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Tag: Cheating

  • How Should The Other Woman Proceed When The Wife Finds Out About The Affair?

    How Should The Other Woman Proceed When The Wife Finds Out About The Affair?

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    I sometimes hear from women who have been cheating with someone who is married. Some of the time, they truly believed that in due time, the man’s marriage was going to come to a natural and mutual end so that the two of them could be together. They wanted to believe that the marriage had grown stale so that both people would mutually agree to end the marriage. Once this happens, then that would free up the husband to pursue a new relationship.

    As we all know, this isn’t usually the way that it happens. Usually, the wife finds out about the affair and the marriage does not just end by both people mutually agreeing to it in a healthy way. The wife is usually hurt and angry and, believe it or not, the husband usually panics and immediately chases after his wife, suddenly afraid that he’s going to lose his family.

    Understandably, this can leave the other woman confused. This isn’t how things were presented to her. And where is she in all of this? You can see how she would feel left out in the cold and unsure about how to proceed. She might say: “I feel stupid admitting that I honestly thought I was going to live happily ever after with the man that I was dating. I knew that he was married, but he presented it to me like he was working on untangling himself from that. Still, he was always careful that his wife would not find out. But she did. And I was shocked when he immediately told me that he could not see me anymore and begged me not to make this harder than it already was. I’m very shocked by this. And I feel set aside and hurt. Now this guy and his wife are scrambling to save their family, but what about me? I feel like I need to do something. I feel like I am left out in the cold of all of this. I am tempted to try to contact his wife and plead my case. I want her to know that the husband represented to me that their marriage was over. I want for her to have all of the information so that she doesn’t think that her husband is loyal to her. And I want to see the other man and plead my case also. After all that we have been through, it is annoying that he is just going to walk away. What should I do right now?”

    Honestly, I am not sure that you are going to like my answer but it is heartfelt and is what I honestly feel and believe. I will admit that I have been the wife in this situation, but I’ve had friends in your situation and I hear from many on the other side of the equation. I can tell you that statistically, the husband and wife generally end up together. It may take a while. And there can definitely be some uncertainty, but statistics show us that it is much more likely for the husband to go back to his wife than to have a lasting relationship with the other person. You can check this for yourself, but that is what the statistics show. That is why I do not recommend that you reach out to either of them. It is only going to hurt, annoy, and frustrate everyone involved and the chances are high that it is not going to affect the outcome in the long run. You’ll only be causing pain to yourself, the husband, and the wife.

    I know that a big driving force for you right now is that you feel set aside and ignored. One reason for this is that it feels as if your course of action is set by someone else. Since the husband and wife have the marriage, they get to decide how things proceed, which can seem very unfair. So how do you get a sense of control back? By bowing out gracefully from this trio and focusing on yourself, your own well being, and your own happiness. Take control back of your own life. Ask yourself why you’d be vulnerable to settling for a man who couldn’t be solely yours. Fix your self esteem and then vow to only give your heart to men that are free to return your love and be yours alone. All women deserve nothing less. I know that this might not be what you wanted to hear, but I believe that it is the healthiest option. It gives you control of your life, it really is the right thing to do for all involved, and it doesn’t force you to go against the odds. Trying to hurt others usually ends up only hurting you. There’s more than enough hurt to go around right now, so you can never go wrong with focusing on your own healing instead.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

    Views: 0

  • Love Is Not

    Love Is Not

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    Valentine’s week is focused on multiple ways of showing others that one cares for or is in love with them. Hearts, flowers, candy and trinkets are given as symbols of devotion but not all are done with the right motives or with healthy commitment.

    We all think that we know what love is but then act in ways that do not match our words. Here are some of things to consider:

    Love is not:

