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Tag: Adjustment

  • The Marital Adjustment Deduction

    The Marital Adjustment Deduction

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    Marriage is a blessing, but it always comes with challenges. Money can be a touchy subject if you don’t see eye to eye about saving and spending, and if you’re in debt, things can get pretty stressful. If your debt has grown to the point where you’ve decided to file bankruptcy, you’ll need to work together as a team to make a new start. While most couples decide to file together, if the partners have significantly different incomes or debts, it may be best for just one person to file a Chapter 7. How you decide to file will determine which of your income and property will be included in the Means Test. In order to give you the best financial outcome and protect your assets, we’ll use the marital adjustment deduction.

    The Basics

    Filing bankruptcy isn’t just about discharging your debts; it’s also important to do everything possible to protect the property and assets you’ve worked so hard to acquire. When only one spouse files bankruptcy, we can deduct some of the non-filing spouse’s income that is used to cover his or her individual expenses. We can deduct their cell phone, club memberships, business expenses, and entertainment. Additionally, any debts that are in their name alone will not be included in your case. This could be student loans, credit cards, car loans, insurance, or a mortgage that is solely in their name. Child support for their own children who do not live with you, as well as alimony they pay, will not be included in your case.You can also split up expenses that you share, such as utilities or a joint mortgage, and deduct their portion. The goal of all of this is to lower the total income that we use for the Means Test, which could mean the difference between a Chapter 7 or Chapter 13.

    Squared Away Paperwork

    As you utilize the standard and marital adjustment deductions, you will provide documentation to the court so that they can easily review your case. Documents should be organized and clear, showing who is responsible for which debts and expenses, giving the court no reason to disallow any of our desired exemptions. There will be no cause for concerns that your case will be dismissed or the trustee would even suspect Bankruptcy Fraud.

    Finding an attorney who can help file all the paper work and know your case will take some of the stress out of filing and hopefully bring some joy back to your marriage.

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    Source by W. George Senft

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  • Glossary of Youth: Its Education, Regimen, and Hygiene, by G. Stanley Hall

    Glossary of Youth: Its Education, Regimen, and Hygiene, by G. Stanley Hall

    GLOSSARY

    AGAMIC. Unmarried; unmarriageable, sometimes non-sexed.

    AGENIC. Lacking in reproductive power; sterile.

    AMPHIMIXIS. That form of reproduction which involves the mingling of substance from two individuals so as to effect a mixture of hereditary characteristics. It includes the phenomena of conjugation and fertilization among both unicellular and multicellular organisms.

    ANABOLISM. See METABOLISM.

    ANAMNESIC. Pertaining to or aiding recollection.

    ANEMIC. Deficient in blood; bloodless.

    ANTHROPOMORPHISM. The attributing of human characteristics to natural, supernatural, or divine beings.

    ANTHROPOMETRY. Science of measurement of the human body.

    ARTIFACT. Any artificial product.

    APHASIA. Impairment or lose of the ability to understand or use speech.

    ASSOCIATIONISM. The psychological theory which regards the laws of association as the fundamental laws of mental action and development.

    ATAVISTIC. Pertaining to reversion through the influence of heredity to remote ancestral characteristics.

    ATAXIC. Pertaining to inability to coördinate voluntary movements; irregular.

    CALAMO-PAPYRUS. Reed papyrus or pen-paper.

    CATABOLISM. See METABOLISM.

    CATHARSIS. Purgation or cleansing. Aristotle’s esthetic theory that little renders immune for much.

    CEREBRATION. Brain action, conscious or unconscious.

    CHOREA. St. Vitus’s dance; a nervous disease marked by irregular and involuntary movements of the limbs and face.

    CHRESTOMATHY. A collection of extracts and choice pieces.

    CHRISTENTHUM. The Christian belief; the spirit of Christianity.

    COMMANDO EXERCISES. Gymnastic exercises whose order is dependent upon the spoken command of the director.

