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  • The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

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    Stop to consider your last fight with your spouse. The exact subject may escape you at the moment. We understand. After a while, the spats – over bills, your job, in-laws or the dishes still in the sink – can all blur together. But contrary to popular belief, it’s not the amount of conflict in your marriage or what you argue about that determines your relationship’s survival rate. to marriage researchers, how a couple fights tends to be the best predicator of whether they’ll end up enjoying their golden years together or battling it out in divorce court. So learning to fight less may not be quite as important as learning to fight fair.

    Four Deadly Sins of Marriage

    Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage. He ominously refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Every couple needs to be vigilant and ensure none of the four gallop into their marriage and wreak irreversible havoc.

    Horseman #1: Criticism

    The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together – day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.

    Note that criticism differs from complaining. Criticism focuses on the person. Complaining focuses on the behavior. This may seem like subtle nuance but research shows it is a distinction that makes a significant difference in the long term. For example, this is a critical statement: “You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction.” These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack.

    Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person’s behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an “I” instead of “you”: “I get so frustrated when you are driving and don’t know where you are going.” See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though “I” statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage manageable during explosive moments.

    Horseman #2: Contempt

    You’re an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Period.

    Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.

    Horseman #3: Defensiveness

    Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn’t put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.

    As understandable as this response can be, it is still hugely destructive. It builds walls. Rather than allow room for connectedness, the foundation for conflict resolution, it tends to breed emotional distance. Defensiveness blocks healing and forgiveness.

    Horseman #4: Stonewalling

    Because stonewalling is not explicitly aggressive, couples often underestimate its destructive potential. But it can be just as devastating to a relationship in its passiveness. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution.

    Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners.

    The Secret to Fighting Fair

    Now that you know the four horsemen, make a conscious effort to keep them in the stable before they trample your marriage. One of the best ways to do this is to make “repair attempts” during your next argument. According to Gottman, repair attempts are any words or actions that prevent a conflict from escalating out of control. As simple as it sounds, repair attempts keep a marriage from becoming negative, hostile and distant.

    Repair attempts can be as basic as changing the topic, giving a compliment, apologizing or saying, “I’ve been cranky all day, can we start over?” It can be as simple as saying, “Don’t worry, we’ll get through this” or cracking a joke to diffuse tension. Research even shows couples who touch during arguments also tend to show higher relationship satisfaction. Do whatever works for you when conflict rears its ugly head.

    Remember, the more entrenched the negative patterns of behavior in your marriage become, the more difficult it becomes to break them. Don’t become a victim of these negative cycles. When two mature people can take ownership and be flexible, they will keep their marriage strong even though they may not always agree. As a Scottish proverb says, “Better bend than break.”

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    Source by Grant Langston

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  • Entrepreneurship – Craze of Present Generation

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    An Entrepreneurship sets up an enterprise for profit motive and rightly so. But if you start your business with the 'Show me the money' attitude, rest be assured that you will not go very far!

    Ever wondered why in the world of Entrepreneurship, some carve a niche for themselves and stand out from the crowd, while others, even though successful, have a mundane existence?

    Well it all lies on certain qualities that an Entrepreneur may possess or the way certain activities are conducted by him / her. Here are special skills which you need to hone to become the Successful Entrepreneur.

    Everybody has a certain goal in life which just refuses to go away or change. You must understand this goal to be the calling of your life. Write down this goal – It will time and again remind you, how important it is to achieve this goal and will not let you sleep until you achieve it and become a celebrated Entrepreneur.

    Share your Dream with Right people – Law of Entrepreneurship

    In this world of make belief, you should be able to distinguish between the good, bad and the ugly. Many Entrepreneurial dreams die a quite death because somebody labeled it 'stupid' and constantly put you down until you also started believing your dream to be stupid and chose to abandon it. Share your dreams with only those whom you trust and are actually the propellers of your life.

    Find yourself a Mentor – Key Role in Entrepreneurship

    Someone who has already been there after many trials and turbulence is the right person to advice you. Somebody who has been there and done with can impart some priceless wisdom which you can use to carve a niche for yourself. But you must be very clear about what you will gain from the mentor-men-tee relationship. This will determine whom you can tap for assistance. The right Mentor will always short-cut your leaning process and give you the push you need and help you to stay task focused.

    Observe deeply and Practice Incessantly

    An Entrepreneur must consciously set aside some quite time to take on board any new ideas, things to learn and allow your mind to wander. You never know what your 'downtime' can fetch your business! Similarly only incessant practice will make an Entrepreneur perfect. Short cuts have never helped anyone in life. It is only your endurance for more and more practice that will give you results.

    Seek Challenges in Life

    The yardstick of success of an Entrepreneur is measured by the challenges he / she has overcome. Never be scared to consciously seek challenges in your Entrepreneurial life. Remember challenges are not setback of life. They are simply life's way of requesting you to make full use of the resources and tools available with you to resolve them.