    1. Giving someone everything that they want because by doing so you believe they will change for good. Frequently clients have told me that they felt giving money to wayward teens would encourage them to come home. Not! People usually do what they want and cannot be bribed or coerced into doing what others want.
    2. Ignoring issues and crossing fingers that they will resolve themselves. Not talking means not dealing with things and past behaviors are usually a predictor of future behaviours. Wishing and hoping isn’t the same as resolving.
    3. Accepting abusive behaviors. We teach people how to treat us. If you have been abused and you accept a hurried insincere apology you will likely become caught in a cycle of abuse followed by apology followed by abuse.
    4. Time served. Just because you have been in relationship with someone for a period of time doesn’t mean that you are healthy, safe or secure.
    5. Keeping secrets. The underlying foundation of trouble is built with dishonesty and hidden actions. If you need to keep something secret that means that deep down you already know that you are up to “no good”.
    6. Blaming others rather than facing your own failings. Most people do not want to look in a mirror that shows their own flaws. Instead they point the finger and distract the conversation by focusing on another person.
    7. Demanding information about private matters. When adult children want to know details about the will of their aging parents, they can present as entitled and inappropriate. An attitude of “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” can destroy relationships!
    8. Vengeance for past hurts or failures. Hurting others is not a good response for those who have been hurt. Focus on healing instead of on trying to get even.
    9. Enabling. There is a show on television that shows individuals who weigh over 600 pounds. Those who purchase the food for the one who becomes immobile or bed-ridden end up having to care for the obese person. When you enable someone, both of you pay a price for this.
    10. Playing games with emotions. Sweet talk, false promises and cheating can be very hurtful. Stop it!

    When it comes to being a Valentine it is important not just to think about the other person. Instead examine when and how you show your love. Are your words and actions healthy or are you in an acting role that considers only your own selfish needs and wants?

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    Source by Linda Hancock

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  • It Appears That My Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me After His Affair

    It Appears That My Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me After His Affair

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    I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated not only by their husband’s cheating or affair, but also by the loss of intimacy and physical contact. For whatever reason, sex has been taken off the table. So at a time when a wife is already hurt and confused, she’s now struggling with the fact that she can’t have the reassurance of being intimate. This leaves her wondering whether her husband is still attracted to her sexually and whether or not her marriage will be able to recover.

    She might say, “my husband had an affair about two months ago. At first, I would not even speak to him. Eventually, I allowed him to come and see the kids, and little by little, we began talking again. I can tell that he feels very guilty and embarrassed. He goes out of his way to be accommodating and kind to me. He has told me that although he’d like to stay married and that he would never cheat on me again, he can’t ask me to stay with him because he doesn’t know if he could stay with me if I cheated. He is basically saying that he wouldn’t blame me if I refused to take him back. I’ve told him that I’m going to take my time in making a decision. But up until this week, I truly was considering it. However, last weekend, the kids and I watched a movie with my husband and they fell asleep. My husband and I ended up talking and laughing. One thing lead to another and before long we were kissing. When things were about to get intimate, my husband pulled away and said ‘I just can’t have sex with you right now.’ I was stunned, so I asked, ‘you can’t or you won’t?’ He got up and said ‘I just can’t. I’m sorry.’ I have no idea what to make of this. I have tried to ask him about this, but he always changes the subject. Is he not attracted to me? Can he not physically complete the task because of the affair? I want to save my marriage, but I also want to have a healthy sex life again one day. Why would a man not be able to have sex with his wife after the affair?”

    I can’t speak for your husband, but I’d suspect that it wasn’t that he couldn’t have sex with you. I suspect that he could have completed the task if he had felt right about it. However, many men have quite a bit of guilt and shame after the affair. So they know that having sex again might create a good deal of awkwardness and negative feelings. On the one hand, they may very much want to have sex with you. But they are ashamed of this desire since they feel that they don’t have any right to ask this of you. Plus, they know that when you disrobe and begin to have sex, you might both be caught up in thoughts of him having sex with someone else, since that wound is so fresh. The thought of this might terrify him. And he might figure that it’s better to just wait to have sex than to try it now and have it be a disaster. Also, he may not want for it to look like he’s only interested in sex with you when he doesn’t really deserve it.

    I know that this is painful and may feel like a rejection, but let’s look at the facts. Your husband and yourself were having a nice, light-hearted time laughing together. He was clearly into it when he was kissing you. And then something changed. Since he’s told you that he’d like to save your marriage, I highly doubt that he’s not attracted to you. In fact, I’m sure it was tempting to have sex. However, he was probably trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing or awkward encounter. And perhaps he didn’t want for you to feel taken advantage of in the morning or he did not want for you to feel guilty.

    Many couples delay sex after an affair for a couple of different reasons. They want to make sure that it is the right time. They do not want to rush into it and potentially make bigger problems than they already had. Many know that if the sex was awkward and just not good then they would take that to mean that their marriage was doomed. So they wait until they are sure that it will be right, because they know that they are going to analyze it.

