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  • Addiction To Unrequited Love

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    The Torchbearer – S/he will love me one day

    It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on. If it wasn’t an issue of childhood environment, then possibly some sort of other trauma occurred to upset the torchbearer’s self-esteem and their ability to feel safe receiving love. It can also result from a sudden and unexpected separation, betrayal, health, or appearance issue.

    At an existential level, the torchbearer may have developed a belief that they are not worthy of love and they may find themselves attracted to love situations that seem to keep them stuck in this dynamic: loving someone, but not able to fully receive love back. Although the person feels unworthy of love on some level, often they know they are worthy on another level, which the torchbearer then may become confused as to why they stay addicted to an unavailable person. The relationship then becomes about fantasy, idealization, avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and disapproves of the object of their devotion.

    According to love addiction expert Susan Peabody, the main categories of love addictions include:

    • obsessed love addicts: obsess and can’t let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
    • codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
    • narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can’t let go
    • ambivalent love addicts: this category includes unrequited love addicts (also known as “torch-bearers”), saboteurs, seductive withholders, and romance addicts. The main goal through this kind of love addiction is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection, but are afraid to get too close at the same time.

    Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”. Her book “Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships,” is an amazing book for anyone wishing to learn more about love addiction.

    To be an ambivalent love addict, or torchbearer, means that one deeply craves love, intimacy, commitment, and unconditional love. However, at the same time, one has fears of relating deeply to another person. Such love addicts can end up pushing love away or holding it at a distance. Subconsciously, it can feel much safer for these individuals to love someone who isn’t fully there or who doesn’t want a full-on commitment. Picking an individual who is married, committed to another, distant, a player, a saboteur, or a sex addict may act to help the torchbearer avoid a true relationship. Some torchbearers end up addicted to friends or colleagues and hope the relationship will become something more.

    With many of the torchbearers that I have read, I find there is usually an excuse to continue chasing the love interest. However, there is also always a counterproductive excuse for never letting the love interest know their real feelings. It is even possible that if the object of infatuation actually returned affection or expressed desire for commitment towards the love addict, the love addict might not crave the interest anymore. One popular excuse that I have heard reads something like: “getting what I wanted or asked for took too long, therefore I no longer trust the love interest anymore, so I no longer want a relationship.” Once the love interest gives up, separation anxiety sets in again. Why does this occur? An illusion has been broken and the person idolized has become more human and less of a challenge to the ego.

    The torchbearer runs the risk that even if they obtain the object of their desire they may not achieve the closeness or intimacy they desire unless they change why they were addicted in the first place. Sometimes the addiction simply changes. An addict may transform from a torchbearer into a seductive withholder. They can even start becoming a codependent love addict if the once unrequited love relationship begins to become real.

    So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love?

    What are the symptoms? The symptoms listed below are not comprehensive, but ones I typically see with clients (usually women):

    • Do you obsess over or find yourself only attracted to love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are “just friends,” or have left you?
    • Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection or to keep the fantasy going? Or do you find yourself communicating but unable to accept a lack of response or a non-commital response without hoping if you wait long enough you will be wholly wanted?
    • Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesn’t really know? Some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests opening and ardently, but others can hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to nor let themselves be revealed in any real way.
    • Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and to just know and interpret your feelings and needs, even though there has been no grounded communication? Are you living out your relationship psychically or vicariously through “signs” or empathic feelings that the other person may be thinking about you, even if there is no contact?
    • Do you find yourself always hoping and waiting for the other person to make an interest in you known?
    • Can you never feel “close” in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
    • Are you always living out the relationship in your head?
    • Are you continually asking yourself many questions, wondering about the other person feelings and intentions (or potential future intentions) without ever grounding anything to test to see if any fantasies are real?
    • Do you have other addictions, such as to sex, psychics, alcohol etc?
    • Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
    • Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive? In the end, are you losing more than you gain?
    • Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or someone else influential in your earlier life?
    • For those with less intense expressions of this addiction: are you confused why you only seem to attract or are attracted to unavailable people or people who are not 100% wanting a relationship? And with this, do you feel bored with people who are into you or once a relationship starts to develop? Does it seem that all the people who would be right and loving towards you, you cannot “fall in love” with?

    If you have an “interest” that you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection, then you might be addicted to unrequited love. You may also be addicted if there is an underlying knowledge that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate. I’ve talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests, sometimes even sexually. But, usually they know on some level there are certain things they cannot ask/dare put forward cause the relationship is casual though they want something more. Though the “craving” is not always required, this article is mostly written for the hard core unrequited love addict.

    Here is an example of one kind of non-communicative unrequited love addict who does have some relationship and interaction with her love interest:

    A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet and there is some flirting — the man seems interested to the woman. Information is exchanged followed by mixed signals that mark the relationship. The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won’t make a clear move and the woman ends up doing most of the contacting to keep interaction ongoing. The woman acts casual because she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest, but it’s kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she starts thinking “Does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a friend?” Despite feeling a sense of unknowing and distress, the woman will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to forget about the man, but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.

    The man is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full-on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared, can’t communicate or is insecure. She fantasizes that he will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders, “should I say something or make a move”, but something inside is telling her it’s not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page, so she withholds keeps holding a torch for this person. She finds out the man has started to pursue someone else and she feels upset and feels betrayed. But, still, she has never had clear indication they are in a “relationship.”

