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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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  • Why Goodwill Is Vital to Success

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    When I originally got the idea for this blog entry, I was thinking in terms of success in business, as a result of three lackluster experiences I recently had with customer service at three different businesses. Then, when I sat down to write about it, I soon realized that goodwill is vital to all areas of life.

    Goodwill is similar to integrity in that in takes time to develop but can be lost in an instant. As my cousin says, “Goodwill is a byproduct of doing the right thing.” Webster’s dictionary defines goodwill as “a kindly feeling of approval and support: benevolent interest or concern.”

    This definition makes clear that whether it is with your business associates, teammates, coaches, or bosses, or in your interpersonal relationships, without goodwill it is difficult to get beyond a surface level with any of them.

    In today’s ultracompetitive world everything that gives you a leg up on the competition makes your success more likely. As successful businessman Marshall Field was fond of saying, “Goodwill is the only asset that competition cannot undersell or destroy.”

    Each of the three companies from whom I experienced poor customer service developed varying degrees of goodwill – mostly negative – from me. The one that earned the most goodwill eventually offered me an acceptable solution and I am still doing business with them (though on a more cautious basis now).

    One of the other two offered worthless suggestions, compounding my initial frustration. The last one had a website that failed repeatedly to send my complaints and was unresponsive to the ones that did go through. Needless to say, it would have taken a lot of goodwill to overcome these slights and I decided to close both of those accounts.

    One of the quickest ways to earn goodwill is to exceed expectations. Here’s a recent example of a business that engendered massive amounts of goodwill from me. I ordered a supplement and a few weeks after receiving my order I received another package from them with a new bottle of what I had previously ordered and the following note enclosed:

    “I want to take a moment to thank you for your recent purchase. As a token of our appreciation we sent you your next bottle free of charge. You will not be charged for this bottle and are not signed up to an auto-ship program of any kind. We just wanted to say a quick hello and thank you”

    -Greg, Founder of Weyland Brain Nutrition

    Not only did they send me my next bottle free of charge, they also enclosed a bottle of another product for me to try. I have since recommended them to several of my clients and am now a devoted customer.

    The same phenomenon happens in our interpersonal relationships. When you go the extra mile for a co-worker, boss, friend, lover, coach or teammate, you engender goodwill and strengthen your bond with them. This in turn will lead to greater trust and loyalty, thus opening the door to greater possibilities for the relationship.

    Most people want to stand out from the crowd and are frustrated when they don’t. I like to tell my clients that if you don’t like being stuck in the crowd, go the extra mile; it’s never crowded there. It’s a simple recipe for success that is often neglected by the masses and will also go a long way towards engendering plenty of goodwill from others.

    You can follow Sam on Twitter @SuperTaoInc

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    Source by Sam Obitz

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  • My Wife Has No Time for Me! How to Take Control and Change This

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    We’re all well aware that each day only affords us a meagre twenty-four hours. When you factor in the time you spend working, traveling to and back to the office, sleeping, showering and eating, there isn’t a whole lot of time left for anything else. However, when you’re married you really do need to pencil in some time to spend with your spouse. It’s expected and beyond that, it’s crucial for a well balanced, happy and fulfilling partnership. That’s why it’s so alarming if you’re a man who has a wife with a schedule that doesn’t leave any time at all for you. If your wife is so busy that she can’t spend even a few moments with you per day, you need to help her find an opening here and there to connect with you. If you want your marriage to last, this needs to be at the top of your priority list.

    Obviously, you are going to take it personally if your wife has no time for you. Early in your marriage, she made certain that she had time to devote just to you, yes? You two did things together that you likely miss now. Perhaps back then you took something like having a coffee together for granted. Now you’d give just about anything to have an hour alone with her. As much as you may want to blame her lack of interaction with you on her busy schedule, there’s probably an underlying reason why she has excuse after excuse for not spending time with you. In most cases where this happens, it’s because the wife has begun to feel emotionally detached from her husband. Instead of trying to make awkward small talk with him she’d rather avoid him.

    Your wife isn’t about to do anything on her own to change this. If she seems happy enough filling her days with things that keep her from you, it’s you who needs to alter the routine of your marriage. Start by telling your wife that you miss her and wish you two had more time together. Although this may not alter her schedule so that she makes time for you, it lets it be known that you’re not happy with the way things are and your goal is to share more of your life with her. Your statement about wanting to be with her more won’t go unnoticed by her even if she seems to ignore it or brush it aside.