    Your husband could have the same thought process. He may want to wait until you’re both sure that it’s the right time. He may not want to look like the creep who is pressuring his wife to have sex after his affair. And he probably knows that you might both have thoughts of the affair during sex. All these reasons are why it can truly make sense to wait.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

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  • My Wife Accuses Me of Cheating and I’m Not! How to Calm Her Suspicions

    My Wife Accuses Me of Cheating and I’m Not! How to Calm Her Suspicions

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    You feel as though your wife is paranoid, don’t you? It’s hard not to given the fact that she’s constantly accusing you of cheating on her. You have virtually no idea why she’s so suspicious and even though you try hard to calm her fears because they’re baseless, she still goes on and on about how she’s certain you’re not being true to her. It’s incredibly frustrating to be in your position because you are forced to prove your innocence on a daily basis. Why is it that some women become so convinced that their husband is cheating, even when he’s not? Is there a way you can stop her from worrying so you two can just focus on how fulfilling and devoted your marriage really is?

    Before I delve further into how you can calm her suspicions, I’d like to address a possibility that you may never have entertained. Human psychology can be a very puzzling thing and there are often hidden clues in a person’s actions that we don’t ever recognize. Such is the case with a wife who accuses her husband of cheating even though he is completely and utterly devoted to her. Sometimes, when a person is being unfaithful, they will take to accusing their spouse of similar behavior. There are actually a couple of reasons why this happens.

    First, and foremost, if a wife is indeed being unfaithful she is conscious of having to cover up her infidelity. To that extent she’s going to be more aware when something seems not quite right with her husband. For instance, if you hide your cell phone away in your pocket when you’re home, she may notice that your behavior mirrors her own so she’s going to jump to the conclusion that you are also cheating. The other reason a wife will sometimes accuse her husband of adultery, when in fact she’s guilty of it, is just that. Her guilt is so much that she needs to find a way to displace it so she directs it towards her husband so as to take the bulk of the burden off herself.

    Please note that this is not always the case when a wife has become very accusatory. In most cases, it has nothing to do with the wife’s own devotion to the marriage, and it’s more much a self esteem related issue.

    Your wife may be overly suspicious of your connections with other women because she isn’t happy with who she is. This can occur after a woman has been married for a time and her husband just doesn’t put in the same effort to make her happy as he once did. It also tends to be a problem for women who aren’t happy with themselves in a physical sense. If your wife looks in the mirror and doesn’t find her own body appealing, she’s going to assume you feel much the same way about it.

    Calming these fears can be done but it does take time and patience. You must devote yourself to helping your wife embrace who she is, exactly as she is now. That means making more complimentary comments about how much you love and desire her. It means encouraging her to chase her own dreams and to do the things she finds fulfilling. You have to support your wife in every way imaginable. By doing this you’ll be showing her that you believe in her which in turn, will help her believe in herself more.

    It’s essential that you tell your wife how much you adore her on a regular basis. We all sometimes neglect our spouse, not out of intention, but merely out of circumstance. If your life has become very busy and you don’t spend as much time with your wife as you once did, change that now. Create more opportunities for the two of you to be together. Talk with her more, and more importantly, listen to her more. If she feels you are focused solely on her, she’s going to let go of any suspicions she may have had about you being involved with another woman.

    It’s also good to allow your wife unlimited access to your life and everything that entails. Leave your cell phone in full view, even when you’re out of the room. Don’t rush to answer calls in private. Also, invite her to visit you at your office whenever she wishes. If you show her you have nothing to hide, she’ll come to believe it.

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    Source by Gillian Reynolds

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  • VW strikes ‘dieselgate’ compensation deal with German consumers

    VW strikes ‘dieselgate’ compensation deal with German consumers

    An important chapter in Volkswagen’s years-long “dieselgate” emissions cheating saga appeared headed for a close Friday, as the German car giant agreed a compensation deal with domestic consumer groups.

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  • Will You Really Lose 23 Pounds in a 3 Week Period?

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    The three Week diet system has gained popularity inside a very short space of time. This program was only developed back in 2015. It has been is actually a weight reducing plan that aims to experience more positive results very rapidly. This healthy eating plan is made this means you lose weight quickly – between 12-20 lbs within only a 3 week period – provided that you follow the diet towards the letter.

    The majority of people who start healthy eating plan are basically not able to achieve their desired goal as they give up prior to discover the results they want. Diets which aim to reduce weight by two pounds every week are all thoroughly but my motivation, like my willpower, declines pretty rapidly unless I have a compelling an opportunity to meet your weight loss goals.

