relationship. If your wife tells you that she is feeling trapped in the marriage because of issues like freedom and trust from you, then you should self evaluate the treatment you give her. Are you not giving her enough space? Did you always doubt her on the things she does? Did both of you quarrel over any particular things over and over again?

    It can be any reason that she feels trapped in the marriage. Most importantly, you have to find out the problems and work on it. Miscommunication is often one big misunderstanding that can create troubles to a marriage. There are always ways to compromise each other to make the relationship better. Other than that, keeping your marriage alive and interesting is one great success to lifelong marriage.

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    Source by Anastacia Huang

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  • The Health Benefits of Cheese at Your Mexican Grill

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    Cheese is delicious. It’s one of nature’s greatest gifts, we think. Cheese fills everyone’s heart with happiness, your mouth will delightedness, and your soul with goodness. That’s probably one of the reasons you’re likely to find at your local Mexican grill hard-working, dedicated employees banded together in the kitchen to hand-grate piles of fresh, delicious, nutritious cotija cheese. Mounds of it! Mountains of it, even.

    At the Mexican grill they grate enough cotija cheese to make the Pied Piper lose control of his mice. And the Pied Piper isn’t going to let those mice eat all his cheese. Why? Not just because of the previously noted superior qualities of cheese, though that clearly has quite a lot to do with it. But the real reason that cotija cheese is a beloved staple at the Mexican grill is because cotija is among the greatest possible of all cheeses.

    We know that’s a bold statement. It’s hard to take at face value when there are so many other cheeses available, in all kinds of cultures and all kinds of food. Even Mexican grill food occasionally embraces other kinds of cheese, though we suspect it’s a slightly begrudging kind of foray into the world of cheeses that aren’t the beauty and perfection that cotija is more than happy to bring to the table.

    So why is cotija the most superior of cheeses? Why does “the Parmesan of Mexico” (but so much better than Parm in our opinion!) have it going on?

    Cotija is a salty, crumbly, ridiculously tasty milk cow cheese name after the town Cotija in Mexico. It’s a classic south-of-the-border ingredient, beloved for its tangy zip and unique texture. It’s known as el queso de montaña, or mountain cheese, because its makers live and cheese it up high in the mountains. And that’s where it gets its flavor and color, too-the milk that makes cotija comes straight to us from cows that have been munching on the rich mountain grass that only grows during the short rainy season.

    It’s strongly flavored, great for grating, and found on so many Mexican grill dishes (as is proper). From salads to soups, tacos to tostadas, it’s all enhanced by cotija magic. Best of all, and maybe why the Pied Piper the stamina to keep chasing mice, cotija cheese is so much more than just great-tasting: It’s good for you, too.

    Like most dairy products, cotija a great source of the protein we need to build the tissue of our heart and other muscles and stay healthy. Just one-ounce serving gives you 7 grams of protein, or a whopping 14 percent of your daily recommended amount of protein. Even better, cotija has got plenty of bone-building calcium. And if you’re diabetic or on one of those low-carb diets, it’s important to note that cotija is also low in carbs. So get behind the Piper in line at your nearest Mexican grill to enjoy how cotija can pack a real punch to your tastebuds.

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    Source by Phillip Mullennax

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  • Christian Marriage Help: Five Causes of Weak Marital Boundaries

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    Are you looking for Christian marriage help to enable you to have stronger boundaries? If you have difficulty setting boundaries in your marriage you are probably tolerating more than you should and allowing yourself to be disrespected. Boundaries are simply what you will and won’t do and when communicated to your husband give him feedback on how you want to be treated. Here are five causes of weak marital boundaries:

    You don’t trust your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. If you don’t trust your thoughts, feelings and perceptions, you will doubt your convictions and decisions. You won’t be able to trust that what you want and need in your marriage is valid and worth taking a stand for. In order to stand in your truth, you have to know your truth (Ephesians 6:14).

    You would rather give in than have conflict. If you run from conflict, boundaries will be hard for you. If you feel like you should keep the peace at all costs, then taking any type of stand in your marriage that will mean an argument will be very hard for you. Romans 12:18 says you should do whatever you can to keep the peace, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your beliefs or that you can’t speak your truth.

