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Tag: Obsessed

  • Always Be in Money Making Mode!

    Always Be in Money Making Mode!

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    Every day you should be doing something to make money. Making money can become a habit, just like not making money. It is important that you cultivate and develop the money-making mindset.

    If you have an email list send them valuable and information information on a regular basis. If you are creating content to get links back to your website, create it every day. Do something – an article, a press release, a video, a blog post or comment. Do it every day.

    Do something every day to bring in money. Get obsessed and addicted to making money. Put your focus on making money, not TV and other non money making time wasters. Making money absolutely must become your new lifestyle.

    If you truly want to be successful and make your living online it is time to sacrifice your normal time that’s dedicated to other things, and shift that time and focus to creating cash flow.

    Start with where you are right now, start with the knowledge you have right now. Start with the resources and assets you have right now. Don’t wait until you know it all because you never will!

    Your income is going to come from how much product/service you sell. You have to change your focus and how you use your time.

    Full time marketers (or those who want to be full time marketers) focus their time and attention on “making money”… they focus on selling stuff. It’s not rocket science my friends.

    Too many distributors spend their time on making changes to their website, changes that will have little effect on sales. Don’t get caught up in this. Stop worrying about making your store ‘pretty’ and trying to get everything perfect because you never will! I don’t care if you have only one product or 200 products… spend your time promoting what you have!

    Focus on those things that will make you money like driving traffic to your website, building your list and selling to your list.

    At the end of each day always ask yourself “What did I do today to make more money from my store?” Whether small or large always do something daily to make money. That is the reason you have your store, to make money.

    If your store is to satisfy your Ego or impress others kill it right now and find a regular job!

    Do whatever you can to get visitors to sign up on your list. Give your list members valuable and informative free stuff like written articles and reports, videos about your niche and videos on using your products, surveys… anything that bonds them to you. You give people FREE and valuable helpful information and they will reciprocate by giving your orders.

    Your long term GOLDEN GOOSE to making you tons of money online is building a huge email/newsletter list and making them loyal followers and then SELLING to them!

    Like I said, it’s not rocket science people, it’s plain and simple BUSINESS! Now go and let making money dominate your thoughts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year!

    Godspeed… CoachDoug

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    Source by Doug Allan Dammeier

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  • Is He Marriage Material? Four Steps for Creating Your Custom Plan & Deciding If He's Worth Your Time

    Is He Marriage Material? Four Steps for Creating Your Custom Plan & Deciding If He's Worth Your Time

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    It's important that you know yourself, your goals, your needs and wants really well before you can find a great relationship that could potentially lead to marriage.

    And the best way to determine if your current or future boyfriend is marriage material is to know yourself, create a checklist of what's right for you, and then test him to see if he fits.

    In this article, we'll break down what things you need to know about both yourself and him in order to even consider that next step!

    Step One: Know There Is a "Mr. Perfect for You" and That You Can Design Him

    Are you still waiting for HIM? You know who I mean:

    "Mr. Right". The perfect man that will satisfy all your dreams and make your life worth living?

    Yeah, that guy. Well, sorry to break it to you like this but …

    Prince Charming, riding on a white stallion, lost his way because men hate asking for directions.

    Or he found Princess Charming and got married to her on his way to your castle … or, you know, your apartment.

    And by the way, even Prince Charming wasn't flawless. I'm pretty sure he left dirty dishes in the sink and never made up the bed.

    Anyway, the point is that PERFECT isn't showing up anytime soon.

    Truth is … nobody is perfect. No man and no woman. Perfection doesn't exist in people. But don't feel bad if you have been looking for the perfect man.

    I did that for a long time, deathly afraid that if I didn't get him exactly right, I'd failed myself, my future kids, the planet, my Mama, and possibly God.

    I was wrong. Don't even look for perfect, because the concept of "perfect for YOU" exists instead. You can plan the guy that may not perfect in the world, but is perfect for and fits YOU well.

    The perfect-for-you man of your dreams is not hiding under your bed, though. That would be too easy. Can't have that.

    Nope, you are going to have to actively design and then look for him. But don't worry, the search can be fun if you want it to be, and the hardest part is done. You now know you won't find perfect, so the pressure is off!

    By the way, are you feeling the whole "not pretty enough" thing sometimes too? Wondering "why am I still single" even?

    I did too. However, I learned that although I may not completely fit my society's "standard of beauty", I did meet quite a few men's individual standard of beauty … or was at least close enough!

    And that's all you really need. So don't worry. "Mr. Close-Enough-To-Perfect-For-You" might be just around the corner … if you'll give him a chance!

    You can plan him. Don't do this by default.

    I've noticed that we sometimes find ourselves dating or even married by what I call "by default". That means we find a man, decide that he is the best we can do, and latch on without really analyzing him to determine if he's really right for us or our lives.

    Don't fall victim to default. This isn't the time for "get in where you fit in". You CAN plan him. When you do your research and work your strategy, you won't have to put up with the losers!

    You'll have a way to know whether he's marriage material … or not!

    Now that you know that there is no "Mr. Right" or perfect man, the pressure is off, and you can now have fun looking for what I call your "ideal male". You're also aware that dating by default isn't the best way to avoid the pain of being with a dud. And you understand you can take the bull by the horns and decide what you want your ideal guy to look like.

    Now it's time to dive into YOU, determine your dating deal breakers, and decide what kind of guy fits you best.

    Step Two: Get to Know YOU: Your Goals and Dreams, Needs and Wants, and Deal Breakers

    Did you see the first The Matrix ™ movie? Remember that scene where Neo goes to see the Oracle?

    He is trying to figure out if he's "the one" – a Messiah of sorts and the man Morpheus is searching for– and thinks the Oracle can help him decide what to do.

    Typical of a good mentor, the Oracle makes Neo find his own way. Before putting him out to find his own answers, she points out the plaque above her door that reads nosce te ipsum.

    Know thyself.

    You should know yourself really well before committing to someone else.

    Have you ever taken time to really think about what YOU want for your life? I don't mean what you THINK you want – which is usually what others want for you – or what society wants for you – don't get me started on that, but what YOU really, truly, want for yourself?

    Why? Well, understanding yourself is the most important thing you can do before getting deeply involved with another person.

