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  • I Miss My Separated Husband And Fear That He’s Never Coming Back

    I Miss My Separated Husband And Fear That He’s Never Coming Back

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    There are certain times in your life where it’s very easy to dread the worst case scenario. Even if you are a natural optimist, when you are faced with the reality that you dread and fear the most, you tend to allow your mind to go to unfortunate places and you almost expect the worst to happen to you.

    This is very common. Unfortunately though, your sense of dread can cause you to make desperate moves that you would not normally make, so that your worst case scenario actually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s extremely normal to expect the worst during a separation. For example, a wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for almost six months. If you would have told me at the beginning of the separation that things would be this bad, I would not have believed you. But they are pretty darn bad. When my husband left home and declared us separated, he made it sound like it would hopefully only be a temporary thing. I don’t know if this was really his intention or if he just did this for my benefit. But the separation has been anything but temporary. My husband never calls. I ask mutual friends if he asks about me and they have to admit that he does not. He acts like I am an annoyance to him. When we first separated, I figured that he would be back in less than three months time. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this much time would go by. And I have to be honest. I now think that he is never coming back. And I miss him so much. I am generally an upbeat person, but this has brought me down so badly. It is all I can think about. In the beginning of our separation, I tried to reach out to my husband all of the time, but he was not receptive to me. I still try, but not as often because the rejection is very hard to take. Some of my friends and family tell me that I need to just accept that he is never coming back and I guess that they are right. But this is a very sad reality for me to face and I’m finding it affecting me much more than I thought it would. How do you face the reality that the separated husband you miss so much is probably never coming back?”

    I am probably not the best person to ask as, despite all evidence to the contrary, I never really accepted that my husband wasn’t coming back. But things did get so bad that at one point, it became clear that I needed to live my life. I never gave up on my husband or my marriage. And I figured that if we were going to divorce, then he would need to be the one to pursue it. I left that alone and I tried to live my life as best as I could. I forced myself to stay busy so that I would stop continuously bothering my husband and being rebuffed. I traveled a lot so that the distance made it almost impossible for me to continue on with this cycle.

    Ironically, once I forced this shift on myself, my husband became receptive again. But I like to think that I would have carried on regardless. It is true that you can not control what your husband is ultimately going to do. But you do have control over what YOU are going to do. Focusing on the negative while standing still in your own life, (while absolutely understandable,) is not the best course of action. It took me far too long to learn this.

    You deserve better than just treading water. As hard as it is to see at the time, your marriage is just one aspect of your life. You have many others. Sure, no one willingly wants to put their marriage on hold. But when you have no choice in this, it is best not to put yourself dead last on your priority list. Because in that sense, you are suffering twice. You are suffering because of what is happening with your marriage. But you are also suffering as an individual because you are basically standing still – just waiting for something that is not completely within your control.

    Sure, you can certainly paint yourself in the best light, work on yourself, address your marital issues, and take advantage of any interaction with your spouse. (These things all help tremendously and may make it so that he might eventually come back.) But you can’t control what he thinks or does. So the best course of action is to do what you can and then to focus on moving yourself forward. Doing this doesn’t mean that you have to accept that your husband is never coming back – I certainly didn’t. But it does mean that you’ve made a conscious decision to not solely focus on the negative and to prioritize yourself enough to continue to live your life — rather than putting it off and seeing it through the negative lens that the separation has brought about.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • My Husband Says He’s Miserable With Me and Isn’t Sure He Wants to Be Married – Insights to Help

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    Over the weekend, I received some correspondence from a wife who had noticed her husband acting cold and distant all weekend. He seemed to be picking fights, was clearly on edge and was showing body language and postures which indicated that something was very wrong. Of course, the wife asked him what was bothering him and he proceeded to answer with phrases like “nothing,” or “it’s just a bad day.”

    The wife was not happy with these responses and continued to press. The husband proceeded to withdrawal and act defensive. Finally, after the wife continued to follow him around and nag him, he angrily blurted out “can’t you see I’m miserable with you? If it weren’t for the kids, I’m not sure if I’d even want to be married to you.” The wife later regretted her response (which was to tell the husband that being married to him was no picnic either.)

    Later when they both calmed down, she asked him if he really meant what he said. The husband took a deep breath and said “I really don’t want to hurt you, but yes, I’m just not happy. I don’t know if it’s healthy for either of us to remain married.” The wife wanted my advice as to how she should proceed or act around him as he was clearly determined to sulk and complain. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

    Determining What Responsibility A Wife Has In Her Husband’s Misery: The wife admitted that things weren’t perfect in her marriage. In fact, she had felt a distance growing in her marriage for some time. However, she would have never guessed that her husband was as miserable as he said he was. She suspected that he was projecting some disappointment and misery in other areas of his life and from his work onto their marriage.