    You think being a good Christian wife means submitting to your husband in everything. If you believe that God wants you to submit to everything your husband asks, then you will believe that you cannot have boundaries that say no to treatment you don’t want. Submission is part of a balanced partnership where the husband loves his wife and considers her needs as important as his own (Ephesians 5:22-33). You can say no to anything that doesn’t feel right or healthy and you are entitled to have boundaries.

    You are waiting for God to change your husband. If you are waiting for God to change your husband, then you are abrogating your responsibility to take stewardship of your own life. God doesn’t force people to change and he expects you to take responsibility for your own life. If you allow your husband to mistreat you, then you will be enabling him to sin.

    You know your husband won’t respect your boundaries anyway. When you know that something is unacceptable to you and you also know that your husband won’t do what you need him to do, it is harder to set your boundary because you are already figuring out if you have the strength to follow through with whatever consequence or action will be needed.

    Boundaries simply say what you are willing to do and not do. Each partner in a marriage has the right to say no. If you have weak boundaries, you have to understand the reasons why they are weak before you can begin to develop strong boundaries.

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    Source by Karla Downing

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  • Relationship Anxiety – Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Want to Marry Me?

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    Relationships aren’t always viewed as investments, but in many ways that’s exactly what they are. This is especially the case for a woman who is dating a man who is somewhat resistant to the idea of marriage. If you’re that woman, you know that you’ve invested a great deal of time and emotional energy into the connection. It’s understandable that you’d want and expect a diamond ring and a romantic wedding at some point, but what do you do if that end goal is nowhere in sight? If your boyfriend has made it clear to you that he’s not interested in marriage, you’re left flabbergasted. Before you throw in the towel and walk away from everything you two have built, you need some answers. Understanding why he isn’t feeling drawn towards marriage can help you overcome the problem and get things moving in a more positive relationship direction.

    Think About His Reasons for Not Wanting to Marry

    Obviously, by this point you and your boyfriend have discussed the issue of marriage and how you both feel about it. In all likelihood you’ve pushed your boyfriend to share with you where his reservations are coming from. Each man is unique which means that his reasoning for not wanting to take the plunge is going to be specific to him. Generally there are several common threads that seem to run through relationships in which the man isn’t in any rush to get married.

    One of the most common reasons why men refuse to make such a strong commitment is they sense that they’ll lose their own identity when they become a “husband.” Instead of being a self sufficient, single guy they suddenly become one half of a couple who are joined together forever. To most women this sounds like a dream come true but for a man who doesn’t feel emotionally mature, this can be a very frightening proposition. Not only does he see his own identity being pulled away but he senses that his role, from the wedding day forward, is simply to please his wife.

    Other men won’t get down on bended knee to make that all-important proposal because the financial aspect of it weighs heavily on their mind. Men want to be viewed as providers and if your man doesn’t have the means to support himself, let alone you and any potential children in the future, he isn’t going to want to take any steps towards commitment. He also likely won’t reveal his true motivations for not getting engaged. He doesn’t want you to think poorly of him. To a man the most important thing is that the woman he loves sees him as a hero in every sense.

    Devote Your Energy to Helping Him Overcome His Resistance

    There’s something to be said for not pushing a man to commit, but there are obvious exceptions every woman should be aware of. If you believe your boyfriend would love to be married, but he does have some lingering reservations that you’ve been able to identify, you can then start work on helping him move past those.

    It’s not advisable for you to sit down with a man who you believe is struggling with finances so you two can have an honest discussion about how he can’t afford a wedding, let alone an engagement ring. It is helpful if you share with him how you see marriage as an equal partnership and how important it is to you to contribute equally, always. If your boyfriend feels that some of the financial burden has been taken off his shoulders, in a very subtle way by you, that may steer him closer towards a proposal.

    You can also persuade your man to see the gains he’ll make in being married to you, as opposed to the losses he may believe he’ll suffer. If your guy is surrounded by single male friends, this may prove a bit more challenging, but don’t ever view it as impossible.

    Simply start mentioning how important you believe it is that couples always have their own interests. You could even bring up the example of a married friend of yours. Talk about how you think it’s great that her and her husband still have their own independent friends and that they each spend time apart from one another visiting with those friends.

    If your boyfriend senses that your attitude after you marry is going to be that of a woman who doesn’t want her husband spending all his time with her, he’ll be more inclined to see marriage in a much more positive light.