    I’m not alone. Dieting for weeks with limited results demotivates people and these people tend to stop trying. This was the reason that nutritionist Brian Flatt developed all three Week Diet; a system which caused your body to lose body fat rapidly and accelerated weightloss.

    Shedding any additional fat and after that keeping the momentum to sustain your weight can be difficult the three week diet manual not exclusively tells you what needs to be done for 21 days it also informs what needs to be done using the a three week period considering the diet in order to maintain your new weight.

    So how does the Week Diet Work?The main overwhelming comprehensive 3-week diet plan happens to be the healthier food plan which consists of 4 different phases.

    Phase 1 was the most difficult for me. It lasted and get a week and such was the phase in which I lost by far the most weight. I came to be 9 pounds lighter by the end of the week.

    Phase 2 was nearly 1 day however I also lost a pound this time

    Phase 3 was from day 9 till 11. This was rather unusual and I lost another 3 pounds.

    Phase 4 was when it comes to the remaining days i.e. 12 to 21. The main target associated with this 9 day phase would be to continue losing weight while returning to better “normal” diet. I came to be another four pounds down via the end of the phase. So less drastic, but effective none the less.

    As so many weight loss diet plans are, it has been both a diet and exercise program. The movement plan is comprised of a walk daily (not too strenuous!) and an optional workout which accelerates fat.

    Phase 1 of the three Week Healthy eating plan in Action

    There’s no getting away from it. Phase 1 was hard. It’s a 3 meals each day product of any accident diet. It’s heavily restrictive in the different kinds of food, and methods of cooking I was just free to eat. Fortunately you had include unlimited quantities of some vegetables, and so I was capable of submit upon them beyond the prescribed volumes of meat and fish.

    I weighed myself each day and I really found it motivating to get access to needle toward the scales creeping down. Finally it was a reliable job. I can’t deny that I had become hungry and slightly cranky until I started to drink coffee again!

    I also implement exercises. Again, not easy, but ticking from the days separately, truly understanding that finally it was only for a short time made the difference.

    At the end of phase 1 I was beside myself with delight to see that I’d broken all previous records and lost 9 whole pounds. I remember phase 1 of your eating routine, it felt nearly impossible that I would emotionally for your whole week without cheating – and OK, I conducted cheat little. But after getting through the initial week I soon became quite elated and far thinner.

    Phase 2

    Phase 2 is basically a one day fast. Following the restriction of a given previous week it looked like this is hard, but honestly, I was just shocked to locate this was one of the easiest days on the whole program. In my opinion pursuing the previous week to the letter had set me open to success. And again I was just delighted to become another pound lighter from the following morning.

    I’d seriously tell that whenever you purchase all three Week Diet regime book just don’t skip the fasting phase. There really is a rationale for your way the a nutritious diet is built and, much to my surprise, it certainly does work.

    Phase 3

    This phase lasts 4 days and is actually undoubtedly the most unusual and counter-intuitive. So much in fact that we began to research it myself for you be sure I came to be doing the right thing! Fortunately, I discovered that it also wasn’t as wacky when I thought and there was indeed some solid science behind this phase considering the plan.

    I went to the trouble of doing find this phase quite challenging since it was the very first where I’d was required to calculate the calories I was eating. I discovered that it’s fairly easy in order to get calories values away from the internet for almost any food you could think about and then it’s just a concern of using weighing scales (more accurate than cup measures) to make sure your serving sizes are correct.

    I didn’t lose particularly as much weight when I expected on this phase, but I think it was considering that I didn’t start weighing things so that the 3rd day when I found that my previous estimates of precisely how much I should eat were far off base.

    Still, another phase, another 1.5 pounds and it also is sure to have been more had I planned it properly.

    Phase 4 – The ultimate countdown.Phase 4 happens to be the longest phase and exists for 9 days. It involves a gradual return to more than normal healthy nutrition diet. Specifically how many calories you consume daily during this phase is based upon your whole body Mass Index or BMI. There’s a section among the manual which explains how to calculate this from your body fat and height then how you can work well what you require consume in accordance with the result.

    I continued takes into consideration myself each day plus the pounds did continue to drop – albeit at a slightly slower rate. I was just pleased however to returns a highly competent normally balanced diet where no food resources were expressly forbidden (unless I’d skipped a page in the manual.