    She may well have been right. This is actually quite a common occurrence. Much of the misery that he was feeling may not have initiated with her, but what was more important than it’s origin was the fact that he was equating his negative feelings with her and with the marriage. This may well be very unfair and even quite inaccurate. But, like it or not, this was her reality today and even she admitted that the marriage could use some improvement.

    So, while much of this may not have been her fault, there were certainly areas that she could address and improve. In a marriage that is working well, the spouse who is having issues with his job, his life, or his family will typically find solace and comfort in his spouse – rather than blaming her for the problem. The fact that he was doing just that indicated that there was a lot of room for improvement.

    So while the responsibility for the husband’s misery very likely did not lie totally with the wife, there was some opportunity to provide support and to let him know that she was there for him, willing to listen, and willing to help him in any way that she could – which is probably exactly what she would want for him to do if the roles were reversed.

    Beginning To Make Improvements In Your Marriage When You Husband Wants To Remain Alone In Being Miserable: When I explained some of these things with the wife, she was a bit resistant. She said that he was moping around so much that he might trip on his bottom lip. Granted, it can be hard to approach someone like this. But, she had pretty much been either ignoring him or trying to convince him either that he wasn’t as miserable as he thought, or that, if he was, this was his fault and not hers.

    Although this strategy is understandable, it’s not usually the most effective. The first step would be to calmly bring this out into the open and say your peace in a positive way that doesn’t continue to encourage or elicit his negative emotions. She might start by saying something like “I’m very sorry that you’re so unhappy right now. I love you and want for you to be happy. If there’s anything that I can do to help with this, I’m more than willing to do that. I can listen. I can offer support. I can make some shifts and changes if that’s what you need, but I can’t read your mind. Are you willing to talk about this so that we can come up with a plan to make this better?”

    I had no way to predict how the husband was going to react. I can tell you from previous experiences that some husbands will continue on with the negative act and say things like “it’s too late,” or “there’s nothing that you can do now.” Some men, though will begin to meet you half way even in the beginning. No matter what reaction you get, it’s very important that you respond in a positive manner. If they lash out, reply that you’re sorry to hear that and again offer your support. Eventually as you remain calm, supportive, and positive, it will become harder and harder to remain negative when you refuse to engage them.

    If they do tell you some things that might help, by all means meet them half way and do what you can to make things better. Although not all of this is your fault, it will only benefit both you and your marriage if you can lighten the tension, begin to identify and work on the issues, and to be the spouse that you would want your husband to be to you if the roles were reversed. If you can do this, it’s highly likely that all of the “ending the marriage” talk will begin to eventually lessen also.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • My Husband Wanted The Separation, But Now He’s Constantly Trying To Keep Tabs On Me

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    I sometimes hear from wives who are very confused about their husband’s conflicting behavior during a martial separation. Often, he is the one who initiated the separation and it seems as if he almost can’t wait to leave. But as soon as the couple are living apart, suddenly the husband wants to keep tabs on the wife or seems particularly interested in her day to day activities.

    I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been wanting to separate for a while. I tried my best to talk him out of it, but after listening to him insist upon it for months, I finally gave in and agreed to go and live with my sister for a little while. Since he was so anxious to get rid of me, I really didn’t expect to hear from him, although I knew that I would miss him terribly. I’ve been gone only two days, but now he is constantly calling me and wanting to know what I’m doing. I will answer the phone and the first thing he says to me is ‘what are you doing’ in an almost accusatory way. The truth is, I’m not doing anything and I tell him so. Why does he even ask? He couldn’t get rid of me quickly enough and now it’s like he wants to keep checking on me. What is going on?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

    He May Just Be Missing You: Men often envision having all kinds of peace and quiet so that they can think. But, sometimes this just isn’t the reality. Sometimes all that silence brings about is loneliness. And then he can start to wonder if this was such a good idea after all. And he looks around and notices that everything around him reminds him of you. Now, it might make things easier if he would just tell you all of this, but many men will not. Instead, they’ll call you and do annoying things like asking what, or how, you are doing.

    He Might Be Feeling Insecure: It’s very common for separated spouses to admit that they at least partly suspect that their spouse might eventually see other people during the separation. Your spouse might be acting on this suspicion or just looking for reassurance, which leads me to my next point.

    He’s Trying To Determine Your Frame Of Mind: It’s common for the spouse who initiated the separation to have a strong suspicions that you are going to be resentful and angry. Therefore, he might want to keep in close touch to gauge your feelings. He may want to see if your resentment is going to drive you away. And he may be feeling some remorse for his actions.