    CORTEX. The gray matter of the brain, mostly on its surface.

    CORTICAL. Pertaining to the cortex.

    CRANIOMETRY. The measurement of skulls.

    CRYPTOGAMOUS. Having an obscure mode of fertilization; or, of plants that do not blossom.

    CULTUS. A system of religious belief and worship.

    DEUTSCHENTHUM. The spirit of the German people.

    DIATHESIS. A constitutional predisposition.

    EPHEBIC. Pertaining to the Greek system of instruction given to young men to fit them for citizenship; adolescent.

    EPIGONI. Successors; followers who only follow.

    EPISTEMOLOGY. The theory of knowledge; that branch of logic which undertakes to explain how knowledge is possible and to define its limitations, meaning, and worth.

    EUPEPTIC. Having good digestion.

    EUPHORIA. The sense of well-being; of fullness of life.

    EVIRATION. Emasculation; loss of manly characteristics.

    FERAL. Wild by nature; untamed; undomesticated.

    FORMICARY. An artificial ants’ nest.

    GEMÜTH. Disposition; the entire affective soul and its habitual state.

    HEBETUDE. Dullness; stupidity.

    HEDONISTIC. Relating to hedonism, that form of Greek philosophy which taught that pleasure is the chief end of existence.

    HETAERA. A Greek courtesan. This class was often highly trained in music and social art, and represented the highest grade of culture among Greek women.

    HETEROGENY. (1) The spontaneous generation of animals and vegetables, low in the scale of organization, from inorganic elements. (2) That kind of generation in which the parent, whether plant or animal, produces offspring differing in structure or habit from itself, but in which after one or more generations the original form reappears.

    HETERONOMOUS. Having a different name.

    HOROLOGY. The science of measuring time and of constructing instruments for that purpose.

    HYGEIA. The Greek goddess of health; health.

    HYPERMETHODIC. Methodic to excess; overmethodic.

    HYPERTROPHY. Excessive growth.

    INDISCERPTIBLE. Incapable of being destroyed by separation of parts.

    INHIBITION. Interference with the normal result of a nervous excitement by an opposing force.

    IRRADIATION. The diffusion of nervous stimuli out of the path of normal discharge which, as a result of the excitation of a peripheral end organ may excite other central organs than those directly connected with it.

    KINESOLOGICAL. Pertaining to the science of tests and measurements of bodily strength.

    KINESOMETER. An instrument for measuring muscular strength.

    MEDULLATION. The investment of nerve fibers with a protective covering or medullary sheath, consisting of white, fat-like matter.

    MERISTIC. Pertaining to the levels or spinal and cerebral segments of the body.

    METABOLISM. The act or process by which, on the one hand, dead food is built up into living matter—anabolism, and by which, on the other, the living matter is broken down into simpler products within a cell or organism—catabolism.

    METAMORPHOSIS. Change of form or structure; transformation.

    METEMPSYCHOSIS. The doctrine of the transmigration of the soul from one body to another.

    MONOPHRASTIC. Pertaining to or consisting of a single phrase.

    MONOTECHNIC. Pertaining to a single art or craft.

    MORPHOLOGY. The science of form and structure of plants and animals without regard to function.

    MYOLOGY. The scientific knowledge of the muscular system.

    MYTHOPOEIC. Producing or having a tendency to produce myths.

    NOETIC. Of, pertaining to, or conceived by, mind.

    NUANCE. Slight shade; difference; distinction; degree.

    ORTHOGENIC. Pertaining to right beginning and development.

    ORTHOPEDIC. Relating to the art of curing deformities.

    OSSUARY. A depository of dry bones.

    PALEOPSYCHIC. Pertaining to the antiquity of the soul.

    PANTHEISTIC. Relating to that doctrine which holds that the entire phenomenal universe, including man and nature, is the ever-changing manifestation of God, who rises to self-consciousness and personality only in man.