    I'm not saying you'll do everything perfectly even if you see yourself clearly. Problems can still happen, and you will make mistakes.

    But if you pick a mate based on what you learn about yourself, you will have a much better shot at finding compatibility than if you have no idea who you are and just go into this blindly, hoping it will turn out okay.

    If you don't know yourself or your needs well, and hook up with someone before finding YOU first, you may end up realizing that the person you are with does not fit you or your life at all, or at least not enough for things to last very long. Relationship compatibility is CRUCIAL.

    Being badly matched could be disastrous, especially if you cement yourself to him by having a child or getting married.

    Know Your Goals and Dreams … and Stick With Them

    When I think about it, I'm so glad to have been born when I was. We've got so many options now that women in my mother's age range and older just didn't have. We now have the tools and the right to decide what we want in terms of a career, marriage, and family just as much as men do.

    However, despite having goals and dreams, we sometimes get so caught up in a relationship that our own lives take a backseat. We end up giving up our dreams for relationships and marriage, children and family.

    Now, if you have a family with a man that's right for you then maybe these sacrifices are worth it.

    However, they are never worth it with the wrong man, so always keep your goals in the front of your mind and don't let the wrong guy take them from you.

    So what are your goals and dreams?

    Think about the things you want to do with your life. Your goals can be in any category, including career, travel, health, spirituality … anything at all. It's up to you. But to get you started, I suggest you look at these areas.

    What do you want to be when you grow up?

    Do you have a specific career in mind? Is there any special education you want to achieve? Anywhere in particular you want to work? Maybe even start your own business?

    What about fun? Have you always wanted to travel? Where to? How long? Don't be modest; anything is possible!

    Do you have any specific body or health goals? Want to lose a bit of weight? Gain weight? Gain muscle? Run a marathon?

    Do you feel a lack in your spiritual life? Want to attend church more? Study other religions? Memorize a holy book or two? Become a Buddhist? None of the above? Don't forget this is about YOU.

    Do you want kids? No kids, but more dogs? A cat or two? A llama? Plan your own family goals!

    The point is that these are to be YOUR ambitions and no one else's. Let your imagination have some fun.

    Now that you've considered your goals, let's look at what you want and need in a relationship.

    Decide on Your Needs / Wants

    I hear some of you asking: "wants or needs … what's the difference?"

    Well, when I say needs, it's exactly that. Those are characteristics you can't really live without. Wants are nice, but not crucial. You can go on without them if necessary.

    I have several friends who are single and looking for a good man. A couple of these ladies wanted to buck the trend of just dating whoever came along.

    Instead they really studied themselves and then decided what type of man they want. They began to examine what type of guy complemented them and quickly discovered what they would and would not tolerate in a mate. I suggested they document their needs and wants to decide if the next guy would fit them.

    For example, one friend, Josie, decided her ideal guy would know how – and be willing to – cook some of the meals. He had to be thoughtful, emotionally available and like to talk things out after an argument instead of hiding out and pouting.

    She also realized she needed him to be on the same page as her spiritually, and that he would have to be an avid church attendee. He also should love and want children like she did.

    Clearly, getting involved with a man who had none (or barely any) of these characteristics would result in serious arguments and almost guaranteed problems in Josie's future.

    So she wrote her requirements on a checklist, and if potential dates didn't meet her minimum needs, she politely said thanks, but no thanks.

    By doing her work up front, Josie was able to avoid a lot of the painful frustrations of dating the wrong guy. She hasn't found the "right one" quite yet, but she's successfully avoided several really wrong ones.

    So what are your wants and needs pertaining to him?

    Like Josie, do you want him to be spiritual or religious? Look back at your goals list. Does it have any things on it that you want to do and he should match? For example, if your goal is to become a Buddhist, should he already be one, or be open to it?

    Should he want kids? Should he want pets? Do you already have a pet and / or or kids and the "children" have to sign off on him?

    Next, you will discover that some of your wants / needs will have nothing to do with your goals. They'll be all about his personality traits, which we'll cover in a bit.

    Be Aware of Your Deal Breakers

    Speaking of wants vs. needs … deal breakers – like needs- are crucial. These are the characteristics you must have – or avoid – for a relationship to work.

    A huge deal breaker that I have encountered in my work has been the differing desire for children. If that's you, just be upfront about it.

    If he wants kids and you don't, that's okay, but you two aren't compatible. If you want them and he doesn't, then it isn't going to work. Children just aren't something you can compromise on.

    Another deal breaker I recommend you consider is ANY type of abuse. Even if it seems "mild" or that he's "just playing", mistreatment is a red flag and it's better to be single than dead. Too many women have ignored the signs and ended up paying with their lives.

    Are there other deal breakers on your mind? Then put them on your list.

    Now That You've Listed Them, Look for Your Needs, Wants, Dreams and Deal Breakers in HIM

    If you're currently dating, does your current guy fit any of the items on your checklist so far?

    Remember to be honest about this. Be aware whether you see these attributes because you want to, or if they are really there.

    Be honest with yourself, put the emotion aside, and find out who he actually is. Time out for the fantasies and soap operas. This is serious. If he really doesn't fit – even if you really want him to – strike him from consideration. Doing so doesn't mean he isn't a good guy, he's just not the right one for you.

    Step Three: Look for Generally Good Traits in Him

    Remember I said earlier that you also needed to consider his personality traits too?

    Now it's time to look into whether he has good personality traits or whether he shows some relationship red flags you need to steer clear of.

    I'll mention my top three desirable traits just to get you started. It's up to you decide whether they are also on your list, or you can do without them. I know I've said this a lot, but your checklist is always yours and should reflect you, not me or anyone else.

    Trust

    Trust. I usually trust close family and friends, but are hesitant to extend it to strangers. It takes a while to gain my trust, and I suggest you do the same when dating.

    Have you ever heard the expression "measure twice, cut once?". I think it's mostly for carpenters and woodworkers who want to be sure before making a permanent move. You can always take off a little more, but you can't always put it back.

    Keeping that phrase in mind while dating wouldn't hurt. Why?

    We have to be careful. A poor choice in a mate can have huge consequences in a woman's life, so we definitely have to measure our men multiple times before committing. One of the ways you should evaluate a man is whether you trust him, so be sure to do that carefully.