    In the worst cases of unrequited love addiction I have seen, the client is addicted to psychics, using spell casters to cast spells to make their love more available, or are even asking for healing sessions on the person they are addicted to hoping healing something in their love interest will change the reality of what is going on.

    What Can You Do If This Sounds Like You?

    Often, I see two main themes running in these relationships: fear of true communication (or fear of accepting a communication or lack there of), and fear of vulnerability & rejection. Many times I also recommend torchbearers learn how to set boundaries and how to respect others boundaries. If the torchbearer is holding on waiting for a “sign” or demonstration from the love object, afraid of giving up, learning communication would help with getting out of fantasizing a relationship and making it more real. In the least, the torchbearer can get closure, if the love addict’s desires are not reciprocated.

    Getting closure isn’t always an easy thing for a love addict. It is often considered to be a harsh rejection. Many frightened unrequited love addicts wish to avoid being hurt at all costs. However, with this cost, these love addicts avoid true intimacy and relationships.

    Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that expressing feelings or needs is a burden on others, a sign of weakness, inferiority or something to be afraid of. Codependent types are afraid to cause any sort of confrontation or rejection for themselves. However, the only way out is through. The crux is that this dynamic is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and this continues the cycle of avoiding true commitment, intimacy and bonding.

    Step 1: Communication With Yourself

    The first step is for the torchbearers to ask themselves what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to? This step may be one of the hardest. The unrequited love addict may be so used to avoiding confrontation that asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange. Torchbearers ask themselves “How do I get someone who doesn’t care to do so? How can I be better? More lovable?” Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem either. It may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pining after the loss. They may remain stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconciliation.

    Step 2: Communication With Your Love Interest

    If communication is possible to ask for closure, this is the next step. I recommend asking in direct ways and not just looking for “signs.” State what you want out of love and a relationship, and ask the object of your affection if they feel they will ever be able to give it. Risk hearing the truth and risk rejection. This helps break the fantasy and though may be incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addiction is the belief that without love one is nothing. If one can risk losing love and still see themselves as whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can complement, rather than feeling another will complete them.

    Fear of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation needs to be challenged. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or trauma junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too.

    Taking on the challenge of learning to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to another’s – which this might be the real fear) may seem overwhelming. But, it is the only way out. All of this should be targeted, in addition to working on childhood issues, which implanted some of these fears and patterns.

    Step 3: Accepting What Is Communicated Back or Any Lack Of A Response

    Sometimes, the love addict at this stage may have been totally clear with their love interest what they want and they still feeling or receiving mixed signals. The person of their infatuation may be ambivalent, stringing them along, or afraid to just be honest and give them the closure they need. Sometimes there may be a lack of response — ie: an email is sent to the love object who appears to be avoiding sending a response back. In these cases, aim for setting a boundary for yourself on how long you will wait for what you need and stick to it. Be willing to recognize when you need to either end a relationship or at least bring it down to a more casual and detached level while you pursue other options.

    For those who find they are always making clear what they want and are still waiting to receive it or feeling unheard, the lesson may be in knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they will not be met or cared for. Just affirm to yourself as much as you can that you can and are willing to find someone who can meet your wants and needs.

    Step 4: Changing and Challenging One’s Views on Love

    I also recommend changing how one views love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding and holding on. It is focused on fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings. Many love addicts actually fool themselves into thinking their co-dependence is proof that they are being more loving than anything else. However, love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. Love is not manipulative, wanting to change people or situations or waiting for such situations or people to change.

    Love is not about being a martyr either. If you can’t take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs, or accept or listen when they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care and listen concerning your own wants and needs?

    Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state their wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is the torchbearer is always stating needs and boundaries and they are not listening to what is being conveyed back. They keep hoping the love object will change, mature, or outgrow his detached stance.

    A Few Self-Help Healing Tools

    While one can always benefit from professional therapies, coaching, and alternative healing sessions geared towards transmuting thought patterns, there are a few healing tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions (feel free to look for others as I only mention a few here).

    If one has ever used “flower essences” before (a form of homeopathy), Australian Bush Flower Essences (www.abfeusa.com for more information) has a “Relationship Essence” which contains the following:

    • Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
    • Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can’t survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
    • Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
    • Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
    • Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
    • Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
    • Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
    • Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.

    A book I highly recommend is Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).

    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is another tool that can help with love addictions. EFT can be easy to learn for free from demonstrations on YouTube or free downloads on various sites.

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    Source by Mandy Peterson

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  • Business Ethics for the Mindful Dance Professional

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    Once upon a time, a dance teacher opened her own studio down the road from her former employer’s school, taking advantage of her former teaching position to start her own studio. Sound familiar? This is an all too common story in the dance studio business and unfortunately, this is no fairy-tale.

    We have all heard a version of this story or perhaps experienced it first-hand. Poaching students–direct or indirect solicitation of another’s students–is a practice that mindlessly fragments and divides the dance community. In addition to poaching students, other subtle, but just as divisive, practices include: making negative remarks about other teachers/schools, misrepresentation of the self by making false, exaggerated, or ambiguous claims, and making disparaging comparisons or references about others.

    What drives otherwise enterprising individuals to engage in business practices that burn bridges, sow the seeds of deceit, and model mindless behavior?