    Taking Some Positive Implications From These Annoying Questions: I know that this is probably very frustrating. But there is some positive indications here. If he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t be calling. If he wasn’t thinking about you at all and was living it up and celebrating his freedom, he wouldn’t be calling either. And since this wife didn’t want the separation in the first place and wanted to save her marriage, this was hopefully good news to her.

    How To Respond When He Keeps Calling And Asking What You’re Doing: First, you have to decide what you really want to happen. And ultimately, this wife wanted her husband to come home. I know that it’s tempting to say something like ‘well what do you think I’m doing? I’m sitting here staring at my sister and living in a strange place because you made me leave my own home for your silly separation,’ but this is a bad idea. Because you don’t want to discourage him from reaching out to you. Instead, you want to make him want to check in and initiate contact with you. So, as difficult as it may be, try to sound as upbeat as possible. Trying to make him feel guilty is the wrong call too, because it brings about pain and makes him want to avoid you. With that said, you don’t want to make it sound as if you are sitting by the phone waiting for his call. You want for him to know that you have too much self respect for that.

    An appropriate response might be something like: “not much. I’m just spending some time with my sister. We’ll probably go out and grab some dinner in a little while. What are you doing?”

    Notice I was light hearted and I turned the question back to him. And I alluded to the fact that no one was sitting around waiting. By asking what he was doing, you’re leaving it open ended for him to share his feelings. He might say that he’s not doing anything because he’s lonely. Or he might say that what he’s really doing is missing you. The point is to not engage with him and don’t ask him why he keeps calling you with his silly questions. Try to stay positive because this really is a good sign. It means he is interested and that he is reaching out. And not all separated spouses fall into this category. Some husbands rarely call their wives at all, let alone care about their experiences or feelings.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • My Husband Keeps Saying That He’s Going to Leave Me – Tips and Advice That May Help

    My Husband Keeps Saying That He’s Going to Leave Me – Tips and Advice That May Help

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    I recently heard from a wife who confided that every time that she and her husband disagreed or hit a rough patch in their marriage, the husband pulled out what the wife called the “leave card.” She told me: “every time things get rough, my husband says he’s going to leave. He’s packed his bags before, but he’s never actually left. Still, this hurts me and I’m getting tired of it. How can I make him see how old these threats are getting? At the same time, I’m afraid that someday soon, he’s actually going to follow through and walk out the door. I’m not sure what to do or how to handle this.”

    This type of correspondence is not all that uncommon. I hear many comments like this. And I can absolutely identify with these wives. This is a very difficult position to be in. It’s hard to move forward and to improve matters with the constant threat of him leaving hanging over your head. You can start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells or have to edit yourself or hold back in some way. So it’s very advisable to consider being proactive and addressing this before things deteriorate any more. I will discuss this more in the following article.

    Asking Him To Stop Constantly Making The Threats To Leave You And The Marriage: Admittedly, I don’t personally know this couple. But, from the little bit that the wife told me, two immediate facts jumped out and seemed most important. First, despite the husband’s repeated threats, he had not left. He was still there, repeating the same old things. This tells us that he’s either not 100% committed to leaving or he’s not yet reached the breaking point or place where it’s feasible or comfortable to move on.

    The second thing that was important was that the husband kept repeating the threats. Now, the wife was very frustrated with this, but one possibility was that the husband was repeating or accelerating his words because nothing was changing or improving and this was the only way that he knew to attempt to get the response that he wanted. Sometimes, people keep repeating the same patterns out of frustration. And, sometimes, they do this because they know no other way.

    But whatever the reason for this negative cycle, I felt that the wife might gain some ground if she approached this subject with both directness and empathy. It was going to be very hard for the two of them to get on the same page when he kept on retreating. So, the next time that he started with the “I’m just going to leave you,” talk, I felt that the wife should have asked him to sit down and talk about this for a minute.

    With a break in the action, the wife might consider telling the husband that they both knew that this was a path that they had been down many times before. And yet, nothing was really changing except that they were both getting frustrated with the same old course of events that never yielded the outcome that either of them really wanted. I suggested that the wife offer to make the husband a deal. She would genuinely listen to why he felt the way that he did and make a very honest effort to address and improve things if he would stop with threats to leave her every time things got tough.

    Understanding The Opportunity That Has Presented Itself And Taking Positive Action To Stop This Cycle: I understood why the wife doubted that she was in so great of a position, but I had to admit to her that there were some advantages that she did have. On an almost daily basis, I hear from wives who were either served divorce papers or who came home to an empty house missing a husband (because he left) with seemingly no warning whatsoever. These women would’ve loved to have had a warning period and a chance to fix things before this action was taken.