    As an Entrepreneur you must have the skill set to select the right tool at the right time to overcome the challenge.

    Welcome Criticism – Challenge in Entrepreneurship

    In your journey as an Entrepreneur, be ready to welcome criticism from associates / citizens / clients / and sometimes even friends and family. There will be people out, there highly critical of your product / service. You must possess the gall to take such criticism in your stride and take them positively. If praise motivates you, then criticism must stimulate you to do better and better, not the opposite. If you cannot accept criticism, then your ego is getting in the way of your best judgement.

    Be Self Driven not Ego Driven

    An Entrepreneur must be proud, confident, self assured but not ego driven. Be humble and let your feet be planted firmly on the ground. Let your actions and achievements speak for you, not your boating and bragging. The more you brag, the more will sound phony. Remember, it is the empty vessel which makes the most noise.

    Carve a niche for yourself

    An entrepreneur must try to find out his niche area. Each of us has a special ability, a quite story which sets us apart from others. Play around with this strength and craft your own persona. Of you try to become a carbon copy of some you admire, you will never be able to make a name for yourself. Remember, the original always looks better than the copy. So leave your idol on the pedestal to be admired from a distance.

    What Goes Around Comes Back.

    As an Entrepreneur, you must try and help and benefit others. Give whatever you have in abundance- your time. your service or knowledge to those who are badly in need of it. You will be amazed at what you stand to gain when you give it to others.

    Value Learning over Money – Basics of Entrepreneurship

    An Entrepreneur sets up an enterprise for profit motive and rightly so. But if you start your business with the 'Show me the money' attitude, rest be assured that you will not go very far! Instead show humility and value what you have learnt in your journey as an Entrepreneur. Money will follow you steadily and surely, if you apply what you have learnt.

    Be Thankful

    Be thankful that you could become an Entrepreneur, be thankful that you could learn your failures, be thankful that you are at the receiving end of so many blessings and above all, be thankful that you are alive!

    Gratitude always unlocks the fullness of your life and indeed will make you the celebrated "A Successful" Entrepreneur.

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    Source by Akshay Lendey

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  • I’m Afraid My Husband Has Moved On And That It’s Too Late To Get Him Back: Insights That Might Help

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    I often hear from wives who want to know when it’s too late to get their husband back. Some tell me that, in their minds, it is too late because their husband has seemed to “move on.” I often hear comments like “We’ve been separated for six months. I think my husband has started seeing someone else. I’m starting to think that this is the end and that it’s too late for us. If someone has moved on, does that mean the end of the marriage?”

    Another example is something like: “My husband keeps telling me that we’re over and that it’s too late to do anything to save this marriage. Yesterday, he told me that he was moving on and that I should do the same thing. But I’m not sure how I can do this when it’s never going to be over for me. What can I do?”

    The common denominator in all of these questions and comments is that what the person asking really wants to know is when is it too late to save your marriage. Do you reach that “too late” point when your spouse tells you they have moved on? Do you have to take their word for it?

    Of course, I can’t definitively answer these questions for anyone because the answer depends on the specific people involved and the situation that they are in. But, I can offer you a perspective from my experiences and observations, which I’ll do in the following article.

    Sometimes, Couples Do Reconcile After One Of Them Has “Moved On”: If there’s anything that I know for sure in this situation, it’s that it is possible for things to change. Feelings change. Perceptions change. Situations change also. Just because someone is proclaiming or insisting something today, this doesn’t mean that they can’t do a complete about face tomorrow.

    I have seen divorced couples reconcile. I’ve seen couples who have been remarried to other people (sometimes for decent periods of time) decide to get back together. This doesn’t happen in every case, of course. But it most certainly can happen. Sometimes, there’s a change in circumstances which bring about a change of feelings. Other times, it happens spontaneously. But, much of the time, it’s part of a master plan meant to bring about small, gradual, and yet dramatic changes.

    Why Hanging On Too Tightly Can Sometimes Backfire: Wives in this situation often tell me that they just can not accept that it’s over or that he has moved on. I do understand this as I was in these shoes and I know how frustrating and painful this whole process can be. However, I can also tell you that I hear from husbands in this situation too and it’s my experience and opinion that clinging too tightly or “refusing” to accept what he’s telling you will often make him feel less loving or receptive toward you rather than more so.

    I know that it can be difficult to take step back or to pause when you’re so afraid that the second you do, he really will be gone. But sometimes, you just have to ask yourself if clinging so tightly has been working for you. Take a long look to see if your previous methods have really gained you anything.

    Sometimes, if you are honest and can maintain a little distance, you can see that actually, you’ve only been making things worse. It’s really important to ask yourself if the attempts you’ve been making have been bringing him closer to you or improving things or if they’ve been pushing him further away and deteriorating things. If this is the case, sometimes, you come to realize that trying something new isn’t as risky as it may have first appeared.