    Darwin. You heard me–Darwin is to blame. Well, not really Darwin himself, but the misinterpretation of his theories into a business context is at the root of this dilemma. When the business world adopted the neo-Darwinian philosophy of “survival of the fittest”, they unleashed a ready-made excuse for unethical action.

    As a culture that witnessed the “cola wars” first hand, we picked up the idea that anything goes when it comes to business and marketing. Ethics and morals need not apply. “That’s business” they say while defending their actions. They fail to see the big picture: to look mindfully at the situation. They unknowingly hurt the larger dance profession and therefore themselves. It is a case of one’s right hand shooting one’s left and thinking this is good.

    What makes one feel justified in approaching the business of dance studios in this mindless manner?

    At the root of the neo-Darwinian business approach is a sense of isolation and scarcity. These teachers believe that it is “them against the world”–or, more directly, “them against the other local studios/teachers.” Add to this sense of isolation a sense of scarcity–that there are not enough students to go around–and you start to understand how one begins to rationalize why stealing students is necessary for survival. However, these twin concepts–isolation and scarcity–are illusions in the dance world.

    Studios fighting over the same group of students create a negative atmosphere in the community. Parents sense this negativity and choose alternative activities for their children because they seem more wholesome: the potential young dancer takes up soccer. However, in a community where more than one dance school thrives without negativity, a greater number of students enjoy dance as an activity. This greater number of students translates down the road into a greater number of future dancers, dance teachers, and, most importantly, audience members. If dance studios stopped seeing each other so much as competitors and more as colleagues, the entire dance profession would benefit.

    The solution starts as simply as making replacements: replacing mindless competition with mindful collegiality, mindless isolation with mindful interconnectedness, and mindless scarcity with mindful abundance. We must realize that the dance profession, from the smallest recreational dance class to the largest professional company, is interconnected. The entire web of the dance world is vitally linked.

    For example, the dance community is rather small in comparison with the larger world of sports. There are many more children participating in sports than the arts. Rather than interpreting this as a reason to fight for resources, we should embrace a sense of abundance. There are more than enough potential students out there to sustain every school if we focus on bringing more students into dance rather than fighting over those already there. It is to the benefit of the dance profession at every level to include more of the non-dance world inside our walls rather than put up walls within our own.

    So, how can we begin to break down the twin illusions of isolation and scarcity in the dance studio world and open our eyes to interconnectedness and abundance?

    We need to base our actions and practices on ideals that reflect the dance world as a healthy and vibrant community rather than a dire and hopeless one that lends itself to mindless behavior. Adopting a code of ethics that reinforces a mindful and wholesome outlook will not just serve as guidelines, but also help promote a positive environment for those whom they effect.

    Going forward, we all need to embrace a code of ethics that addresses these issues. The following list is nowhere near complete, but it is a place to start.

    Business Ethics for the Mindful Dance Professional

    In all professional and business relations, the dance professional shall exhibit respect, honesty, and integrity for themselves, clients, and colleagues.

    A. Respect

    A dance professional shall refrain from making negative remarks that may discredit, malign, or in any way cast reflection on the professional standing of another school/studio or teacher.

    A dance professional shall refrain from making any disparaging references to, or disparaging comparisons with, the services of others

    A dance professional shall refrain from publishing, or causing to be published, any notice, newspaper advertisement, or any other matter likely to damage or depreciate the reputation of any colleague.

    B. Honesty

    A dance professional shall accurately portray his or her qualifications or affiliations to the public especially in advertising material and avoid any ambiguity or exaggeration.

    A dance professional shall refrain from portraying his or her qualifications or affiliations to the public in a way intended to deceive the uninitiated. For example: having danced a child role in the Nutcracker with a professional company and listing it as to portray having danced professionally with the company.

    C. Integrity

    A dance professional shall refrain from directly soliciting business from another teacher or studio by approaching, in any manner the pupil, pupils or employees of another teacher and, for any reason at all, to try to induce them to join his/her school.

    A dance professional shall refrain from indirectly soliciting business from another teacher or studio by making adverse criticism against other teachers’ methods, by offering free coaching, by citing the advantages to be gained by the pupil from the change (e.g. offering roles/parts), or other similar methods.

    With each of us taking responsibility for our own actions by embracing a mindful ethical base, we can co-create a healthier, connected, and abundant environment in the business of dance schools. Moreover, with all we have in common, we might just discover we make better friends than enemies.

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    Source by James Robey

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  • Heal Your Sexual Abuse Issues

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    Have you ever experienced sexual abuse? Do you know that the negative experience you had may still be affecting you in the present?

    In my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I discovered that many women, and even some men, experienced sexual abuse. As I counseled the clients, they became aware of the negative decisions they had made from their sexual exploitation. In fact, many years later those painful thoughts were still affecting their lives in negative ways.

    Some of the symptoms that it still influenced their lives were low self-esteem, avoiding dating, struggling in their relationships, not enjoying their sexuality, hiding their physical beauty, shyness, and doing everything to please others.

    I included 14 hurtful thoughts that caused the above symptoms that I heard from many of the clients of all ages. Can you relate to any of them?

    14 Negative decisions based on sexual abuse include:

    1) I feel shame.

    2) I am bad and dirty.

    3) I am not safe in the world.

    4) I can’t trust men not to hurt me.

    5) My parent or parents betrayed me because they did not protect me.

    6) I can’t trust people I love to be there for me.

    7) I should have stopped it.