    Be Realistic About the Future of Your Relationship

    Even if you’ve determined why you believe your boyfriend is being hesitant about committing, and you’ve been working at getting him to move past his reservations, there is still a chance that he’ll refuse to marry you.

    If this is the case, it’s important that you look within yourself to decide if waiting endlessly is the right thing for you. Some people just don’t see marriage as something they want in their lives. If this depth of connection is important to you and your boyfriend has continued to resist, even after you’ve helped him understand the benefits of it, it may be time to rethink your future.

    You, and only you, can decide if marriage is a deal breaker within your relationship. If it’s vitally important to you that you two marry, share that with him and leave the ball in his court. If he continues to ignore your needs, you really have to consider whether a partner like that is truly the best choice after all.

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    Source by Gillian Reynolds

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  • Why Multilevel Marketing Recruiters Will Not Tell You What Business It is

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    Have you ever noticed that a Multi level marketing recruiter will not tell you what type of business they are in but rather talking generalities? Why do they do this? Well it is simple if they don't do it this way they will not be able to recruit anybody because if you knew it was a multi level marketing pyramid scheme you would sign up and you would not listen to all of their BS.

    The elusive tactics of the level marketing recruiter are insanely obvious and it is fun to watch them dance around the issue and play games and watch them try to manipulate people in these meetings. Have you ever sat in a coffee shop and listen to the multi-level marketing recruiter pull some kind of scam business on another person sitting and listening to their light of BS. I have and I have heard these recruitments meetings at coffee shops and coffee shop bookstores throughout the nation in my travels.

    Why I have become apalled at the rhetoric and BS and complete disregard for reality that I have contacted the Federal Trade Commission and wrote a 156 page letter in the FTC rulemaking session to see that multi level marketers are stopped from these fraudulent pyramid schemes, fraud and misrepresentations and promises they make to those they try to recruit. I hope that someday the government will actually enforce their laws on the people who are breaking them rather than going after larger companies and trying to extort millions of dollars from them.

    We must stop multilevel marketing recruiters from lying. I have nothing against multi level marketing business and I understand how it works and the business model makes sense for so many reasons however the larger attrition levels and other things that go on in multi level marketing through the sponsors and the down line are often so very wrong. This must be stopped because it is a lie. Consider this 2006.

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    Source by Lance Winslow

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  • Population Distribution or Structure II – Sex, Occupational and Geographical Distributions

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    Sex distribution

    The sex distribution refers to the classification of a given population according to sex or gender (male or female). Sex distribution can easily be obtained from a population census of a given country which shows the total number of males and the total number of females.

    A knowledge of the total number of makes and females in a country will assist the government to make the necessary plans to cater for the population. If, for example, the population of the female is higher than that of the males, it means government will have to plan to provide goods and services for more people because such a country will give rise to high population. Nature has, however tried to balance the number of males with that of the female in such a way that the differences in number between the two is usually very small.

    Occupational distributions

    Occupational distribution of a population refers to the classification of the working population into different types of work they engage in. The occupational distribution in any population is influenced by a number of factors. These include:

    1. The level of education

    2. Availability of natural resources

    3. The level of technology

    4. The types of productive activities.

    The major types of productive activities are primary (extractive), manufacturing, construction, commercial, direct and indirect services. In west Africa for instance, majority of the occupationally distributed population are found in farming, mining fishing and lumbering.

    Geographical distribution

    Geographical distribution of a given population refers to the spread of people into separate geographical areas within a country. The distribution may be due to occupational, presence of mineral resources, historical factors, seat of government, availability of social amenities etc. Reasons for high population density due to geographical distribution are: favorable climate, fertile soil, natural attachment/historical factors, administrative headquarters, employment opportunities, presence of minerals, presence of industries, presence of social amenities and infrastructure, commercial activities and migration.

    Economic Implications or Effects of Increase in the Population of Dependants

    The Dependants are the population that are between 0-17 years, which include the infants, pupils in nursery, primary, secondary and those in tertiary institutions, and the old age (over 60 years that are not working) but depend on the working population (18-60 years) to cater for all their needs or requirement. If the population of the dependents is higher than that of the working class it has the following economic implications: high taxation, increase in prices, increase in government expenditures, low savings, low investment, fall in standard of living, increase in demand for goods and services, increase in imports, decrease in exports and low supply of labor.