    PATRISTICS. That department of study occupied with the doctrines and writings of the fathers of the Christian Church.

    PHOBIA. Excessive or morbid fear of anything.

    PHYLETICALLY. In accordance with the phylum or race; racially.

    PHYLETIC. Pertaining to a race or clan.

    PHYLOGENY. The history of the evolution of a species or group; tribal history; ancestral development as opposed to ontogeny or the development of the individual.

    PHYLUM. A term introduced by Haeckel to designate the great branches of the animal and vegetable kingdoms. Each phylum may include several classes.

    PICKELHAUBE. The spiked helmet of the German army.

    PLANKTON. Sea animals and plants collectively; distinguished from coast or bottom forms and floating in a great mass.

    POLYGAMIC (LOVE). Pertaining to the habit of having more than one mate of the opposite sex.

    POLYPHRASTIC. Having many phrases; pertaining to rambling, incoherent speech.

    POST-SIMIAN. Pertaining to an age later than that in which simian or monkey-like forms prevailed.

    PRENUBILE. Pertaining to the age before sexual maturity or marriageability is reached.

    PRIE DIEU. A praying desk.

    PROPEDEUTIC. Preliminary; introductory.

    PROPHYLACTIC. Any medicine or measure efficacious in preventing disease.

    PSEUDOPHOBIAC. Pertaining to a morbid condition in which the subject is continually in fear of having said something not strictly true.

    PSYCHOGENESIS. The origin and development of soul.

    PSYCHONOMIC. Pertaining to the laws of mind.

    PSYCHOSIS. Mental constitution or condition; any change in consciousness, especially if abnormal.

    PUBERTY. The age of sexual maturity.

    PUBESCENT. Relating to the dawning of puberty.

    PYGMOID. Of pygmy size and form.

    RABULIST. A chronic wrangler; one who argues about everything.

    SCHEMA. A synopsis; a summary. In the Kantian sense, a general type.

    SCHEMATISM. An outline of any systematic arrangement; an outline.

    SUPERFOETATION. A second conception some time after a prior one, by which two foetuses of different age exist together in the same female. Often used figuratively.

    TEMIBILITY. (From Italian temibile, to be feared.) The principle of adjustment of penalty to crime in just that degree necessary to prevent a repetition of the criminal act.

    TIC. A nervous affection of the muscles; a twitching.

    TRANSCENDENTAL. In the Kantian system having an a priori character, transcending experience, presupposed in and necessary to experience.

    TRAUMATA. Wounds.

    TRAUMATISM. A wound; any morbid condition produced by wounds or other external violence.

    VERBIGERATION. The continual utterance of certain words or phrases at short intervals, without reference to their meaning, as seen in insane Gedankenflucht or rapid flight of thought.

    Extract from Youth: Its Education, Regimen, and Hygiene, by G. Stanley Hall

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  • Losing Her Religion: Nigeria’s Faith Unveiled In The Face Of COVID-19 By R. Evon Benson-Idahosa

    Losing Her Religion: Nigeria’s Faith Unveiled In The Face Of COVID-19 By R. Evon Benson-Idahosa

    Me, circa 1984, in my choir uniform and what was possibly the now infamous tambourine.
    Me, circa 1984, in my choir uniform and what was possibly the now infamous tambourine.

    R. Evon Benson-Idahosa, Esq
    R. Evon Benson-Idahosa, Esq

    Losing Her Religion: Nigeria’s Faith Unveiled In The Face Of COVID-19 By R. Evon Benson-Idahosa 1R. Evon Benson-Idahosa, Esq


     

    I remember falling asleep at a Tuesday evening church service as a 9 year old child. I had a tambourine on my lap and as I fell to the floor, it reverberated thunderously throughout the hall, drawing the attention of everyone who had been attentively listening to the dynamic preacherman. I awakened to piercing stares and side eyes- particularly from my father- whose message I had disrupted. Every Nigerian child knows that stare, that glare that silently speaks a thousand words, cloaks you in debilitating fear and assures your quivering being that there will be consequences. Needless to say, it was a quiet ride home and for the rest of the revival week, I was ushered to the front row where I forced my eyes open, humming tunes to myself to stay awake.