    To determine whether you can trust your partner, here are a few tips:

    * Rely on yourself first. Do you normally make good decisions? Yes? Then trust that you will make the right call.

    * Depend on your head and your heart. Look for signs. Is he checking out other women when you're together? Does he hang around with trustworthy people or does he deal with shadies?

    * Pay attention to what he is telling you AND showing you and then use that information to help you make informed decisions. Talk is cheap. Watch what he DOES.

    * Remember that if you have decided that you are going to trust him, then follow through and trust him! Don't sit and worry at night, wondering what he's doing or if he's being unfaithful.?If you feel you have to do that, then a relationship with this guy just isn't worth the stress.

    Honesty

    Trust and honesty go hand in hand, so let's talk about it a bit. Find out if your partner is honest before getting too deeply involved with him.

    How do you know if your guy is honest?

    Take the initiative.

    You must be honest if you're expecting it from your partner. Don't hide things, mislead him, or tell little "white lies" that are so easy to rationalize: it's no big deal if I just hide this small detail, etc.

    I know an otherwise really sweet couple who seemed to build their relationship on white lies. I think they were trying to "spare each other" from bad stuff, but it ended up backfiring on them. They didn't outright lie to each other (at least in their minds), but those little lies formed cracks in their relationship that eventually caused it to collapse.

    Do your homework.

    Find out all you can about your partner.

    You don't have to be obsessed, but do your research within reasonable boundaries.

    I don't think it's necessary to get the cops involved here, but say if you were introduced by a mutual friend or family member, ask that person about your partner. Are they trustworthy? What are they like in private? Find out those types of things and you'll quickly get an idea of ​​their honesty.

    You'd ask for a referral and recommendations for anything else you're considering -from a plumber to a lawyer-why not get more information on a potential mate?

    Last, make sure he knows upfront that honesty is an expectation and you won't tolerate anything less.

    Have conversations about honesty. Make it clear that you are going to be honest and ask him to do the same. It's funny how many issues in relationships can be worked out through simple communication. Just talk.

    If you start your relationship on a good, honest foundation, your chances of success increase greatly over those who choose to be dishonest or shady. And if you inform him upfront that it's expected, here's his chance to leave if he can't handle it.

    As with anything else, there is risk involved. If trust is earned and then continues, awesome! But if it gets broken, don't beat yourself up and think you failed. You did everything you could.

    We all make mistakes, you're only human. Learn from it, move on, and eventually you'll get it right!

    Respect

    I try to follow "The Golden Rule". I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. I want to be respected, so I try my hardest to respect others. It ain't easy all of the time, but it's worth at least trying!

    If you have tried giving plenty of respect to your partner, but are not getting it in return, don't forget that you have the right to fix that problem. Don't just take his lack of respect lying down!

    Whether that means talking with him about the lack of respect and asking for changes, or deciding this is not worth your time, make sure you don't allow disrespect to continue too long.

    To figure out where you stand, ask yourself these questions:

    • Does he respect you? If he demeans, objectifies, or degrades you, you're better off leaving. As the investors say on Shark Tank ™: "I'm out".

    • Notice the way he treats you when you don't agree with him. Can you appreciate each other's different views without him getting pissed off?

    • Find opportunities to be around his closest friends or family. When with familiar people, he will show his true colors eventually. Is he respectful around them?

    • How does his family treat you? If they treat you as their equal, not an inferior, that's a good sign. Hopefully, he learned good things from them.

    You also need to be honest with yourself regarding how you view your partner. Do you really value him, too? If you find you don't, you need to rethink your relationship.

    Step Four: Tidy Up Your List

    This isn't the end, it's just the beginning. Your checklist is always growing and changing along with you, so don't hesitate to add or even delete items that no longer fit you.

    The point is that your plan reflect you at all times and if used, will allow you to choose a man who is right for you.

    Good luck!

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    Source by Nichole White

    Views: 0

  • Healthy Living – Are You Obsessed With Your Health?

    Healthy Living – Are You Obsessed With Your Health?

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    When it comes to health, most of us are merely trying to do the very best we can. We take note of how we are currently feeling and are striving to one-up how we feel as time goes on. We exercise, make changes to our diet plan, and look after our sleep needs. So, one should think we are on track to optimal success.

    However, could you be too concerned about your health? For some people, this is a genuine concern: call it health OCD if you want, or call it anxiety. If you spend too much time looking at and researching your state of health and how you should feel, you may have a problem on your hands as incidents of acute stress affects your body and in a measurable way…

    1. How To Spot Trouble. First, let us talk about how to spot trouble when it may be starting. The thing about being overly health conscious is usually you do not even realize you have a problem until it is too late and you have a full-blown anxiety disorder.

    Some of the signs you may be becoming obsessed with your health include…

    • you are always feeling stressed about your health and wondering why you are not feeling better.
    • you visit the doctor complaining of symptoms that fail to exist.
    • people around you often tell you not to worry so much.
    • when the doctor advises you there is no health issue, it does not ease your anxiety.
    • when you hear of a disorder in someone else, you begin researching it and may eventually come to believe you have it as well.
    • you have trouble resting easy after tests have been taken, and you cannot focus on your usual life until you know the results.

    If you are experiencing even a few of these symptoms, this is not something to take lightly.

    2. What To Do About Your Anxiety. What do you do if you do spot yourself in some of the above points?

    • first, talk to a friend. Ask them if they have noticed you becoming overly concerned with having different diseases. If they have, then there could be an issue at hand.
    • next, consider consulting a psychological counselor. Talk to someone trained in dealing with this type of problem. You may need professional help to get past it.
    • finally, practice stress controlling tactics. Stress-busting techniques often work for combating anxiety too, so the two can go hand in hand. The selection of methods to relieve pressure is somewhat personal.

    Common health concerns when you are genuinely ill is nothing to stress over as there is a built-in level of stress when recovering from an illness. It is when you become consumed with negative thoughts about your health you could find you have a significant problem.

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    Source by Beverleigh H Piepers

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  • Stopping Employee Theft in Your Coffee Business

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    Regardless to how good of an employer you are, and even if you treat your employees well, understand that employee theft is a reality, and you need to control it. While it may only be a very small percentage of your staff that might steal from you, it can have a significant financial impact on your coffee business. If it goes unnoticed, employees will usually become even more brazen in their activities.

