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  • Is He Marriage Material? Four Steps for Creating Your Custom Plan & Deciding If He's Worth Your Time

    Is He Marriage Material? Four Steps for Creating Your Custom Plan & Deciding If He's Worth Your Time

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    It's important that you know yourself, your goals, your needs and wants really well before you can find a great relationship that could potentially lead to marriage.

    And the best way to determine if your current or future boyfriend is marriage material is to know yourself, create a checklist of what's right for you, and then test him to see if he fits.

    In this article, we'll break down what things you need to know about both yourself and him in order to even consider that next step!

    Step One: Know There Is a "Mr. Perfect for You" and That You Can Design Him

    Are you still waiting for HIM? You know who I mean:

    "Mr. Right". The perfect man that will satisfy all your dreams and make your life worth living?

    Yeah, that guy. Well, sorry to break it to you like this but …

    Prince Charming, riding on a white stallion, lost his way because men hate asking for directions.

    Or he found Princess Charming and got married to her on his way to your castle … or, you know, your apartment.

    And by the way, even Prince Charming wasn't flawless. I'm pretty sure he left dirty dishes in the sink and never made up the bed.

    Anyway, the point is that PERFECT isn't showing up anytime soon.

    Truth is … nobody is perfect. No man and no woman. Perfection doesn't exist in people. But don't feel bad if you have been looking for the perfect man.

    I did that for a long time, deathly afraid that if I didn't get him exactly right, I'd failed myself, my future kids, the planet, my Mama, and possibly God.

    I was wrong. Don't even look for perfect, because the concept of "perfect for YOU" exists instead. You can plan the guy that may not perfect in the world, but is perfect for and fits YOU well.

    The perfect-for-you man of your dreams is not hiding under your bed, though. That would be too easy. Can't have that.

    Nope, you are going to have to actively design and then look for him. But don't worry, the search can be fun if you want it to be, and the hardest part is done. You now know you won't find perfect, so the pressure is off!

    By the way, are you feeling the whole "not pretty enough" thing sometimes too? Wondering "why am I still single" even?

    I did too. However, I learned that although I may not completely fit my society's "standard of beauty", I did meet quite a few men's individual standard of beauty … or was at least close enough!

    And that's all you really need. So don't worry. "Mr. Close-Enough-To-Perfect-For-You" might be just around the corner … if you'll give him a chance!

    You can plan him. Don't do this by default.

    I've noticed that we sometimes find ourselves dating or even married by what I call "by default". That means we find a man, decide that he is the best we can do, and latch on without really analyzing him to determine if he's really right for us or our lives.

    Don't fall victim to default. This isn't the time for "get in where you fit in". You CAN plan him. When you do your research and work your strategy, you won't have to put up with the losers!

    You'll have a way to know whether he's marriage material … or not!

    Now that you know that there is no "Mr. Right" or perfect man, the pressure is off, and you can now have fun looking for what I call your "ideal male". You're also aware that dating by default isn't the best way to avoid the pain of being with a dud. And you understand you can take the bull by the horns and decide what you want your ideal guy to look like.

    Now it's time to dive into YOU, determine your dating deal breakers, and decide what kind of guy fits you best.

    Step Two: Get to Know YOU: Your Goals and Dreams, Needs and Wants, and Deal Breakers

    Did you see the first The Matrix ™ movie? Remember that scene where Neo goes to see the Oracle?

    He is trying to figure out if he's "the one" – a Messiah of sorts and the man Morpheus is searching for– and thinks the Oracle can help him decide what to do.

    Typical of a good mentor, the Oracle makes Neo find his own way. Before putting him out to find his own answers, she points out the plaque above her door that reads nosce te ipsum.

    Know thyself.

    You should know yourself really well before committing to someone else.

    Have you ever taken time to really think about what YOU want for your life? I don't mean what you THINK you want – which is usually what others want for you – or what society wants for you – don't get me started on that, but what YOU really, truly, want for yourself?

    Why? Well, understanding yourself is the most important thing you can do before getting deeply involved with another person.

    I'm not saying you'll do everything perfectly even if you see yourself clearly. Problems can still happen, and you will make mistakes.

    But if you pick a mate based on what you learn about yourself, you will have a much better shot at finding compatibility than if you have no idea who you are and just go into this blindly, hoping it will turn out okay.

    If you don't know yourself or your needs well, and hook up with someone before finding YOU first, you may end up realizing that the person you are with does not fit you or your life at all, or at least not enough for things to last very long. Relationship compatibility is CRUCIAL.

    Being badly matched could be disastrous, especially if you cement yourself to him by having a child or getting married.