    Losing Her Religion: Nigeria’s Faith Unveiled In The Face Of COVID-19 By R. Evon Benson-Idahosa 2Me, circa 1984, in my choir uniform and what was possibly the now infamous tambourine.


    Saying that I literally grew up in church would be an understatement. Week long revival services, such as the one I reference above, were customary. I was also in the choir, went to Sunday school before church services on Sunday, Agape Force Children’s meetings on Saturdays, mid-week services and the occasional 6:30 am morning prayer services, followed by our home bible study with Auntie B. And because my father was Archbishop Benson Idahosa, there were no negotiations. It just was.

    At the age of10, shortly after the infamous “tambourine experience,” the truth of those messages became real and I earnestly became a follower of The Way. And so, as news began to sweep the globe of the novel corona virus and its import, I found myself immediately turning to my faith as a source of comfort and peace. I also called my mother, who now heads CGMI, the global ministry my father left when he passed away 22 years ago. Her words of encouragement and the tone of her voice assured me that, as we like to say in Nigeria, ‘it is well.’

    And it will be.

    But for now, the pandemic continues to rage, as thousands succumb to its will. First China. Then South Korea. Japan. An epidemic. Then Italy, the UK, the US. Thousands upon thousands of cases were being reported and every day brought the reality closer to home. Then it became a global pandemic and as it stands, the WHO estimates that there are 719,700 confirmed cases globally, with almost 34,000 deaths.

    On February 28th, Nigeria, Africa’s most populous nation, confirmed its index case of the corona virus which arrived the country via an Italian businessman. As I write, her Centre for Disease Control is reporting a total of 135 confirmed cases and two deaths, having conducted just several hundred tests, even though thousands of passengers have arrived from varying countries since the index. Self isolation has been deemed an advisory, not mandatory measure.

    Nigeria has taken what some would consider drastic, yet in this writer’s opinion, insufficient and strikingly Western style measures to address what is likely to come in the absence of a miracle. In addition to finally closing her borders from international travelers, including Nigerians, schools have been shut down, civil servants are being asked to work from home, “social distancing” policies are being enacted and several states, including my home state of Edo, have prohibited religious, social and public gatherings of more than 20 persons.

    In a country where over 90% of her citizens profess to be religious, most Nigerians are accustomed to turning to their faith in times of crisis. The corona virus pandemic is no exception. Many who had strayed from God are now repenting of their sins and brandishing the sign of the cross as they leave their homes. Others are praying for a “Passover,” as CNN and other news outlets flood us with “end of the world,” doomsday messaging. As a result, many of us are yearning to collectively gather to pray.

    Whether the desire to collectively gather is buttressed by denial (“coronavirus is not here” — “the spirit of corona virus is dead in Nigeria”) or stems from a deep seeded longing for God to show mercy to a healthcare system that is wholly unprepared to handle the worst case scenario, the fact remains that Nigeria’s religious faithfuls are unaccustomed to missing gatherings for anything. Services are considered sacred times to commune with God and to be encouraged by the brethren. Others hang on to every word of their clerics who, in some cases, insist on serving as a religious crutch- intermediaries between their congregants and God. Many believers who engage with God on a transactional basis come bearing tithes and/or offerings in the hopes that God will hear their prayers. (He hears them regardless.)

    As such, the prohibition on religious gatherings of more than 20 (which essentially translates to a prohibition of services in general) has resulted in many Nigerian believers losing their ‘religion,’ i.e., left bewildered as to how to make the adjustment to a God who potentially exists outside the four walls of their churches; to a God who speaks directly to them in God’s long forgotten voice. Who, precisely, are Nigerian believers without our religions and religious houses of worship?