    When it comes to theft, your employees are likely to fall into one of the following four categories:

    Mr./Ms. honest – these are people who would never think of taking anything if it doesn’t belong to them. If they happen to go home with one of your ballpoint pens, they’ll bring it back the next day, and feel guilty that they took it home, even though it was unintentional.

    Incidental theft – these are people that will take home your pen by accident, and will keep it. And, they may scarf a piece of cheesecake occasionally when you aren’t looking, even though they know they shouldn’t. Because these items have minimal value, they have no great sense of guilt related to their activities.

    Theft because of need and opportunity – this is when you have an employee who is perhaps living on the edge financially, and because they have the need, and because your security may be lax, they’ll take advantage of an opportune situation to take something.

    Compulsive theft – this is the person who is always looking for something to steal, and they have absolutely no conscience about it. They typically rationalize the theft in their own mind. They consider you to be the rich, fat cat, and feel that they are over worked and under paid, so stealing from you is justified.

    Employee theft probably exists to some extent within your operation, whether you are aware of it or not. You can most likely live with incidental theft, provided it doesn’t get out of control. Theft related to need and opportunity is, in reality, your fault. These people would probably not steal from you normally, but a lack of security procedures has created the temptation and means for them to do so. Compulsive theft must be discovered, stopped, and you must eliminate the person(s) responsible.

    Losing product due to theft:

    Your employees may have no desire or need for a sleeve of 12oz. paper cups, Java Jackets, or a roll of toilet paper… but they might like a frozen cake, gallon of chocolate sauce, 6-pack of beer, or a bottle of wine.

    There are some simple things you can do to greatly reduce the chance of being ripped-off. First, don’t allow your employees to store their jackets, backpacks, and purses near where you store products. This makes it incredibly simple for someone to slide something into their bag or jacket pocket when no one is watching. I always had my employees store their personal belongings in the cabinet under the cash register (where someone would always be watching), or in my office, under lock & and key.

    Second, keep the back door of your store locked with a key at all times (you or your supervisor being the only ones having a key). If customers regularly enter through your back door, this may not be an option. If your back door is an emergency fire exit (and it probably is), you’ll need to install an alarmed breaker-bar. The whole point is that you don’t want your employees to be able to flow in and out of the back door without you knowing about it. Carrying product out the back door to their car, a hiding place for later pick-up, or an awaiting friend, is one of the most common ways products will exit your store.

    Once you have made it more difficult to stash things in their personal belongings, or carry them out the back door, employees may resort to hiding items in the trashcan. Of course you will unlock the back door to let them take out the trash. If they have hidden something in the trashcan, a dumpster-diving expedition will certainly be planned for after-hours to recover their treasure.

    Periodic trashcan checks should eliminate this problem, or make it a far less appealing option to anyone considering this method to smuggle things out of your store. Buy a long handle 3-prong garden rake. When employees ask to take out the trash, accompany them, and have them hold the can up on the edge of the dumpster while you rake out the trashcan contents. What you are looking for are things that might have been hidden in the trash, but you can tell your employees that you are merely making sure that small wares aren’t being accidentally thrown away. During the 15-years I owned and managed restaurants, I discovered everything from six-packs of beer, bottles of wine, and packages of steaks hidden in the trash!

    Another situation that will create an ideal opportunity for employees to steal from you is having only one person working in your store. If your baker comes in each morning a hour before you or the next employee, or if one person is left to clean and lock-up the place at the end of the day, opportunities for theft abound. As the old saying goes: when the cat’s away…

    Always try to have at least two people in your store at all times. If there is not justification for having a second employee on the clock, then you will need to be that second person. If this requires you going from a 60-hour workweek to 80-hours, then this may not be a tolerable option. If this is the case, then at least invest a couple of hours more each day for a week or two to do some detective work.

    During those times of day when only one employee is working, park at the far end of the parking lot, or across the street, so that you will reduce the chance of being noticed by your employee. If they are familiar with your vehicle, use your spouse’s or friend’s vehicle for a few days. Watch carefully (with binoculars if necessary). I know this all sounds a little CSI – like, but better to rest-easy, feeling fairly assured that your employee isn’t carrying away your store when you’re not watching. If I had the time, I could tell you countless stories of my experiences in catching employees red handed, loading the trunks of their cars.

    If you suspect that theft of product might be occurring, but you’ve seen no direct evidence of it, then conducting a daily key item inventory may shed some light on the situation. Write down a list of 15 to 20 products that you think would be most appealing for someone to steal. In your coffee business, this might include items such as coffee, syrups and sauces, smoothie puree, biscotti, cookies, and desserts, sandwich meats & cheeses, and of course beer & wine (if you serve those from your operation). Then take an inventory of these items every day. Your employees don’t need to know what you are doing, and if they ask, simply tell them you are taking an inventory for ordering purposes.

    What you are looking for are anomalies in usage. For example, let’s say that from your daily inventories you assess that you use about half a gallon of chocolate sauce per day. Then, one day you notice you used 1 1/2 gallons of chocolate the previous day. This should send up a red flag! Why did you go through an extra gallon of chocolate? Were you significantly busier yesterday, or did you featuring several drink specials which contained chocolate sauce? A quick review of individual item sales from yesterday’s cash register report should provide you with the answer. If you average one ounce of chocolate per beverage, then using 1 1/2 gallons means you should have sold approximately 192 beverages containing chocolate (128 oz. per gal. x 1.5 = 192). If this was the case, no problem. But, if you discover that you only sold 64 beverages containing chocolate, then 128 oz. (or 1 gallon) is unaccounted for and missing! A good indication that it probably walked out the door. If this happens, keep track of who was working on the day of the shortage. If this happens continually, eventually you will discover that the same person or persons were working every time.

    Theft of money by employees:

    Hopefully, none of your employees will have the desire to steal products from you, but some will be tempted by the lure of cold, hard, cash. Everyone could use an extra $20 a day. Employees who steal money from you will definitely hurt your bottom line, and must be eliminated.