    8) Sex is painful, dirty and wrong.

    9) Men want me only for my body.

    10) I feel guilty because it felt good.

    11) I feel different than others; I am an outsider.

    12) I have to hide my secret so people do not judge me.

    13) I have to do what others want me to or I am not safe or loved.

    14) It is not safe for me to get attention from men.

    For example, Susan was molested by her father. As a result, she hated men and that affected all her relationships with the opposite sex. She also was very cute, free- spirited and loving as a child and that is when her father started to molest her. Her decision was many of the above negative beliefs, as well as it is not safe to be free, happy and shine. She just did what people wanted to stay safe. Her self-esteem was very low and that affected her social interactions and professional success. To stuff her pain, she overate and was obese.

    Her mother knew but did nothing to protect Susan. (Mothers often cannot deal with the rejection so they deny it, and may also be afraid of their partners.) To help Susan, I suggested that she imagine her mother in front of her and say, “You did the best you could with the information you had, I forgive you.”

    Then I helped Susan release the other negative thoughts based on her negative experiences, and she felt much better, began speaking up for herself, and her relationship improved.

    By the way, sexual abuse is one major cause of weight issues. Nancy told me that whenever she was thin, men made sexual comments and she did not feel safe. The weight is her wall of protection. “Helene, she said, “I have to make myself unattractive with my unattractive hairstyle, baggy clothes, and fat, for the men to leave me alone!”

    Can you relate to Susan or Nancy? If you do, it would be very beneficial to release those hurtful decisions, so that you can enjoy a healthy and happy life.

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    Source by Helene Rothschild

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  • The Catcher in the Rye: Mental Health Services and Social Connections for Children

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    The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger, was required reading for my tenth grade English class. I remembered it as a story about the struggles of adolescence, the yearning for independence, and the reluctance to let go of youth. My son is now about the same age as I was when I read the book and we are living through his own nudge for independence, which sparked my interest to give the story another read. Before I began, I wondered what my take on the book would be at this point in life having survived adolescence and received training and experience in child development in addition to having a teen in the house. This reading accentuated the unresolved grief, family dysfunction, mental illness, and lack of social connectedness of the main character, Holden Caulfield, and how these difficulties exacerbate the issues experienced during the typical maturational process. As the country still debates gun control laws in the aftermath of Sandy Hook, and as we try to recover from the Boston Marathon bombing, The Catcher in the Rye reminds us about the importance of developing meaningful and genuine connections with our children and the need to address their mental health issues.

    The Catcher in the Rye begins as a flashback story about Holden Caulfield’s experiences leading up to his nervous breakdown prior to Christmas. Holden narrates the story while receiving inpatient psychological treatment on the west coast. The events begin at Pencey Prep in Pennsylvania, where Holden has been expelled due to poor academic performance, and conclude in New York City as Holden attempts to return home. During the course of his journey, Holden attempts to make connections with a number of people however, he fails miserably due to his social ineptitude, lack of appropriate treatment for what may possibly be bipolar disorder, and inability to believe that other people are capable of being genuine. Holden eventually makes it home and connects with his younger sister. By that time he has decompensated to the point that, even though he is no longer experiencing suicidal ideations, he feels disconnected, misunderstood, and alone. Holden decides that he is going to go away, to escape from society and the rejection, the loneliness, and the pain that he feels. However, Holden makes one last trip to see his sister Phoebe before he disappears. Phoebe’s caring, anger, and innocence provide Holden with the connection he is looking for; she is both a peer and dependent to him. Through Phoebe, Holden is able to cling to his childhood and put off making the leap to young adulthood and independence.

    One theme that I was more attuned to during this reading was the unspoken dysfunction of the Caulfield family. Holden frequently compares himself to his younger, deceased brother, whom he describes as brilliant and athletic, as well as his older brother, who has become a successful author. It is suggested that Holden is a challenging child, and somewhat of a disappointment to his parents as he has been unable to live up to their expectations. He has been expelled from at least four preparatory schools due to poor academic performance, he has difficulty socially connecting with others, and he has frequent mood swings. It is possible that Holden’s parents were drained from watching their youngest son battle with leukemia which left them with little strength to effectively deal with Holden’s grief and potential disability. In Holden’s eyes, they appear to have emotionally and physically divested themselves from him. He has little to no emotional family support and what appears to be very little communication with them. Holden is left adrift to navigate this tumultuous time in his life without support, understanding, and treatment. His efforts to reach out and communicate, including failing out of schools and getting into fights, are not understood as cries for help but are seen as personal shortcomings.

    Holden perceives most people as being phony, superficial, and hypercritical. This may in part be due to his social awkwardness, lack of maturity, and feeling of being abandoned by his parents. He is continuously let down by everyone that he reaches out to for help as they either don’t live up to what Holden has built up in his mind, or they try to take advantage of him. Therefore, Holden comes to believe that everyone is phony who doesn’t or is incapable of meeting his preconceived expectations. In addition, Holden clearly experiences moments of mania during the story, which are often followed by feelings of sadness to the point where he does express some suicidal thoughts. It seems that the lack of communication with his parents, the unresolved grief and guilt over the death of his brother, and the inability to effectively and appropriately connect with others result in Holden being unable to interact with others on anything but a superficial level. The exception to this is Phoebe. Her reluctance to let her brother leave provides Holden with the strength to go home and ask for help. However, in the end, Holden continues to suffer from a lack of love and feelings of loneliness. He states, “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.” At this point, Holden continues to find it difficult to have genuine, meaningful relationships believing that when you open up to people that they will turn away from you in order to keep the relationship on a superficial level. Holden continues to be plagued by this emotional void and, while there is a hunger for social connectedness, he will continue to experience emptiness and rejection due to his quirkiness.