    I noticed that my belly fat was gradually disappearing and I my jeans were fitting less snugly – even after they’d just been washed! My waist had shrunk by 2 inches and I was I had the ability to tighten my belt by 3 extra holes.

    Through end of the phase, I was just another four pounds lighter.

    Does that Fast Weight loss program Succeed?

    Absolutely. I followed the 3 Week Nutritional routine and, other than a few cheats, I lost an entire of 14.5 pounds. I went to the trouble of doing most of the mandatory exercise but not much of the optional workouts. I discovered the workouts quite difficult, then again I’m in no way fit to start off with. Despite it being hard, the level of weight I lost in their normal relatively short period of time caused it to be a good idea. Surely I can have lost more if I’d planned better, exercised countless and not cheated.

    I’d a chance for getting a a handful of weeks without gaining some or all of these weight back!! Then implement whole diet again. The other time around phase 1 was much less complicated – I believe my forms was implemented into it and didn’t hand over coffee now. I didn’t lose as much weight, but I’m now 30 pounds lighter than I had become 8 months ago and for the first timers I am able to honestly say I’m satisfied with my appearance.

    The double benefit is currently I know how to sustain my weight and also if I leave mad on holiday and place throughout the few pounds, I’m sure I am able to lose them again without a lot of effort.

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    Source by Saheem Al Kindi

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  • Can A Spouse Have An Emotion-Based Revenge Affair And Not Realize It?

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    I get a decent amount of correspondence about revenge after an affair. Sometimes, the faithful spouse wants to (or is considering) doing something to get revenge. Other times, they are feeling the urge to want revenge but they are trying desperately to resist that urge because they know that it is not really going to help anything.

    Other times, I hear from the cheating spouse who is scared of revenge or who thinks that they might be seeing vengeful behavior (even if their spouse denies this.) Here is an example. A husband might say: “I really can not effectively tell you how sorry I am that I cheated on my wife. I really don’t know what I was thinking. And in fact I probably wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I believe that my children are the only reason that my wife did not leave me. But although she’s still here, at times she looks at me with pure hatred. Her opinion of me has obviously changed. Where she used to respect me, now she acts as if I have low morals and am just a jerk. She doesn’t really listen when I talk and half the time she rolls her eyes at me and doesn’t even try to engage me with conversation. For the past three weeks, she has been spending a lot of time with a male coworker. I didn’t say anything at first because she gets mad at me so easily. Plus I thought it would hypocritical of me to insinuate that I don’t want her to have male friends when I am the one who had an affair. But last night we were spending time with our kids and the guy called. So I lost patience and asked her about it. She said that it was her job to train the guy at work and that they had become ‘close.’ She says he makes her laugh and feel good in a way she hasn’t for a long time. I got flustered and asked her if she thought that the relationship had crossed a line and had become an emotional affair. She got very angry. She said that the last thing she would do is start up an affair considering how my affair pretty much ruined our lives. She said that she was not that stupid. But now I’m wondering if perhaps she’s started an emotional affair for revenge without even knowing it. Is that possible?”

    Anything is possible. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I can tell you that there is a vulnerability there. Being cheated on makes you doubt yourself. It makes you wonder if anyone will ever find you attractive again. It makes you wonder if everyone is going to see you as damaged. So when a man show interest in you, allows you to confide in him, and boosts your confidence, this can feel like a relief. It can feel as if it’s just what the doctor ordered. And if your spouse gets jealous and insecure, well, perhaps he deserves it.

    At the same time, I am only speaking for myself when I say that although I would have welcomed any attention, I would have never made my situation worse by actually cheating. Our family life was so broken at the time that there was no way that I was going to add to my problems by adding another infidelity into the mix. I was not in any state to be in any sort of romantic relationship.

    I’m not saying that this is how your wife feels. I can’t possibly know that. However, I also can tell you that plenty of women have men friends at work, with there being nothing inappropriate about it. Adults are capable of having friends of the opposite sex without cheating. So your wife having a relationship with a male coworker doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anything to worry about.

    Rather than accuse your wife of something that might not be true and making her feel defensive, I would place my focus on your marriage and your relationship with her rather than placing your focus on her relationship with him. Because if you can work through the issues and strengthen your marriage, then you will have more confidence that you have nothing to worry about. And your wife won’t have the need to get her emotional needs met elsewhere.