    Know Your Goals and Dreams … and Stick With Them

    When I think about it, I'm so glad to have been born when I was. We've got so many options now that women in my mother's age range and older just didn't have. We now have the tools and the right to decide what we want in terms of a career, marriage, and family just as much as men do.

    However, despite having goals and dreams, we sometimes get so caught up in a relationship that our own lives take a backseat. We end up giving up our dreams for relationships and marriage, children and family.

    Now, if you have a family with a man that's right for you then maybe these sacrifices are worth it.

    However, they are never worth it with the wrong man, so always keep your goals in the front of your mind and don't let the wrong guy take them from you.

    So what are your goals and dreams?

    Think about the things you want to do with your life. Your goals can be in any category, including career, travel, health, spirituality … anything at all. It's up to you. But to get you started, I suggest you look at these areas.

    What do you want to be when you grow up?

    Do you have a specific career in mind? Is there any special education you want to achieve? Anywhere in particular you want to work? Maybe even start your own business?

    What about fun? Have you always wanted to travel? Where to? How long? Don't be modest; anything is possible!

    Do you have any specific body or health goals? Want to lose a bit of weight? Gain weight? Gain muscle? Run a marathon?

    Do you feel a lack in your spiritual life? Want to attend church more? Study other religions? Memorize a holy book or two? Become a Buddhist? None of the above? Don't forget this is about YOU.

    Do you want kids? No kids, but more dogs? A cat or two? A llama? Plan your own family goals!

    The point is that these are to be YOUR ambitions and no one else's. Let your imagination have some fun.

    Now that you've considered your goals, let's look at what you want and need in a relationship.

    Decide on Your Needs / Wants

    I hear some of you asking: "wants or needs … what's the difference?"

    Well, when I say needs, it's exactly that. Those are characteristics you can't really live without. Wants are nice, but not crucial. You can go on without them if necessary.

    I have several friends who are single and looking for a good man. A couple of these ladies wanted to buck the trend of just dating whoever came along.

    Instead they really studied themselves and then decided what type of man they want. They began to examine what type of guy complemented them and quickly discovered what they would and would not tolerate in a mate. I suggested they document their needs and wants to decide if the next guy would fit them.

    For example, one friend, Josie, decided her ideal guy would know how – and be willing to – cook some of the meals. He had to be thoughtful, emotionally available and like to talk things out after an argument instead of hiding out and pouting.

    She also realized she needed him to be on the same page as her spiritually, and that he would have to be an avid church attendee. He also should love and want children like she did.

    Clearly, getting involved with a man who had none (or barely any) of these characteristics would result in serious arguments and almost guaranteed problems in Josie's future.

    So she wrote her requirements on a checklist, and if potential dates didn't meet her minimum needs, she politely said thanks, but no thanks.

    By doing her work up front, Josie was able to avoid a lot of the painful frustrations of dating the wrong guy. She hasn't found the "right one" quite yet, but she's successfully avoided several really wrong ones.

    So what are your wants and needs pertaining to him?

    Like Josie, do you want him to be spiritual or religious? Look back at your goals list. Does it have any things on it that you want to do and he should match? For example, if your goal is to become a Buddhist, should he already be one, or be open to it?

    Should he want kids? Should he want pets? Do you already have a pet and / or or kids and the "children" have to sign off on him?

    Next, you will discover that some of your wants / needs will have nothing to do with your goals. They'll be all about his personality traits, which we'll cover in a bit.

    Be Aware of Your Deal Breakers

    Speaking of wants vs. needs … deal breakers – like needs- are crucial. These are the characteristics you must have – or avoid – for a relationship to work.

    A huge deal breaker that I have encountered in my work has been the differing desire for children. If that's you, just be upfront about it.

    If he wants kids and you don't, that's okay, but you two aren't compatible. If you want them and he doesn't, then it isn't going to work. Children just aren't something you can compromise on.

    Another deal breaker I recommend you consider is ANY type of abuse. Even if it seems "mild" or that he's "just playing", mistreatment is a red flag and it's better to be single than dead. Too many women have ignored the signs and ended up paying with their lives.

    Are there other deal breakers on your mind? Then put them on your list.

    Now That You've Listed Them, Look for Your Needs, Wants, Dreams and Deal Breakers in HIM

    If you're currently dating, does your current guy fit any of the items on your checklist so far?

    Remember to be honest about this. Be aware whether you see these attributes because you want to, or if they are really there.

    Be honest with yourself, put the emotion aside, and find out who he actually is. Time out for the fantasies and soap operas. This is serious. If he really doesn't fit – even if you really want him to – strike him from consideration. Doing so doesn't mean he isn't a good guy, he's just not the right one for you.