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    Source by Funom Makama

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  • My Husband Says That I Am Too High Maintenance

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    Any complaint that causes your husband to disconnect from your marriage, to distance himself from you, or to consider a separation hurts. There is no scenario where this isn’t painful. But I suspect that it can feel a little more painful when the reason for his distance seems personal.

    What I mean by that is that sometimes, a man will be unhappy because of reasons that have to do with him. He may be having a midlife crisis. He may believe that marriage doesn’t suit his ideology. He may be having a personal crisis. I am not saying that these scenarios are not horribly painful. They are. But at least the wife has no reason to blame herself.

    And then there are the scenarios where things do feel personal. These are the instances where your husband is blaming the issues in the marriage on the wife. It could be something that she has done or something about her, about her actions, or about her personality that is the supposed problem.

    Here’s an example. A husband might tell his wife that being with her is “exhausting.” She might explain: “for the past three months or so, I have been noticing my husband acting distant and weird. I confronted him about it right away, but he denied that there was a problem. Then we were at a family gathering this weekend and it was held outside in 90 degree heat. Like everyone else, I said it was hot and wanted to leave after dinner because I felt sick. My husband got angry at me and said he was tired of dealing with my ‘high maintenance personality.’ As we were leaving, he said that being married to me is ‘exhausting’ and that he may want a separation because he can not stand living his life this way anymore. He says that nothing makes me happy and that I can’t just sit back and roll with the punches of life like a normal person. He says that I am spoiled. He says that he feels like he always has to pick up the slack. I admit that I am not as thick skinned as some when it comes to sitting in the heat all day, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. And he knew that when he married me. I told him that I could try to change and he said that people like me never change and that we are just not compatible. He says that I make him ‘feel tired’ and he doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. Where does that leave me? I don’t want to lose my husband. This really hurts my feelings and feels like a personal attack. But I could forgive it and move on if he would give me the chance. The problem is that he does not seem at all receptive to me right now.”

    I understand why you are hurt. These types of issues can feel, and sound, like a criticism. When someone tells you that you are ‘exhausting,’ that phrase makes it seem as if they no longer want to do the work to keep up with you. Of course it hurts.

    Understand The Context In Which The Comments Were Made: I think that your husband’s ‘fatigue’ might be due to the fact that the maintenance issue may have bothered him for a while, but he sat silent and said nothing – even when you asked him what was bothering him. So things built up until they exploded. His silence is not your fault. And things may have been easier now if he had addressed the problem much earlier – before he became so angry that he lashed out at you.

    Know That Context Doesn’t Mean That It Isn’t Time To Take Action: It’s normal to hope that this will blow over. And it may – for now. But any time a husband is uttering words that indicate he is tired of your marriage or thinks that there is a compatibility issue, you want to pay very close attention and you want to take action right away. I say this not to scare you, but from the concerned place of someone who was in a similar situation. I hoped for the problem to pass over, but I ultimately ending up separated. I think that I possibly could have avoided that fate by taking action at the first sign of trouble.

    Moving Forward Quickly: It’s unfortunate that your husband waited so long to share that this issue has been bothering him, but you can’t undo that at this point. What you can do, however, is be careful of what (and who) you are presenting to him moving forward. It doesn’t sound as if he has made definite plans to move out or to pursue a separation, which means that you may have some time to address this.

    Sit back and be really honest with yourself. Which of his concerns have some validity? What is he right about? Is this issue something that other friends and family members have expressed? If so, then there is nothing wrong with addressing it. Sometimes, it takes a painful situation to stimulate growth. If you take this and use it to move you forward so that you grow and improve in some way, then at least the pain will have been for something. At least you can use this as a stimulus to improve your marriage.

    If you are very honest and you find that his words do not have validity, then you may went to dig a little deeper. Sometimes, a husband will project another problem onto to what is obvious or handy. It may not have been the heat or your personality at all during that family gathering. But the situation might have given your husband an easy explanation. Sometimes, a husband can be frustrated and not quite sure why. That’s one more reason why it’s very important to be extremely observant right now – so that you are taking action on the items that are truly at issue.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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