    She may not even be consciously trying to do anything inappropriate. She may just be finding relief in having someone to interact with. And it may be nothing to worry about. But, if it gives you a bad feeling, there is nothing wrong with trying to bump up your attempts to improve your marriage and to strengthen your intimacy as quickly as you can. The sooner she is getting her emotional needs met by you, the sooner she will no longer need to get it from someone else, assuming that’s what is happening right now. That said, it’s possible that you are very sensitive about something that is innocent due to the affair.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

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  • Relationships: Can Someone Be Emotionally Unavailable Even Though They’re In A Relationship?

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    It would be easy to believe that the people who are emotionally unavailable are single and the ones who aren’t are in a relationship. Or, if someone is emotionally available and single, it could just show that they are taking a break after going through a breakup, for instance.

    This is then typically going to be something that is very black and white. However, while it may seem as though this is the case, this outlook would have very little to do with how things actually are.

    An Illusion

    In the same way that someone who appears to be happy can be deeply unhappy on the inside; someone can be in a relationship but it doesn’t mean that they are truly in one. Still, from the outside it may appear as though they are in an intimate relationship.

    In fact, other people could often wonder what it would be like for them to be in a relationship like this. These people are then going to believe that this person has this area of their life handled, and are going to want to experience the same thing.

    Both Ways

    Furthermore, someone like this could also believe that they are in an intimate relationship. So, every part of their being is not going to be involved, but they will still see themselves as someone who is in a relationship.

    They are then going to share their mind and their body with their partner, yet the emotional part of their being won’t be fully on a board. This doesn’t mean that they won’t feel things, though.

    Absent

    Their body will then be with their partner, but their mind and heart can spend a lot of time being somewhere else; that is unless their heart has simply retracted. Now, this is not going to be the same as having distractions at work; it will mean that one will generally find it hard to be fully present with their partner.

    If their partner doesn’t have trouble being present, they might be able to sense that one is rarely, if ever, present. They might not be able to understand what is going on, but they will find it hard to deeply connect with them.

    The Clearest Sign

    If this is how someone is most of the time, it will be pretty clear that they are emotionally unavailable. Their partner shouldn’t need any more information in order to realise that something isn’t right.

    Nonetheless, if they are also emotionally unavailable, it might take a while for them to become aware of this. And even if this was to take place, if they are not aware of what is going on for them and the part that they will have played in being drawn to someone like this, they could end up feeling like a victim and blaming their partner.

    It’s not random

    What this comes down to is that they wouldn’t have randomly ended up with this person. This is not to say that they consciously chose to end up with them; it will have most likely been something that took place unconsciously.

    One way of looking at this would be to say that they were drawn to this person so that they could resolve their inner wounds and grow in the process. The only way this will happen is if they are aware of what is going on and don’t get caught up in their inner wounds.

    Back To the Main Point

    If someone is rarely present it will be clear that something is not right, and there can be other things that also reveal that they are not ready have an intimate relationship. Through having a weak connection with their emotions, it will probably be rare for them to relate to their partner on a deeper level.

    This can then cause the relationship to be very superficial and, thus, to lack the depth that is needed to enable a deeper connection to develop. As a result of this, the relationship might not progress.

    Avoiding Conflict

    Once the initial spark has died out and sexual side has settled down, there might not be a lot to hold the relationship together. But if their partner was to talk about how this, one could dismiss what they say.

    Another thing that they could do is to walk away if something like this is brought up, which will show that they are not willing to go there. This will be a further sign that they are only looking to get their feet wet, so to speak.

    An Obvious One

    If one was to continually talk about their ex, and even spent a fair amount of time with them, it is likely to show that something right. Their body could be in their present relationship but their heart could still be attached to their ex.

    It could go even further than this and one might actually still be sharing their body with their ex. If they are cheating on their partner, this will be another sign that they are not ready to commit.

    Awareness

    Obviously, the only way that someone can change their behaviour is they are aware of what is going on and have the desire to change. With this in mind, if one is in a relationship with someone who is not emotionally unavailable and they are not willing to do anything about it, it might be in their best interest to walk away.

    ​

    If they are used to attracting people like this, it will be a good idea for them to take a deeper look into what is going on for them at a deeper level. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here.

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    Source by Oliver JR Cooper

    Views: 0

  • What Can I Say To Make My Husband Understand The Pain That His Cheating Has Caused?