    The first way to reduce cash theft is to have a cash handling policy in place that will discourage theft. If multiple employees are using the cash register, and no one person is responsible, then I can almost guarantee that your cash drawer will keep coming up short on a regular basis. The fact that no one person can be held responsible for the shortages, will make grabbing a bill or two easy and appealing.

    Implement a policy that one, and only one person is responsible for the cash register for the entire shift. They should count the drawer at the beginning of their shift to verify that they are starting with the designated change bank. Then, they should be the only person to ring up sales and make change. Even you, the owner/manger, should keep your hands out of their cash drawer. Finally, at the end of their shift, they should set aside the amount they started with in the change drawer, and total all the remaining cash, checks, and charges, and balance against what was rung up on the register. If they started with the right amount of money in the cash drawer, rang everything up, took all the money, counted back all the change, and they end up short… who’s fault is it? It can only be theirs. By implementing this simple policy, I once took an operation that was coming up $100 a day ($3,000 a month) cash short, and reduced it to $3 a day, in just 30 days! That’s over a $2,900 bottom line improvement, (in case you didn’t do the math)!

    The other common method that a cashier might use to steal money from you is by using a method called, building a bank. This is the process of not ringing up items on the cash register, while still taking money from the customers, and then pocketing that money. Typically, they will obscure the view of the cash register display on the customer’s side with something like a flower, retail merchandise, or by turning the display so that it cannot be easily seen. Then, they will pretend to ring up an item, but will hit the no sale key instead, popping the drawer open so they can take the cash and make change, but in reality, they haven’t rung up anything. The other thing they might do when it is busy is to just not shut the drawer between transactions. They simply convey verbally the cost of items ordered by customers and take the cash, but once again, nothing has been rung up.

    A cash register that prints out the order on a remote receipt printer to the person who will be preparing the item, can eliminate this problem. Quite simply, if the item isn’t rung-up, it won’t print out. If your barista or cook won’t prepare anything without a receipt (and they shouldn’t!), it will force your cashier to ring everything up.

    If you observe that the cash register’s display has been blocked from the customer’s view, or there are an excessive number of no sale indications on your cash register’s detail tape, or notice that your cashier is not shutting the drawer between transactions, beware! While these may not be indisputable proof that your cashier is stealing from you, they should certainly heighten your vigilance to find out if something is going on.

    If your coffee business only warrants having one employee working at a time, perhaps because you own a cart, kiosk, or low volume drive-through operation, then how do you go about keeping your employee from building a bank and stealing from you? The best solution I’ve seen is to turn your customers in to watchdogs. Affix a sign to the front of your cash register, in plain sight of the customer, that reads: If you don’t receive a receipt with your order, it’s FREE! This will force your cashier to hand each customer a receipt for their purchase. If they are building a bank, this means they will have to hand the customer a receipt that says – NO SALE; something they probably won’t fell comfortable doing!

    The financial impact of theft of money can be extremely damaging, for example: Let’s say you have a cashier who is skimming off $20 a day by not ringing things up, and then pocketing the money. Not only did you loose the stolen $20, but the $7 of ingredients that were probably used to produce the ordered products; ($20 x 35% ingredient cost = $7.00). So in reality, you lost $27, and it will take an additional $41.54 in sales, to recover this loss; ($41.54 x 65% gross profit = $27). $27 a day lost to theft, X 21 days worked by the employee = $567 lost cash & product per month; $872 extra sales required to offset this loss. (Annual loss, $6,804; $10,468 in additional income required to offset loss.) You must stop theft of money!

    Theft of money management:

    If you have a manger running your operation for you, this can really create an opportunity for cash theft. Just about anyone who has ever run a food service operation (self included), probably felt that they were over-worked and under-paid. Some are tempted to grant themselves an unapproved raise. Your manger has the control key to the cash register, which means they have the ability to back off items that were sold. You would be wise to check your cash register detail tapes on a regular basis. If you see multiple items backed off in groups, or more worrisome yet, all backed off at the very end of the shift, beware!

    A good way to keep this from happening is to establish a policy that no over-rings are to be backed off of sales on the cash register with the management control key. Instead, when the cashier makes an over-ring, they should take the receipt, write over-ring on it, sign it, and put it in the cash drawer. At the end of the shift, the total of all over-rings should be manually backed off of the sales total indicated on the cash register report.

    Many years ago I had a manager that was stealing money from me in another creative way. This manager, who opened the store each day, would reset the cash register by Z-ing it out after the first half hour of business. He would then pocket the proceeds earned during that first half hour. Because additional sales were generated during the second half hour, the cash register hourly sales report would always show sales for the first hour of operation, thus eliminating any suspicion that something might be going on.

    It wasn’t until I was doing a routine audit of cash register Z tapes that I noticed something wasn’t right. When you run a Z report, which resets the cash register at the end of each day, a multi-digit number will usually be printed somewhere on that tape. The next time you Z the register, that number will advance by one digit. I noticed that even though the tapes were sequential in date, every other number was missing. This tipped me off that the register was being Z-ed twice a day! When I confronted my manager with the tapes, his look of panic spoke volumes.

    If you are doubting the honesty of any of your employees or managers, one way you can verify or eliminate your suspicion is by baiting the cash drawer. Slip an extra $20 bill in the drawer sometime during the day when they aren’t watching. If they don’t end up reporting at the end of their shift that they were $20 cash-over, I’ll do it a second time (just to make sure). If they don’t report it a second time, you should have no doubts that they are indeed, dishonest.

    NEVER accuse an employee or manger of stealing unless you catch them red-handed (actually stuffing money into their pockets). Even though the circumstantial evidence may be overwhelming, unless you actually catch them in the act, they are likely to deny your accusations, and will probably file a complaint against you with the department of labor! The brief moment of satisfaction you will gain from letting them know you are aware of what they’ve been doing, will be quickly overwhelmed by the legal predicament you will find yourself in. You will be far better off to not make accusations. Simply terminate their employment. In many states, you do not need to provide a reason as to why you are letting them go. When they ask for an explanation as to why you are firing them, simply say: I don’t need to give you a reason, I’m just letting you go, goodbye!

    Finally, don’t over look technology to help you with security. Surveillance cameras linked to a DVR (digital video recorder) can provide you with peace of mind, or evidence of theft. These systems have become very affordable, and many are easy to install. The value of these cameras go beyond having a video record of operations. The mere fact that employees understand that their activities are being video recorded, will usually discourage them from doing things that they might not think twice about, if no one was watching.