    Step Three: Look for Generally Good Traits in Him

    Remember I said earlier that you also needed to consider his personality traits too?

    Now it's time to look into whether he has good personality traits or whether he shows some relationship red flags you need to steer clear of.

    I'll mention my top three desirable traits just to get you started. It's up to you decide whether they are also on your list, or you can do without them. I know I've said this a lot, but your checklist is always yours and should reflect you, not me or anyone else.

    Trust

    Trust. I usually trust close family and friends, but are hesitant to extend it to strangers. It takes a while to gain my trust, and I suggest you do the same when dating.

    Have you ever heard the expression "measure twice, cut once?". I think it's mostly for carpenters and woodworkers who want to be sure before making a permanent move. You can always take off a little more, but you can't always put it back.

    Keeping that phrase in mind while dating wouldn't hurt. Why?

    We have to be careful. A poor choice in a mate can have huge consequences in a woman's life, so we definitely have to measure our men multiple times before committing. One of the ways you should evaluate a man is whether you trust him, so be sure to do that carefully.

    To determine whether you can trust your partner, here are a few tips:

    * Rely on yourself first. Do you normally make good decisions? Yes? Then trust that you will make the right call.

    * Depend on your head and your heart. Look for signs. Is he checking out other women when you're together? Does he hang around with trustworthy people or does he deal with shadies?

    * Pay attention to what he is telling you AND showing you and then use that information to help you make informed decisions. Talk is cheap. Watch what he DOES.

    * Remember that if you have decided that you are going to trust him, then follow through and trust him! Don't sit and worry at night, wondering what he's doing or if he's being unfaithful.?If you feel you have to do that, then a relationship with this guy just isn't worth the stress.

    Honesty

    Trust and honesty go hand in hand, so let's talk about it a bit. Find out if your partner is honest before getting too deeply involved with him.

    How do you know if your guy is honest?

    Take the initiative.

    You must be honest if you're expecting it from your partner. Don't hide things, mislead him, or tell little "white lies" that are so easy to rationalize: it's no big deal if I just hide this small detail, etc.

    I know an otherwise really sweet couple who seemed to build their relationship on white lies. I think they were trying to "spare each other" from bad stuff, but it ended up backfiring on them. They didn't outright lie to each other (at least in their minds), but those little lies formed cracks in their relationship that eventually caused it to collapse.

    Do your homework.

    Find out all you can about your partner.

    You don't have to be obsessed, but do your research within reasonable boundaries.

    I don't think it's necessary to get the cops involved here, but say if you were introduced by a mutual friend or family member, ask that person about your partner. Are they trustworthy? What are they like in private? Find out those types of things and you'll quickly get an idea of ​​their honesty.

    You'd ask for a referral and recommendations for anything else you're considering -from a plumber to a lawyer-why not get more information on a potential mate?

    Last, make sure he knows upfront that honesty is an expectation and you won't tolerate anything less.

    Have conversations about honesty. Make it clear that you are going to be honest and ask him to do the same. It's funny how many issues in relationships can be worked out through simple communication. Just talk.

    If you start your relationship on a good, honest foundation, your chances of success increase greatly over those who choose to be dishonest or shady. And if you inform him upfront that it's expected, here's his chance to leave if he can't handle it.

    As with anything else, there is risk involved. If trust is earned and then continues, awesome! But if it gets broken, don't beat yourself up and think you failed. You did everything you could.

    We all make mistakes, you're only human. Learn from it, move on, and eventually you'll get it right!

    Respect

    I try to follow "The Golden Rule". I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. I want to be respected, so I try my hardest to respect others. It ain't easy all of the time, but it's worth at least trying!

    If you have tried giving plenty of respect to your partner, but are not getting it in return, don't forget that you have the right to fix that problem. Don't just take his lack of respect lying down!

    Whether that means talking with him about the lack of respect and asking for changes, or deciding this is not worth your time, make sure you don't allow disrespect to continue too long.

    To figure out where you stand, ask yourself these questions:

    • Does he respect you? If he demeans, objectifies, or degrades you, you're better off leaving. As the investors say on Shark Tank ™: "I'm out".

    • Notice the way he treats you when you don't agree with him. Can you appreciate each other's different views without him getting pissed off?

    • Find opportunities to be around his closest friends or family. When with familiar people, he will show his true colors eventually. Is he respectful around them?

    • How does his family treat you? If they treat you as their equal, not an inferior, that's a good sign. Hopefully, he learned good things from them.

    You also need to be honest with yourself regarding how you view your partner. Do you really value him, too? If you find you don't, you need to rethink your relationship.