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    It’s very common from me to hear from wives who are struggling to explain to their husbands just how much his cheating or affair hurt them and caused them pain. But often, their husband doesn’t react in the way that they were hoping for and they are looking for a way to explain their feelings so that he actually understands them.

    I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I have repeatedly tried to explain to my husband the depth of and reasons for my pain after his infidelity, but he either doesn’t want to hear it or he’s not understanding what I’m saying. Sometimes, I pour my heart out to him and try to explain how he has hurt me and all I get is blank stare back or empty assurances that he really is trying. This is so frustrating to me because I need him to understand the extent of my pain so that I can have some reassurance that he’ll never cheat again. I want him to understand why I sometimes act in the way that I do because of what a grave mistake he has made. But part of me thinks that he’s unwilling or just incapable of hearing me. How can I explain my pain in a way that he’ll actually understand and be willing to listen?” I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

    Pick The Right Time And Know That, Once You Start Repeating Yourself, Your Words Lose Their Effectiveness: I hear from both wives who are faithful and husbands who are not on my blog and I can tell you that if you are constantly talking about your hurt and pain, eventually, even the most sincere husband will begin to tune you out. One reason for this is that no one wants to constantly be reminded of the pain that they have caused. And husbands will often want to place their focus on moving on while the wife wants to place her focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

    This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or just doesn’t want to hear it. But, at least sometimes, he hears your words as accusations. He might constantly hear that his selfishness and weakness has hurt you deeply and this just isn’t a message that he wants to hear on a continual basis, day after day. Men will often give comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much the infidelity has hurt her. I do believe and understand that and I’m sorry for it. But, do I really need or have to listen to what an awful person I am every single day? How many times does she need to explain where I went wrong or how awful I am before she will feel satisfied that she’s said it enough? I tell her I’m deeply sorry. I listen. But it doesn’t seem to be enough and we repeat this process constantly.”

    I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t regularly discuss and try to work through the infidelity. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your way and the dynamics that are at play here. If you really want your husband to listen and to take your words to heart, then sometimes you have to pick the right time and limit the message so that it has the maximum impact.

    Consider What Your Husband Is Actually Going To Hear Before You Say The Words: I alluded to this in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message that your husband hears has more to do with your tone and your delivery than the words that you say. So you might say something like “your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It’s made me doubt your integrity and your love and commitment to me. It’s affected my self esteem and my level of trust. And I’m not sure when things are going to get any better.”

    But what he hears is often something more in line with: “your poor decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage. You are an awful, selfish person with very little impulse control. And your actions have caused me so much pain that I might not ever fully recover. Because of this, I am going to feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think of you. And, this is going to be our lot in life from this day on because I don’t anticipate any changes.”

    These examples might seem a little extreme, but they aren’t that far off from the comments that I hear. An unfaithful husband can hear a message that you never intended. And because of this, he is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often take this to mean he isn’t listening or he just doesn’t care and so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course, this just keeps the cycle going. She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten down and neither person is getting what they want or need.

    If you think about it, what you probably really want is to feel heard. You want for him to know, understand, (and even feel) your pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat again and more likely to show the remorse that so many of us really want and need. So, think about what’s most likely to accomplish this.

    You don’t want to come across as too accusatory or too despondent because unfortunately, these things will contribute to him feeling defensive and to tuning you out. Instead, you want to use “I” phrases so that it sounds as if you’re talking responsibility for your own feelings and you’re not just trying to lay on the blame or make him feel continuously guilty for the rest of his life. And, you want to choose the time when your message is most likely to be heard. You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when you’re main goal is to hurt him. I’ve found that the message is often more likely to be heard if you say it when things are going a little more positively and both people are calm.

    An Example Of What To Say To Express The Pain His Cheating Has Caused: An example would be something like: “if this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain how much your infidelity has hurt me. I’m not doing this to punish you or to paint you as a horrible person. I love you and don’t think you’re an awful person, but I need to feel as though you care enough to hear me. And I need to know that you truly understand so that you will hesitate to cheat again. Having someone who you love more than anything betray you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have ever imagined. It calls into doubt things about your marriage and yourself that are just devastating. Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the rolls were reversed? Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so that we can begin to move forward once and for all. I don’t intend to keep bringing this up, but before I move on, I need to know that you truly understand.”

    Phrasing like this is much more likely to get the response and the understanding that you are after. But you can only play this card so often before your husband begins to tune you out. So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to begin to move forward so that your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continuously punish him.

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    Source by Katie Lersch

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