    Could it be that for the first time in a long time, Nigerian believers are being presented with a church-less opportunity to develop even more meaningful personal relationships with their God; to ‘lay hands’ on themselves and speak words of healing into their children from a God who has always heard them? Could this pandemic serve as an opportunity for believers to be what Murray Bowen describes as a ‘non-anxious presence’ to those who may be paralyzed by fear? Or as a practical example, to give our hired staff the much deserved paid time off to assuage the fears of their own elderly parents? As we creatively consider our individual responses, it is imperative that we recognise that our actions are a reflection of what we truly believe about our faith and the One who implores us to be salt and light.

    As the Church, however, it is unhelpful that some of our pastors are refusing to comply. The other day, I was tagged on a rather unfortunate video of a pastor irresponsibly screaming to congregants that the corona virus cannot withstand Nigeria’s “corrosive anointing.” However, even Jesus instructed us to obey the law of the land (render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s). This blatant refusal to consider the reality that may most aggressively affect those on the margins begs the question of why some churches are so adamant against temporarily closing their doors.

    Sure, we all need hope and encouragement in these perilous and uncertain times, but have we not, after all these years, fed the flock enough “meat” to trust that they can and will turn to God for themselves? Or are we, draped in our own egos, more selfishly concerned that they may not return to our fold and thus, affect our financial bottom line?

    It is not a lack of faith to use wisdom or to be practical. Even Jesus reached out his hand to save Peter when he could easily have let him drown and then used his “corrosive anointing” to raise him from the dead. Wisdom is profitable to direct and I believe my father, who I consider one of the greatest men of faith to ever walk this earth, would have done the needful to protect the sheep. My mother most certainly is.

    To this end, some larger churches are offering their services online. However, for the working poor who faithfully make up the backbone of most Nigerian churches, internet connectivity and/or live streaming of an entire service make that option impractical and/or unaffordable. They are the ones, who because they live day to day, cannot afford to practice social distancing, “stay at home” and for some, even “wash your hands,” because soap becomes a luxury when one’s ‘daily bread’ is devoid of the ‘daily.’ If our government does not step up to courageously seek support that is tailored to our unique realities and then provide that support to those on the margins, the import of the corona virus in our beloved Nigeria could be felt by generations to come.

    As such, could this pandemic present an opportunity for churches to fill the glaring gaps and practically serve the last and the least in a manner that reveals who we profess to be as followers of The Way? Might this be an opportunity for the church to put our egos aside and creatively heed Jesus’ instructions to ‘feed my sheep’, to apply the Balm of Gilead, by serving those who will be most physically, mentally and economically impacted? Practically speaking, could we convert our sanctuaries to temporary hospitals or food pantries where those in need can obtain essentials? Can we use the funds of those who have faithfully donated over the years to buy ventilators and personal protective gear for our hospitals and health workers on the front lines? Can we purchase hygiene products and distribute them to those who may be confined to their homes? This, I believe, is our mandate.

    At the end of the day, my faith in God runs deep. It has guided my life since I was 10 and I prayerfully trust that we will get through this. But as the Nigerian Church temporarily loses her ‘religion’ and her faith is unveiled in the face of COVID-19, she is presented with an opportunity to reverberate thunderously and rise up to be who she professes for such a novel time as this. After all, in the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, ‘the church is the church only when it exists for others…not dominating, but helping and serving.’

    WRITTEN BY

    R. Evon Benson-Idahosa, Esq.

    Lead table turner and expert troublemaker at Pathfinders Justice Initiative (www.pathfindersji.org); creating more space for women at the table.

     

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  • Graphics Designer Demands Compensation After Ogun State ‘Stole’ COVID-19 Awareness Design

    Graphics Designer Demands Compensation After Ogun State ‘Stole’ COVID-19 Awareness Design

    Graphics Designer Demands Compensation After Ogun State ‘Stole’ COVID-19 Awareness Design 4

    Graphics Designer Demands Compensation After Ogun State ‘Stole’ COVID-19 Awareness Design 5


     

    A graphic designer in Nigeria, Jeremiah Olatinwo, has demanded compensation from Ogun State Government for using his graphics design to create awareness about Coronavirus without his permission.