    I think it’s important to not be paranoid about employee theft. Certainly, you don’t want to be constantly obsessed with the suspicion that everyone is stealing from you. In reality, the majority of your employees are probably honest people. But, you would be wise to establish some simple safeguards, and maintain a watchful eye.

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    Source by Ed Arvidson

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  • The Life of Ezra Pound by Noel Stock

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    A review of The Life of Ezra Pound by Noel Stock must begin by acknowledging the phenomenal achievement of its author. It is comprehensive, detailed, forensic, appreciative, critical and illuminating, a massive achievement of analysis, research and insight. At around 200,000 words it is also a commitment, not for the fainthearted or for anyone with only a passing interest in either poetry or the history of the twentieth century. But it is also something else, something that, despite the magnificence of its scholarship, provokes this reader to focus on issues that are external to the text, itself. But more of that later: first, the book.

    Ezra Pound was undeniably one of the greatest figures of twentieth century literature. Unlike his illustrious contemporaries and friends, however, Joyce, Eliot and Yeats among them, his name has seemed to slip from the mainstream since his death in 1972. I read his great achievement, the Cantos, when I was at college. I did not understand them. In some ways they feel less like a work of poetry than a lifetime achievement, a creatively conceived and sometimes over-presented commonplace book into which fell, in poetic form, a distillation, a reflection or sometimes mere mention of whatever disparate material that Pound obsessed over at the time. The Cantos were Pound’s creative life, but we must not forget the massive amount of other material, his journalism, music, prose and economics, for want of a more accurate word.

    Pound was one of the founders and movers of literary and artistic movements: Imagism and the Vorticism among them. They were perhaps not the most enduring of directions. He was American but seemed more at home in England and then Italy, neither of which chooses to honour his achievements on their soil. But what is strongly felt about this man from the start is his conviction of, perhaps his obsession with his own genius. He was utterly sure he would contribute to the arts and perhaps even change their direction. He seemed to consider his legacy immortal, even before it had been created. He felt he was something new, original and enduring. And all this when apparently no-one even wanted to read his material, or formally give him time of day. And not only did he seem to deny his failures, he didn’t even seem to register them. The limitations were always somewhere else. In the early years, he thus seemed like a self-publicist, with is achievements acknowledged before they were achieved, like a modern self-published author who writes five-star, best-seller reviews of his own work. Nowadays, that surely would never do!

    But eventually, perhaps by sheer dogged application alongside considerable talent, Pound received the recognition he thought he deserved, though perhaps never in our own contemporary, blunt instrument yardstick of success – sales. Certain academics loved him. Others did not. He himself had high hopes of a Nobel Prize.

    Noel Stock includes copious quotations from Pound’s verse, always with critical assessment, sometimes with criticism. The Cantos were so far reaching in their intellectual coverage that it may appear from the outside that no-one without the full gamut of requisite skills would understand them. And given that these skills comprise, amongst other things, a knowledge of Dante and medieval Italian poetry, Confucius, Mencius and Lao-Tze in the original Chinese, troubadour songs in their original langue d’oc, Noh theatre texts in Japanese, Pound’s own experimental English, besides knowledge of the Classics and their metres, one might presume that there might be few modern readers of his work. This is probably accurate. But there is more to the modern shunning of Pound’s work than its overtly elitist intellectual demands. And it is here that this review needs to diverge from literature, poetry and indeed Ezra Pound, himself, to address the related concepts of fascism and racism.

    The main reason why today Pound’s name remains passé is his espousal of fascist ideas and his overt antisemitism. He went to live in Italy. He regarded Mussolini as rather a good thing. In Italy at the time he was hardly alone in this belief. He adopted Hitler’s aggressive antisemitism because he was fundamentally opposed to capitalism, if it meant what he saw as a banking and economic system dominated by Jews, the foundation of this belief being a bank owned by the Rothchild family. He also took to broadcasting pro-fascist propaganda (in Italian and English) on radio during World War II.

    Normally, my reviews are consciously detached. I try to review the book, not myself. Likes and dislikes are, to me, wholly nebulous and indefinable and even passing whims that are always less significant than considerations of communication or achievement of ends. In the case of The Life of Ezra Pound, the subjective “I” must be included, since our appreciation or not of this poet’s writing now seems to depend wholly on our individual take on his politics, despite his being be neither analytical or pro-active in his views, as this biography clarifies. In some ways, his politics were as transient as his current interests, as expressed in the meanderings of the Cantos. But what now can we make of Pound? Should we even try to understand him? Is dismissal the preferred option? I would say that he is worth the effort. Not the use of “I”! And this is not because I think Pound is a particular genius, overlooked or even readable. And I certainly do not see his actions as pardonable! And here I beg your pardon for making this book review become something personal, something about me and not about the book, but I assure you it is relevant. Please exit here if you are wary of the personal.

    I remember in the recent past a well-known British television presenter saying on-air that the music of Wagner was not played in her household because of the composer´s antisemitism. I remember another celebrity saying that antisemitism was the flavour of Wager´s age, and that rejection of the composer´s work on those grounds alone ought to prompt a similar rejection of everything artistic or otherwise that came out of mid-nineteenth century German culture.

    In the not too distant past I re-read Adam Smith´s Wealth of Nations. In my review I concentrated on those aspects of the analysis that might contradict the completely neo-liberal interpretation of the work. I was perhaps wrong to do so, but I wanted to challenge the idea that there is just one way to read Smith´s notion of free trade. Embedded within Smith´s thesis, however, are assumptions about human progress and worthiness. The Hindoo, the Mussulman and even the Catholic have their place in history and civilisation, but the heathen is judged to be a primitive sub-human. I do not recall Smith referring to ´The Buddhist´, but that may be my own failure of memory. In today´s politics, how many of the neo-liberal, perhaps neo-conservative supporters of their own notions of Smith´s concepts of free trade also regard those not associated with an organised great religion as both uncivilised and sub-human? And, given that the assumption appears to run throughout the work, should that alone disqualify Smith´s views on other subjects or his contribution to economics? Another position that almost dominates sections of The Wealth of Nations is that there is no economic activity that is or could be greater than the total that describes the state. How many of these same free marketeers would share Smith´s oft-stated revulsion of the very idea of a transnational corporation, which he regarded as necessarily market-distorting and almost automatically corrupt? This is recognized in antitrust and anti-monopoly legislation, but how often is this side of Smith´s work quoted? My point here is that we can choose to be selective, and usually do.