    For me, reading The Catcher in the Rye in high school highlighted the struggle for independence and Holden’s war on hypocrisy. On this reading, I was able to obtain a better understanding of the tragedy that occurs as a result of Holden’s parents being unable to provide him the emotional support that he needs to overcome his brother’s death and deal with his mental health needs. Holden’s repeated failure to socially connect and develop a meaningful relationship with anyone other than his sister and the lack of treatment for his mental health issues made me think of the recent tragedies in Colorado, Sandy Hook, and Boston. It reinforced the need to take mental health needs and services seriously; just because these conditions are unseen doesn’t mean that they aren’t debilitating. Feeling cared for and connected to others reduces the stress, stigma, and isolation that are associated with these conditions. It made me wonder whether these tragedies could have been avoided if the people involved had received appropriate therapy and treatment. They may have felt connected and accepted, and these tragedies may have been avoided. The message of being accepted and cared for from The Catcher in the Rye continues to be relevant to young people today as we all strive for acceptance.

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    Source by David Pino

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  • Categories of Ethical Dilemmas in Business

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    First published in Exchange, the magazine of the Brigham Young University School of Business, the following twelve categories were developed to cover the root or cause of most ethical business dilemmas that one might encounter in their jobs. I have summarized them to keep them short and simple.

    1. Taking Things That Don’t Belong To You

    Everything from taking highlighters from the storage room, to sending personal mail through the mailroom, to downloading unauthorized games to play on your work computer fall into this category. A CFO of a major corporation took a cab from the airport to his home in the city. When he asked the cabbie for receipt, he was handed a full book of blank receipts. Apparently this dilemma of accurately reporting business expenses involves more than just one employee.

    2. Saying Things That You Know Are Not True

    When a car salesperson insists to a customer that a used car has not been in a previous accident, when it has, an ethical breach has occurred. When a clerk in a store assures a customer that a product has a money-back guarantee, when only trade-ins are allowed, another ethical violation occurred (and perhaps a violation of the law).

    3. Giving Or Allowing False Impressions

    There is an urban legend in which 2 CD’s were being sold on a TV infomercial that claimed that that all the hits of the 1980’s were on the CDs. The infomercial emphasized over and over again that all songs were performed by the original artists. When they received the CDs, upon closer inspection, they found that all songs had been covered by a band called The Original Artists. While technically true, the impression given by the infomercial was false.

    4. Buying Influence or Engaging in Conflict of Interest

    When a company awards a construction contract to an organization owned by the brother of the attorney general, or when a county committee who is charged with choosing a new road construction company is traveling around the state looking at roads at the expense of one of the bidders, a conflict of interest arises which might affect the results of that choice.

    5. Hiding or Divulging Information

    Failing to divulge information from the results of a study on the safety of a new product, or choosing to take your companies proprietary product information to a new job are examples that fall into this category.

    6. Taking Unfair Advantage

    Have you ever wondered why there seem to be so many product safety rules and procedures? It is primarily the result of laws passed by government institutions to protect the consumer from companies that previously took unfair advantage of them because of their lack of knowledge or through complex contractual obligations.

    7. Committing Acts of Personal Decadence

    Over time, it has become increasing clear that the acts of employees outside of work can have a negative effect on a businesses image. This is one of the primary reasons companies are minimizing social interactions or events, outside of the office, so that drug or alcohol related events can not be tracked back to the company.

    8. Perpetuating Interpersonal Abuse

    At the heart of this category of ethical misbehavior is the abuse of employees through sexual harassment, verbal lashing, or public humiliation by a company leader.

    9. Permitting Organizational Abuse

    When an organization chooses to operate in another country, it sometimes butts up against social culture in which child labor, demeaning work environments or excessive hours are required. It is at this point that the leaders of the company have a choice…whether to perpetuate that abuse or alleviate it.

    10. Violating Rules

    In some cases, people or organizations violate rules to expedite a process or decision. In many of these cases, the results would have been the same regardless, but by violating the rules or required procedures for that outcome, they can potentially scar the reputation of the organization they work for.

    11. Condoning Unethical Actions

    Suppose you are at work one day and you notice that a colleague of yours is using petty cash for personal purchases and fail to report it. Perhaps you know that a new product in development has safety issues, but you don’t speak out. In these examples, failing to do right creates a wrong.

    12. Balancing Ethical Dilemmas

    What about a situation that would be considered neither right, nor wrong? What should be done here? Should Google or Microsoft do business in China when human rights violations are committed daily? Sometimes an organization must balance the need to do business with any ethical dilemmas that might arise from doing business.

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    Source by John Bascom

    Views: 0

  • Organic Farming: Key to Healthy Living?

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    What is organic farming? How it promotes healthy living? Organic farming is a form of agriculture that relies crop production on green manure, compost, and biological pest control instead of using pesticides and herbicides. Therefore such process can help individuals have a healthy lifestyle because of the absence of chemical content.