    Olatinwo had designed an image to raise awareness on the virus and how to stay safe from it.

    He used the ‘End COVID-19 WITH SWAG’ to launch a media campaign on steps Nigerians can take to curb the spread of the virus.

    He was however, left distraught when the Ogun State Government placed its official crest on it and uploaded it on its official website.

    In a chat with our correspondent, Olatinwo expressed anger at the action of the state government without reaching out to him.

    He said, “As a social media enthusiast and digital marketing expert, I designed a media campaign themed ‘END COVID-19 WITH SWAG’ and it was widely accepted and distributed on social media.

    “I got a call from a friend who saw and also shared my creative work that the Ogun State Government had plagiarised my concept – word for word, colour for colour without giving due credit.

    “To my amazement, the design was up on all social media platforms of the Ogun State Government – Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

    “Due compensation is expected for the creative work and their plagiarism as the design got impressions on their page, people have seen it and some have done screenshot and shared on various platforms.”

    He added that he attempted to reach out to the social media handler of the state government but was blocked.

    Olatinwo tweeted the design on March 25 while the Ogun State Government tweeted the replica of the image three days later. 

    The image, which has now been deleted across the social media platform of the state government, was the same concept without little adjustment to Olatinwo’s design.

    Efforts by our correspondent to get the comment of the Kunle Somorin, Chief Press Secretary to Ogun State governor, Dapo Abiodun, was not successful as he refused to respond to calls and text messages sent to his mobile number.

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  • Adamawa Governor Denies Refusal To Pay N32,000 New Minimum Wage

    Adamawa Governor Denies Refusal To Pay N32,000 New Minimum Wage

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    Adamawa State governor, Ahmadu Fintiri, has debunked media reports claiming that his administration had backed down on paying the N32,000 new minimum wage.

    The governor said that workers on Grade Level 1 to 6 had been paid their March salaries with the new minimum wage template.

    A section of the mass media had on Tuesday quoted the government as saying the new minimum wage was suspended due to hardship caused by the outbreak of Coronavirus in the country.

    Solomon Kumangar, Director General, Media and Communications to the governor, on Wednesday said only the consequential adjustment affecting workers from Level 7 to 17 was suspended temporarily.

    He said, “Government wishes to draw the attention of the public to the regrettable misunderstanding arising from an earlier statement regarding the payment of March salaries without the consequential adjustment agreed upon by organised labour.

    “As at now, workers have started receiving March salary alerts with the N32,000 minimum wage.

    “It is only the consequential adjustment that the government was unable to implement due to the economic crunch imposed by the global pandemic Covid-19.”

     

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  • Recreating Lindsey Buckingham’s Signature Sounds – Big Love

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    One of the less well known guitarists of the last entry is Lindsey Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac. Newer guitarists may not be familiar with Buckingham, but his style and sound inspired several generations of guitarists. He’s probably most well known for hist signing, songwriting and production skills, but his guitar playing was instrumental in Fleetwood Mac’s success, so it’s worth taking a look at. I’m going to take a look at his sound and give you an idea of the kind of setup that’s required to reproduce some of his signature sounds.

    The first thing that makes Buckingham so unique is the fact that he uses a fingerpicking style. Originally a Banjo player, Lindsey Buckingham made the transition to guitar, and his virtuoso performances are a signature sound of Fleetwood Mac. Buckingham plays bass lines with his thumb while he uses the other fingers to voice melodies and sweeping arpeggios. The resultant music is truly original and inspiring.

    Looking at his setup, one thing that you’ll notice is that he has a truly unique axe. His Turner electric is not a guitar that has much fame, outside of Lindsey Buckingham. It’s shape, distinctly violin like, is one of the most unique features of the guitar. You will also find Buckingham playing an acoustic on various tracks. There’s nothing especially important to be said about his acoustic, other than the way he plays the instrument.