    Step Four: Tidy Up Your List

    This isn't the end, it's just the beginning. Your checklist is always growing and changing along with you, so don't hesitate to add or even delete items that no longer fit you.

    The point is that your plan reflect you at all times and if used, will allow you to choose a man who is right for you.

    Good luck!

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    Source by Nichole White

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  • 4 Easy Ways to Spice Up Things in the Bedroom

    Are you in a relationship that seems as if it is stalled in the bedroom?  If so, your first thought may be to terminate the relationship.  But, what if your relationship is long-term?  What if you are married?  What if you really do love your partner?  What steps should you take then?

    When it comes to being unhappy in the bedroom, it is important to know that ending a marriage or a relationship should only be used as a last approach.  Instead, you will want to take steps to spice things up.  Doing so may improve more than just your intimacy, but it may do wonders for your relationship in general.

    As nice as it is to hear that you can and should spice things up and in the bedroom, you may be unsure as to how you should proceed.  If that is the case, please continue reading on.  Below, four easy ways that you can spice things up in the bedroom, are covered.

    1 – Engage in Foreplay

    When you do have sex, what happens?  Do you and your partner get right down to business?  If you do, that may be a huge problem.  Unfortunately, many couples do not realize that intimacy is more than just about having sex.  It is also about having a happy and healthy relationship.  If you rely on sex to make your relationship succeed, there is a very good chance that it will actually fail.

    If you and your partner don’t already engage in foreplay, start doing so.  Also, remember that foreplay doesn’t have to start in the bedroom.  Call your lover, send a text message, or a handwritten note expressing your desires to get intimate with them later on.

    2 – Be Spontaneous

    When you want to have sex, what do you do?  If you actually take the time to ask your partner if they want to be intimate with you, you may be doing more harm than good.  Asking first can make being intimate seem more like a chore than something that should bring you pleasure.  The next time that you want to move to the bedroom, don’t ask first.  Just lead your partner there.  In fact, who needs a bedroom?

    Know that being spontaneous is about more than not talking about sex first.  Ways that you can be spontaneous with your partner is to have sex at a different time, date, or place.

    3 – Talk About Your Fantasies

    One of the biggest reasons why couples have problems with sex is because one person isn’t having their desires fulfilled.  If that is the case with you?  Does your partner know what you like or what you want to get out of being intimate?  If not, it is time for you to let them know.

    Be sure to talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies and desires.  What would you like to try in the bedroom?  In addition to expressing your wants, needs, and darkest fantasies, be sure to let your partner do the same.  Remember that both of you should walk away from an intimate encounter pleased.

    4 – Experiment in the Bedroom

    Another one of the easy ways that you can spice up things in the bedroom is by experimenting.  When doing so, you may be pleased with all of your options.  For starters, you can try a new sex position.  This may not only lead to extra pleasure, but fun and excitement.  Sex toys, romantic or pornographic videos, and role playing are other good ideas for experimenting in the bedroom.

    Remember that experimenting in the bedroom is a good way to spice up your intimacy, but be sure to use your best judgment.  It may be a wise decision to first discuss making changes with your partner, as you will not want to make him or her feel uncomfortable.

    So there you have it!  You know have a few ideas on how you can go about spicing up things in the bedroom.  So what are you waiting for?  Get started today.

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  • How Text Messaging Can Help to Improve Your Sex Life

    Are you looking for an easy, yet unique way to improve your sex life or even just your relationship in general?  If you are, do you and your partner own and use cell phones?  If so, improving your relationship through the use of text messages is a fun and creative, yet unique approach to take.  If you haven’t already tired this approach, you should.

    As nice as it is to hear that text messaging can help to improve your communication or your sex life, you may be looking for more information.  First, you may be wondering if it is really possible to do.  Can a simple text message ignite passion in your relationship?  Yes, it can.  In fact, you may be surprised just how much passion can be ignited.  Please continue reading on for more information on just how it can and should be done.

    For starters, do you have any sexual fantasies or desires that you would like to see transformed into reality?  Are you bored with your current level of intimacy and would like to make changes?  If so, you need to speak with your partner.  Unfortunately, this is often a lot easier said than done for some men and women.  You should have no problem talking to your partner about intimacy, but the subject may be one that makes you feel uncomfortable.  If that is the case, text messaging may be an easy approach to take. The ability to mask yourself behind a cell phone may provide you with a certain level of comfort and peace of mind.