    Backing Off Or Taking Pause Is Not The Same As your Moving On: I sometimes have wives tell me things like: “maybe he’s moved on, but I will never be able to. I just can’t give up on our marriage or let go no matter what he says.” Another example is: “his moving on doesn’t mean that I have to.” All of these points are valid, but nothing says that you have to broadcast this to him. Because, when you’re asserting that you are absolutely not going to move on, then sometimes he will come to oppose you even more and think that he needs to ratchet up his efforts to change your mind. This of course, makes him move further away from you.

    So, there are times when you are better off just telling yourself that, although you know full well how you feel, you’re no longer going to keep repeating this to him when he already knows it anyway. There’s nothing wrong with appearing to back off when you know all along that your plan is to gain some ground. And, sometimes you need a pause to gain some perspective and calm.

    Taking time for yourself and taking a break from all of the drama can sometimes actually improve the situation. And sometimes, when you are suddenly silent or absent, your husband suddenly becomes interested again. This is what happened in my case, although it wasn’t by design.

    No matter which way you chose to go, it’s my experience that you are almost always better off if you are able to maintain your respect and dignity. You want to portray yourself in the strongest way possible and this often requires you to act “as if” when you just aren’t feeling it or aren’t all that confident. Sometimes, it helps to remember the person your husband loved once upon a time and to show him that person when the opportunity genuinely presents itself.

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    Source by Leslie Cane

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  • Saving a Long Distance Relationship: How Do You Know When It’s Heading For The Rocks?

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    When you or your significant other are forced to move away for whatever reason, the necessity of saving a long distance relationship is the last thing on your mind. However, the chances are that neither of you has any real idea how to make your long distance relationship work.

    Initially you’re both head over heels in love and, while you’re sad at the idea of being apart, you’re both determined that nothing will stop you from being together. You make all the usual promises to each other and for a while things are great. The problem is that in all probability you never got down to the nitty gritty reality of what it would actually be like to be hundreds or even thousands of miles apart, so you’re not prepared for the loneliness that inevitably comes as part of a long distance relationship package.

    The initial elation and determination to be together no matter what begins to fade slowly and inevitably, and that’s usually when the insecurities start to set in.

    You begin wondering what your partner’s up to. Perhaps they don’t appear to be missing you as much as you’re missing them; maybe they’re not available to talk when you need to. If you’re the one left behind you have the added knowledge that your lover has started a new job and of course you imagine them meeting lots of new people and having a really exciting time. Of course it’s not always the person left behind who has the problems. In your relationship, maybe you’re the one starting the new job and you don’t know anybody. Perhaps you think of your partner back at home surrounded by friends and family and you wonder if they are missing you like you’re missing them, or even if they’re thinking of you at all. But whatever your situation, that feeling of insecurity is horrible and so soul destroying.

    You want to talk to your partner but you’re struggling to communicate because you’re frightened of the potential fall-out; that if your lover knew how you really felt, then your relationship would end. At this point, saving a long distance relationship is still not on your mind because the chances are that you are burying your head firmly in the sand, not realizing that by not talking to each other, your relationship is heading inexorably to the rocks.

    Eventually loneliness gives way to frustration. You’re not getting what you want out of the relationship so you start to become resentful. Very often at this point it becomes all about you – what your lover wants doesn’t seem to matter.

    Slowly frustration begins to turn to anger. Everyone around you seems to be in a relationship in which they’re surgically glued to one another’s side. Your friends and family thinks you’re crazy and give you all kinds of well meaning advice; unfortunately, it’s mostly negative and probably doesn’t involve actually saving a long distance relationship!

    Whether you recognize it or not, you are now both firmly at the point of desperately needing to save your long distance relationship and, if neither of you take action, you begin to lose all sense of actually being in a relationship at all and drift towards the final stage in any long distance relationship break down – detachment.

    One or both of you allow the resentment and frustration to get the better of you and slowly begin to withdraw into yourself. Your communication dwindles to almost non-existent and when you do speak, neither of you have anything to say.

    Maybe at this point saving a long distance relationship seems almost impossible with everything seemingly working against you, but before you get on the phone and end it all, I want to say one final thing: It doesn’t have to be like that!

    Ask yourselves this question: Do you and your partner love each other? If the answer to that question is ‘yes’ then, believe me you can save your long distance relationship.

    If the love is still there underneath all of the crap that has gotten in the way, you really can halt the slide and pull it back together. Distance doesn’t have to be a deal breaker and you don’t have to be in the same room to share that special intimacy.

    It won’t happen overnight, but if you’re both truly prepared to work at it, you won’t only be saving a long distance relationship but making it better than you ever thought possible.

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    Source by Beverley Watts

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