    Many women are devoting a great deal of their time to things that have to do with running the household and being a mom. You’re part of that equation so why not pitch in so your wife has more time for you? You can ask her if there’s anything she’d like you to do but be prepared for her to say there isn’t. Many women have a bit of a control streak running through them and they like to tackle everything they possibly can just because they believe no one else has the ability to do it quite as well as they do. If this sounds like a dictionary description of your wife’s personality, take on some tasks on your own. Jump in and drive the kids to school or make dinner a few times a week. Show your wife that you want to be her domestic partner as well as her life partner. The time you spend doing things around the house or tending to the children will result in more free time for your wife and thus more time for her to be with you.

    A great way to solve the issue of a wife who has no time is to create a scenario in which she has no choice but to spend time with you. This almost sounds like it borders on forcing her to make time for you but don’t view it that way. Plan an evening out for the two of you and take care of all the details right down to arranging child care if necessary. Then surprise your wife with your thoughtful night out. She’ll see the effort you put in as a sign of your desire to be closer to her. It’s a great way to not only have some uninterrupted time with your wife but it will give you a chance to talk with her about what she’s feeling and that will only help when it comes to bridging any emotional distance she may be feeling.

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    Source by Gillian Reynolds

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  • Digital Marketing Course Opening New Horizons of Success in Marketing

    Digital Marketing Course Opening New Horizons of Success in Marketing

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    Why go for a digital marketing course?

    Money is rapidly being drained away from conventional marketing towards digital platforms, and, with that, the need for marketing professionals to get well-versed with digital techniques and analytical fundamentals has also increased.

    What one will learn in Digital marketing course?

    Search Engine Optimization (SEO): SEO is becoming a critical channel for marketing and helps in boosting your websites rank by fetching more traffic with keyword management, on- and off-page optimization, URL building, link building and many more of such facet. Students will be given a chance to do so on the WordPress site by using Yoast SEO plug-in.

    Social media marketing: A social media campaigning strategy for a product or service is crafted and implemented on different platforms like Facebook and YouTube. Further, the success of the strategy amongst targeted audience is analyzed for conversion rate and amplification. It also gives an insight into how social media can play a critical role in brand building and if likes on social media really help in improving sales.

    Web analytics: This part provides a chance to deal with real data in order to authenticate or confirm the hypotheses is real for any e-commerce store. Google analytics tool is quite handy and proved its value over time and, therefore, is the most used tool. Students can download the mobile application of Google Analytics for getting well- versed with the same.

    Online advertisements: This gives an opportunity to get glibness in paid platforms on internet such as Google AdWords, Facebook Ads and YouTube Ads to target the potential buyers, figure out the acquisition cost and campaigning costs. A spreadsheet is prepared to evaluate the profit margins and thoroughly compare the cost-per-click with average order price and customer lifetime value.

    Data visualization: This segment deals with converting raw data into useful information for crafting dashboards to help the stakeholders remain updated with important figures and changes in them over time.

    Opportunity to work with real e-commerce companies: Institutes invite designers, campaign strategists, and expert marketers to deliver special lectures on various topics like pros and cons of different marketing tools, email marketing, online network building, search engine optimization, user experience designing and mobile marketing etc. Students also get an opportunity to deal with these tools first hand by doing group as well as solo projects and building their personal website in WordPress. They are also made to work with e-commerce companies in real-time once they are well equipped with the knowledge of various facets of digital marketing.

    Career prospects after the course

    Students after clearing various exams conducted from time to time get a firm grasp on all tactics of digital marketing, various tools and resources that are available. They are also provided with quality placement assistance. It is one of the highest paid departments in any company. You have an option to work as a freelancer or get associated with companies and work in a more organized environment. Following are the posts available for marketing graduates with specialization in digital marketing:

    • Digital marketing manager
    • Content marketing manager
    • Social media marketing specialist
    • SEO executives
    • Copywriters
    • Content writers
    • Conversion rate optimizers
    • Search engine marketers
    • Inbound marketing experts

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    Source by Shalini M

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