    I am tempted here to introduce the composer Anton Webern into the argument. A member of the second Viennese School, Webern espoused the atonalism of his associate, Schoenberg. Webern was perhaps the artistic opposite of Ezra Pound, being prone to destructive self-criticism and a desire for an extreme succinctness of expression. But Webern, like Pound, thought that fascism might be more sympathetic towards “high art” to which he aspired than the mechanisms of capitalism that concentrated on what it could sell. He thus initially espoused fascism, eventually to his own and his associates´ cost.

    After this considerable diversion, there is eventually a moral, and that is to beware anyone touting answers, especially those based on interpretations of the past in anything other than its own terms. Which brings me to Brexit! It might seem quite a jump, but it does follow. Trust me!

    I have recent personal experience, albeit apocryphal, that suggests the prime motivation among the British working class leave voters who surely swung the referendum result was “getting rid of all the foreigners.” I use quotes to emphasise that this was expressed to me personally and verbatim, with stress on the “all”. I had just finished The Life of Ezra Pound and I felt immediately a strange yet strong link with Pound´s antisemitism, which was founded on nothing less than trying to find someone to blame.

    Perhaps we should not judge Wagner, Adam Smith or even Ezra Pound using the moral perspective of our own time. For if we did that, and rejected any espousal of either racism or religious bigotry, how much of our human past would we retain? And, given the above Brexit opinion, is the moral perspective of our time significantly different from that of the 1930s, or even the 1850s, or 1770s or indeed any other time in our conflict-ridden blame game of history?

    The Life of Ezra Pound is a forensic biography of a poet. It describes a life lived in its historical and cultural context. Like all books committed to communicating its subject, it is a masterpiece that takes the reader way beyond the confines of its subject and thereby achieves a permanent relevance. Revisit this past. We must never deny it existed or forget its consequences. But it reminds us that as individuals, communities and societies, there is no rule that precludes the repetition of error. And neither is there any rule that insists that a current moral ground need be any higher than any other existing folly, contemporary or past.

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    Source by Philip Spires

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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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  • The Success Avoidance Syndrom

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    Life is full of ironies and paradoxes. One of the most amazing of these is the human tendency to cry for and cling to those things that hurt them. As one notable poet put it, “people run for their chains.” Is it not amazing that people generally dislike prisons, and yet it is a known fact that many former prisoners would rather be in prison than out of it? How many people out there are clinging to and crying for relationships, and yet they fully know that those same relationships are dysfunctional and leading nowhere?

    How many companies, individuals and nations are tenaciously holding onto solutions that have passed their sale by date? How many people desire to lose weight and to be in good health, and yet daily crave for and indulge in those behaviors that negate this aim? My proposition is that there are many. Perhaps the most debilitating human condition is the success avoidance syndrome. Put simply, people have this tendency to want and wish for success, and yet simultaneously unwittingly avoid the things that make for success. They desire success but hasten their feet towards failure. Below is a synopsis of the traits of the success avoiding individual.

    o Risk Avoidance.

    Many people want to succeed in life but they are averse to risk. However, the very nature of success is that the greater the risk involved the greater the rewards. Every opportunity carries within it a certain amount of risk. To try is to risk failing; to propose is to risk being turned down; to love is to risk heartbreak; to advance is to risk repulsion and resistance; to lead is to risk criticism and being cartooned; to express yourself is to risk appearing a fool; to seek profits is to risk making losses; to put your views to the public (like I am doing now) is to risk being ridiculed; to trust people is to risk being disappointed; to be yourself is to risk being rejected; to be a copycat is to court frustration; to write an exam is to risk failure and disappointment; to communicate is to risk being misunderstood, to buy something is to risk dissatisfaction and dissonance; to get an insurance policy is to risk paying for a service that may never become necessary.

    It is true that risk is often uncomfortable. However, the alternative which is failure, frustration and underachievement is even worse. Not only is the alternative very discomfiting, but it is also painful. Any risk minimization strategy is therefore actually a success reduction mechanism. A faint heart never wins a fair lady, and there is no crown for the coward. It is that simple. The winners know that the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. After all to be alive is to risk dying some day and we will all die, so what is the big deal?

    Before we leave the subject of risk it is important to underline that there is a big difference between taking risks and taking gambles. To gamble is to put oneself at the mercy of fate and chance. With gambling one has no influence over the outcome at all and a good example is lottery. However, when one takes risk one does not become a prisoner of fate but remains a participator in a process in which the success is not guaranteed, but the chances thereof can be influenced by one’s own decisions and actions. There is no self determination with gambling, but the risk taker retains some control.

    o Failure Avoidance

    The person obsessed with avoiding failure learns to do nothing. It is only that person that never does anything, that never makes mistakes. In truth there is no effort without shortcomings. However, action is a progenitor of success and it follows logically that the person who never engages in meaningful and serious action by this very act of omission avoids success. Activity, of course is not to be confused with progress, but there can never be progress without activity. Failure avoidance is success avoidance. Period.

    Failure avoidance is a learnt habit. Research indicates that families, companies and environments replete with criticism, cynicism, pessimism, threats of punishment and motivation by fear are a good breeding ground for failure avoiders. To the contrary affirmation, recognition, acknowledgement, praise, reward and encouragement constitute the diet of the success pursuers. Creativity and innovation cannot co-habit with fear of failure and punishment.

    The failure avoiders are regulated by their fear of failure, but the winners are inspired by their dreams. In most cases the failure avoiders keep fresh the memories of their past failures, catastrophes, fiascos and heartbreaks. Their minds are filled with imaginations of pain and failure and negative outcomes. They always fear and expect the worst. They think in terms of and look for limits, but the winner thinks in terms of and looks for opportunities.