    In addition to using text messages as a way to improve your communication and your sex life, you can and should use it as a form of foreplay.  Unfortunately, many individuals make the mistake of assuming that foreplay can only happen in the bedroom, but it doesn’t have to be that way.  Is your partner on their way home from work?  Are you in the mood for intimacy?  If you are, send them a few sexy, seductive, and suggestive text messages. In a few creative words, let them know that you are at home waiting for them and ready for an adventure.

    As romantic and as adventurous as using a cell phone to add new life to your intimacy can be, it is also important to proceed with caution.  There are a few important dos and don’t that you first need to know.  Do not send sexy or seductive text messages to a family cell phone.  A family cell phone can be defined as one that all members of the family uses, like one that your son or daughter may borrow.  These types of text messages are and should be private.  Also, avoid sending text messages to work issued cell phones.  Often times, text messages are not allow, but they may also be viewed by others.

    In addition to spicing up your current relationship or marriage, text messages can also be used as a way to court new partners.  Did you just recently get the phone number of a nice and attractive man or woman at a bar or party?  If you did, send them a flirty text message.  For many, sending a text message is a lot easier than placing an actual phone call.  When first making contact, be sure to use caution and your best judgment.  Do not go overboard or be too sexy or seductive.  There is a better time and place for these types of messages.  Speaking of that time and place, wait until after you have received a response back or until after your first real date.

    As a recap, text messaging is a unique, fun, and creative way to improve your sex life.  If you and your partner own cell phones, start using them today.  You may be more than pleased with the results.  As a reminder, text messages can also be used to get the communication started in a new relationship.

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  • Why Not Have A Happy Marriage While Avoiding The Crash Of A Divorce?

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    It is very important to find both present moment joy and pleasure about happy and successful married life and your future.

    Happiness is of the keys to a successful marriage and is the fuel for a significant life, and without it we can not appear to get the life we want.

    Ways to find happiness and to have a successful marriage is not always a simple solution, and yet you have to be conscious of it.

    You must concentrate on the things that you have in order to find that you both have a happy married life.

    Many folks prefer to dwell on the important things that they do not have and even pine over them.

    When people can not find happiness in their own life they do not know the best ways to grow and discover into happy married life.

    How to possess the keys to a successful marriage means the aspect that you already have actually found happiness in your own life.

    In regular times, individuals understand exactly what they are blessed with.

    Others, who just merely crave exactly whatever they see and want it severely and obsessively, are never pleased for their worldly belongings can not fill the empty void inside of them.

    The best ways to discover happiness in a marriage starts with everybody finding happiness with God.

    When mood swings are in the air and lift you up assisting you to forget concerns, God will help you through your state of mind.

    Happiness is the normal state of grace for mankind.

    Take a look at a little child taking its first steps with a proud smile and you will realize that state of grace I’m speaking of.

    The little child does not want anything in return, it is genuinely pleased.

    For the next few days hang around looking for your pure instants of joy.

    Each instant in your life kept filled with enjoyment will help you to keep happiness and joy in your marriage.

    Please count the moments of joy that you have felt. How to find happiness in a marriage is by your mindset.

    Being truly happy is everything!

    Previously I discussed free available information on saving the marriage today by staying happy in such an often conflicting world.

    True happiness is a mindset of observing the excellence of grace within you constantly flowing your way.

    We need to understand how to keep from sinking far too low while we journey through this world.

    The trick to finding joy in our own lives and of our marital relationship is to get into the habit of searching for advantages, rather of griping all the time about whatever that has failed.

    Pleasure offers us a sensation of power and energy.

    Delight means being excited about now and about the future.

    I always thought that to discover actually JOY in your life that you need to follow these simple fundamental guidelines.

    You need to put your inner divine Self first in your life, something Jesus and so many other masters were here to teach us.

    Jesus has channeled to us through the Course in Miracles that, “My holy brother, I would enter into all relationships, and step between you and your fantasies. Let my relationship to you be real to you, and let me bring reality to your perception of your brothers.”

    Always put others upfront in your life, and have a caring attitude toward the world in general.

    That has always been my mantra, so to speak, for a better more fulfilled happy life and a happy married life.

    You must focus on the things that you have within you and learn to reflect that abundance and joy to the material world, in order to find happiness in your marital relationship, too.

    Be sure to extend your inner bliss.

    Remember, when you have no inner bliss being projected to your life in this world, you can not ever realize how to find happiness in a marriage.

    How to discover happiness in a marriage stems from the element that you already have discovered joy in your own life.

    On the other hand, a once happy married life for some folks turns into to an ugly matter of the divorce.

    (Please also note, I suggest seeking out the web for more helpful material on things like, how coping with divorce may need to be addressed, and if so, learning to redirect the mental power of our errors into positive results.)

    To success in love and life!

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    Source by James Nussbaumer

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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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