    So, while the wife was tired of all this, she had to admit that she still had a chance to make things better and to save the marriage. This was an advantage as was the fact that, despite all of his empty words and posturing, the husband was still there. Clearly, he wasn’t sure that he really wanted to leave, but he was sure that he wanted change that he wasn’t getting, which is why this cycle kept repeating itself.

    Once the wife was able to see this, she was willing to approach things differently. But, before she charged forward wanting to make drastic changes, I told her that it might be a good idea to focus on reconnecting. There was a lot of underlying resentment and anger and I felt that the changes and efforts might not last if they attempted to work things out while both people were still a little lukewarm to one another.

    Do you remember when you were first together and your issues were always little spats that passed over quickly? This is because you were deeply connected and didn’t want to allow for anything to derail that process. Sure, things change and people mature. But often, you’ll find that if you can get to a place where you feel genuine affection and empathy for your spouse, working out the remaining issues becomes so much easier and you’re much less likely to continue to hear the threats that neither one of you are listening to anymore anyway.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • My Husband Says He’s Going To Leave Me, And Yet He’s Still In Our Home – Why?

    My Husband Says He’s Going To Leave Me, And Yet He’s Still In Our Home – Why?

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    Often, when a husband announces that he is going to leave, a wife expects him to promptly pack his bags and begin the separation. It’s not that this is what the wife wants to happen. But when someone makes an announcement that is this serious, well, the assumption is that no one would want to drag their feet on this, as once the decision has been made, it’s probably easier to just go ahead and move out.

    However, this isn’t what always happens. Some husbands make this announcement and then they don’t really move out right away. Some are still telling their wives that they are leaving even as they continue to park themselves on the couch and make use of the refrigerator. A wife might say: “I truly don’t get it. Three weeks ago, my husband came home and announced that he is going to leave me. He said that our marriage hasn’t been good for a while now and that he thinks that we should take a break and live apart to see what happens. This isn’t what I want. In my heart, I feel like if he leaves, he might never come back and we might end up divorced. He actually told me that he wanted to leave on a Friday night. I expected him to move out that weekend. Why wait? If you’re going to take the initiative to tell your wife that you are going to leave her, I would think that you would want to leave as soon as possible. That isn’t the case, though. It’s three weeks later and he’s still in our house. He’s still complaining. He’s still saying he’s going to leave and yet he is still here. I’m afraid to ask him why he’s still here because I am afraid that he would take that to mean that I wanted him out. My mom says that he is essentially free loading or that he’s too lazy to find a new place, but that doesn’t make sense, as my husband earns more than I do. Why do men say that they want to leave their wives and then stay at home?”

    I can only speculate, because there are a variety of reasons. I will list some of them below so that you can see if any of them might ring true.

    He May Not Want To Actually Leave And Was Just Trying To Get A Reaction: Sometimes, a husband truly is frustrated with the marriage or the situation, but he doesn’t know how to create change. He may have tried to make a change without success or he’s afraid that you will be resistant or defensive. So he puts the “leaving” out there in the hopes that you will try to stop him or that you will then be open to negotiating change.

    He May Be Trying To Move Out At The Right Time Or In The Right Way: Some husbands do take their time in actually moving out. Many aren’t all that excited about moving from their familiar and comfortable home into a smaller apartment. Others will try to leave their wife in a good place before they physically move out. What I mean by that is that some will complete repairs and necessary maintenance before they leave so that their wife doesn’t have to worry about this.

    He May Be Having Second Thoughts: This is the final suggestion that I will make. We all say things or make decisions out of frustration, only to have second thoughts later. Actually moving out of your home and pursuing a marital separation is a huge step. And it would be completely normal for him to reconsider and then to hesitate to admit this. It’s possible that he’s hoping that this will just blow over or that you will ask him not to leave.

    Deciding Where To Go From Here: Since you can’t know which of the above is true (unless he tells you,) then you have to ask yourself what really matters the most. If you want to save your marriage, then I think you have focus on the fact that at least he’s still there – whatever the reason. It’s so much easier to save your marriage when your husband is physically present. When he moves out, it can be difficult to reconnect and to not have repeated misunderstandings since communication is limited and not always face-to-face. Yes, I know that it is frustrating that he’s sending mixed signals and that this is confusing. But I think that it is better to focus on the fact that he is there rather than questioning him and then potentially forcing him out. If you can use this time to improve things so that he doesn’t follow through and leave, then that’s probably the best option.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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