    There’s one performance in specific that I’d like to analyze. During one particular Fleetwood Mac reunion, back in 1997, Buckingham performed the song “Big Love”, playing a Gibson Chet Atkins sold-body nylon string guitar. The reason that I’ve chosen this one is because of the unique sound that he got using that particular guitar. You can actually recreate this sound, even if you don’t have this particular axe. Using your acoustic electric guitar, I will show you how to simulate this sound using your guitar and a few simple effects.

    In order to simulate this sound, you’re going to need delay and reverb. If you have an amp with these effects built in, that will do just fine. For the delay time, you’re going to want to set it around 125 milliseconds. You’ll need to be able to adjust the blend on the delay, adjusting it to be mostly the direct signal. This is important because when you’re soloing and playing intricate melodies, you don’t want the delayed notes muddying down the sound you’re trying to create. If you’re using a delay unit, such as those built in to some amplifiers, that only allows you to adjust the delay time by tapping a button, you may find it difficult to get the exact sound that I’m trying to teach. You can play around with the settings to see if you can get a sound that’s similar or just use this guide as a way to get ideas for new sounds.

    Another adjustment that you may want to consider, if you have a nice delay, is to roll off some of the high end from the delayed signal. Again, this is to make sure that your original notes really sing through. As for your reverb, you’re going to want to reduce the size of the room to around 35 percent. If you’re not allowed to change the room size, don’t worry, just know this is going to be more of a creative exercise for you, rather than an all out recreation of the original sounds of Buckingham. Finally, you’re going to want to roll out a good bit of the midrange from your amplifier (or board if you’re going directly into one). This is going to keep things crisp and clear when you’re really laying on the notes.

    While using built in effects are limiting, you can get a unique sound using this guide. For those with a nice effects board or pedals that allow them to adjust all of these settings, you’ll find a deep airy sound is the result of these settings. This is great to add some depth to a track where the main guitar part is played on an acoustic. If you haven’t heard the version of “Big Love” that I’m talking about, get on the net and look for videos or recordings from the ’97 Fleetwood Mac reunion show. It’s truly worth your time & is a great performance! Good luck & happy guitarring!

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    Source by John T Halbert

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  • Dousing the Flames of Marital Conflict

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    Conflicts in marriage are endemic. Because this is a union of two distinct individuals each with his or her own likes, dislikes, prejudices and pet peeves, conflicts are built into the marriage packet. As the famous evangelist Billy Graham once said, “For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic. The unblemished ideal exists only in ‘happily-ever-after’ fairy tales. ‘Happily incompatible’ is a good adjustment.”

    No human relationship can exist in a permanent state of happiness, and conflicts need not be viewed as a sign of instability or impending rupture of marriage. Couples need to master the art of quarreling constructively and resolving all conflicts positively. A mature approach will increase understanding and trust, and strengthen their relationship. However this depends on their level of commitment to each other.

    Areas of conflict:

    o Finance: In this consumer-oriented society of today, money or the lack of it can lead to conflict. Spouses have different spending habits. Overspending or unnecessary spending by one partner can upset the family budget, leaving less money for essentials. Entertainment, alcohol, consumer goods can eat into one’s pocket. Similarly miserliness will also trigger conflict.

    o When the needs, wants and desires of one partner are not met, there is a tendency to be irritable or argumentative over trifles.

    o Domination: When one partner is excluded from the decisions that affect them both, friction is bound to arise. Similarly, procrastination by one partner on issues that need urgent decisions can be annoying.

    o In-laws: Too much interference or over dependence of in-laws can become a bone of contention. Unfair references and comparisons lead to quarrels.

    o Children: Different styles of parenting or lack of proper parenting skills can result in heated arguments.

    o Sex: Husbands and wives have exclusive conjugal rights over their partners. Depriving a spouse of normal sexual activity creates tension in the relationship.

    o Working wives: Some women with high tech jobs may not have quality time to spend with husband and children. Stress, fatigue or overwork can sap them of strength and put them in an irritable frame of mind.

    o Habits: Drinking, smoking, gambling or drug taking are frequent causes of conflict.

    o Social activities. Time consuming parties or games leave very little time to spend with each other.

    o Physical and emotional abuse.

    o Self-centeredness.

    o Secrecy: Keeping important secrets from each other is a breach of trust.

    o Infidelity.