    These organic agricultural methods are internationally regulated and legally enforced by many nations. In our cooperative, all our suppliers’ farms are fair-trade and organically certified by an international certifying body. Fair-trade in the sense that we follow the international fair-trade protocol especially in terms of wage compliance requirements and child labor laws. Organic also because the only allowed fertilizer in our farms is SALT. It is based on minimal use of off-farm inputs and on management practices that restore, maintain and enhance ecological harmony.

    With the increasing environmental awareness of the general public here and abroad the originally supply-driven organic movement transforms into a demand-driven one. For coconut farmers, premium prices attracted farmers to convert their farms into organic.

    Organic farming methods is a mixture of scientific knowledge of ecology and modern technology because practices are based on naturally occurring biological processes. It is also concerned with protecting the environment and working in harmony with existing ecosystems, including conserving water, soil and energy, and using renewable resources and natural farming cycles.

    Moreover, organic foods are not necessarily completely chemical free. They may be grown on land not previously used for organic food production and, therefore, might contain chemical residues. However, the pesticide residues in organic food are considerably lower than those found in foods produced with synthetic chemicals.

    Most people buy organically-grown food products because they are concerned about pesticides, additives, antibiotics or other chemical residues. Although pesticide residues in fruit and vegetables are monitored, many people believe organic food is healthier. Some people worry about the long-term health, economic and environmental consequences of genetically manufactured foods and choose organic foods.

    Organic foods promote healthier and more sustainable use of natural resources. Modern farming methods, including excessive use of chemicals, have led to a decline in soil fertility, and an increase in salinity and blue-green algae in waterways over many years. Organic farmers try to minimize damage to the environment by using physical weed control, and animal and green manure.

    Organic food is often more expensive than conventionally-produced food because organic farming generally operates on a smaller scale. The production is more labor intensive and yields are generally smaller. It is a known fact that when you use herbicides and pesticides, you get high production.

    Despite this problem, when we patronize organic products, we have a guarantee that our lives would be healthier, safer and longer.

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    Source by Rosemarie Sumalinog Gonzales

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  • Finding Your Wealthy Place – Five Steps of Entering Your Wealthy Place

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    You can enter into your wealthy place. It is important however to indicate that such is not an overnight thing. It is a process. Never try to take shortcuts. The good news is that there are sure steps you can follow to reach your wealth place. They are described as follows:

    1. Know and Understand That There Is a Wealthy Place in God

    Not every believer knows that he or she has a wealthy place. That is the reason some believers do not bother working on becoming wealthy. They think having a job is enough. But having only a job cannot make you wealthy. You need to also do something apart from your job. Do business and or invest where you can make money. A paycheck normally meets life’s necessities. But you also have wants. What about them. You need abundance. If only your needs are met, how are you going to be a blessing to the nations (to others).

    “I will bless you and make your descendants into a great nation. You will become famous and be a blessing to others.

    I will bless anyone who blesses you, but I will put a curse on anyone who puts a curse on you. Everyone on earth will be blessed because of you.” (Genesis 12:2-4).

    Abraham was promised a blessing and becoming great if he obeyed. Guess what? He obeyed and was blessed to be a blessing. So shall you be blessed if only you will obey. Someone might say, “Ah! This was said to Abraham and his descendents i.e. his seed.” Just look at the following scripture:

    “So if you belong to Christ, you are now part of Abraham’s family, and you will be given what God has promised.” (Galatians 3:29 – Contemporary English Version). Other versions say we are Abraham’s seed. I hope you know the song, “Abraham’s blessings are mine.” We used to sing that song but I don’t hear much of it today. So we are saying you are blessed.

    If you have been praying and confessing but still broke, revisit the Word and see what God is saying about issues of money. There is a wealthy place. We read in Psalm 105:37, “He [the Lord] brought them forth also with silver and gold: and there was not one feeble person among their tribes.” Do you see the GREAT God we serve? He does not want us to go empty handed. He is a God of abundance. I hope you remember the Father who had two sons (parable of the prodigal son). In Luke 15:11-12, it is recorded, “And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.” A good Father has a portion for everyone of his sons. As sons of God, our Father has a portion for everyone of us. Find your wealthy place. It is your portion.

    2. Locate Wealth

    Maybe you are asking yourself, “What is the wealthy place?” This is a place of more than enough. Here are other lands:

    Land of “not enough”

    We have our excuses for dwelling in this land. Excuses like, “Brother, not everyone is supposed to be rich. So I am OK the way I am. I am fine.” Others say, “I don’t want much my sister. I love the Lord. I pray and read the Bible. I am satisfied with what I have.” But you see, these are all religious excuses. There is abundance. Most of us know this land. Many passed through it. It is a land of struggling in life.

    Then thine heart be lifted up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of THELAND OF EGYPT, from THE HOUSE OF BONDAGE. (Deuteronomy 8:14).

    It is time to come out of this land in Jesus Name. It does not glorify God in any way.

    The Land of ‘Just Enough’

    Most people in life park in the land of “just enough.”They are not trying to justify why they are here. They are satisfied with being here. They have just enough and are barely getting by. But they are satisfied. When you are satisfied you don’t fight for anything. You will not fight for your rights or try to have more. But this is not good enough child of God. It is true that God brings us to one land at a time. Why?

    “And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandment, or no.

    And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.” (Deuteronomy 8:2, 3).