    The loser is therefore always running away from limits, while the winner is running towards opportunity. The winner recognizes that limits and opportunities are one and the same thing. The difference lies in the eye of the beholder and how he chooses to interpret what he sees. The failure avoider sees the challenges as stumbling blocks to be avoided but the winner sees them as stepping stones to be embraced and utilized. In truth every challenge brings with it an opportunity to grow, but it is easy to miss this opportunity if one sees it as a burden, problem or disappointment.

    What have you been avoiding all your life and of late? What have you been hesitating to do? Is it a conversation, telephone call or important decision? Whatever it is, take time to reflect on whether your avoidance does not constitute success avoidance. To be continued, expect some more.

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    Source by George Chingarande

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  • My Wife Never Says She Loves Me – Does This Mean That My Marriage Is About to Be Over?

    My Wife Never Says She Loves Me – Does This Mean That My Marriage Is About to Be Over?

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    Are you stuck in a marriage, scratching your head in wonderment, saying my wife never says she loves me?

    If you’re in this position and you’re worried about your marriage going downhill fast, then you really need to pay special attention right now.

    This could mean trouble…

    Should I Panic If My Wife never Says She Loves Me

    Now here’s the thing. This could mean terrible trouble for your marriage, but it could also be absolutely nothing. You may be panicking and your wife just isn’t the type of person who goes around say I love you all the time.

    That does happen.

    However it still means that there’s a lot of room for improvement and it also tells me that your wife doesn’t adore you. You’re not the man that makes her swoon anymore. That’s especially apparent if she USED TO say I love you all the time, and now she’s stopped.

    So you’ve got some work to do either way. You can turn this around.

    Now here’s the thing that must happen first. You must accept responsibility, and take some of the blame that YOU haven’t the things that you could be doing that make a woman…and yes even a wife,..melt when she sees you.

    Most men mistakenly think that this is something that automatically goes away just because you’ve been married for a while. Nothing could be further from the truth. Just think, you’ve had all this time with your wife, so she should be completely and totally obsessed with you at this point if you think about it.

    But don’t worry, because you probably didn’t even realize this was possible. And you’re not alone. I too thought this was the norm. I was happy just to get along with my wife, until I realize that I could make her love me more, become nearly obsessed with me, and well…be completely attracted to me. And you know what that means!

    Here’s what it takes. It takes being the man that your wife truly wants. It means being the type of man that makes women obsessed with them. We’ve all seen them. And usually us guys make the mistake of thinking it’s because of looks, or money, or material things.

    Not even close to true, and I’m sure you can think of example to prove that. I’m sure you can think of those guys who always have women swooning over them and you sit there and think…why? How the heck is the guy doing it?

    The Secret to Making Your Wife Swoon

    Here’s the secret right here in this article, that could absolutely change your married life forever.

    The thing is that your wife must be attracted to you before she can get those fuzzy feelings of obsession for you. And the type of man that she is attracted to, down to her core…down to her DNA…is an alpha man who is (or at least seems to be) in charge.

    A leader is what your wife is looking for. Of course it’s so buried down deep in her DNA that she really doesn’t even get this. She thinks that all of these things that society makes her believe is what she wants, but the proof always shows up when a man starts acting like the alpha male that she really wants. It’s an amazing transformation, and you’ll quickly stop even worrying about having to say my wife never says she loves me because she’ll be showing it in more ways than one.

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    Source by Jason T. Nelson

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  • Dealing With Relationship Stress

    Dealing With Relationship Stress

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    The start to a relationship is often high-spirited when couples tend to fall head over heels for each other. The urgency to talk and meet is so intense that time seems to fly initially. However, when the euphoria settles and one gets used to the partner, real time problems start surfacing. At times, things might get so stressful that the partners start contemplating separation. At others, the stress slowly pushes them to the brink of developing mental disorders like depression and anxiety.

    Breaking the bond is the easiest thing to do, but, the actual strength of a relationship lies in dealing with the relationship stress together, as a couple and bringing back harmony. Unfortunately, not many couples have the patience to walk through the stressful times together. Yet, one must remember that it is a choice. Either one can work as a team and emerge stronger or one may decide to deal with the stress individually and let the relationship weaken. Given below are some of the ways in which relationship stress can be handled and the development of mental disorders prevented:

    • Accepting each other as is – It is important to understand that reality is far from the rom-com movies that we watch and romantic novels that we read. Expecting your partner to be perfect all the time is not realistic. All of us are flawed. Expecting too much paves the way for intense pressure and disappointments in the long run. Thus, one must accept their partner as is and focus on their strengths.

    • Communicating constructively – When faced with problems, some couples tend to go on silent mode with long periods of no communication. This is a recipe for disaster. One must muster the courage to break the silence and address the issues that have hampered the equation. Moreover, one must express their feelings gently. Shouting and not listening to the other person’s perspective is damaging and would do nothing to rebuild the relationship.

    • De-stressing together – Couples must de-stress together. This can be achieved by going on a holiday, attending concerts, going for walks, learning some hobby together, watching movies, and indulging in any activities that both the partners enjoy. Getting intimate is also indispensable to relieve stress in a relationship. Some couples avoid intimacy when they have unresolved conflicts, however, it is important to make love as that might set you talking and help resolve the unsaid issues.

    • Avoiding blame game – It is important to understand that in a relationship, both the partners are in the same team. Pushing down the other person by constant blaming them can get tiring and destructive for the health of the relationship. In addition, it is also critical to apologize sincerely once they understand that they are at fault.

    • Keeping up social networking – Sometimes, a couple gets so obsessed with each other that they forget about their social obligations. While the option of spending all your time with each other might seem interesting at first, over time, it may bring boredom into the equation. It might also build a lot of stress and socializing might offer a vent to it. Thus, one must keep in touch with their friends and relatives and meet them as often as possible.

    • Investing on self – It is vital to be present for each other in a relationship, however, one must not forget themselves. One must, therefore, ensure that they invest some time and resources on taking care of the self also. Eating right, getting adequate sleep, indulging in some sort of physical activity, getting a massage, etc., can help build self-esteem and invigorate the spirits of an individual.

    Seeking professional help for stress

    Sometimes, despite best intentions and efforts, it gets very difficult to reach a stage of equilibrium in a relationship. In such cases, the continuous stress may lead to the development of mental disorders like depression and anxiety.

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    Source by Susan Navarez

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