    The mark of a good marriage is not the absence of conflict, but how each partner deals with the problem. Conflict is like an ember with the potential to spark into a flame, and if not doused in time, can blaze into a conflagration. The foremost thing to remember is that it is not a battle between enemies. It is just a disagreement between spouses who have promised to love and cherish each other till the end of their lives.

    “Many marriages would be better if both husband and wife realize that they are on the same side,” says Zig Ziglar.

    The aim must be to diffuse the situation by proper resolution, so that it does not crop up again and again.

    There are two options available.

    1.The Negative Approach which will generate hostility.

    2.The Positive Approach which will make the bonds of marriage stronger.

    Negative Approach:

    – One partner personalizes the problem and treats it as an attack. Women are more prone to this approach. They withdraw into themselves and wallow in self pity. Withdrawal may be physical, sexual or emotional. Breach of communication follows. This is a dangerous trend. A trivial problem festers in the mind until it assumes gigantic proportions.

    – Angry reactions like yelling, crying, abuse, sarcasm, insults or even violence are disastrous. The idea obviously is to hurt the other person while defending one’s self in the blame game.

    As Broderick said, “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get at its cause and cure are committing marital suicide.”

    Positive Approach:

    1. Couples should never communicate when angry. They should first think things over calmly by themselves and then discuss the issue. Privacy is important. Discussions should not take place in the presence of their children or relatives, but in a quiet place where there will be no interruptions. They must bear in mind at all times that they are allies and not adversaries. There must be eye contact throughout the discussion. Respect for each other’s feelings is important. So the tone of voice and body language must be appropriate. Listening carefully to the other’s point of view is showing respect. Questions and clarifications are in order. It is also a time to share one’s genuine hurts and frustrations. Generalizations like ‘You always find fault’ or ‘You never listen’ are not helpful.

    2. The core issue must be tackled. It is important to define and discuss only the problem that started the conflict. Is the problem repetitive? Is there a recurring pattern? If so, why has the problem not been resolved before? There should be no deviation into unrelated issues. Old problems must not be dredged up and recycled to score a point.

    3. Finance can be a contentious subject. Bad financial habits must be mended. Budgeting one’s income is important. If expenses go beyond the budgeted amount, there should be a discussion on how best to make good the deficit. Honest conversations about purchases, savings and overspending will help. It might require lowering one’s standard of living or finding other ways of income generation.

    4. Sex is an important aspect of marriage. Withholding sex by one partner as a means of punishing the other, is hurtful. Sex enhances intimacy and reconciliation.

    5. Spouses must take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They should be willing to change their behaviour if necessary. Owning up faults and admitting their weaknesses will diffuse tension. Sometimes it may even be necessary to give into the partner’s wishes, even though not fully agreeable. It is important to focus on what is right and not on who is right. Compromise is by no means weakness. It reflects strength and helps resolve the problem permanently.

    6. Forgiveness is the most important salve that will heal the hurt of conflict. Couples should be generous in forgiving each other’s faults. It may not be easy, but it is always better to get it over with and move on.

    Conflicts in marriage are inevitable. Fault finding and negativity can destroy and tear apart relationships. ‘Let not the sun go down upon your wrath,’ advises Scripture. With proper communication, tolerance and commitment, most conflicts can be resolved.

    As Alexander Perry said, “The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.”

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    Source by Eva Bell

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