    During the wilderness experience, the Israelites were allowed to have “just enough”. God fed them with manna for each day. They were not allowed to gather more. Some tried and the manna got rotten and infested with worms. They were still on their way to their “wealthy place”.

    Through the stages of our walk to the wealthy place there is a learning process. In the land of “not enough” you learn to depend on God for your needs (deliverance). Then in the land of “just enough” you learn that God can move you from one level to another. You need to demonstrate more trust on God. Furthermore, you learn to be trustworthy. God should trust you to be the guardian of His wealth. Some testing takes place. You must be seen to be faithful on the little so that much can be given to you.

    The Land of ‘More Than Enough’

    As children of God, we should all be headed to this land. The question is, “Why is it important to get into this land i.e. the wealthy place? This is because once you are in this land; you can help your neighbor. This is part of knowing and fulfilling your covenant. God said to Abraham, “… I will bless thee… and thou shalt be a blessing” (Gen. 12:2). In other words, God told Abraham, “I will bless you and your family so much that you will have to give some of your blessings away.”

    3. Be Willing to encounter obstacles and giants

    As you are willing to encounter obstacles and giants, withstand them using the Word of God. Many believers are not even willing to go into their wealthy place. They are not even thinking about it. Do you know why? It is because there are giants. Have you noted how difficult and challenging to get more money? The reason is that there are giants in the wealthy place. There has to be some fighting and perseverance to enter there.

    “And they [the twelve spies] told him [Moses], and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it.

    NEVERTHELESS the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great: and moreover we saw the children of Anak there.” (Number 13:27, 28).

    Not child of God that this was their wealthy place. God had given it to them. They were supposed to go and take it with God’s support. That is how some of us believers react to the promises of God. We have heard the promises given. But because of the obstacles and challenges, we end up not willing to go forward. We decide to settle for less. There will indeed be resistance. God wants to see us moving forward and then He will support us. Believe the Word and do it in Jesus Name.

    Have a good attitude towards the Word of God. Be willing to obey. Look at the attitude of a believer who trusts God:

    In Numbers 13:30, Caleb said, “… Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it.” Does it mean this believer didn’t see the giants? He saw them. But he saw God bigger than the giants. Now, who is magnified in your life? Is it God (His Word) or the giants? There is a wealthy place to be possessed. The other spies saw themselves as grasshoppers in the eyes of the giants except Joshua and Caleb. Guess what happened? Out of the generation that came out of Egypt, only Joshua and Caleb entered the “wealthy place”. Why? The believed and acted on the Word of God. Do you believe the Word? Are you going to act on it?

    4. Expand your capacity to receive Wealth

    In order to enter into your wealthy place, you need to cooperate with God. Have an excellent spirit like Joshua and Caleb. The reason why those who died in the wilderness without entering into the place of plenty is that they did not have the capacity to receive the wealthy land. Do not die in the wilderness. The place of “just enough” or place of “not enough”.

    Some way or another, if you are going to receive in life what God has for you, you are going to have to be willing to take a step forward in faith from the mess you are in, toward the promise of God. When you do, God will meet you there. If your faith is really in God and His Word, your faith will not be denied- not now, not ever!

    “If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land” (Isaiah 1:19). Allow God to enlarge you by the power of His Word and Spirit.

    5. Step Five: Take the limits off God

    If there is something that can hinder God’s full manifestation in our lives, it is our unbelief. Otherwise God is more than willing to take us to our wealthy place. He works in our lives to the extent that we believe and allow Him. He cannot force His way.

    “Yea, they TURNED BACK and TEMPTED GOD,and LIMITED THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL.” (Psalm 78:41).

    You are the only one that can limit God. After you have removed the limits, adjust your vision. God once told Abraham that as far as his eyes would see, that land He was going to give to him. You can receive only what you can see. It is all in the Word. The question is, “Can you see it with your physical eyes closed?”

    You remember Elisha’s servant Gehazi? When attacked by the Syrians he was afraid but Elisha told him not to. Why? There were angels all around them. Look at the following:

    “And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

    And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

    And Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha. (2 Kings 6:15-17).

    In the Name of Jesus Christ, I pray that your eyes may be opened and that you may see all that the Lord has prepared for you.

    Blessings in Jesus Name!

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    Source by Elphas Sipho Mdluli

    Views: 0

  • Just What Is An "Odd" Emotion?

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    While performing social media consulting work for a child psychologist, my eyes were drawn to a Psychology Today magazine sitting in the office lobby. The headline for the cover story read “Odd Emotions: Master The Feelings You Can’t Name.” The title alone was intriguing enough to stoke my interest because, well, I’m a “highly sensitive person” and I often experience emotions that I can’t quite name or explain.

    There Are Just No Adequate Words, Or Are There?

    So-o-o… not too long ago, I struggled with understanding some emotions that I can best describe as a ball of intertwined feelings occurring simultaneously. It felt like an explosive double roundhouse kick to the gut from Ronda Rousey that left me dazed, confused, hurt, angry, scared, humiliated, and traumatized.

    And those are just a few of the emotions that converged upon my spirit in one fell swoop. But the worst part was not being able to explain or comprehend the emotions, nor that no one else seemed to understand it, either.

    Fast forward to the other side of my multifarious emotions, I discover that these “odd” feelings really don’t have one name. When artist and writer John Koenig was not able to label his emotions of pending death, he just invented one, “moriturism,” and says “it [his emotions] felt somehow okay.”

    He then created a website that serves as a dictionary describing emotions that have no name using a combination of creativity, linguistic research, and etymology to assign a name and meaning. For instance, “exulansis,” he has determined is a noun which means “the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it-whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness-which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.”

    The word is a present verb from its Latin root exul, which means “to exile, banish.”

    Fluff or For Real?

    You may be wondering, if people really remember or use these words. Highly likely not, but psychologists suggest in the article that naming or labeling an emotion “might make it more manageable,” “allow us the opportunity to choose our response,” and “help to put a frame around more complex emotions.” I would agree with them, because I believe being able to name what I was previously feeling would have helped to redirect my energy because I spent a lot of time just processing my emotions and the experience.

    Others may see it as a pointless exercise that probably won’t be useful, but Koenig believes it helps individuals to understand that the same indescribable emotions they are feeling have been felt by others. The experience may also encourage the practice of honoring one’s sensitivity and personal emotions in a constructive manner. That’s a lot less exhausting than the alternative, which is running from or suppressing emotions in hopes of an exulansis.

    What do you think about “odd” emotions? Are there inventive words you’ve heard or used to describe an emotion or even an experience, whether good or bad?

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    Source by N. Ann Hall

    Views: 0

  • No More Rainy Days in Your Multi Level Marketing Business

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    Take away the rainy days in your multi level marketing business and replace them with a sunny sky. Life we ​​know is not easy but with a little changing of the mind, heart and soul. We can overcome the obstacles with ease and never have to deal with the same old rubbish again. Change is necessary to evolve to the next level in our professional and personal development. The multi level marketing industry is about change, everything from leadership to new products that hit the markets on a regular basis. Are you ready to change for the better?

    Take a moment with a cup of coffee in the morning and think about your self-confidence, self-esteem for a few minutes. Are they reflecting the spirit of the multi level marketing ideas? Sometimes our ungrateful spirit can harm us from achieving the level of success that we truly desire. The way we think about certain life aspects can be harmful to the way that we handle our multi level marketing business. The moods and lack of inner core traits can always be removed and exchanged for more of positive outlook. When we decide to be grateful about our business? We can learn to find new doors to open but this gratefulness needs to be genuine and not just a flux of relief.

    Gratefulness for the littlest things can be a real life changer. Learn to value others, do not judge or place a heavy load of expectation on them. The yoke could drag down your multi level marketing company. You are free to make any amends to your life or beliefs and it will take some work, there is no miracle potion to change them overnight. You can start learning to change them overnight and make the effort to find the little cobblestone pathway of happiness. What makes you happen? Is it the sound of change filling up your child's piggy bank? Perhaps filling exhausted after a long day of talking with prospects and closing out some deals.

    Find yourself a good starter edition book for those entering into the MLM industry and who could use a pre-course to training or after training support. There are definite skill sets that need to be balanced to help you remain rock steady in the multi level marketing business. Are you ready for a life-changing environment? This type of book will offer a basic insight to the human psyche and should be used to reinforce the training theories that your company has to offer.

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    Source by David L. Feinstein

    Views: 0

  • Finding Your Wealthy Place

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    How is your life today? Does it reflect that you are a child of God? Does it reflect the wealth of your heavenly Father? God said in Deuteronomy 28:3, “Blessed shalt thou be in the city, and blessed shalt thou be in the field.”

    There is what is called a wealthy place. God wants to bring you into your own wealthy place. Once you are in such a place you will not ask yourself if you have found it. You will experience it when you are in the city and when you are in the field. It works everywhere. It works in the city and in the field. In other words, whether you are a doctor, lawyer, school teacher, minister, business person, or you have some other vocation.

    Remember that yesterday we talked about leaving all for Jesus? You started coming out of the practices that God does not like. Why? God wants to take you into that place. You cannot win the world and win God’s Kingdom at the same time. One must drop. Genesis 12:1 says, “The LORD said to Abram: Leave your country, your family, and your relatives and go to the land that I will show you.” You are expected by God to leave certain practices in life. That will be your expression of faith in Him. That is what Abraham did. So forsaking certain things as you obey God will lead you to the place God destined for you.

    “Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: But thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.” (Psalms 66:12).

    You might have gone through the fire or water, but finally the Lord is bringing you into this wonderful place in Jesus Name. That is the place of plenty. It is God’s will that you come out of the tight spot financially. We do not serve a careless God. He does not take you out of Egypt and throw you into a wilderness and then leave you there to die. The wilderness is just a pathway to your wealthy place. So do not worry about what is happening in your life now. You are just passing through. Never think the wilderness is your destiny. Never think you should die there. No, No! Fix your eyes into your wealthy place. See God taking you through. Listen to Him. Obey Him.

    I believe the following verse in Psalms is a prophetic word to the Body of Christ for this hour concerning finances.

    Thou shalt arise, and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come. (Psalm 102:13). Note that Zion refers to the Church. God favors those who believe Him.

    When is the time to arise? The time is now. Do not stay in the wilderness till you die. If you have not yet found your wealthy place, arise now! Ask God to show you where or what is your wealthy place. He is a faithful God. He is always true to His Word. Therefore believe Him and act according to His instructions. He will speak to you in Jesus Name!

    Blessings!

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    Source by Elphas Sipho Mdluli

    Views: 0